I need your advice... please help.
The pieces finally fell into place today. My wife and I
had been very distant for some time. She never wanted
to kiss and seldom wanted sex. She spent all her time
playing games online or posting to erotic boards.
One day, a few weeks back, when I opened my browser
and found the url to site I had never visited. I
started reading the posts she made and learned of her
online affair. I say online because there was no evidence
that they ever really met. It was the way she described
her husband that really bothered me. She made it seem
like I was cold, unloving and boring.
My wife started asking be a lot of questions about sex.
It turns out she was doing research for stories she
was posting to the erotic boards or for her gin playing buddy.
I became curious why she would not let me read any of them
and secretly set up a account on the board. Her stories
had the common theme of an unhappily married woman getting
her needs fulfilled with affairs.
It became increasingly hard to separate the fiction from
reality. She even wrote about sex with me and how she
used me to get off after dreaming about her online lover.
I was not as upset about the fact that she was imagining
someone else as I was they way she described me. It was very
hurtful to me. I remember the day the event occurred and it
ranked among one of the better times in the last few years
for me.
A couple weeks ago she answered a post about kissing
and said she had met someone that could almost give her
an orgasm for just a kiss. She wrote a story about her
encounter with him. Again, It was hard to say if it was
reality or fantasy. One night I heard her cell phone
ringing at 11:30pm and when to answer it. The line
went dead. There were 11 missed calls from the same local
number. I asked her about it and she said it was just
her gin playing buddy. I had a real uneasy feeling about this
response. It is one thing to play games with a stranger
it was different to get obsessive calls and text messages
from someone else in our own town.
I wrote her a letter last week expressing my concern for
her spending all of her time online and never making time
for us. I also asked that we make sex a priority and
not wait until midnight to get started. I also told her I
was afraid one of us would end up in an affair and that
I would not tolerate it.
She responded by becoming even more distant and refused
all forms of affection. The day I wrote the letter
I decided that the fighting would end. I realized that
I had been re-acting to each of her negative attacks
the way a wounded dog would. I was not living my life
as my true self. I had allowed myself to become a miserable
hateful person.
Over the last week, I completely changed and started doing
all the things I had rejected. I felt much better about myself.
I even got Pr. Phil's book "Self Matters" and realized that
I had indeed been living a lie. I only ranked at 34% of my
true self.
Two days ago, my wife finally wrote a letter in response
detailing all the things I had done wrong and how unhappy
she truly was. Sh felt she had married me for all the
wrong reasons and that staying married for the kids was not
worth it. I will admit I would not have wanted to be
married to me over that last years either but she helped
make me this way.
We talked about it and I asked if there was any chance to
save our marriage and she suggested counseling. She agreed
to give us 3 months to try to work out the problems that
have existed for over 8 years. I will admit that things have been
better since it all came out into the open.
That is until today.
Yesterday she asked if she could go with some of her
sorority sisters on Saturday to help set up a chapter house at a
college 2.5 hours away. We were already scheduled to attend a
wedding that night. I agreed she could go. Last night she
became very upset and did not want to talk to me. Just
before I fell asleep, she told me that she had changed her
mind about going. I said that was ok.
This morning I was looking at her posts and she was telling
everyone how upset that her "kissing friend" had told
her last night that she could still come visit but
he could not kiss her anymore. He had met someone last
week and was "In Love" It seems she was suppose to drive
2.5 hours to the college on Saturday to meet him. The week
before, he went to visit a male friend which turned out to
be a girl. He was breaking it off with my wife.
She was upset that HE LIED TO HER.
WHAT THE HELL? She can't be lied to when she is cheating on me?
She was lying to me about where she was going and the only
thing that stopped her was him breaking it off. So much for the
trying to work it out.
My question is what should I do now? Should I confront
her with the information now or keep watching. I feel a little
bit like a spy but I have not been reading her email. She
has been posting this stuff in public for the world to see.
She sits just a foot from me and does all of this on her laptop.
I need to confront has make it clear that this is not acceptable to me.
I feel that if I do so, it will end any chance of working it out.
It seems clear that this kissing affair is over. Do I just let
it go and see if we can mend the fences? Should I just
give up and end it?
I am the primary care giver for the children. I get them
up, get them dressed, give them breakfast, take them to
school, pick them up, give them supper, give them baths,
and put them to bed. I am the one they come to when hurt
or sick. I know if we divorced, she would want the kids but
she has no clue how to care for them. The kids and I
just interfere with her plans to go would with "Friends".
Up until today, I felt there might be a chance to work things
out but now I am not sure I even want to try. I am sure
there are hundreds of women that would love to be in her place. I
deserve better than this kind of treatment.
I feel I could forgive past transgressions but I will
not tolerate them going forward. I am having a hard time
with the fact that she lied to me and was going to meet
the guy after agreeing to see if we could rebuild
our relationship.
The Kissing affair seems to be over. Do I forgive it
or make it the line in the sand. It may not have been
a sexual affair but it was an emotional one. He stole
her affection from me.
My gut feeling is that I have to confront this issue head on
and let her know that this will never again be tolerated. If
it ends the marriage then there really was not anything to
save anyway.
What should I do? What would you do?
Torn Apart
