I am new to this site and this is my first post. I have read the information about this site and while a lot of it addresses my issues, I have concerns specific to my situation that aren't addressed in the various articles and Q&As.

We have been married for almost 8 years, and we have a 4 year old son. I am a stay at home mom, and my husband has a job in which he works from home most of the time but sometimes has to travel for work. About four months ago, I became pregnant. When I was 3 months pregnant, it was discovered that the baby had died. This was about 4 weeks ago. I had to have a D&E to extract the fetus because I was not able to pass it naturally. The medications they gave me during this procedure did not work, and as a result, I was alert for the entire procedure and fully felt everything that was happening. My physical recovery (bleeding) has only now tapered off after 4 weeks. I have had recurring nightmares every night this month, which consist of a replay of the hospital experience. When it became clear that the nightmares were not stopping and my depression was making it difficult for me to function, I scheduled an appointment for therapy - I called last week and my appointment is this coming week.

During the past month while I was recovering from the miscarriage, my husband had to be away on 3 different business trips. As a result, I mostly grieved alone while taking care of our young son. When my husband was home with us, he did not comfort me as I thought he should (i.e. hugging me while I wept) and I ended up feeling more alone in my sadness.

My husband returned from the last of these 3 business trips last week. For the first 3 days that he was home, he was withdrawn, depressed, and didn't to want to talk about what was bothering him despite my efforts. I tried hard to put aside my grief and also my anger at him not being a comfort to me, and asked him how I could help him get through whatever emotional distress he was experiencing. Then, he told me that while he was away on the trip, he looked at his life and wasn't happy with what he saw. Please note that any 'outsider' would look at our life and think it was wonderful: nice job, nice house, nice kid, happy people. And I thought we had a good life together, so this came as a shock to me. He said that he felt our marriage was too constraining and didn't give him enough options. I asked him for examples and he could not give me any. He floated the idea of a separation in which he would go away for 2-3 weeks and think things through. I was calm and noncomittal about this, but inside I was raging and devastated that he would dump this on me while I was still in physical and emotional recovery from the miscarriage. Over the next 24 hours, I only became more angry and worried.

The following evening (three days ago), acting on no more than a tiny voice of suspicion in my head, I asked him if he had had any romantic involvement with anyone beside me. I was very calm. He said yes. With much prompting from me, he told me that he had hooked up with a woman, a complete stranger, last week while he was away on his trip. They did not have intercourse, but spent the evening making out in a bar/lounge place. It was one incident and I doubt that he would be able to or want to make contact with her unless he travelled across the world again to where she lives.

He now says that what he said the other night about the constraints of marriage and wanting to go away to think things through are no longer true, and that he wants to work to keep our marriage together, that he does not want to separate. When I ask him "why do you want this marriage?" his main reason is to keep 2 parents in the house for our son. His secondary reason is that he feels he will never meet anyone as honest and caring as I am. I am very confused because first he said our marriage had too many constraints, and then after admitting infidelity the very next day, his emotions and thoughts have made a complete 180 degree turnabout.

Now. First of all, I am glad that I have a therapy appointment in 3 days, because now I have double the stress and double the despair, which I didn't think was even possible. Despite my deep depression, I am taking as good care of myself as possible because I need to be here as a mother to our young son (who knows nothing of this) and that is the most important thing in my life.

I bought and have read most of the book "After the Affair" and despite my rage, I am taking the author's advice not to make any irrevocable decisions right now (i.e., whether to leave or stay). My initial response was that I wanted to leave - before we married I told him that there were only 2 things that could end a marriage for me: abuse or infidelity.

I recognize that I am not thinking rationally right now and am prepared to wait until I am calm enough to decide one way or the other with more than my emotions fueling the decision.

Right now I feel ambivalent about the decision to stay or leave. I am not sure if I love him anymore. I know that I love our son and that a divorce would devastate him. I know that a fake-nice marriage is not a good model for our son.

I do not know if I have the capacity to forgive this infidelity. I mean, he knew I was going through a horrific miscarriage recovery, almost entirely on my own, and he decides consciously (without going into details, I know it was conscious) to cheat on me.

