My husband and I have been married just over 2 years but we have been friends for 18 years. This is the second marriage for both of us.

During his previous marriage, he was unfaithful and I witnessed it a few times, so that is always in the back of my mind. However, he does tell me he would never do that to me because he is truly in love with me and he is much older now. He has been divorced from his first wife for over 10 years.

He tends to travel at least once per month with his job. A couple of weeks ago he went out of town for work. He was moving an office and had told me that he would be working very late on Friday evening. He wanted me to come to the city where he was for the weekend, but said since he would be working late that Friday evening, I should come on Saturday. That Friday evening, he called me around 6:30 on my cell phone when I was out to dinner with my daughter. He stated how tired he was and that he and the guys were going to go down the street for dinner and would call me as soon as he got back. I had told him that our finances were very tight and asked him not to use the debit card but use his corporate card instead and he agreed.

He never called and finally about midnight, (1:00 a.m. where he was), I called his hotel and he was not there. He did not call me until 1:00 my time and 2:00 a.m. his time and he was very drunk. He had told me that he is a grown man and will do what he wants and that I treat him like a child. (It was not a pretty conversation). He had told me he didn't go out to dinner until very late and he went to a place called Shooters located in downtown Cleveland and not a nightclub. (Please keep in mind that he has a cell phone but he had it turned off). I did not know if he was hurt and was very worried with it being so late. He ended up hanging the phone up on me and that is when I thought I would not go there on Saturday.

He called Saturday morning and said the only thing he did wrong was the fact he didn't call me. He said he was sorry and I ended up driving up to see him. I stopped by the bank on my way and after I withdrew money, I saw I had a negative balance and should not have. I asked him if he withdrew money and he said he did. He said he was sitting in the restaurant and he used his corporate card, but it was rejected. He then said he left and walked to an ATM machine to withdraw money, so the guys he was with didn't have to wait for him. This made no sense to me. If I had a credit card rejected, then I would just hand them my debit card. When I asked him about that, I just kept hearing different stories.

A few days later, I was balancing my checkbook and I saw an ATM withdrawal. It told me the name of where the ATM was and the address. It was a place called KAOS, so I pulled it up on the web. Come to find out, it is a hot singles nightclub. I called my bank to see what time the withdrawal was done and it was done at 7:50. (Just a half hour after he had originally called me). Remember, he said he didn't go out until 9:30-10:00 and that is why it was so late when he got back. I printed off a copy of the nightclub and handed it to him. I asked him what it was and he totally blew up and then proceeded to tell me a different story. He said they got lost and he stopped there to use the ATM. I don't know about you guys but I would be looking for a bank ATM and not looking for an ATM in a nightclub. (And keep in mind, he told me his corporate card was declined at Shooters and that is why he needed to use the ATM). When I got home from work that day, he was in bed asleep avoiding me.

So as you can see, he has lied to me several times and still has not told me the truth and I have given him every opportunity. I have heard several different stories, all of which are lies.

How can I ever trust my husband again? Does anyone have any advice. I find that I am having trouble believing anything he tells me. I also feel that if he would lie about this, he will lie about anything. He says he is sorry and he will make me trust him again, but I'm really having trouble since he just won't admit he was caught.

Please help!!!!

Thank you all so much!

Personally, I've not had to deal with my husband lying to me very often, and when he has lied, he's so transparent that I can't even be mad at him for lying, its almost comical. But anyway, I'd first ask yourself the following questions: Whys does he feel the need to lie to you? Obviously he's doing something that he knows you would not want him to do, and he wants to avoid the consequences; but would the consequences of him telling the truth be worse than what he has now? Is there any reason for him to believe that they would? Also, why is he doing things that he knows you dont want him to do? Might he somehow percieve that he owes it to himself as payback for something you've done? (I'm not trying to blame you,but I know that when I have a problem with my husband, I usually find the source of the problem in my own behavior) Does he resent you for some reason? Why does he not care that he's hurt you? That's what you have to find out, whether it is his problem or yours. I cheated on my husband over a year ago. The reason was that at the time, my desire to do what I did, outweighted my desire to protect my husband from harm. The reasons that imbalance occured was a long string of things that we both did that ignored each other's feelings and interests. We were both inconsiderate and selfish and it almost destryed our relationship. There has to be a reason that he felt entitled to do what he wanted regardless of how it made you feel. Maybe you've both been picking at each other like my husband and I did for several years, slowly wearing down the love, or maybe it was one event. For instance, (and this is just an example cuz I know nothing about you) say you wanted a baby, and you purposely got pregnant even though he said many times that he did not want children, and now he's strapped to this kid he never wanted and it absorbed his life, and now he's never going to finish that novel he always wanted to write. That would probably be enough for most people throw their concern for the offending spouse to the wind, sort of in retaliation. Or it could be his own fault. Maybe he just thinks you've done somethign to him, or that "he's the man" and should be able to do whatever he wants. Since he's cheated before, it could be very likely that he's got some notion in his head that you can have an imbalanced marriage like that today - that you can have marriage without partnership, that his needs come first always. I'd say its also likely that he doesn't know the reasons. I didn't understand it for a long time when I did it. But this site helped immensly. I suggest you peruse it, and if you can talk him into it, your husband too.

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I have to say I understand what you are going through. The sad situation is that the cheating spouse does not want to deal with any concequences from you of the other woman. It is hard to digest but after some time it eventually sinks in.

The fact that he used your atm card knowing that you balance the checkbook tells me he wanted you to find out. I don't really understand that too well myself yet, but they don't want to tell us, they want us to discover it on our own to get rid of having to do it themselves. Cowards.

In my case, my husband met a woman on a commuter bus and had an "emotional affair" with her. That hurts. I think I would prefer them renting hotel rooms without emotional attachment. Anyway, I was able to figure out the code to his cell phone and listen to his messages daily. I knew he had friends, and that was never an issue between us, but the one day I heard this "friend" tell my husband how she fell in love with him and continued to insult his relationship with me. That did it. When I confronted him, he was more than happy to spill his guts. I don't know why they do that but I would love to find out.

This message board is very helpful. I know it seems there is no light at the end of the tunnel, but you will survive this. Just sing the song. It gives me strength when I need it.

Good luck to you.

<small>[ August 04, 2004, 06:35 PM: Message edited by: pumkins ]</small>