Well after what seemed like a good week my WH is back to the I don't want this anymore speech. He was kind of late getting home last night but showed up with food from my favorite resturate. He then put a movie in and I thought maybe things are starting to turn around a bit. Well he went to the bathroom and I was cleaning up and found a sales slip and it showed he recharged a phone card a few hours earlier. My heart just sunk. He was trying NC again and things really did seem ok.

I did ask him why he called again. I didn't say it mean or anything. I was very calm and I think that is what bothered him. He came to bed and hugged me so tight and said he was sorry that he doesn't want to hurt me anymore. That things haven't changed about how he feels even after MC. We have only gone for 3 sessions and everytime we go he says at the time it helps.

He tries to say it's not about her that if he never talks to her again he would still feel the way he does. He says his main problem with our marriage is the fact I don't understand him. He is a very deep person and does not say what he means. You have to really read into things and do a lot of thinking to understand what he is saying. Especially when things he says can be taken many different ways. I really think MC has helped me understand him better plus bring out little things I can work on to make the marriage a little happier.

What I don't understand is if he truly believes it's not about her then why can't he stop contacting her? Why won't he give us a true chance? He says he wants out and he has felt this way for sometime. Also said the only reason he married me was the fact that we had a 8 month old son together at the time. Said last night he was going to break it off with me when we were dating then I got pregnant so he stayed around and did the right thing. I really don't believe this but he does. He says he is not confused. I asked him what if he did NC and things did change about how he feel about me and he says they won't.

I told him if he wanted to leave me it's his choice but I think he will regret it later. I asked him when he is going to leave he said eventually. I told him I can't live my life in limbo. He said he doesn't want to leave until he knows I will be ok. And he doesn't want to leave if I am going to hate him. And also said he wants to work with me to figure out a plan so we both can be ok with it. I told him I am not going to be happy about him leaving and I will make it the best I can without him. I also told him I will not help him leave me by calling lawyers and stuff.

I got very strong and felt a peace come over me then for some reason. I just kept hearing the words I still have everything under control. Then I just started praying. You know the first MC session we went to the ladies house and on the way there we passed a sign someone had in their yard. It said God still has everything under control. I felt at the time that message was for me. I do have faith God is working something out in my marriage. And if it doesn't work out the way I want I know he will still be with me and help me.

I laid in bed just staring at the ceiling and my husband kissed my hand. I know I am probably stupid but I then said make love to me. He looked at me so tenderly and did and afterwards he kissed me lots of times and hugged me so tight. I am so confused and feel so empty right now. It feels like I have no hope left in me. What do I do? Do I just wait till he finally leaves? Do I continue with plan A?

I did cry one time last night but not for me. What hurts me the most is the fact that I know my 3 yr old son will be so hurt if his daddy goes. And I know my baby girl that will be born in Dec won't really know her dad. That kills me. I would do anything to make this work. I am so willing to makes changes and be a better wife but it seems like he doesn't even care. Sometimes I think he is not in the fog that he truly means what he says and truly doesn't love me. I feel like giving up and just moving on and let him live the life he wants.

This weekend we are going to Chicago with his cousin to help him move up here. On the way back we have to drive one of his cars so that will give us 12 hours to talk. I really don't think it will make a difference though. It seems like his mind is set already. Thanks for listening to me.