I just found out yesterday that my husband has been having an affair with a woman he met at a bar. It's been going on for almost a year. I was so devastated. Today I feel numb. Is this normal? He says he's not in love with her and told her he's calling it quits so that he can give his marriage a chance. She's in love with him. He lied to me for a year about so many things. We have a son and I feel like he betrayed both of us and just don't know how I'm going to get over this. He wants to go to marriage counseling. I've agreed but only if he's going to stop <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> the lies and come clean. A part of me wants to know all the details but why? It hurts so much!!!!!!! I can't see myslef being sexual with him again. I just don't know how to heal this relationship. Is there hope???? I feel so alone and not loved. Please someone out there give me some advise!!!!

Welcome to MB TR. I'm sorry you're here but you'll find a lot of people who've sat right where you are now.

Give yourself some time, you have just experienced a big blow, and your emotions will be all over the place for awhile. Read here, read everything you can stand.

I know you feel like your world has just caved in on you. This is going to take time, time for you to heal, and the road is rough.

Tell us more about yourself, your H. How long you've been married etc. that will help us help you.

We're here for you. We can get you through this.

TR - My heart breaks for you - I was where you are not long ago. Unfortunately the numbness will not always protect you from the pain and the anger. Your husband DID betray both you and your child - he damaged the marriage and the family unit. Enough said about that.

I see some hopeful signs here. First of all, your husband is willing and ready to go to marriage counseling - GO! Find a pro-marriage counselor and go as soon as possible. I wish I had gone sooner instead of trying to deal with everything on my own. It will be a safe place for you both to deal with things in the open.

Be prepared for extreme ups and downs in your emotions for a while - THAT IS NORMAL, NORMAL, NORMAL so please do NOT get discouraged.

Stay here at this site and read as much as possible. Also, buy a copy of Surviving an Affair and Torn Asunder at Amazon.com. Both books will help you gain a little insight into what you should expect.

Hope this helps - it will get better, but it does take time and if your husband is willing to right this wrong then let him do it.

TreeReich, just a question based in curiosity if I may.

How is it that you have 15 posts AND a member number of 4931 (registered March 3, 2000)? How is it that you've been a member of Marriage Builders for YEARS (with so low a member number) and yet are posting as if you have just found out about the affair AND about Marriage Builders?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">posted March 03, 2000 12:48 PM
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My husband and I have been married for 10 years. We have a 4 yr. old son. My husband just told me a few days ago that he is no longer in love with me and wants to be free. He says he loves me but it's not the way he should. He says he wants me to be happy and he needs to be happy too.
I asked him if we could go to couseling and he said if that's what I wanted but that he thinks we need to be apart to think. I understand all of that but I don't want a divorce. I can't imagine putting my son through something like that.
My husbands brother just got divorced and it is tearing their kids apart. I can't handle that!
I love my family and don't want to leave. I want to do anything I can to save it. Can anybody help me? I feel so depressed and so alone.
Is there any hope that my husband could fall back in love with me and realize his mistake???? This has totally devestated me! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am really confused about this and before devoting any more time to what may well be a legitmate plea for help, I'd like some clarification if you please.

Thanks.

<small>[ July 22, 2004, 08:18 AM: Message edited by: ForeverHers ]</small>

Thank you so much for the responses and words of wisdom.
I've been married for 14 years. .....Have a 8 yr. old son
ForeverHers.....To answer your question...yes, I have been a member since 2000. My husband and I had problems then but never resolved them. As time went on things just seemed to get better but we both still suffered. I guess maybe if we had gotten some help then I wouldn't be here today. That was a big mistake!!!!!!! At that time my husband wasn't willing to do anything to save the marriage. He is the one now that is wanting to get help and is tired of hurting anf hurting everyone around him.( his words)
I really don't know how I've made it through 4 years and thought everything would just go away. It's very hard for me becasue I usually keep my feelings to myself and deal with it on my own. I can't do that anymore! I hope that helps explain everything.
I'm up for any advise any of you have.
We start counseling tomorrow and I'm scared to death. I just don't know if I can take hearing all of the hurtful things again. Please keep me in your prayers.

TR - thanks for the response.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I really don't know how I've made it through 4 years and thought everything would just go away. It's very hard for me becasue I usually keep my feelings to myself and deal with it on my own. I can't do that anymore! I hope that helps explain everything.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Okay, I can relate to this since I generally keep things to myself and deal with it on my own also.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm up for any advise any of you have.
We start counseling tomorrow and I'm scared to death. I just don't know if I can take hearing all of the hurtful things again. Please keep me in your prayers. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Counseling is GOOD. A few "eggs" may have to broken in order to get the good omelet you want at the end of the "cooking time."

About your request for prayer...are you and/or your husband Christians? What is it that you are thinking of as "keep me" in the prayers?

Well, we just got back from counseling. I really like the counselor and I like her approach. I think it's going to be good for both of us.

Yes, I am a christian. My husband says he believes in God and was raised as a strict Catholic but now he doesn't attend church and seems to have different views than I do about all that. We used to feel the same way.

