How will I ever forgive him??? I can't hardly look him in the eyes. I love him one minute, and the next minute I think, "how could he have done this?"

I found out this past Saturday (during what I was supposed to be a romantic trip) that my husband had several one night stands. Where do I go from here? I feel like I've lost my best friend. He's remoseful and is determined to make this work. I just have mixed emotions.

distressedhubby's wife

DH's Wife,

Hello - I'm also a BS (betrayed spouse) and I just wanted to reach out to you and say welcome. I am so sorry that you are here, but you will get a great amount of support and advice. I'm somewhat new, so I don't give a lot of advice, but I wanted to mention a few things that may help you.

Everything you are feeling - the mixed emotions, the pain, the sense of deep loss, the confusion - it's all normal for someone in your situation. You have just learned some terrible news, and you have so much to think about, but try to take it one step at a time. Don't make any decisions or come to any conclusions yet. You can get to a point where you forgive him, you trust him again, and your marriage is stronger than ever, and the things you learn here will help you & your H do that together.

I read on another post that you ordered some books - that's a great place to start. There are also articles on this website that you can print and read, but you don't have to do it all at tomorrow. There are also some great recovery stories about how things can get better and how people are so glad they went through recovery instead of giving up. I'll try to find one, or maybe an experienced MBer can point the way. Keep in mind that you don't have to read everything today, so let's get back to you...

I understand the pain you are feeling and I wish I could take it away. It was one of the most painful experiences of my life (and I've had more than my fair share, honestly). Is there anything that would give you some comfort right now? I cried with my friend for hours, I hugged my big dog for hours, I watched action flicks, my friend rubbed my back until I feel asleep - whatever it is that might help you to feel just a little better right now.

I'm also happy to try to answer any questions you have (although I'm no expert). Take care and please keep posting so that we know how you're doing. You are not alone. Things will get better.

C

Cutenothot, thanks for your reply. It helps so much to hear someone validate that it's okay to feel the way I'm feeling.
This may be graphic, but I told my H that one of the things that I am the maddest about is that he didn't use any protection when he had intercourse with this other woman. I could have caught something from them. There are no signs of that so far, but still...I worry and I get mad all over again, because I didn't have the chance to even defend myself.
It's just so weird to be saying all these things. I must have been living in such a fantasy world. I know this sounds stupid, but I never dreamed this could be happening to us.
The first two days were by far the roughest. He's going to have to work at getting my trust back. We've purchased the MB course so that we can do it together. It's either that, or counseling.
Thanks again!

This really won't help, but the overwhelming majority of people in affairs do not use protection. Affairs are partly about letting your short-term feelings rule your brain.

I have compiled what I think are the best and most focused resources on affair recovery in my signature line link. Please click below and read.

DHW,
Hello I’m Oz. I don’t come to the boards much anymore I just stop in every now and then to check on old friends. While there was a time I lived here it is now like returning to the scene of a tragic accident for me. It pulls at an old knot in my stomach that has otherwise long been forgotten. I say this because I believe one of the most important things for those who have “Just Found Out” to know is that people can, do and have healed.

I stumbled onto your thread via your H’s request for some to talk to you. Apparently he is concerned for you and loves you in spite of your feelings for him right now.

First piece of advice, get your self your very own log on name. Both of you using the same one can be confusing.

That being said let me start by welcoming you to a world unlike any you’ve encountered before. Marriage builders carried me through some of the worst times of my life. You will make some lifetime friends here even if you never actually meet them beyond this virtual world. One warning though, no one here is an expert myself included we are just trying to help ourselves and others get through a traumatic event. Sometimes there is a negative element around; its natural emotional injury doesn’t always bring out the best in us. With that in mind filter the information to your benefit.

I see you have ordered some books, good start, personally I recommend Torn Asunder by Tom Carder. As others have said this site is loaded with good information read all you can.

Another book I highly recommend is the good book. I don’t like to push religion on anyone but I have to mention it because it helped me immensely through my ordeal. I never read single bible story prior to D-Day. Now I’ve read every page and live in awe that God gave us the instruction manual thousands of years ago, we just forgot about it. Believe me, God cry’s with you and his support is in those pages.

I don’t know what you have been told so far so I apologize if I’m repeating what others have said.

At a week in, don’t expect too much, you’re on the top of the emotional roller coaster and it is going to be pretty rough for a while. Remember to eat when you’re hungry and sleep when you can.

Rule # 1, You are in control of this situation. I know you don’t feel like it but it is true. Right now you control the M, you control your life, the choices are yours, stay, run, make life a living H&ll or chart a course for marital recovery it’s all up to you. If you want counseling, whether that is Individual and or Marriage get it. Most important, marriage or not, is to take care of yourself. You have some self-healing to do, when you’re at the bottom like this you have a clean slate to remake yourself into the person you want to be. This is what Plan A is, don’t let plan A turn you into a doormat but rather use it to become who you want to be.

Rule # 2, don’t make any life altering decisions for a full year. Which is a fancy way of saying don’t divorce or have a revenge affair, or re-mortgage the house to buy a Porsche or any thing extreme like that. I know a year seems like an eternity right now but in my experience it was very good advice. A BS is in no emotional state to decide if the M is over. Jumping from the emotional roller coaster could prove to be disastrous if in the end the outcome is not what you truly wanted.

As hard as the task before you try to always look for the good in things. Sometimes this will be nearly impossible but try. I’m encouraged that your H told you about his infidelity. Certainly right now that is no consolation but someday it may be. I too was fortunate enough to have my spouse tell me about her A. I would come to learn that she told me because she needed my help to get out of it. She told me because she did love me and the fog wasn’t enough to make the A right in her conscience. She had remorse from day 1 and that helped. It would seem you have these things going for you also. Try to remember that when it gets tough.

I’ve rambled enough DHW, and all I really want to convey to you is that you can do this, you can survive and thrive and you are not alone. Keep talking

God Bless
Oz

Howdy, wife! Just wondering how things are with you. I know exactly what you're going through. Hang in there. You're getting lots of advice and support from this site anbd that's what's pulling me through. Every day does get better.

Oz and Mantis. Thanks for responding. We just got the MB's home study course today. I look forward to doing some reading.

I'm not going to make any rash decisions. Actually, I have...I told him the day that he told me about the ONSs that I was about to make a "rash decision". (He had accused me of doing that before). Through my tears, I said that we had too much going for us and that my decision was to stay and fight for this marriage. We have alot of work ahead of us, but I'm up for it and I believe he is too.

Last night I asked for more gory details and he told me. I have all these questions and all it does is make me replay everything in my head. I have to know everything.

He came home today with a dozen red roses. I don't know that I've ever gotten a dozen.

Thanks again,

DHW
I'm trying to get my own account.

Hubby here. Thanks to many of you. I told you I'd tell her and now you know I have. I don't think I've ever been more scared. The two-three weeks prior to me telling her just had me all stirred up inside. I knew there was no way I could just sit down and start talking to her so I had to write it out. It was long, 6 typed single spaced pages with about another 20 pages of MB's material and my posts with you as backup info. I planned on reading it to her but when the time came I was to chicken to even do that. I dreaded when the day was coming but I just made up my mind that I'd have to open myself up and see and feel all the hurt I'd caused. I was anxious, nervous, scared, because I didn't know what she would do. After one round of her crying she told me she was about to make another one of her "rash decisions" you saw her write about. She said, "I love you (first name, last name) and I worship the ground you walk on! I promised you for better or for worse until death do us part so you're stuck (happily) with me." I wasn't expecting her words and wasn't expecting their effect on me. They cut right to my heart and sent me into a meltdown. When I was a teenager I was very worried that I'd never find anybody that really loved me. But if I did find anyone, I was going to have the perfect wife, family, etc. I told her that at one time I even questioned her love for me. I took her words in these circumstances as the greatest act of love she's ever shown me, then my tears melted into her. Then I felt so disappointed and disgusted in myself because these mistakes have been the greatest failure, by far, in my life.
I'm so relieved I've told her.

