I really don’t know how to react right now. I guess I am surprised but then not surprised given that fact that over the past 4 years we have been through hell.

10/00 major loss in stock market that starts a big downward spiral in my family finances and future
6/01 company lay off of job that I had been at for 8 years and done quite well at
7/01 started new job at company that is a competitor of my first company
9/01 Sept 11th
11/01 went long instead of short in Enron. Final nail in financial situation
12/01 informed of company sale to the first company that I had worked at for 8 years
ALL of 2002 – begin down ward despair leading to depression over all that has happened
4/02 company completes sale to my first company, job eliminated
5/02 start new job, for a while 6 months, it seems like a good job but then I know I don’t want to be there any more.
1/03 declare chap 7 bankruptcy
3/03 started taking Zoloft
9/03 laid off from 3rd job in 3 years
9/03 off of Zoloft, no insurance
9/03 to 2/04 looking for a job, major despair
3/04 start a contract job
8/04 informed that my contract job is now perm. AND I love it
8/11/04 informed by wife that she had an affair in Nov and Dec of 03

Now in all of these details I don’t even go into the fact that I wasn’t myself with myself, my wife, or my kids. I have had so many ups and mostly downs over the past 4 years it would too long and hard to even describe other than the fact that I have been driving my wife crazy or falling away in our strength of love for each other.

Now on to the details of the “affair”. Again, I don’t know how to feel or what to do, as I mentioned earlier I guess I feel more surprise than anything but then don’t feel surprised because I know all the pain I have caused my wife. So I know from her explanation last night, she had reached her low in Nov/Dec 03 and it was her outlet or out of body experience to run from the pain she was in.

We were talking last night and she has been probing me over the past couple months to see what my reaction was or would be. I told her that I still love her and want our love to be what it should. (Although I still have a lot of inward pain and anger towards her) Anyway she said she didn’t want to hurt me anymore but I could tell there was more – so we went down the slope so to speak. She didn’t want to tell me she wanted me to ask questions. She said it was too painful for her to talk about and that she has blocked it out.

I asked her if they had sex. She said no, no meaning no intercourse. She went on to tell me that they had engaged in kissing and touching and hugging. Other details I’ll spare but she did tell me that she did not have an o both times(she said it was weird and not me and that she didn’t feel right, my thought is well why all the other stuff) but that he did O both times. All of this with them unclothed and on our bed. This happened twice, once in late Nov and once in Dec. It hasn’t happened since. The extra weird thing is it happened with a guy in our church – our age, a friend of mine, not close but a friend anyway.

My wife broke it off in Jan of this year. So I am just finding out the details last night. She has avoided him like the plague since, no contact, and looking back I can see that it has been awkward for the both of them. She feels remorse and has asked confession from God and from me.

My thoughts are – how do I react to this? We both see him at church every week and his wife doesn’t know. I don’t plan on saying anything to him. I don’t know.

I also don’t feel or see this as an affair as far as from the lines of a long drawn out relationship with 2 hearts being torn from the end of it. It just happened very fast and was done with. I don’t know I may be off base.

Please give me any thoughts on this situation. What to do, next steps, I guess I just am feeling weird, I don’t feel mad or upset, just surprised.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by risky scheme?:
<strong> I asked her if they had sex. She said no, no meaning no intercourse......All of this with them unclothed and on our bed. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Unclothed, on a bed, and no intercourse? That doesn't pass the smell test. If she had said partially clothed, in the back of a car, then I would believe it. My bet, there is more to this story.

EricM

sorry, double post

<small>[ August 11, 2004, 03:42 PM: Message edited by: EricM ]</small>

This will sound radical, but: Tell his wife and change churches, immediately.

Click on the link in my signature line and start learning about how to recover. In a few days or weeks, the reasons for the two "radical" suggestions above will become obvious.

As for why to tell, to give you a jump start:
A. You would want to know in her position, wouldn't you?
B. If you don't, you will be sharing their secret, in a sense particiating in the deception of their affair. One of the conditions of an affair is secrecy. If you don't tell, you are perpetuating that condition, and one of the goals of recovery is to eliminate the conditions that led up to the affair.

