Hello,
I have been lurking around for a couple days to get encouragement and seek words of wisdom. I finally decided to be courageous and post my own words here....so here goes......
I found out in May of this year that my husband of 13 years was having an internet romance with another woman. We are a military family and are currently stationed in Europe. My friends and family are in the U.S. so I don't really have anyone to talk to. We don't really have marriage counseling services here as our base is somewhat small.
I found photos of another woman while checking an e-mail address that my husband created a few months ago to mess with my daughter while she was chatting on-line with friends. He gave me the acct password and address. I check it randomly to make sure the junkmail doesn't pile up.
Apparently he forgot he gave me that info.
As I was doing a random check I saw photos of another woman in a new file he created. There wasn't a message, just 5 photos. I confronted him and after a few half baked stories on how the photos got there he finally told me that he was told by a co-worker that this woman noticed him on a business trip he took a few months back and she thought he was "hot." They apparently never met.
My husband told this co-worker that if he received an e-mail from her then maybe he would believe that she thought him attractive.
So, that's how it started. He said it was a cheap thrill to get an ego boost and he had been feeling unloved and unwanted by me and it made him feel good knowing other women found him attractive. He said he swears he will never e-mail her again.
The problem is that this is not the first time this has happened. 8 years ago after coming home from a business trip, I went through his dirty laundry to sort out the whites from darks and found a t-shirt with a lipstick stain and it reeked of woman's perfume.
He denied anything and everything.
One week later after finding that t-shirt he received a letter from a woman which I read. She stated things like she misses him, she enjoyed the time they basked in the sun together and she dreamt of him. After confronting him with the letter he said that there was a woman he befriended but only thought of her as a friend whereas she wanted more from him. The lipstick came from the night before they left he gave her a hug and a "friendly kiss.
Before we moved here, (one year ago) my husband was gone for 8 weeks on yet another business trip. When he returned home I noticed that he was withdrawn and cold towards me. He told me he was acting that way because I wasn't acting very welcoming when he returned home (whatever that means!). I started noticing that he was checking his e-mail from work (he has access to his e-mail from our computer at home) an awful lot and that anytime I came near him he would minimize his e-mail. I suspected that he was keeping in touch with a woman he met during his 8 week trip but I didn't have any proof.
I have found out recently that he was keeping touch with other woman via the internet (besides the one woman I have solid proof of). I have no clue how many and he swears to me that he is done with all communication with other women. He said he realizes that he hurt me deeply and wants to prove to me how much he loves me and wants only me.
I want to believe him but I am having a hard time coping with all of the negative emotions that i am feeling. How do I deal with the resentment? It seems that one day I feel great and feel like all is going great and then BAM! the next day I feel total resentment towards him. I don't want to live in the past but I don't know how to deal with the emotions that I am going through.
We have 5 kids altogether. One each from previous marriages and 3 kids together. My husband is 44 and I am 36. 4 kids still live at home and one is in the Army. I want to be here for the kids 100% but I keep getting drawn into the hurt he put me through.
ANy ideas or words of advice would be appreciated so very much!!!

Hi Blueyonder!

Welcome to MB!

I'd have to say that from your post, it does seem very hopeful for you and your H... Several things that you mention sure don't sound like he's deeply involved with an OW...

1) He gave you his passwords and login to his e-mail account.

2) He said it was a cheap thrill to get an ego boost and he had been feeling unloved and unwanted by me and it made him feel good knowing other women found him attractive.

I can definitely relate to #2... men need affirmation just as much as women do!

Now, it DOES sound like he's having some very inappropriate contact via the e-mail and the internet... and I DO understand how devastating that is... so please don't take my positive statements as meaning that there's nothing wrong with what he's doing!

Read all of the articles here on the MB website and see if your H would be willing to fill out the Emotional Needs questionnaire with you... (You should fill one out as well! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> )...

Again, from what you've told us, I think things look very hopeful for you and your H as long as you are BOTH willing to work on rebuilding your M.


Semper Fi,
RIF90

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