I just found out yesterday afternoon that my husband cheated on me. I was blindsided. He told me that he had gotten a babysitter and we were going to go off. We have done that in the past to have a little piece and quiet from our two little ones (two girls - 1 and 4). I told him on the way that it would be so much fun. He said that it would not be fun. I didn't understand at all. I told him that it would even if we were just going over our MB questionnaires. All the way up until we were in the motel room, I truly thought he wanted to really just talk about what our answers were. He had written me a letter. It said that he had sex with a lady in Las Vegas a year ago. He had also had other "sexual experiences" in a couple of swinging situations. I was so naive. He claims that I neglected his emotional needs and that basically he started out only intending to "dabble" in it. Of course, I had to ask all the gory details. Painful...every time I even thinking about getting close, I picture him having sex with some woman in Vegas. How could I have not seen all of this. He has not done anything wayward for a year, but WHO have I been living with? I am determined to make this marriage work. How do I get over the pain of being disrespected, deceived, and disillusioned? Please help.

DH,

Get a copy of Torn Asunder by Dave Carder... This book will explain many of the feelings that you are having right now...

Semper Fi,
RIF90

Thanks RIF. I just looked that book up in Amazon. I have the feeling that I"ll be doing lots of reading on this subject...unfortunately. I woke up crying yesterday and I went to bed crying last night. I go from walking around kind of shell-shocked to blubbeing like an idiot.

Well, distressed, as my 9-year-old son said to my 7-year-old daughter when her tiny tree frog disappeared, "go ahead and cry".

You've had a terrible experience, and though the event was a year ago, it's new to you, and the betrayel and its effects are fresh. It's really a good thing that nothing has happened for that year, and it's also good that your husband confessed, seemingly of his own free will. You have a foundation to build on. But you also have grief to get out of the way.

Now would be a great time to see a counsellor, whether marriage or individual. Just being able to talk about how you feel in a safe environment will be good for your progress. I would caution you, however, to avoid telling friends, unless they are extremely fair, loving and non-judgemental. The fewer who know right now, the easier to progress later (IMHO).

You will eventually stop seeing the sex video in your head (not too long) and, depending on your husband's behavior, you can build a stronger marriage. Trust, however...

I'm a year from d-day now, and healing is going very well. Read all you can. The book by Harley is also very good, and then you can start to look at communication and relationship building.

Stay strong. Cry when you need to. Come here for support. And talk as much as possible. Good luck to you, and a hug for the pain...