I found out in May about the a. WH made all the appropriate claims of regret and promises to do beter. Found out yestereday that there is MUCH more to the relationship than he claimed in May. He hase continued to see her. They have kept a journal together detailing their encounters and how much they love one another. I found the journal yesterday. I did not tell him that I read it but I did confront him about the continuing relationship. He says that he loves me and our son and does not want a divorce--he is just so mixed up now. His main complaint about our marriage is that our sex life is not adventurous or exciting enough for him. I found out she has been in my house, in my bed. God, how do you get passed that. I know the books say the images will fade over time and that it is possible to recover from this but I don't see how. She is married and has two children. Should I tell her husband? To complicate things even more she works for my husband. I do not think WH even begins to comprehend the dangers that could come from this. I "outed" him last night to his family. I made him leave yesterday after we talked. I let him stay in May when I found out only the tip of the iceberg. I told him that this is not how I wanted our marriage to end and that I still love him but that I thought he needed to leave and sort himself out. I think I made a mistake by not making him leave in May. I think he needs to hit rock bottom and see how bad things could be for him. His family had an "intervention" with him last night. I do not know the results of this. I am devastated. It is not really a matter of forgivness but of forgetting and being able to move forward. He suggested we move. I know that this is Dr. Harley's recommedation too but I don't see how that really solves the problem. THe problem is within--he could pick up with someone else or if he wanted to, we still have family here, he could stay in contact with her and even see her if he really wanted to. What do I do?
I called the OW and left her a message to stay away from my husband. Maybe i shouldn't have done this but I felt like I needed to take a stand and let her know that I was not going to allow this anymore. My family and his are being very supportive but no one really understands the utter betrayal of this as they have not been through it. I know that there are many of you on this site that have survived and are surving this. Please help me.

I'm also kind of new at this. Please post your message on General Questions II. More people will respond. Weekends and monday mornings are slow.
regards

Sis

I am a FWW just so you know.

Now I am no expert, but have been here for a little while and can perhaps relate some of what I have learnt. If you can understand I am learning all the MB lessons here from my persopective and how to apply them to also save my M and help my H cope when his deployment is over. But that another story.

Firstly, your H sounds like he is right in what is called here the 'fog'. the fantasy of the affair, ALL FUN NO COMMITMENT!!
Sex life not adventureous.....EXCUSE
dont want divorce I'm mixed up ...EXCUSE

What your WH wants, what most WS want is our cake and we want to eat it too!!. Dont accept this as any real reason, its 'fog' talk.
Ok might be some basic issues pre affair in the M that allowed your H to chose an affair, but remember it was his choice, it was my choice, we are responsible. Dont accept excuses, dont accept blame.

Yes INFORM her husband. This is not revenge. pls dont do it for that, its to get an ally in ending the affair. If pressure is suddenly comming from both ends, the affair is open to the light of day, it can many times be enough to end it.
Ok your H will likely be angry, so what. If he had not got into the affair you wouldn't be telling anyone anything would you? The harleys say to expose expose...hard to have a fantasy when reality is hammering on the door.

Yes I think your h has placed himself in a VERY bad situation as the employer, might need some legal advice there. Dont know if you have to take any legal steps to protect yourself, again maybe a lawyer can advise.
The last thing you need is your H to loose everything on top of all of this.

You told him to go, now that may or may not have been a good move, I think you need professional MC advice on that one. My H left me & kids for a few weeks only, I think to get his head around everything & came back. Nothings resolved by the way, he was deployed again.

Contacting the OW? Think you did a good job, took courage. However dont expect too much, if we had any sense at this time we wouldn't cheat in the first place would we? SHe will be in the 'fog' too. Did you advise you would be telling her H??? I ask this as it appears it is not uncommon for cheaters to tell their partners somehting like "oh XXX wife is so crazy! She has been acusing everyone at work of having an A with her H and now is saying that of me".....etc etc

So all I can say now is read the basics here over and over, ask questions here and you will get lots of help I'm sure.

Well thats about the limit of my knowledge so I hope its helped some way. May you & your H resolve the issues and get your M back.

My best wishes and prayers

Dear Crazed,
Thanks for the reply. It was helpful to hear from the WW/OW. My concern in telling her husband is that I do not know him at all and I fear his reaction. Much as my WH has hurt me, I really don't want to see him dead. I am still turning this over in my head.
Thank you for the wishes and prayers.

sis5756 - Sory to hear your in so much pain. My wife is the WS so I have an inkling into your feelings and thoughts right now. My advice is get into marriage counselling and ASAP (together if possible).
Outing the affair, at best it may kill it off, but it will definitely make it very difficult for them to conduct it as easily causing some of the gloss to come off it. Once in the open it may also make your WH go into depression which is not unusual according to everything that I have read hear and from other resources. If you want to talk about anything (i.e. suggestions for outing the affair) please feel free to e-mail me at beetrayed@yahoo.com.
Some tips from my own findings and others advice;

1. Reading to help better understand what you are going to go through as a result of the A. (lot's of books and other material are available from this site.
2. Post as much as possible on this site as others here will help you with strategies and their own experiences.
3. Do Not Lose hope. Many have made their marriage work from far worse positions than yours(if that's what you desire).
4. Keep busy with exercise, outings etc. Do not sit at home with nothing to do, it nearly drove me around the bend till I snapped out of it..
5. Don't have a revenge affair, this won't help you!!!
6. Make sure you surround yourself with a good support group of friends that you can call on anytime you feel low or are alone. Make sure that they understand that it's MORE IMPORTANT FOR THEM TO LISTEN TO YOU rather than give you advice, which is what most people will do. Impartial advice is really an MC's job

<small>[ August 10, 2004, 10:21 PM: Message edited by: B-trayed ]</small>

Tell the husband - you would want to know, wouldn't you?

Affairs die when exposed - by keeping their secret, you are participating in their deceptin, and facilitating the affair.

Tell now.