History:
Separated in 2000/Divorced in 2001 ExH had an affair- Now remarried to OW. Started dating someone again in 2002, became serious in late 2002 (he moved in). All was well for awhile... Now...

Things have been rocky for the last 6-7 months due to some lingering issues. 1)He is still legally married - separated for over 4 years, but legally married. He says he's done this to help her out with insurance and such, but she doesn't work and he still basically supports her. His other excuse for that was that is daughter wasn't of age and needed to support her. Ok.. So the daughter is 19 now, not in school, no job, and not exactly what you would call ambitious. They (she and wife) call constantly for money, favors, etc and he ALWAYS says "yes". Now mind you, the wife has a live in boyfriend with a job, but still calls constantly. 2) Isn't always honest about how often she calls and where he is since it always causes an arguement between us.
OK... So he went on vacation for a week in June with his family (a yearly event) and started an EA with someone he's known there for 20 years. They've been talking pretty often since then. She lives in another state and he swears there's been nothing physical. Anyway, I noticed a change in him, finally got him to admit that yes he is talking to her, and is now "confused". He says that he loves me, but isn't sure what he wants now. I asked if she knew that he was living with someone and the answer was "no". We had an emotional talk on Sunday and agreed to try and work things out. On the outside things look good, but it doesn't seem like he's really into it. He's always been a "people pleaser" type and I don't know if he's just told me this since I was so upset or ???. At one point last week he talked about moving out and taking some "time". I believe that he's still talking to her and just not telling me. I realize that I can be demanding and opinionated about most things and it now seems that he's afraid to tell me what he's really thinking and feeling??

I guess my bottom line right now is: Do I ask him to move out and figure out what it is that he wants? Should I just wait this out a bit longer? Try and stick with a Plan A? What type of time limit should I set?

Sorry for all the rambling.

I would begin by setting some boundaries. You are living with him but he is still married. Red flags for me. And on top of that he is having an EA and "doesn't know what he wants?"

I would move on and find someone who is available.

Blindsided,

I ditto, what believer said. But, I would ask you, what sort of relationship is it when you share him with exW, another lady that you know of, and who knows what else. The sex may be good, but you can do far better than this guy. He has just found someone to take care of him and meet his needs while he moves along keeping women on the string.

You KNOW you can do better than this, so get to doin it.

God Bless,

JL

The first mistake was letting him move in, why do we women do this????! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

So my vote is MOVE HIM OUT!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
If he can not be faithful in just living together situation.........what do you ever expect from there??

Sorry to see your pain. You do deserve better than this.

Blessings,
Atruheart

Thanks guys! I needed some support on this one! I'm pretty much at the point where I'm going to move on, but just needed to hear it from someone else.

I do have to add a bit in my defense about the ExW, I know there isn't anything going on between them, except that he doesn't have the guts to stand up to her and that he's so paranoid that she's going to trash him to his daughter. He is now in the process of the divorce, but molasses moves faster than it is.

I think I might go ahead and set some hard boundaries and force him into a decision.

Geez, I'm glad this board is here... I'd almost forgotton how nice it was to be related to <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Blindsided,

BUZZZZ, wrong answer. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

You said </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I think I might go ahead and set some hard boundaries and force him into a decision. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">WRONG. You are the one that has to answer for your life and your life choices, NOT HIM.

Let's review the bidding here.

He is married.

He is married.

He is married.

His divorce is going very very slowly.
He still answers to his W.

There is another woman in the picture besides you.

He is married.

He is married.

So let's see here, who is it that needs to set boundaries in their life, and live their life consistent with their morals??? Who??

The answer is of course: YOU, that is who. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Blindsided, even if the divorce came through he is NOT the man for you, and you know why. but, the odds are it may not. You should not and you cannot force him to end is marriage OR ELSE.

You should be ending this relationship because he IS married, and he does see other women. Where are your boundaries? Where is your action? What will YOUR decision be.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL