This is my first post, I found this website a few days ago while trying to find some answers to what has happend to my marriage.

I've been married to my husband for almost nine years. Until a couple of weeks ago, I thought I had the perfect marriage. We have always gotten along so well and I have never ever suspected anything.

He in in the Army, and has been in Iraq since January. He came home this month on R&R and was acting so horrible, mean really, not like him. The first day home he told me he was very angry with me because I have not been doing well with the money. I have paid all the bills, but have not saved any. We worked out a budget and I made sure he knew I was so sorry for disapointing him.

After a few days I just got a wierd feeling and asked him if he was sleeping with anyone in Iraq and he said yes. He had been having a relationship with a female soldier over there for a few months. It was "companionship" and she was "giving him what he hadn't gotten in a long time."

I was devastated. I really want to keep our marriage, I just am not sure if he does. He says he does but he was so ambivalent about the affair. He actually said it was "therapeutic" for him. He said she has been sent back to the states because she was hurt, but I don't know if that's the truth or not.

He kept saying he was so impressed with how I handled it. I guess he expected me to go nuts, but I was just shocked into numbess. We have two childen, 7 and 2. I'm still floundering. He has gone back to Iraq now and I feel like I am a sap and he is just biding his time until he comes back, then he can get rid of me an be with this other woman. I'm so hurt.

Hi Berg95,

Welcome to MB!

I'm so sorry that you are here, especially while your H is deployed. I've been in Afghanistan since April and won't go on R&R until sometime in December...

It sounds like your H is manipulating you... I've heard of very few WS that will just come right out and say "I'm having an A"... without first trying to dodge the question when first asked.

I hope that this is the case and that your H hasn't actually had an A. But regardless, you do have reason to be concerned... This type of behavior isn't something that a loving spouse would normally do.

Are there any unresolved issues that might have occured in your first 9 years of M? It sounds like something was bothering him and he just used the "savings" as an excuse to get angry with you... then threw in the fact that he was sleeping with a female soldier to rub salt in the wound...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He kept saying he was so impressed with how I handled it. I guess he expected me to go nuts, but I was just shocked into numbess. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That is the basic reason for doing a good Plan-A...

If your H is actually involved in an A with a female soldier, he can get in serious trouble for violating General Order #1... If he's actually in an A, then a quick e-mail to his chain of command will surely put an end to it. But it could also be the end of his military career... so put some thought into what you really want to do before you call or e-mail his chain of command.

Again, I hope your H is just making all of this up... that's my gut feeling from what you've told us, but I could be wrong. I hope this has helped...

Semper Fi,
RIF90

Thanks for your reply.
I am sure he is telling the truth about the A, he really seemed sincere when talking about it. I did dig for a few details, though not many.
And you are right, he can get into big trouble. He has been in a long time and knows this, which is one reason I am shocked he did this. I am not going to try to get him into trouble, that would just hurt me and the children more I think - if he does come back and decide he wants to leave us, it won't help me get on my feet if he can't help financially.
We talked about it a several times while he was on R&R but he specifically said he does not want the topic coming up when he calls us, so I feel like he wants it on the back burner until he gets home. I just hurts thinking he is back there, possibly with her, and I am here. He said he was "so lonely" (this is not his first deployment, we've been through many before) but I am lonely too. I still kept my promise to be faithful. I guess I am feeling resentment and really need to get over that or I will get bitter.

Again, thanks for your reply. Stay safe in Afganistan!

sorry for the serial posting <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

"Unresolved issues" - he told me that if he needs for me to change some things, the main one being my self-esteem. I realize that too, and am taking steps to regain my confidence. That, and me not saving money were what he said his "issues" with me were. So I am working hard on those two points.

Hi Berg95,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> "Unresolved issues" - he told me that if he needs for me to change some things, the main one being my self-esteem. I realize that too, and am taking steps to regain my confidence. That, and me not saving money were what he said his "issues" with me were. So I am working hard on those two points. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My self esteem was shot after I found out about my W's first A... so it's no wonder that he wants you to work on it... I can't believe how utterly selfish your H's actions are... HE has an A, then tells YOU to work on your self esteem???? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

I still say that the "saving money" issue isn't the problem, he's using that as an excuse to be angry with you for some other reason... and I still believe that your H isn't being totally honest about his "affair"...