To make matters worse, I asked for details and got them. She is young, beautiful, exotic (the trip was in a foreign country) and a somewhat famous actress on television. How can I possibly compete with that? In comparison I feel old (31), fat (5'4" 135#), and boring (an American SAHM). My self esteem is in the toilet right now. I don't know if I will ever be able to get the image of them out of my head. If you have ever seen the film "Eyes Wide Shut" and you remember the scenes where Tom Cruise is envisioning his wife's imagined infidelity, you'll know how I am thinking about this. It's torture. I have also had a nightmare about him cheating, to add to my already disrupted sleep.

My main problem coping with this is that I am trying to process two very difficult events at the same time, and am having a hard time processing either of them. None of the infidelity literature that I have read speaks to this issue. Whenever I feel that I can stop thinking about the miscarriage for a while, then thoughts of the cheating take over my mind and heart.

I feel that my heart is completely broken. Is there anything (book, site, advice) that you feel can help me cope with this dual emotional trauma? The fact that he is now trying to be supportive is almost meaningless to me right now. I am hopeful about my therapy appointment but need something in the meantime to help if possible. I spend most of my time crying in bed.

How can I get past the disbelief, rage, and depression and start to think rationally about my decision?

Thanks for taking the time to read such a long post.

hss

Hss I am sorry to hear about your sad situation. I am quickly dying of a recently broken heart so I cannot be much support to you, but I will only say that this MB is naturally pretty quiet at weekends so don't think you are being ignored by the regulars.

I will also tell you what I have found - that is that there is more genuine love and support from the enabled strangers on here than in a lifetime of well-intentioned 'best friends'. They will help you.

God bless you. God bless us all.

Hi,
welcome here.
First of all, I am truly sorry about your very recent loss.
I cannot pretend to fully feel the deepness of your sorrow, so just please take a sincere hug <<<<>>>>.
You are already taking good steps toward coping with your feelings of grief; the counseling appointment is critical for you. If the professional suggests additional anti-depressant medication, please do consider it.
I would also suggest to have a diary so you can vent all your rage, and sadness, without the negative effects these expressed directly to your husband could have IF you decide you are strong enough to implement plan A/ or if your H is already truly commited to recovery, not to hinder it.
It is an immense task, as you also care for your young child at the same time.
I had no confidantes, so I just vented here, and also looked for projects to help me with my nonexisting selfesteem. If you enjoy being a SAHM, maybe you can find it from some new activities you can do with your child, seeing my kids happy did make me happier.
Hopefully your H will be willing to learn about POJA, about the need to account for time so your anxiety will diminish, and hopefully will participate in counseling.

Please refrain from making any big decisions right now - and concentrate on healing your body and soul first. I sure hope you have good professionals to help you with that.
Also there are people on this board much more experienced and wiser than me, and also more successful with Plan A, Plan B, and with success in recovery. Just please know that the traffic is slow on weekends so you might not get many suggestions right away. The book "Surviving an Affair" gave me lots of understanding, and hope for my future, regardless of the way my M will turn out eventually.

With comforting thoughts
FBOW

((((((((((((((((((((HUGS HSS)))))))))))))))))))))

The statistics on marriages after the loss of a child are very sad. Something like 80% of couples end up divorced.

The reason is that while mom needs reassurance and support, dad feels like he should be able to "fix" this. But of course, he can't.

So both pull away from each other.

I was like you, but had a miscarriage. Mine was in the 12th week. No one can understand what this means to a woman. A relationship between mom and baby has already developed.

I hope you will stick with us, and keep posting. Your situation is very normal. I think you and your husband can get through this.

dear hss - I think your husband's infedility is a direct result of everything that has happened with the loss of your baby. People react in different ways and he definately was not thinking at all, it is good that you are going for IC to help you work through these last few months, definately encourage your H to go to IC or if you can see if you can get into to see a MC to help you both work on your M.

It is good you are reading After the Affair - Dr. Spring wrote another book that has just come out over the last year on forgiveness - "How Can I Forgive", this may help you also.

I am so sorry for your loss - Sandy

I am so sorry for your loss.

It is perhaps as someone mentioned one part of why your H did what he did.

