Hello everyone. Never dreamed I'd be posting here - this is all very new to me. I visited this site about three years ago when I discovered that my husband of (then) 29 years was having a pretty serious "infatuation" with a woman we knew. I say "infatuation" because I honestly don't believe it got to a sexual stage. The woman's husband and I actually put the puzzle pieces together to discover what was happening. Once confronted, my husband became extremely angry, but broke off contact with her (believe me, Joe and I were monitoring all actions!). I attributed the affair to a true mid-life crisis - our business had just closed, daughter left for college, H getting older and losing hair and our beautiful home on the market. We lived apart for a year, each seeking individual counseling. After about six months he started to come around, calling and going out occasionally to family events. We had even booked a cruise prior to the breakup, and went to the Caribbean just one month prior to resuming housekeeping. We approached our reunion with more open communication and were very happy with life in our new home. H became bored in his job after five years, and we decided to move someplace warm. Fate gave us the opportunity to relocate to the U. S. Virgin Islands where he managed a large box-type store. He was quite successful in turning the store around and loved his team. I, on the other hand, suffered from culture shock and homesickness, even though the turquoise waters were beautiful and the view around every turn breathtaking. Unfortunately, I found the island locals to be very angry, rude and prejudiced which drained me in my everyday contact through my work at an animal clinic and in my personal business (bank, post office, stores). I stayed as long as I could and returned to the States after only 10 months with the understanding that H would be following in a month or so. I arrived to an offer of a great job in Washington (we're both from the area) - H urged me to take the position and said he would find work in that area as well (he had been applying for jobs via the Internet for several months.) I have to emphasize that, even though I wasn't very happy living on St. Thomas, H went out of his way to be kind and loving, taking me on trips to neighboring islands, dinner out, gifts, holding hands on the couch while we watched TV. I believed we were both very happy given the circumstances of my frame of mind. H arrived back here on July 3 having transferred with his company to a store in VA, and we set up housekeeping in a rental apartment pending my return to Washington once my security clearance was completed. He hit me with the news soon after that, after I left the island, he felt like a weight had been lifted off his shoulders, that he could relax and enjoy island life without worrying about making me happy. Said he did not want to return to Washington, and wanted to try life on St. Thomas again. I thought that after a few weeks of being stateside again, he might change his mind. When I realized he was determined, I felt it best that I return to a relative's home in MD as watching him prepare to leave would be too upsetting. I very calmly told him of my plan, that I felt it best that he be given the space to do what he needed to do and I left the next day. Several days later, after some serious soul-searching, I returned to the apartment (a 2-hour drive) to propose that we put the previous experience behind us, return to the island and start over. I truly feel that my marriage is far more important that any job, and I so miss my best friend of 32 years. When I arrived at the apartment, I printed some info from the desktop computer I'd left with him. I found a resume he had prepared for a woman who works for him. I had also seen several calls to her cell number in St. T that week on his cell phone. Having been through this before, I suspected something was going on and called her. (I know this woman, and had interviewed her for my job prior to my H hiring her at his store.) When I asked what was going on between her and H, she replied that I should ask H, but I pressed her to find out that they had spent some time together after I left the island. I explained that I wanted to get our marriage back on track, but couldn't if she were in the middle. I asked her to back off and she said she would. He knew of my call to her and returned from work absolutely livid that night. Said I should get two things straight - 1) yes, he cares about her and 2) did he sleep with her? - no, did he want to? - yes. Of course, he was upset that I had caught him for the 2nd time. I urged him to calm down, and explained that I came to try to patch things up by returning to the island. He said he wanted to return to see what he could do, that he was very angry and didn't know what he wanted. I asked what my best course of action was to help him, and we agreed I'd return to MD and not contact him by phone or e-mail. No sooner did I leave, than he booked a week on the island in August. I suspect that he plans to see this woman. My theory is that I prevented him carrying out the affair of three years ago, but, by God, I'll not stop him this time. His reason for going back is to find work and attend a job fair at one of the hotels, and she'll probably be putting out some resumes as well although she is still working on the island. He indicated that he thought he should seek some counseling for whatever is eating him up inside (guilt?) and that he hadn't given up on us. Not sure what kind of time these two "spent" after I left, but it appears that he intends to resume the relationship when he returns. I realize I can't control his actions, and I don't think it's a good idea to even try to talk to him about this situation as he wouldn't hear I word I say anyway. Basically, I'm alone in a rent-free beautiful home, presently unemployed but interviewing and going out of my mind anticipating the pain and loss ahead of me. H travels mid-August. My evil twin hopes he doesn't land a job, but I imagine he'd find a way to subconciously blame me for that as well. We have talked by phone several times concerning bill-paying matters and he thanked me for taking his parents to the hospital for his mom's scheduled surgery. I made the mistake of pursuing him in an effort to win him back 3 years ago. I'm also hearing some of the same phrases now as before - I love you, but I'm not in love with you, etc. I've learned a lot since then and know that's NOT the thing to do. I realize that I must get on with my life as he's in no state of mind to work on a marriage, if he ever decides that it's worth working on from his perspective. I'm just feeling such a sense of loss, both of my spouse and my best friend. I truly didn't see this coming, and he admitted to me he was very selfish not to have shown his true feelings all along. If this guy was acting, he should truly get an Oscar. Anyway, I'm just here to reach out for support and understanding. I need to keep very busy and welcome any and all responses. Thank you all - you're in my thoughts and prayers.
