My husaband revealed to me that he had affair and claims it was just oral sex. It was with a close friend of mine and says he never touched her that she came on to him. He says it happened twice and then he revealed it to me by saying she had feelings for him. The person he had the affair with is also married and had an affair before and her husband found out. They divorced and then re-married later. I never held anything against her for her past, but now I feel betrayed and humiliated. My husband says he has no feelings for her that it happened because of the lacks in our marriage and in a moment of weakness. Which I don't believe, I think you are weak once but twice you are looking for it. Anyways we are trying to work it out but I'm the type of person that needs closure, so I need all the details. He doesn't want to reveal them to me because he thinks they will hurt me more and that I'm better off not knowing. He is seeking counseling, but I am not ready yet, I am still processing everything. The person he committed the act with knows that he revealed the affair, but doesn't know that I know it was her. She continues to try to be my friend by saying things that she cares for me and our frienship. I have chosen not to reveal this so that her husband doesn't find out and she can keep her well being and security. She claims to be emotionally unstable and sucidal and I can't bear to go through this publicly. I feel I fight everything inside of me to try to continue being around her but in a weird way enjoy the company that her and husband had to offer. What should I do? Should I pursue my husband to give me all the details so I can try to move-on from this. Should I confront her and let her know that I know it was her? Maybe this will also help me give it closure. What happened to the feelings she claimed to have? It's all so recent and I have no-one to talk to some advice would help!

Hi KPO,

IMHO, your H's actions with the OW are infidelity, regardless of whether he 'initiated' it or not... He had the choice to walk away and didn't.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I have chosen not to reveal this so that her husband doesn't find out and she can keep her well being and security. She claims to be emotionally unstable and sucidal and I can't bear to go through this publicly. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Her H's reaction to her actions are NOT your concern. I recommend telling her H... He deserves to know the truth. Her emotional instability and suicidal thoughts are not your concern either... Your M is your main concern, and IMHO, you need to do everything possible to save it.

Telling the OW's H will expose the A and hopefully will bring it to an end.

I strongly recommend that you and your H find a good pro-marriage marriage counselor and start going MC together. This is a great site, but it doesn't take the place of professional MC.

Semper Fi,
RIF90

I just found out two days ago that my husband had oral sex with two different people two different times. I'm with RIF, you don't have to spare "her" feelings. I found out that my husband had intercourse with someone else also. I NEEDED to know all the details, painful as they are. He has spared nothing.
I can't tell you whether or not to confront the OW. I don't think I could continue to be friends. My husband did these things with strangers. All I can say is hang in there. You're definitely no by yourself.

Tell

KPO,

Question? If you performed oral sex on some other man or some other man performed oral sex on you, would your husband consider it cheating?

If he would, then he is cheating or applying a double standard to you.

To me, any inappropriate touch is cheating, this includes kissing, groping, oral sex, and any other kind of sex, clothed or unclothed.

You need to tell!

KPO:

In answer to your initial question.....Hell YES!

Do NOT let him convince you that it is somehow "different" or OK.

(I take it your last name is not "Clinton")?

The only way its OK, is if he/you feel that it is
also OK for you to both give and receive ORAL from whomever YOU happen to be attracted to. (OR whomever gives you attention and asks).

Otherwise it is infidelity plain and simple.
This wasn't even a hard one.

Another easy one:
If he is REALLY wanting to help you with healing and getting over this....HE will answer any and all questions put to him.

Anything less ( no matter what the Reason or excuse) Proves to you that NO you are not the most important thing to him and your life and feelings are not his top priority.

Not answering your questions shows that his feelings and needs are STILL taking precedent OVER yours.

Think long and hard before excepting a "lower" status like this in your marriage.

Cause once its established.......he will do his best to keep you there. (and why not...he gets to have his Fun ... with NO consequences).
Other then maybe a few tears and arguments. (He's already shown he's willing to put up with that to get some "extra" on the side.)

Make your stand NOW! Or don't complain later.
(I'm getting a bit tooo blunt...think its off to bed).

KPO,

I agree with everyone, YES, OF COURSE ITS INFIDELITY!

I also think you should confront the friend and ask her what is/was she thinking and what kind of friend does she want to be?

Maybe not telling her H yet. Keep that in your quiver.
k

KPO,

Some friend, huh?

Why are you & hubby protecting her from knowing that YOU know she's been "servicing" your man?

Yes, it is adultery and two spouses have been betrayed. No ifs, ands, or buts. Not even an inch of wiggle room. Heck, if it is not infidelity, then why didn't the two of them share their little dirty secret with you and OW's husband? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />


If you need the details, then he has to provide them or recovery grinds to a halt before it gets started.

Caution: Often when the WS doesn't want to give details it is NOT because they want to spare the BS extra pain. It is usually because they are embarrassed to admit to things like having sex in a car in a back alley or because it is much more involved than "just oral sex."

It's all in the details for some people. You are one of those people. No matter what cost to him, he has to tell you everything you want to know. It will be painful. Disgusting. Revolting. But some of us (myself included) needed every gory detail in order to heal.

As for your friend, make her an EX-Friend, tell her husband, and drop her from your Christmas card list.

Read everything on this site about Plan A and get cracking. You've got work ahead of you.

~ Snow

<small>[ August 10, 2004, 05:12 PM: Message edited by: Snowbelle ]</small>

kpo - I think that "boobyprize" hit the nail onthe head. It was / is cheating. Next time the subject comes up, and your husband tries to wave it off, you should consider asking your H if some one performed oral sex on you would he find this acceptable. My guess is that he would not dismiss it so lightly as I certainly would be angry about it.
As for counselling, I would recommend that you initially attend on your own if you don't want to go with your H. None the less, get in there for yourself. It's amazing what a good MC can do to help you move forward.
As for your so called "friend", you alone should decide if you tell her what you know. Maybe you should ask yourself what you "really" hope to achieve by telling her? You also need to consider if things are likely to turn violent as that doesn't benefit anyone. I know I probably would tell, but that is my style and not necessarily yours. Your "friend" should definitely be at the top of your ex-friend list and irrespective of how much you enjoyed the company, never see them again.
As for telling your "friends" husband, again that is your choice, but overwhelmingly people on this site have advised me that it is a the thing to do (not out of spite though!!). I hope this helps. Keep posting..

(((kpo)))

Two things:

First: I am so sorry that you have this double betrayal to deal with. I truly don't know how you can maintain this 'I don't know who it is' with the former friend. I hope that you and your H will begin the journey of recovery by reading, talking and creating a safe place for you both. But don't ever buy into it not being infidelity....sounds like a certain president <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> .

Second: I know it is all too overwhelming right now, but I hope that you could try to put yourself in the position of her H. Wouldn't you want to know that a boundary has been broken AGAIN. For many, myself included, a dealbreaker would be another A (whether just kissing, a ONS, or an EA) Doesn't he have the right to know, to choose?

You are isolating yourself by holding this all in. This may delay healing (it did me) and create a whole other can of worms. Please start to take care of YOU, then your M.

Peace and strength,

AGrace