Do not turn on your SAHM self and think you are not enough to compare to 'an exotic actress'. You brought up Tom Cruise. He left his wife Nicole Kidman (slim, beautiful, talented, etc) to be with another woman (who he is no longer with I might add!)

You are truly in a good position to be already hooked up with a counselor to help you thru.

Best wishes on straightening it all out!

Bob Pure, thank you for your kind words. I hope that you can find solace in your situation. I'm sorry that you're going through something similar.

forbetterorworse, thank you for the book recommendation re: "Surviving an Affair." I will look for the book. I have been spending time with our son and it does help me to feel better. Fortunately he is blissfully unaware of what is going on, except that I am more tired than usual.

believer, I am so sorry for your loss. You and I experienced miscarriage at exactly the same point, when most mothers feel that they are out of the woods in terms of risk. I hope you have found peace and healing. Thank you for your kind words.

sl000, thank you for the book recommendation about finding forgiveness. This is something that is hard for me to imagine currently, so I am interested in this book. I have also suggested to my husband that he sees a therapist, and he is receptive to the idea. I think it would be a great help to him no matter what the outcome is for our marriage. I have also told him that if there is any hope for reconciliation, we will need to work with a marriage counselor. I *think* that my therapist also does couples therapy, so that might be a good starting point if my husband is receptive to that.

picklesaresour, thank you for your kind words about my self esteem. Honestly, I know that I am reasonably attractive physically and emotionally - but I need to feel that my husband sees me this way. Right now, I don't. That is the critical difference.

Update: We had another marathon conversation last night. While he is still 100% committed to working things out with me, he also is realizing just how horrible his choices were, and is filled with self-loathing. He's said things like, "maybe you shouldn't be with me...I'm an ***hole." This is when I suggested individual counseling for him to deal with the issues that are troubling him personally, apart from our marriage. I honestly think that until last night he didn't realize how much he had hurt me and our family. It hit home for him when he reflected back on his day (which he spent with our son so that I could have time alone to think); he said he felt horrible because he loved our son so much and could not believe that he acted like our son didn't exist during the incident of infidelity. [Detail: At no time during his conversations with this woman did he tell her he was married with a young child.] He is hating himself for putting our marriage in jeopardy. While it's fairly easy for me to agree with him and nod my head while he denigrates himself, I am trying to see him as a human who made a mistake - the rest of our many years of marriage has been good and we have no other major problems. This, coupled with the fact that he is desparate to make things work, is heartening for me.

Again, I appreciate all of your replies. I will update again when I have more to say.

hss

One quick question.

My husband said this evening that he wasn't sure if we should talk further until we both feel that we understand our feelings. I feel that the more time that goes between productive conversations, the angrier and more hurt I feel--and that if we go for a few days or a week between meaningful conversations about the infidelity, that the gap and rage and hurt will be too big to deal with.

The book After the Affair says that we should be trying to talk things through now even though our emotions are so raw. What do you think? My fear is that the one small inkling of desire I have to make our marriage work will be snuffed out if any length of time elapses between talks right now.

Thoughts?

hss

Yes, you should talk about this. WS's usually would like to sweep it under the rug. Not healthy.

And like most former WS's, your husband is going to go through some painful feelings of remorse. But stick with us. I think chances of having a great marriage are good.

Would your husband be willing to post here?

HSS,
I am so sorry for your losses. While I have no idea what if feels like to lose a child, your other I and so many others here can relate to.

Someone said to you that it is common to have problems at this time. You are feeling such a deep grief and your H feels at a loss to fix this. I believe this has a great deal to do with what happened. I had been through a long and drawn out illness at the time of my H's A. I needed support plus everything about our routine was destroyed. My H couldn't fix me, he couldn't stop the kids from needing mom, I believe he felt helpless and his self esteem was probably crushed by this helplessness. It still hurts and I still hate that it happened. However, now I can see how it could happen. He was trying to escape from his helplessness, from a chaotic homelife, from a chaotic work schedule that demanded time he didn't have to give. Basically, he just needed to escape. Something he needed desperately showed up in the form of a woman who knew what to look for. She knew someone desperate for some confidence and gave it.

What happened next reminds me of your H saying he needed time away to think. He found himself in not a better place but one much worse. His problem then wasn't that he couldn't help me but that he couldn't face me without horrible guilt slamming him in the gut. It is a downward spiral.

One thing -it isn't your fault. It is not about you. To calm your fears and self doubt concerning the OW, it is not about the OW. She just happened to be the one there. The person this is about is your H. He was needing something or looking for something or maybe escaping from something, like insecurity or self doubt.

Talk. Talk about everything. Learn about EN's and find out what it is he needs. Do talk though. It doesn't get easier to discover new things about the A. With times, things do lose some of their sting but each new revelation can bring you back to that dday feeling. This is experience talking. My H put off most of the hard stuff for over a year. Instead of being at a point in time where we should be strongly in recovery, we were back at dday all over. Also on your part, remember talking about this is not just hard for you, it is hard for him. Try to allow him to talk safely. That can be very hard with your emotions so close to the surface now.

This is a hard time. Please post. You will find great advice here and these people do understand. Right now having someone do that can be priceless. If you post on General, you will find more people there. Read up on MB, not just the forums but everything here. There is a lot to learn.

Take care of yourself.
MM

Dear hss

I am so sorry to hear that you have gone through such a traumatic event. It also is very close to my own experience and I do understand the very heart wrenching sense of loss and emptiness. I also understand the anger for your H not being there and the resentment this brings about.
Unfortunately I played this out with an Affair, a bit in reverse to your situation where your H played out his sorrow and disconnection with a partial one night stand.

And yes I do think it had a lot to do with his behaviour.

However, your H is very, very remorseful from your posts and I suspect is entering depression and in a situation like this, may also begin some self destructive behaviour again, like the partial one night stand. That’s what I did.
Please do what you can to have him see a doctor and a IC. This is what I should have done.

Meanwhile, you must not ignore your own mental and physical health. Get your checkups, and see an IC to be able to handle the emotions and feelings your H behaviour and the loss of your child has caused. Believe me, this will go on for a long time I think. It has for me. I am still seeing a therapist.

When considering your H behaviour hss, please do consider that he did not go ahead with the one night stand, though he felt he wanted too right at that time. I think this may in the end count for a lot. Your H comments early on seem to be more to do with his disconnection to the very sad event and his inability to grieve than actual reality or his real feelings.

I do not believe you need to compete in any way, you are his partner and have been throu some very happy bonding times. YOU have given him a child, a loving home, a safe environment, YOU don’t need to compete with anyone!!! If anything, some picture perfect air brushed model who starves herself has to come up to meet your standards, don’t think she doesn’t. Probably cant either.
All this is so new and hurtful to you right now that it probably seems you are being torn apart. Don’t give into those feelings and if you need to, see a doctor to get some anti D’s .

Having read your posts I sincerely believe your H will regret each and every thought he ever had as reality slowly comes back to him. He already is starting to feel he is the lowest thing on earth for his actions now that he is processing YOUR hurt and grief.

Let him be there for you, encourage him to be there for you . You will also have to be there for him.
Yes I do think you should ask him to continue talking about your M, perhaps via MC who can guide and advise the both of you throu the process. Whoever you get make sure they are pro M and will work with you to get the M back on track.

And post here, ask more experienced MBers for advice and recommendations.

My heart goes out to you hss and I do so hope you both can heal, and heal together.

Thank you so much for your replies. It helps me a lot to come here and read them.

I have good news. I shared with my husband what my expectations/needs are if we are to attempt to reconcile. I also included what I was prepared to give of myself. I asked him to put together a list of the same from his perspective and he said he would work on it. He is also reading (at my request) the book After the Affair. He has read 3 chapters so far and has told me that he agrees with almost everything in the book, and is looking forward to finishing it so that he can learn more about how we can get through this.

I think that as long as we both remain committed, we have a good chance at survival. I am going to continue to check in here.

My therapy appointment tomorrow evening is ostensibly for my miscarriage-related grief, but I hope my therapist will also be able to help me with this issue.

Thanks again.

hss

Sweetie - You have the miscarriage related grief, and issues with your WH. Please bring them all up at counseling.