Dear Blue-
On June 17, thinking I was entering my e-mail account, I accidentally entered my husband's account which he had left open earlier that evening. It was then that I discovered two and a half years worth of e-mail love letters between my husband of 8 plus years and a woman who has been a friend of his for approximately 20 years. Apparently, through e-mail, phone calls and two in-person meetings (she lives 1300 miles away), this friendship blossomed into a full blown EA that lasted for nearly a third of my marriage.
I confronted him calmly, honestly wanting him to have the opportunity to come clean with me and got the usual WS crap of "she's just a friend," "Why are you so jealous?," "It was just a game" "I'll never do it again, so let's just let it go" and blah blah blah.
I called OW (married w/ 2 kids) at her home the next night and have to say she showed more honesty and decency in the first 15 seconds of that conversation than my muddled up WH was able to show in the first three days. She apologized immediately, also said it would never happen again and admitted that their friendship had just gotten away from them.
I took our little S and left WH at D_Day plus 4 because I was literally bouncing off the walls here. The two week break was good for both WH and me (little DS didn't mind the "vacation", either). I had a chance to calm down a little and WH had a chance to realize that the only way he could keep his family intact was to completely re-commit himself to building an honest and open marriage. That's what we're working toward together and in MC.
A few weeks after my return, I discovered MB and learned a few things about how to proceed. I asked him for passwords to all of his e-mail accounts, including work and he immediately complied. We are also going to close all accounts (outside of work) and keep only one joint account that we'll both use for personal mail.
I can now check (and occasionally do!) any account he has. Does this mean I can absolutely rest secure that there is NC? NO. Obviously he can at any time open another account, buy a calling card, etc. But I feel pretty confident that they're sticking to NC because I also called OW's H on D-Day plus 3 and told him everything I knew. OW now has a vigilant pair of eyes on her, as does my WH.
But more than that, I can see these huge differences already in my H. The anger and irritability that had been constant in him over the last two plus years disappeared the night I confronted him with the e-mails and has not come back. It's like the evil twin Skippy that I was living with has just up and vanished. He's talking to me in ways that he hasn't in years, he's remorseful (too much so, I'm afraid, my poor love), and seems determined to change in ways that would prevent this ever happening again.
Have you asked your WH for his e-mail log-in and passwords, work included? Would he allow you to sit down with him and review his account (don't forget the sent and delete files) without notice? Can you review his cell phone usage? If the answers to any of these questions is no, I'd assume he had something to hide and that the something was an EA/PA.
Finally, maybe the most important question of all . . . If you can get a name, are you prepared to expose the A to the OW's H or B-f? I think this was invaluable for us in helping to ensure that NC stays NC through all the pain and dislocation of withdrawal. Our MC agreed totally and complimented me on it in front of WH saying that I may have saved two marriages and not just my own. WH, still a little bit foggy, doesn't yet totally see it that way, but he'll come around eventually, I believe.
Knowledge of the truth is critical here and I wish you all the luck in the world in getting hold of it.
