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Joined: Aug 2004
Posts: 3
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Joined: Aug 2004
Posts: 3
Thank you so much for replying to my post "HOw to Cope." It sure did help knowing there are people out there that care and that can relate.
I have a few more questions re: my husband's internet romances......
Re: the woman he was internet romancing a year ago (the one I have no proof of but he kinda semi admitted to).... should I try to find out who she was? He met her while on a business trip for 8 weeks. Do I try to find out if he did anything with her while on his trip? Or should I just drop it? I just recently found out about her, but never had proof to back my suspicions.
Also, should I ask him to pull up his e-mail acct from work just so I can see that he is not e-mailing other women? I don't have access to his e-mail acct at work because it's a govt. e-mail acct but he is able to check it from home. Would it be to inappropriate for me to ask to see his work e-mail acct?
I don't want to constantly re-hash the past, but I guess I want to be 100% sure he is telling the truth.
He did give me the address and acct password to the e-mail acct he made here at home (web-based e-mail) but he totally forgot that I had the info because he wouldn't have used that acct to keep in touch with the woman I 100% know about.

Thank you again for your encouragment!!! It truly means alot to me.

Joined: Mar 2004
Posts: 25
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Posts: 25
my husband had an internet affair for 9 months. I found about 3 months worth of love letters. During that time my husband was very moody.

It had developed into a very romantic love affair in the space of only one month. They never met as she lives in Europe and my husband has not gone to Europe and in the last emails, they were still talking about how much they wanted to meet each other and be together.

these internet affairs are emotional affairs and just as dangerous as physical affairs. Having access to your husbands work email and his password means nothing because they can set up an email through Yahoo like my husband did and I knew nothing about it. You are best to obtain spy software. There are others on this board that can give you more information on this. You are able to monitor what your husband is typing into his computer without him knowing about it.

All the best, Anne

Joined: Aug 2004
Posts: 3
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Joined: Aug 2004
Posts: 3
Anne,
Thanks for your reply to my post. I am sorry for what you are going through as I can feel your pain.
The thing is, my husband doesn't use our home computer to stay in touch with these other women. He used it once (which I found out about immediately), but he uses his computer at work. Unfortunately I don't have access to his work e-mail. That's why I was wondering if I should ask him to prove to me that he is not corresponding with other women by letting me see his e-mail from work. All he has to do is enter certain passwords for him to pull up his work e-mail.
I do check our temp. internet cache here at home and know he is not corresponding with anyone.
THanks again and I appreciate all the words and encouragement!!!! It does help tremendously.

Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 10
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Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 10
Dear Blue-

On June 17, thinking I was entering my e-mail account, I accidentally entered my husband's account which he had left open earlier that evening. It was then that I discovered two and a half years worth of e-mail love letters between my husband of 8 plus years and a woman who has been a friend of his for approximately 20 years. Apparently, through e-mail, phone calls and two in-person meetings (she lives 1300 miles away), this friendship blossomed into a full blown EA that lasted for nearly a third of my marriage.

I confronted him calmly, honestly wanting him to have the opportunity to come clean with me and got the usual WS crap of "she's just a friend," "Why are you so jealous?," "It was just a game" "I'll never do it again, so let's just let it go" and blah blah blah.

I called OW (married w/ 2 kids) at her home the next night and have to say she showed more honesty and decency in the first 15 seconds of that conversation than my muddled up WH was able to show in the first three days. She apologized immediately, also said it would never happen again and admitted that their friendship had just gotten away from them.

I took our little S and left WH at D_Day plus 4 because I was literally bouncing off the walls here. The two week break was good for both WH and me (little DS didn't mind the "vacation", either). I had a chance to calm down a little and WH had a chance to realize that the only way he could keep his family intact was to completely re-commit himself to building an honest and open marriage. That's what we're working toward together and in MC.

A few weeks after my return, I discovered MB and learned a few things about how to proceed. I asked him for passwords to all of his e-mail accounts, including work and he immediately complied. We are also going to close all accounts (outside of work) and keep only one joint account that we'll both use for personal mail.

I can now check (and occasionally do!) any account he has. Does this mean I can absolutely rest secure that there is NC? NO. Obviously he can at any time open another account, buy a calling card, etc. But I feel pretty confident that they're sticking to NC because I also called OW's H on D-Day plus 3 and told him everything I knew. OW now has a vigilant pair of eyes on her, as does my WH.

But more than that, I can see these huge differences already in my H. The anger and irritability that had been constant in him over the last two plus years disappeared the night I confronted him with the e-mails and has not come back. It's like the evil twin Skippy that I was living with has just up and vanished. He's talking to me in ways that he hasn't in years, he's remorseful (too much so, I'm afraid, my poor love), and seems determined to change in ways that would prevent this ever happening again.

Have you asked your WH for his e-mail log-in and passwords, work included? Would he allow you to sit down with him and review his account (don't forget the sent and delete files) without notice? Can you review his cell phone usage? If the answers to any of these questions is no, I'd assume he had something to hide and that the something was an EA/PA.

Finally, maybe the most important question of all . . . If you can get a name, are you prepared to expose the A to the OW's H or B-f? I think this was invaluable for us in helping to ensure that NC stays NC through all the pain and dislocation of withdrawal. Our MC agreed totally and complimented me on it in front of WH saying that I may have saved two marriages and not just my own. WH, still a little bit foggy, doesn't yet totally see it that way, but he'll come around eventually, I believe.

Knowledge of the truth is critical here and I wish you all the luck in the world in getting hold of it.

Joined: May 2003
Posts: 168
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Joined: May 2003
Posts: 168
Hello blue
I'm sorry your in such a mess.It's hard to deal with internet affair(s).It's like daily tourcher for you especially if your H chats like mine does.My H has had many A on the internet and has met 3 of them physically.My H is a computer whiz so it was very hard for me to put anything on his computer.He was never off of it for one neither me or our children were "allowed" to use it.He locked it when he left the house so we couldn't use it without his pass word.This has been an ongoing nightmare for me now for 3 years because I never know who he's meeting or chatting with.My H used to tell them to change their net name when I started asking questions or when I noticed he was chatting with one perticular person for awhile she would just change her name so I would think he was talking to someone else.My H runs a chat room so he meets alot of people.When I get home from work he's chatting and he chats until whenever he comes to bed.The best thing for you to do is to watch your H behavior,habits.Make note of what changed with him during the A, new clothes,hair changed,talking differently towards you etc.Make yourself aware of little changes with him.Don't constantly confront him just listen and watch and if anythings going on you'll be able to tell you just have to make yourself aware of the signs.Just act like nothings going on but keep your eyes open.I don't think you'll be able to put spyware on his work computer so all you can do is be paient with the situation but in the mean time take care of yourself and your children,give your H a little slack and watch his behavior.Stay strong Blue...


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