Hi there. I have been lurking off and on here for the past couple of years. This is my first post. I really need some advice. I have been married for nearly 4 years. My husband's attitude towards me completely changed as soon as we were married. He become emotionally distant almost overnight and has stayed that way for the duration of our marriage. I have felt completely neglected and lonely compounded by the fact that I left my own country to be with him in Japan. So there are a minefield of crosscultural issues too.
He travels overseas on average a couple of weekends a month and also puts in long hours at his job. His trips away are tours where he performs at nightclubs (he is in the music industry) and is thus out at parties til late in the morning surrounded by young single women who think he is really 'cool'.
He is constantly surrounded by temptation but I put my trust in him as I believed that even though we had problems, he was morally strong in character. Now I think I have been in denial. He has been displaying many of the classic warning signs of infidelity: extremely irritable and easily angered over trivial things, not affectionate, emotionally distant, constantly says he needs more space, unreachable by phone while away overseas (does not give me his hotel details, has a cellphone which is either turned off or not answered), brings home many gifts for me after being away (guilt?), suddenly paying more attention to appearance, new clothes, underwear and cologne, semen stains in underwear, no sex, keeps insisting I take a holiday overseas (without him) as he feels guilty that he gets to travel alot.... the list goes on. Anyway, I did some snooping a couple of days ago and came across a photo of him with another woman at an event he recently played at overseas. He has his arm around her with an excited expression - she has huge fake breasts and is wearing a seethrough dress.I confronted him with it and the first thing out of his mouth was OK, lets get a divorce. He suggests this whenever we have an argument. Then he said it was just a woman he met that night at his gig and he had only talked to her briefly. After alot of pressing he admitted that it was a woman who he met at the same place two years earlier and that he had contacted her via email and invited her to the party. I had actually read an email from her back then and had confronted him about it - he swore she was just a friend but he would not contact her again - that was two years ago. After more pressing, he admitted to sleeping with her while on his last trip. On his return he was completely cold towards me and it seemed like he couldn't bear to be around me at all. Then he was extremely angry over small things, and then he suddenly become attentive, kind and interested in sex.
Now he has changed his story and is adamant that nothing happened, and that he only said that he slept with her because he wants the marriage to be over... Its crazy but even with all the signs there I'm wondering if he is telling the truth (not that its a better scenario!) Its really messing with my head - I just want to know the truth - and now I suspect there have probably been other women in other countries he's visited. Any input greatly appreciated!!
