I started posting here last week, but just realized I should have been posting here, instead of the emotional needs threads. I don't know if any of you have read any of those up there, but my story so far is listed in the 2 posts.

help i'm scared

update: help I'm scared

I'm feeling so sick now, and dont feel like doing anything at all. I am sitting at work and can't keep my mind on work at all. I dont want to be here, and I'm afraid somebody might come in at anytime, and find me crying. Nobody here at work knows and I'm embarrassed to tell.

<small>[ August 02, 2004, 10:36 AM: Message edited by: sewsklov ]</small>

Hi Sewsklov,

Just finished reading your other posts...

I'm so sorry that you are hurting right now... I've been where you are and it's so painful.

I don't have alot of advice other than be careful what you share with your in-laws. My in-laws actually blamed me for my W's first A... Your W's parents will most likely be very protective of their daughter... if they are willing to help you, then by all means, use them. But if they discount your feelings or start to show signs of favoring your W's position, then you don't need that kind of help.

Read all of the articles here on the MB website and get a copy of Torn Asunder by Dave Carder... It's a great book for explaining many of the "feelings" that you are experiencing now.

The most important bit of advice I can pass on is to find a good pro-marriage marraige counselor... this is a great site and there are tons of people that have survived the aftermath of an A... but like me, all we can offer are our past experiences... You and your W will need professional counseling in order to keep you on the right path as you rebuild your M.

Hope this helps...

Semper Fi,
RIF90

My W called yesterday afternoon to let me know that OM came to her yesterday and said that I had called his W and they needed to stop being friends. My W was crying the whole time she was telling me. She said they both agreed that they needed to end their friendship. Then she tells me that she knows that I'm not going to believe her, but that she had to tell me one more time, that she promises that her and OM were nothing more than friends. She asked if I had caused enough damage yet, or if I was gonna call anybody else. I said no I wasnt planning on calling anyone else. She was very upset and mentioned her parents thinking that she was cheating on me now thanks to me. She also asked if I had talked to them again. I told her no, that I hadnt because she asked me not to call them again. I told her I was glad she called and told me all this. She let me know where she was staying, wished me luck on my test I had to go take, and said that she would call me later.

I really want to believe her about them being just friends, and wanted to believe that all along, but the tone of the OM voice and the "I love you & I miss you sweet baby" in the messages won't allow me to believe that. I am finding myself trying to think of ways that it could have been just friends, just because thats what I want to believe.

So now that whatever they had is ending, I am waiting to see if her feelings change about our relationship, and whether she is willing to do any work to try and rebuild anything. BTW I talked to a guy that I know that works at the same place as her, and he is keeping an eye out for me, so we'll see if she really stops talking to him.

I'm glad that you called the OM's wife... this will help bring their A to the light of day. Whether it was just a "friendship" as your W says, or if there was more, they now have to to deal with both of their spouses knowing. It also sounds like your in-laws had a good talk with your W as well... Be prepared for them to just be "more careful" in the future... If your W is serious about working with you, then see if she's willing to send him a No Contact letter... From what you've described in your post, I wouldn't bet on it...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Then she tells me that she knows that I'm not going to believe her, but that she had to tell me one more time, that she promises that her and OM were nothing more than friends. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I confronted my W and one other guy that I suspected, and they both lied right to my face... when two people are caught up in an A, they will do whatever it takes to "protect" their "special love" for each other, even lying to their own spouse... Trust your own gut instincts on this...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> She asked if I had caused enough damage yet, or if I was gonna call anybody else. I said no I wasnt planning on calling anyone else. She was very upset and mentioned her parents thinking that she was cheating on me now thanks to me. She also asked if I had talked to them again. I told her no, that I hadnt because she asked me not to call them again. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">WARNING, WARNING, this would be a HUGE red flag for me... If her actions were so "Honorable", then why is she so upset about her parents knowing? Why is she accusing YOU of calling others and "tarnishing" her reputation?... My W said almost the exact same things after I learned of her first A... The best advice that I can pass on to you right now, is to trust your own gut instincts. If her ACTIONS are trustworthy to you, then you should trust her... if they aren't, then don't give her your trust.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> ...I am finding myself trying to think of ways that it could have been just friends, just because thats what I want to believe. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">From what you've told us, your W was/is behaving in an untrustworthy manner... so why are you willing to trust her? I too wanted to believe that my W would never hurt me like she did... I lived that lie for over 10 years, but deep down, I always knew something just wasn't right. Burying you feelings and blindly believing what you know to be false will NOT heal your M...

Read what you've written to us here... your W is blaming you for ruining her relationship with her "friend" and with her parents... and then has the gall to ask if you've called anyone else to further slander her "good name".... Your W is definitely trying to protect herself at your expense. Don't fall for it... trust your own gut instincts!

It's going to be almost impossible for you and your W to start rebuilding your M as long as she works with the OM... Now that his W knows, and her parents know, they will just be more careful. Your W has to have absolutely NO CONTACT with the OM before you can even start thinking about working on your M.

I hate to be so negative, but I've heard almost the exact words that you've told us that your W is saying... trust your gut instincts, they're usually right on target...

