Three months ago my wife and I were in New Orleans. At the hotel room one night, we both were a little drunk, my wife confessed to me that she "liked" someone else. This someone is not someone I know, he lives very far away from us. They communicate by cell phone, email and text messaging. All this was a shock to me, i thought things were going great maybe even better than ever. i was blind. this happened in may.
i had started graduate school the september before. it was a big change. i was now in school or at work most days and nights. even when i was at home i wasn't "here". my wife got upset a number of times, the feelings being that she thought i was going on to a successful life and leaving her in the dust. i failed to recognize how emotionally distraught she was and now that has bit us in the [censored].
after the drama in may, in new orleans, we thought we would get over this. i asked her to stop communicating with the guy as she was emotionally attached to him and she had to let us get back on equal ground. we thought that would work. after a couple months she was away on business, in the town where this guy lives. she saw him, in the company of other friends of mine and hers. nothing happened but i think it confirmed for her the attachment she had. needless to say when she got back we hit rock bottom, this was a few weeks ago. now she is confused, says she doesn't know what she wants, says she wants to go away and that she needs space. we have made an appointment to see a MC, something we should have done a long time ago. Divorce and separation, we both agree, is out of the question. she had promised me she would stop talking to this guy but she can't seem to do it. after only 3 days of not talking to him, she talked to him again. she told me "i can't grieve someone who is not dead." i know i can never understand how hard it is for her to stop this, but she knows she has to and just doesn't want me to force her to. She’s addicted and I want to help.
i tell her that i am always here for her, even when she is upset about getting over this guy. we have talked, but mostly it is me talking, and she talks some. we are having trouble with that. i am trying to be patient but it is hard when at the same time i am angry over this getting so messy. i tell her we should have a fair and equal chance to confront our issues and that in the end it will be the best for both of us. the MC should help, i've bought books that only i read (she skims very little). i take her wanting to run away more as a cry for help than actually wanting to run. i think she wants to talk to me, and when she has it helps, but still this is all hard. i tell her no matter what i am here, i just need to know she isn't going anywhere. she says she's not. We are very close, have always been best friends, but over the past year we tuned each other out a little too much. Now we are in this mess. We have been married 4 years, together for 8. I am trying to consol her and tell her that this is hard but we can make it through. I know she is committed but that doesn’t make it easier. We have been spending more time together, which I think it helping her understand.
The main issue I would like an opinion on is, does she need to stop talking to this guy? All signs point to yes, but she can’t seem to do it. I feel it is only making her more confused and more scared to talk to me about our issues. I’m not sure she can see that. All I want is for us to work things out. I know I push for some instant resolution as fair as this emotional affair she’s had, she tells me she’ll take care of it. But after twice failing to take care of it things seem to only be getting worse.
Thanks for any and all help and opinion!
