ITHURTS,
Your name sure says it all. This just HURTS, doesn't it??
You originally wrote on about Thursday that you were going to go out to lunch with your H, and you wanted to ask him if he still had any love for you...and you were wondering if that was in line with Plan A.
I'd like to ask a few questions to make sure we are on the same page. As I understand it, your H is still in an ongoing affair (A), and is still in contact with the OP. You are doing Plan A, which you define as meeting his Emotional Needs (ENs) as much as possible. And he's not treating you meanly right now, but you think that is probably because he wants you to go to his D's wedding and put on the show of being a couple. Is that about right?? Pretty close??
First, whether or not you ask him that question at lunch, his response is not really a response that can be trusted as completely honest--not that he would purposely lie, but rather that WS's are often sorrowful one day and angry the next...they want their family one day and their OP the next. Thus, I would suggest that no matter what his answer was, do not use that answer as a basis for MAJOR decisions. I'd suggest using his ACTIONS as a measuring stick, not his WORDS.
Second, I'd like to encourage you to bring his affair to the light of day by not continuing to lie for him. If he chooses to continue his A rather than choose his family, then that is HIS choice, not yours--and by continuing to keep it secret, you are sort of his accomplice. Now, I'm not saying you should take out an ad in the local newspaper or a billboard. I AM saying that you suggesting that you consider telling your family if they will be supportive of you trying to save your marriage--your pastor or elders in your church (if you go)--your friends who will help you save your marriage--etc. There's no need to say, "That LOUSE is having an affair!!!!" and in fact that really would be an LB; however, it would be absolutely appropriate to say, "I love my H very much and have found out that he is involved in a relationship with another woman. I am trying to save our marriage and would appreciate your prayers and encouragement to honor his vows and return to his family." If you do go to his D's wedding, you might say, "I am choosing to come to your wedding because I love you and want to honor your vows, but I won't be attending with your father because he is choosing to continue to have an affair after I have asked him to stop." If he gets angry--all he has to do to stop you from saying those things is end his A. His choice!
Finally, let's talk about Plan A. Plan A does not mean allowing your partner to walk all over you and continue to have his other woman (OW) and you meeting his needs. That would be like suggesting that you become a doormat! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Nope, in fact, Plan A is about realizing that you have emotional needs and so does he--and to see if you can figure out a way to verbalize those needs. And back in the day when you two first met, you fell in love with him and HE FELL IN LOVE WITH YOU because somehow you naturally met his EN's! When you were the very best person you could be, your natural characteristics and qualities met his EN's--so Plan A is not about being a DOORMAT, it's about returning to the very best woman you can be...the woman you were meant to be...and meeting his needs because you are who you are.
Does that make any sense?? He loved you because you met his needs--and if you become that woman again, you will meet his needs again just like you did back then.
CJ