Semper Fi,
RIF90

Well, I don't believe they have stopped anything, so I went by her work around lunchtime, and sure enough saw her leaving with a guy. I let her know I saw her, and asked who it was and she claimed it was somebody else, and not the OM. I don't believe it, and think she said that so I won't call OMW again. I can't trust her, and find myself wanting to call and ask they guy she claimed it was, if her went to lunch with her. I don't know if I should or not though. I had alot of trouble sleeping, and made myself sick laying in the bed thinking about if it was the OM or not.

Should I call theu guy and see if she was telling the truth? and what about revealing stuff where she works? I wouldnt know how to go about doing it, and am kinda afraid, that that might ruin any chances of her coming back to me ever.

I have an appointment with a counselor today. I hope that he is supportive of me wanting to rebuild, and doesnt try to get me to let go of our relationship.

<small>[ August 05, 2004, 07:40 AM: Message edited by: sewsklov ]</small>

You need to expose the affair. No one wants to do it. But it is necessary.

Also try posting on general questions. Lots of men there right now are going thru the same thing.

Hang in there, it is miserable at first, but does get much better.

So do you think I should try to expose it where she works somehow? any ideas as to how to

As a FWW I know exposure ends affairs, Even the threat can do so sometimes.

I'd have to say your suspicions sound spot on to me. Sounds a bit like me back then.
Logically if they were ONLY friends she would not have been so angry at confrontation nor would she have left the house IMHO. Well not unless that is what she does when you argue/ disagree. I mean why would she react so drasticly if they were 'only' friends???

You mention you saw her go to lunch with a guy.
You have a contact there so firstly contact him and describe the guy you saw with your WW, If it is the OM, contact his wife to let her know he was going out to lunch again with your WW. It may also be a good opportunity to find out what his wife knows. Think of her as an ally. (But also be aware she may go into denial.)

Also use your contact to find out what your WW workplace is like on this behaviour, depends on type of business etc. In any event, regardless I would write to the CEO or if its a publicly listed company the chairperson. They would probably not like publicity about this. ( I'm sure I dont need to say not to mention your contact just leave him out of it.)

Again be aware your WW will be angry, especially if she looses her job. Dont be surprised if you are blamed for wrecking her life etc etc etc...we like blaming everyone but ourselves when we are in this fog.

Like me, I think realtity has to hit your wife like a runaway truck before she will face herself.

Her talk is typical of most cheating wives, she is not having an affair, she loves you, you will never believe whatever I tell you, we are only friends, I cant see us fixing this, etc etc etc..........if you look on this site you will find these and similar comments time and time again. I'm afraid we dont talk sense at this time so dont expect or take at face value to much of what she says, that goes for the positive stuff too.

If you dont expect to much you wont be disappointed.
Listen to RIF and believer and other experienced people, they have been throu a lot and know an awful lot.

I wish you the best and hope you & your wife can recover.

I came home from picking up my dog yesterday to find my W there at the house. I know hadnt been inside yet, (because I started locking a lock she doesnt have a key to) but she was sitting in her car, and got out when I pulled up.
I got out of my truck and looked at her, and She said she was coming by to pick up her mail. I continued with getting the dog out of the truck, and walked around to the back door, went throught the house opened the front and handed her her mail. She didnt really have anything to say, but asked if I was off work. I told her I woke up sick, so I called in to work, and that was about it. She stood there like she didnt know what to say, but it seemed like she wanted to say something. She just ended up saying that she'd talk to me later. I said ok, and she left.

Just seeing her again, makes me want to call her and try to talk to her really bad, but I know I dont need to chase her right now. I really don't like the waiting around, and not knowing what she is thinking or gonna decide, or if she'll come home.
I don't know how long I should give her, but at some point I'm gonna need her to make a decision, and I think that if I don't demand it, then she'll put it off as long as possible.
I also dont know if I should wait around incase things between her and the OM really end and maybe her thoughts will change.

Still hopeful.
I started counseling Thursday, and went again on Monday. I think it's helping me think a little straighter.
I also bought a couple more books to read :
How to save your marriage alone by Ed Wheat MD
and
Love Must Be Tough by Dr. James Dobson

<small>[ August 10, 2004, 06:54 PM: Message edited by: sewsklov ]</small>

click the link in my signature line.

One of my best friends called me today and said that he ran into my W at lunch today, and that she was with someone else. So, I called my inside connection where she works, and he confirmed that my W and OM went somewhere together. So, I just got off the phone with OMW letting her know, and she said she'd check into it. She sounded really mad this time I talked to her.

I'm talking to some people about getting some video or photos of them together, just incase I need them later. I wonder if she'll ever come back from this insanity that she has found.

I'm still debating on calling CEO or HR department where they work to see what they say about any policies, or anything help that they might provide, whether it is transferring one of them, or firing one.

Oh my goodness, I'm really riled up right now. The OM just called me, and told me to stop calling his W and making up lies. He said that if I call again he's gonna file a restraining order. He denied anything but friends, and completely denies going to lunch with my W today.

