I found out in May about the a. WH made all the appropriate claims of regret and promises to do beter. Found out yestereday that there is MUCH more to the relationship than he claimed in May. He hase continued to see her. They have kept a journal together detailing their encounters and how much they love one another. I found the journal yesterday. I did not tell him that I read it but I did confront him about the continuing relationship. He says that he loves me and our son and does not want a divorce--he is just so mixed up now. His main complaint about our marriage is that our sex life is not adventurous or exciting enough for him. I found out she has been in my house, in my bed. God, how do you get passed that. I know the books say the images will fade over time and that it is possible to recover from this but I don't see how. She is married and has two children. Should I tell her husband? To complicate things even more she works for my husband. I do not think WH even begins to comprehend the dangers that could come from this. I "outed" him last night to his family. I made him leave yesterday after we talked. I let him stay in May when I found out only the tip of the iceberg. I told him that this is not how I wanted our marriage to end and that I still love him but that I thought he needed to leave and sort himself out. I think I made a mistake by not making him leave in May. I think he needs to hit rock bottom and see how bad things could be for him. His family had an "intervention" with him last night. I do not know the results of this. I am devastated. It is not really a matter of forgivness but of forgetting and being able to move forward. He suggested we move. I know that this is Dr. Harley's recommedation too but I don't see how that really solves the problem. THe problem is within--he could pick up with someone else or if he wanted to, we still have family here, he could stay in contact with her and even see her if he really wanted to. What do I do?
I called the OW and left her a message to stay away from my husband. Maybe i shouldn't have done this but I felt like I needed to take a stand and let her know that I was not going to allow this anymore. My family and his are being very supportive but no one really understands the utter betrayal of this as they have not been through it. I know that there are many of you on this site that have survived and are surving this. Please help me.

Hi sis,

Welcome to MB!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> WH made all the appropriate claims of regret and promises to do beter. Found out yestereday that there is MUCH more to the relationship than he claimed in May. He hase continued to see her. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I found out about my w's first A... suspected a second one a year later but never confirmed it... Then she finally confessed several more A's during our first three years of M over 10 years later...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He says that he loves me and our son and does not want a divorce--he is just so mixed up now. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'd take this as a "good" thing... there are many WS that just want to leave the M. Doesn't take any of the pain or hurt away, but at least he's still willing to stay with you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I found out she has been in my house, in my bed. God, how do you get passed that. I know the books say the images will fade over time and that it is possible to recover from this but I don't see how. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">For me, I still see some of the "images", but they don't cause the intense pain that they did early on in our rebuilding process...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> She is married and has two children. Should I tell her husband? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'd definitely tell her H. My W's A's were all with single guys so there wasn't any OM's W to tell...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> My family and his are being very supportive but no one really understands the utter betrayal of this as they have not been through it. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Having your family for support is great, but keep your focus on you and your H. My in-laws didn't really know how to handle all of this and actually blamed ME for her actions... If your family is willing to support both of you, great. If not, then be very selective in what you tell them.

This is a great site, but it sure doesn't take the place of a professional pro-marriage marriage counselor... If you haven't gotten into counseling, I'd try to find one as quickly as possible. A good pro-M, MC will keep you and your H focused on rebuilding your M and keep you from making many 'mistakes' along the way.

Get a copy of Torn Asunder by Dave Carder. Our MC gave us this book and for me, it was written more in line with what I was feeling as a BS...

Hope this helps...

Semper Fi,
RIF90

Rebuilding,
Thanks for the response. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> THis is just so very hard. Inside I am screaming but outside I am trying to hold it together as best as I can for my son. It is especially difficult since I am not working right now (I am a teacher) and so have a lot of free time on my hands. We were supposed to have a huge family swim party this evening. Instead my WH and i will be talking about the A. What do I do? Should I tell him that I read the journal or keep that to myself? I hurt so bad. My four year old is home with me and I am struggling to try and act normally with him when all I want to do is be alone and mourn. WE have been married 10 years, together for 15. He is the only many I have ever been "with" but I certainly can't say the same for him. I don't want a divorce but how can I live in this house with him now? <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

((((sis))))

I'm so sorry that you are hurting so... My prayers are with you and your H and your M.

I know this must be especially hard with a 4 year old. My W is home alone with our three daughters (17, 9, 6) while I'm deployed for a year...

If you've already canceled the swim party and you and your H are going to have a "discussion"... do you have a babysitter for your son? Early on, my W and I would fight in front of our oldest daughter (she was 2 at the time)... not good for us, or our daughter...

It's important for YOU to be very honest with your feelings when you are discussing this with your H. Try to use "I feel..." statements rather than "How could YOU..." statements. It's OK to let him know that you are hurt/angry/let down/feel like a fool... just try to do so without accusing him as this will just cause him to become defensive.

Believe me, I DO understand your loss of "oneness" with your H... I had to grieve the loss of this with my W. It's so painful to know that someone else has shared what God intended for a husband and a wife...

You CAN work through this and rebuild your M into much more than you've ever dreamed of. It's going to take lots of hard work from BOTH of you, but the pain and hurt will pass as long as you are willing to work through all of the issues together...