How does life get so screwed up? I was always content being a wife and mother and enjoying the simple things in life. Now, I'm fighting for my marriage and hanging on by a thread. It's just all so painful!!!!!

Tree,,,

Me and my wife sat down the other day and were asking ourselves the same question (how did things get to where they did?) We both have loved each other so long its hard to accept our marriage was penetrated by an outsider. Dont fret there are tons of great loving spouses who wander the same thing.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, I am a christian. My husband says he believes in God and was raised as a strict Catholic but now he doesn't attend church and seems to have different views than I do about all that. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Tree Reich - Not surprising. Your husband MUST have different "views" in order to justify breaking a Commandment of God's. Going to church, or NOT going, is the first casualty because there is not one Christian church that I know of that would SUPPORT adultery. Going would be a reminder to him of the sin and God does NOT condone or approve of such behavior. Your husband's primary problem is his lack of surrender to God and a faithful walk with Christ in humble obedience to God's commands. What you are dealing with are the consequences of his rebellion against God.

Since you are a Christian, if you would like a couple of pamphlets that our MC gave us when my wife and I began counseling I can email them to you. If you want them, drop me a message at mbforeverhers@yahoo.com.

God bless.

Thank you foreverheres. I love that name by the way...that says a lot about you.


I am having such a difficult time right now. I feel physically sick and can't eat. I go to sleep at night with all kinds of images in my head and don't know how to deal with it. Any advise??????

My friends are taking me to dinner tonight and to a movie. I'm going to try my best to enjoy the evening and relax. I just don't know how to act around everybody. I don't even kow how to act around my husband. It feels like I have a stranger in my house.
He says he still cares about OW but has not had any contact with her and refuses to see her if he's going to work on our marriage. I'm happy about that but how do I know that's the truth. He keeps saying I just have to trust him on this one. How am I supposed to do that with all that he's done to me. Trust is gone!
Does anybody have any idea how long it takes for things to start looking up???????

The really, really intense pain only lasts a few weeks. Unfortunately, it takes a long time to go away completely. It IS possible to recover, however, so don't give up. Just know that it will be rough few months. You will experience pain, anger, frustration, fear, weight loss, sleeplessness, guilt, confusion, and feelings of hopelessness, as well as feelings of joy, passion, freedom and empowerment. And they will be all mixed together. We call it "the emotional rollercoaster" (from Hell).

Please click on the link in my signature line for the best resources I have found to help people through this - or at least the ones I have found most helpful.

I would also counsel you to read "Survivng an Affair" together as a first step. It will make it clear to him that you cannot possibly "just trust him", and what you need to do instead.

<small>[ July 24, 2004, 09:57 PM: Message edited by: johnh39 ]</small>

TR,
Been right where you are.
Do yourself a HUGE favor and try not to FIGURE out how you feel right now.

There is such a rush of emotions going on inside, it will make you even more upset if you try to avoid them.

Blind trust is gone, but if you want more reassurance, ask your H to account for his time. Does he go out alone ? Does he have a cell phone ? A pager ? email accounts ? If he has any of those, get access to them. This can help you a lot in the beginning. Many WS don't care for this approach, but this is the bed they made.

You said you were going out with friends, was your H going along ?

What steps are you taking to recover your M ?

What steps is your H taking to recover your M ?

I know right now you don't want to go into detail about anything, but I think you're sinking into the... "If I don't talk about it, maybe it's not really happening" stage.

This is a painful time for you right now, but let us help you. You want to RECOVER, not bury this.

Well, I'm sitting here at the computer in tears. I went to the movie with some friends last night and when I came home my H said he thinks it's too late to work things out. He said he doesn't love me anymore. I have never given him a reason to "not love me". I was so devastated and lost. I couldn't take it anymore so I finally borke down and called my parents and told them what was going on. They were devastated. They love my H with all their heart and couldn't understand. My parents live 6 hours away. I want to go home and stay with them for a while. My H says now that I've called them it's definitely over and we're getting a divorce. I don't understand. I have to have my family's support...I'm in tremendous pain and need them right now. I'm so lost as what to do. My son is supposed to start school in a week and he will be devastated to leave his home and friends. I can't keep this house on my own. I'm a stay at home mom right now. I just can't hurt my son anymore than he is going to be hurt already by his father not being in his everyday life. My son totally adores his father. I'm so lost right now......I don't want a divorce!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I want to save my family!!!!! I feel like all hope is lost now. What do I do???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

TR, I rarely come here, but did this morning, and see your sad post. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> (((HUGS)))

First of all, don't let him make you feel badly about calling for support. He left you NEEDING support, then chastizes you for reaching out for it. If he is not going to support you, somebody has to.

It's sad how these situations affect so many people...his actions have you, your parents, and next your son reeling.

Get yourself into individual counselling if you can, to help you through the next phase. And, see a doctor for meds if it becomes too much. That can really help.

I'm so sorry, so very sorry.