I asked if his wife wanted me to stop, or just him. He said, I think she does. So I told him I wanteds to hear that from her. So she called back and said she has no reason to believe me, and I need to stop trying to cause problems for other people, and wants me to find out what he was wearing. My friend had a vague description of the OM, but the guy that works with them told me they left together at lunch. I don't know what to say without revealing the guy that works with them, he's been real helpful, and I don't want to drag him into it, plus he told me today that he is on vacation the rest of the week, so I cant get any more info from him this week

<small>[ August 16, 2004, 07:06 PM: Message edited by: sewsklov ]</small>

Sew,

Dont' let it phase you. He can get a restraining order for just about anything, but I think it is time to disclose to the office once your friend is back. If they are leaving for lunch, that is NOT a crime, but you know it is hurting your marriage.

Frankly, until she stops working there and there is no contact this is going to go on. His W wants to beleive him, but eventually she will find out the truth or your W will be his mistress for a long time after she is NOT your W.

Hang in there and if you have done a good plan A, it may be time to go dark in plan B. It will protect you in several ways including NOT knowing what they are up to. As you can see as long as the A is going on they are both going to lie and they are NOT going to respond to anything you do.

PLease think about this.

God Bless,

JL

I have been in plan B somewhat due to her leaving, and havent been talking to my W. I'm losing my hope, and I don't know what to do now, and have been wodering if there is even a chance at anything ever being rebuilt from this. I know it hasnt ended, but my W isn't here, and OMW isn't any help now. I know my W's friend that she is staying with won't be any help, and last time I talked with my W's parents they don't want to believe that she could do that, so they are no help.

I had been doing better about realizing that things might never get better, and was doing better about not talking to my W, but after the events today, I'm back to the sick/nervous/scared/sad feeling, and not knowing.

I about feel that letting it be known in some way where she works won't even help now. It'll be denied again, and I'll be made to look like a trouble maker.

I'm really losing it tonight!
I know this isn't the prayer thread, but they would be appreciated tonight.

Mr. S,
What do now? Nothing! Except to re-build your life on your own and stay DARK! That is, no contact. Sitting and waiting for her is a short cut to insanity. As hard as it may seem, you have to stop obsessing over your marriage and WW and finding ways to make your own life better. As for your WW, the more independent you become, the more positive changes in your life that you make, the more she will notice. And don’t worry! She will find out and she will know. You don’t have to carry a sign around saying, “look at me!” as her life begins to assume the reality that it must, she will slowly begin to wonder what ever made her give it all up for what she is experiencing at the moment. This hard but with a little time and effort on your part it can be made easier.
Coach

Sew,
I just read your thread and know how you feel. I've been there.

You said...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I really want to believe her about them being just friends, and wanted to believe that all along, but the tone of the OM voice and the "I love you & I miss you sweet baby" in the messages won't allow me to believe that. I am finding myself trying to think of ways that it could have been just friends, just because thats what I want to believe. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I could have written these words. I first discovered my W's relationship 30 months ago. She lied and lied and lied. Finally she ended the relationship. I ruined her friendship. I had voice recorded a telephone conversation that told me what I needed to know. The info I heard in this call told me of a EA but not a PA.

There was however a voice mail that I heard that he had left for her. His tone was filled with love. He said he was dying to see her. Really missed her. He sounded as though he wasin love.

My W never admitted a PA. For the next 18 months I thought we were in recovery. That tone in his voice mail haunted me. I kept thinking of my theory "Men don't fall in love until they ahve sex and conversely women don't have sex until they fall in love."

I knew but I didn't. I stewed on it. I occassionally asked her if she had told me "all" of the truth.

All along she treated me as though I was insane.

Finally she told me that I wasn't crazy all of my logic and reasoning was correct she had scr@^^ed him.

Before I knew the truth I thought I was on the "rollercoaster", well I hadn't seen nothing yet. The rollercoaster went into warp speed.

It's been almost a year since DDay2 and the rollercoaster is just slowing down enough to the point where I don't feel like throwing up my cotton candy.

I hope that my situation isn't remotely close to yours.

I wish you well on your journey.

Mac

I hope

Sew,
I forgot to ask if you ever went to a doctor for your depression?

I was like you after DDay1 & DDay2. I'd sit in my office at work and reviewed the events of my life. I finally got with a good IC who works with a psych who specializes in pharmacology.

Previously I had gone to my GP. They tried but they really aren't experts on depression. They ahd put me on too low of dosage for too short of time. Actually made things worse.

Mac

I have been going to counseling weekly, and I decided against taking any AD. My counselor was very supportive of this decision, and thinks I am doing very good without.

I have tried contacting my W on several occasions mainly concerning her mail, but have made no contact, and she hasn't returned any calls or messages. So, I am just back to trying to worry about everything elses going on, and doing as much as possible to keep my mind occupied. I go to school nights, and classes start back tonight. I am gonna go 4 nights a week this semester, and it's gonna be a big help with keeping me out of the empty house, and my mind busy

I am now posting more in the Divorce threads due to a letter I recieved from my W stating that she is gonna speak with an attorney this week.