Why would you agree to let him continue with his "affair" when all it will do is tear you apart and hurt your family? I couldn't live like that and would do anything within my power to end the affair as quickly as possible...

Do you have any way to contact his unit Chaplain? That might be a good way to notify his chain of command without calling his CO or 1SG.

I'm sorry, but I don't have very much sympathy for your H... I still think he's being very manipulative and totally disrespectful to you. His actions strike me as being very abusive and you shouldn't have to put up with it.

Please find a good Marriage Counselor and start going... It will help you as you deal with this while he's away.

Semper Fi,
RIF90

Thanks for your reply again. I actually don't have much sympathy for my spouse either right now, we all get lonely during these long separations, it was no excuse to do this <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I am actually seeing a great therapist now who is also a marriage and family counselor and I will see her this week, so that is good for me.

I have been trying to think of what could have gone wrong, other than my spending money. I just don't see it. He said he is tired of my low self-esteem. He said I was so much more confident before, and I was. My therapist and I have talked about this and I feel like I am making strides. He did tell me he saw that after he had been home a few days, so that was good.

I know my husband sounds like a jerk and he's really not, but he does tend toward selfishness and I generally call him on that, especially since we had kid.

But I think I also am so afraid of conflict that I let everything ride, who knows.

I really appreciate your responses. I feel so wierd right now, but hopefully I can get some answers from the books recommended.

Read up on Plan B. I would seriously consider not talking to him when he calls. Let him know that since he is with someone else, that you love him, but are not going to tolerate him having an affair. Get on with your life, for the sake of letting him know that he doesn't have you in a box of his own definition. Do things out of character for you, develop a sense of adventure, the ability to live in the moment and ENJOY the moment, even though that's far from what you feel like doing. Use the distance to your advantage--he needs some insecurity about you. Quick reply, not well thought out, but tell me what you think?

I'm glad that you are in counseling... I can only offer what I've experienced and what I've observed others going through... a professional MC will be able to help you much more than I.

I did want to comment on the "dealing with this while he's deployed" issue...

We started MC just before I deployed to Kosovo... for us, it was much easier to not try and deal with rebuilding our M when we were 5,000 miles apart... so we put everything on hold until I returned.

I agree with your H that it's probably best to wait and discuss relationship type issues until he returns... Try not to discuss the A issues or try to solve all of the problems while he's deployed, but at the same time, keep going to your MC/IC and take care of yourself.

Also, get a copy of Torn Asunder by Dave Carder... This book will really help you get a perspective on many of the feelings that you are experiencing right now as a betrayed spouse (BS).

Semper Fi,
RIF90

Berg95 - My WW has also been trying to put the blame on me. While I can accept that I have killed the romance in our marriage, I don't accept that it was my fault she had an EA first that was followed up by a PA. She has torn me down a few times over the phone to the point I had to call someone in my family to build me back up. Ironically, she calls back and admits that she was on the attack and it was uncalled for. From what I've read on this website I've learned to just take it because it is basically the ramblings of a very confused mind right now. My WW has never been good at accepting the consequences for any wrong doing on her part, so this will be an interesting test for her. She had her first session with a personal counselor today, so who knows if I'll be talking to Dr Jekyl or Mrs Hyde tonight. My WW has also tried to paint a very bleak picture of the future in hopes, I believe, that I will go ahead and divorce her and thus make the decision mine, not hers...again not facing the consequences of her sin. But she is calling me regularly and I hold on to each call in hopes that means she is coming closer each day to breaking things off with the OM and desiring reconciliation with me. It stinks, but the BS is the one that has to be the rock of stability in this situation...you can do it! Your in my prayers. Respectfully,

Thank you both for you thoughtful replies. My prayers are with you as well, thankfully God knows screen names too <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
I actually called to talk to a chaplain today, the priest that blessed our marriage two years ago when I became Catholic. Funny thing is, this priest is over where my h is now...I got his email and am thinking of passing it on to H and asking him to talk with the priest. He said he would do whatever I chose in regards to mc/etc, and this priest has a connection to our family (blessed our marriage and baptised our youngest <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> )

Berg95 - Keep praying, really praying. God will move...sounds like he already is.

Cheers, Zoomie