TR,
Here's my $0.2 opinion.
You stated that your H was willing to go to MC earlier. That he wanted it. Now he wants a D because you called your parents for support. What is so wrong with that?
Please wipe away your tears, stand up for yourself and call his bluff. Take your son and go to your parent's if only for a few days. If you don't have transportation ask your Mom or Dad to come and get you. Give your WWH a dose of reality. Sounds like he needs it <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />
Believe me, you do more for him then he appreciates.

TR,

My guess is that while you were out at the movies, he had a chat with OW and now he's falling back on all that he had said before. This is not unusual. In fact, you can count on it that he hasn't been able to cut the ties completely. It is rare that this ever happens.

The fact that he wanted to go into counseling is huge. The fact that he might have found counseling painful during the first visit is normal. The fact that he might want to run the other way, rather than deal with the problems he has created, is very, very normal.

Have you had a chance to read up on Plan A on this site? Your marriage, like mine was, had been suffering for several years prior to the affair. It is not something that can be fixed overnight. Now that another person is involved, a person who has part of your husband's heart, it becomes even more complicated.

Your husband is just beginning to see the fallout of what he has done. It is hard for many wayward spouses to stick around and see the pain they've caused their families. The "I love you but I am not in love with you" line is often used as the wayward spouse tries to explain his or her behavior. What it really means is "our marriage is so broken right now I can't imagine how to fix it.... I remember the way I used to feel about you, but I now question whether that was real love."

Sometimes they rewrite the history of the marriage to justify their undertaking the affair.

Our MC told us, as well as many have here, that two years is the AVERAGE for a couple to work out problems after infidelity is uncovered. It's not just the infidelity you have to overcome, but you have to face all the other problems that existed before that. You have to find the point(s) or breakdown and work at fixing them, one at a time.

And it is hard, hard work. It is impossible work when the other person remains in the picture. As long as she is meeting some of his needs, you are unable to compete. You are competing with a fantasy of a life without problems, no kids, no responsibilities, no worries, as opposed to the REAL world of making the banking deposits, buying the groceries, getting the kids to soccer, and cleaning the bathroom. Which sounds more appealing to you?

I would not go to your parents house right now.... perhaps send the children for a few days so you and your husband have space to really talk. Get another emergency session or two with your counselor. I am sure he/she has seen abrupt turn arounds like this before.

You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders, TR. I know how hard it is to be in the spot you find yourself in. But be encouraged that there is hope and help. Keep posting.

~ Snow

Thank you so much for all the encouragement. After I talked to my Mom I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I'm hesitant to call her back today just out of embarrassment (sp?)I know she's worried about me but I have to get my head together before calling her this afternoon.
My H came to me this morning and said that he just wants some space to think and try to start dating me again. He says he will not be seeing the OW becasue he needs to find out why he is doing these things to me. I don't know if I beleive that but at this point I'm willing to let him move out and I will find a way for myself. My parents said they would come get me but I just can't see taking my son out of the school he loves so much and all of his friends. To top it off we just moved into a new neighborhood a year ago and he is thriving here with all of the kids and the community. I just don't think I could stand to disrupt his life anymore than it already is and will be when H moves out.
H told me this morning that he does love me but he's just so confused. At this point I feel that my life has been a lie and I don't even know who I am. I guess starting tomorrow I will have to go find a job and start making a life for me and my son and hope for the best with my marriage.
I can't stand hurting anymore. I've cried so many tears.
My sister-in-law invited us over for dinner tonight so I plan on taking my son without H so that my son can be around his cousins and just be happy. My H did confide to his brother and my sister-in-law. I feel embarrassed to see them but feel that if I avoid them that it will only make me feel more awkward. So, I guess you could say that I'm just going to take a leap and let them know that I know everything and that I need them. They told my H that they could not support his desicion to leave me seeing that I'm such a good person <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> That made me feel good. Well, I need to get out of this house and try to put a smile on my face. Night is the worst for me so I'm going to try to keep myself busy. I really appreciate the advise from everyone. Please keep it coming...I need it so badly.

TR,
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My H came to me this morning and said that he just wants some space ...
H told me this morning that he does love me but he's just so confused. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I PROMISE you my H said these EXACT words to me.

Re-read SB post. It was enlightening to me, and my Dday was 5 months ago !!!!

This is a good time to really get acquainted with the site.

Listen, and I'm not telling this to hurt you, but usually when they say they need space, that they aren't going to be with OW.... oh yes sweetie, they probably will be.

You need to gain knowledge now. Read read read here ! read it over again. You have a plan... he doesn't !

Hang in there.

Betrayedinjersey.....did you H leave the marriage for the OW?
My H wants to continue MC while we are seperated. Do you thik there is any hope in saving this marriage? I am so confused!!!!!

Tree,

Have to agree with Betrayedinjersey. Here's the interpretation of the WS saying, "I need some space":

"I need to be able to pursue a relationship with OW without my family getting in the way of my fun."

I would advise you to encourage him NOT to move out, to consider going on with a counselor ASAP and do Plan A to your best ability.

~ Snow