Ooops, didn't finish. Hit enter by mistake.
Anyway, I'm so relieved that I've told her. Why? Many reasons. I don't have to live in a lie to myself and my wife, don't have to be the proverbial hypocrite in the back pews but most importantly I still have tremendous hope that we'll have as close to the perfect marriage I'd hoped for when I was a teenager. Yes, we're believers and I know its a huge plus for us. This was just a really hard first step I knew I had to take. We've ordered Dr. H's Home Study Course and will start tomorrow.
DH

Again look for the good in things. You’re asking questions and getting answers. Many can’t pry an honest answer out of a WS a year in let alone one week in.

Distressed, if you read this listen to me, If DHW ask a question answer it honestly. Even if you think the truth will hurt. If you don’t she will find out some day and it will be a set back for both of you.

Hang tough you two, this can work

Oz

DH and DH's Wife,

Thank you for posting your updates! You both sound like amazing people and I really believe that you two will be able to use this to create an an amazing, loving and happy marriage - one that is better than before. There are so many things I want to say to both of you. I will start with Wife. (Again, I'm new to this, so other may post better info/ideas.)

DH's Wife,

Your response to your H was so loving and I think you are stronger than you realize. This is a terrible thing to go through, and you don't deserve it, but you have so many blessings - a H who really loves you, who is sorry for what he's done and who's willing to do what it takes to make things better and build a great life with you. Most of the people on this board (for that matter, most of the people in this world), would give a lot to have those things. OK, H made some awful mistakes, and it's totally unfair that you have to feel pain for his mistakes and you have to help fix things, but you're a team, you're H&W, and you can get through this together and be thankful that you did the work to make it through. You deserve a great H and a great marriage, and you will have it. I forgot to mention - your faith - lean on it - it's essential, and God can help you work through this difficult time.

About what happened in the A. It's very painful to hear, and I have the EXACT same issue you do about protection. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> By the way, I started a thread on "In Recovery" where I asked experienced & recovered MBers to tell me how they got over bad memories of the A. I vent a little in there, but I also summarized the good advice towards the end, so I'll try to link it below (I don't know how to link yet, so it may take me a while).

As you read the MB stuff, you will see that they recommend confessing the A & what happened. It's called "cleaning the wound" (I think), and that way, there are no more secrets and you two can really heal. So, you two seem to be doing things right by talking about it, but I want to warn you to be kind to yourself and take that part slow if you need to do that.

You two are going to have a great marriage, and I am happy for both of you, but go through all the necessary steps. I've "read ahead" about recoveries that are further along than mine, and they all say that you have to go through the process. Don't stop just when things start to feel better - heal completely.

DH,

Thank you for having the courage to tell your wife - you have done the right thing for each of you and for your M. It's great to read about how glad you are to have told her the truth and how you two now have a real chance to make things right and have a great M. It was also wonderful to read that you see what amazing and priceless gifts you have been given: (1) your wife (!); (2) her love; and (3) her willingness to work on the M. Please do what you can to ease her pain.

I have to run, but I'll write more later. I know you two are going to make it, so please keep us posted. Be good to each other, I'm sure you are both hurting.

CIH

distressedhubby ... I'm so proud of you for doing the right thing!! You rate on the same level as my H!! I'm not diminishing the hurt and disappointment I'm going through but If I had a choice of knowing and not knowing I choose knowing. It hasn't been easy these last 6 weeks or so. Your wife sounds a lot like me and if she ever needs to talk or vent have her post me. She's not alone and neither am I. I've got a lot of comfort, advice and support from this site, from people who have gone through what I'm going through and there is indeed hope when the marriage is based on honesty, respect and communication. In my case I truly believe his ONS was an isolated one-time thing and it won't happen again. It hasn't been easy and I still have my moments of anger and flare-up especially when I'm alone and my mind starts going crazy. H has been gone for 3 days now and won't return til Fri PM. Last night over the phone he actually said he missed me and that was something I have not heard for some time. He called 4 times today just to see how I was doing. The man is really trying to regain my trust and being accountable for every minute he is away. Tomorrow when he comes home I'll be so happy to see him! Keep praying for guidance and strength as I do every day 'cause you'll both need it. Good luck and keep in touch.