Sorry you find yourself posting here, but I am glad you have found this place.

ASAP, tell his wife what your wife has told you and ask her to share whatever her husband tells her.

His wife deserves to know. And I think you might find some differences in the story your wife told you and the story OM will tell his wife.

You must not let your wife know you are going to tell OM's wife, however, or she may tip the OM off and he'll brace his wife to hear from that "crazy so-and-so who thinks his wife had an affair with me!"

The second person I would tell would be the pastor of your church and ask for a counseling recommendation.

Your situation has much hope. But there is work to be done.

~ Snow

P.S. How did you get such a low member number? Been around here awhile? Just curious.

<small>[ August 12, 2004, 06:26 PM: Message edited by: Snowbelle ]</small>

Snowbelle, yes I've been here a while. Had some monster posts a while back.

As far as what you brought up... really, what good would it do for me to go to go and tell his why what has happened? I really truely believe what my wife has told me so far and I believe she is truly repentant. There has not been any contact between them since January.

I mean going to her and telling what has happened would cause, I'm sure a blowup between her and her husband. Should'nt I just worry about my own marriage and not about theirs?

We have started reading thru Torn Asunder and I truly feel we can get thru it without counseling. Am I wrong to feel that way?

The first part is revealing the affair to one's spouse, the second part is never seeing or communicating with the lover again, and the third part is getting through symptoms of withdrawal after a permanent separation takes place.

Coping with Infidelity: Part 2
How Should Affairs End?
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html

Continuing to see OM at church every week is inhibitive of a full recovery. Lack of complete exposure is also inhibitive.

I'm curious, how DID their contact technically end? Just splat, he didn't contact her, she didn't contact him, was there a speech about how it was wrong and should stop, etc., etc.

Lucks,

"It" ended based on the 2 of them deciding it was wrong, confessing it to each other and basically not speaking to each other any more. No more emails, chats, or even discussions at church. My wife showed me the email that she sent to the OM confessing her part in the affair and saying to him that it was wrong. Which both of them agreed upon and decided not to continue any further.

to add more to the above, this was done 1 month after the 2nd and final physical meeting between the 2 of them.

So basically it was not told to me until 8 months after the 2nd physical meeting.

Risky,

I understand that some time has lapsed, and that the affair appears to be over. But that doesn't mean there aren't embers that could spark to life, especially when the two see each other weekly, albeit in church.

Telling his wife will undoubtedly spark turmoil between them. That is to be expected. She deserves to know and he should be expected to be honest with her. Their relationship was/is obviously in trouble. The secrecy will only compound their troubles, not make them go away.

Your wife and OM might both be terribly ashamed about what they did, and that is good. I am not sure confessing their sin TO EACH OTHER carries much weight, though, and the two of you would be better off sitting down with your pastor and tell him what has happened.

Trust me. You won't be the first.

By telling his wife you form an ally and add extra insurance that neither your wife, nor OM will want to rekindle their affair. It just makes sense. Embarrassing? Yes. Hard to do? Undoubtedly. But if your wife can face her accuser (OM/s W), then she will really begin to understand why she fell so far in the first place.

You'll see from my sig that I've gone down this road twice. I hate to see anyone else take that journey again.
WIth OW #1 the husband was none the wiser, and his wife kept coming back to my husband like a bad penny. How I wished I would have contacted her husband right away! Please consider this advice for what it is: well-intentioned words based on past history.


~ Snow

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by risky scheme?:
<strong> We have started reading thru Torn Asunder and I truly feel we can get thru it without counseling. Am I wrong to feel that way? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Just one quick comment about this. Even though the affair appears over, and you and your wife are taking steps to recover your marriage, I think you are unwise to try to get through this without counseling.

Your marriage has suffered a very serious rending. It takes time, and help, to get to the underlying reasons that your wife did what she did and the circumstances that lead up to the affair.

Ask yourself WHY you want to take this on alone? To spare yourself or your wife further embarassment? That would be a red flag.

You need to give some thought as to why you oppose the idea of outside counseling.

~ Snow