Semper Fi,
RIF90

RIF90,
Swim party is cancelled. Son is going to MIL's this afternoon when she gets home from work. WH went to his mother's last night but from what she (mother) told me he gave them no more answers than he gave me. Just ordered Torn Asunder and Private Lies from Amazon. I am amassing quite an infidelity library. Stupid WS's (small rant there)as lives go I just don't see that he has it so tough. I am trying to work up some anger here to get myself to stop crying but all I feel is sad. Why wasn't I enough? <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Sis,
You've received some excellent advice so far. I would strongly encourage you to contact the OW's husband. Remember, your goal is not to hurt anyone or seek revenge, it's to expose the affair to any and everyone that could possibly make continuing the affair uncomfortable and more difficult. Your H and OW know that YOU know so they're having to skirt around you to continue their affair. If OWH knew too, they would have to sidestep both of you. Not impossible by any means, but it makes it more difficult to arrange meetings/phone calls/emails, etc. THAT IS THE GOAL OF EXPOSURE.

Your husband is saying he wants to stay married. He's even willing to move. These are good signs. I would insist on No Contact w/ OW from now on. I understand they work together. Do they have to work together? A lot of people here would tell you that one of them has to quit.

I would strongly encourage a really good marriage counselor. The Harley's are highly recommended.

I would also insist on access to all of your husband's cell phone bills, email accounts, credit card statements, etc. NO MORE SECRETS! This shouldn't be a problem if there's nothing to hide, huh?

Okay, I've given my 2 cents worth. You should probably move over to General Questions. There are lots of "veteran" members there and LOTS more traffic.

Keep it together. With the right professional help and willingness on both your parts, your marriage can heal and improve.

L&A

OW works for him. He had said in May that he thought she would transfer but this has not happened, probably since A has continued.
How do I tell OW's H? Do I call him--send him a letter? How about a package of the movie Unfaithful and copies of HNHN and STA with a note that says "You are going to need this?" Do you think that would get the point across. (My gallows humor is starting to kick in, maybe this is a good sign.)
We were actually in couseling during 6 months of the A (prior to D-Day). I feel a little gun shy about the process now since it seemed we were making progress but what he was really making was time with OW. So now what?

Sis,
Regarding exposure, there's no "one best" way to do it.

Worthatry's (WAT) General Guidelines for new Betrayed Spouses thread is pretty high up on the Just Found Out forum. Go there and read all that stuff. I think #9 discusses exposure and has a link to more exposure info.

Whatever you do, do NOT warn H or OW that you're even thinking about telling OWH. OW will just pre-warn her husband by saying "My bosses wife is jealous of every female in the office and routinely accuses her husband of having affairs. She's a little crazy, but everyone just ignores her."

If you haven't already done so, read up on Plan A and Plan B. You've thrown him out, but he needs to know what is expected of him if he wants to reconcile and repair the marriage. It sounds to me like you want to save your marriage.

Keep reading & posting.

L&A

Sis,
I don't have any answers, but I sure can relate to your question of "Why wasn't I enough?" I asked that time and time again. I felt like throwing-up! For me, part of it involved an old belief I held about myself from childhood that I "was never good enough". So, the affair triggered that old wound. We,too were in couples counseling for most of the time he was having the affair. What a waste of $$$$$$. But at least I knew I had done all I could. I hadn't found Marriage Builders at that time. The other thing our marital counselor talked about was that the affair wasn't necessarily about anything I lacked. She noted that my spouse had a history of sabotaging things when they started going well. Something about him not believing he was worthy of good things. This isn't necessarily in keeping with MB's beliefs.

If your WS is ever willing, Marriage Builders can help explore areas of need for both of you and how both of you can better meet those needs.

I am so sorry you are having to go through this pain. Take care of yourself and your little 4 year old!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Stupid WS's (small rant there)as lives go I just don't see that he has it so tough. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The pain that a BS has to endure after an A isn't fair. The lies that a BS hears over and over again aren't fair. Nothing about rebuilding your M is "fair"... I know that it took me a good year of MC and discussions with my W before I finally let go of the concept of "fairness". For me, it always seemed like I was getting the short end of the stick. I think that you'll find that once your H really understands how much he's hurt you, and changes his actions accordingly, that you'll stop worrying so much about fairness. Until then, try not to dwell on who's doing more work in rebuilding your M... as long as you BOTH are working towards the same goal, it will balance out in the end.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I am trying to work up some anger here to get myself to stop crying but all I feel is sad. Why wasn't I enough? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Feeling inadequate is very common for a BS...

Recognize your feelings, share them with your H in a non-threatening way, then let them go...

You were, and ARE enough for your H. Your H made choices and decisions and chose to have an A rather than work out his issues with you. Don't buy into the lie that you were lacking in a certain area and that's why he had the A... It was HIS choice.


Semper Fi,
RIF90

WS says he has ended A. He has talked to her and told her that I know and about effect on our family. He says that he wants to work on marriage. I am glad about this but also overwhelmed at all we must deal with, not only pre-existing issues between us but not all issues related to the A. His entire family knows. This adds another dynamic which makes things both better and more difficult. I am out of town right now. Gone to stay with my sister for a few days. It is good to have some distance and to not have to take care of anyone but me right now. WH and I had a good talk night before last, some was very painful but overall very productive. I am trying not to get my hopes up too much.

Hi sis,

Glad to see that he's taking steps to end it with the OW... That's a huge step for both of you!

Hopefully, he will be willing to start MC with you... perhaps he would even start posting here.

Try not to overwhelm yourself by looking too far ahead. For me, I tried this when we really started working on our M. Had a nice, neat, timeline all drawn out... I had everything planned.. My W was going to do everything that I had on my list and then we'd have a "great" M... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

But it sure didn't work out that way. I found that much of the work that needed to be done didn't involve my W at all... I was the one that needed to make some changes.

Try to take it one day at a time. You'll have good days, bad days, and days where you just want to give up...

Savor the good days...

Learn from the bad days...

...and NEVER give up!

Semper Fi,
RIF90