OK

I found the people visiting this forum to be most helpful in the past so I hope you won't through me out over posting this topic here.

I ended a marriage with a wife who swings from absolutely abusive to pleading and then back again. The one underlying golden thread is that she won't stop hurling abuse or whatever she thinks is necessary before she got what she want.

I am trying to to maintain the minimum contact with her. She is looking after our children and living within 10 minites drive from me and my current wife. Today, out of the blue I got another insulting message on my cell telling me: I WILL ADVISE YOU TO PAY ALL MONIES OWED BY YOU.THANX.HERNAME.

I wrote back that I am not in the mood to play guessing games and that she should tell me in a respectful way what her problem is. She replied: "F off"
And again: "Go read your divorce contract to see what you owes.:

Has anyone any idea how to go about forcing her to stop her abuse. I felt like hitting back but refrained. The one thing I am not going to do is respond positively to her disrespect. So I just refused to answer back any such messages.

Hi Bob

her first mess

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I WILL ADVISE YOU TO PAY ALL MONIES OWED BY YOU.THANX.HERNAME. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">tho terse is not as such abusive. Obviously angry which you are aware of due to the past history of course.

Look why not just double check first that there is nothing you have forgotten to pay for, rates, taxes, car reg etc etc just to be on the safe side. If there is soemthing just do it without comment, if there is nothing fine let her anger go past you. In Australia we have saying that fits here 'just let it go through to the keeper'.
(From the game of Cricket)

By responding you are keeping the flow of anger going, feeding it by responding to it.
Does it really matter now if she has the last word? you will never stop it that way.

If you get queries /statements like that simply ask what is outstanding. Making statements such as 'ask in a respectful manner", while reasonable to you or me, just seems to set your X off. Don't buy into it.

Look she is looking after the children you had together could it simply be she is having trouble coping and doesn't know how to ask for help?
I have no idea what the circumstances are but I deal with issues like this every day from clients and talk to their partners or X's about similar issues. Its not unusual.

If it is something like that, not coping well, pls see past her anger to the kids.

I have to say that I seem to pick up that BOTH of you are antagnositic to each other, perhaps the result of the history together.
The bottom line is, there is not much anyone can do while such strong anger is there between you.

If you dont respond by commenting & recognising her anger, maybe in time it will fade away. At least by not responding to it, it will then not upset you.

All the best.

Tanx Aussie2

After a day in which I had time to reflect, your advice makes a lot of sense. Just to fill you in: a lot of animosity reigns. I still have flashbacks of how she callously abused my naïve trust in her to be like me in our marriage partnership. The thing that angers me most at times was that she started her first serious PA while I thought we were planning our first real nice holiday with the kids together. That happened 5 years ago and thinking back, I realise that she just expressed feigned interest in the holiday because her thoughts and desires were somewhere else. I feel that she and her lover were making a fool of me. I recently discovered that they did not have their sex in his office as she led me to believe, but in our own home, my home: my wife making out with her lover in my home while I was at work and the kids in school or after care. I will never be able to forgive her for that.

I also discussed yesterday’s incident with my current wife. Her opinion is that my children who visited us during the weekend must have told her about stuff that we bought for my current wife’s daughter’s bedroom and that my X may be somehow upset about it. Therefore she was trying to remind me that I should not spend too much as I have a responsibility towards our kids.

So, I will give my anger another day to subside and just matter of factly ask if there are any outstanding payments. Thanx for reminding me to “let it go through to the keeper” That’s quite cute. I am from South Africa and you must have noticed the rivalry between our cricket team and your Shane Warn et. al.

Hi Bob

well hope you can find some less stressful way to talk to your XW. Dont blame you for the animosity at all, just it does no good now and you have a new life.

I'm still going through the early part of my Wifes admission, we're not going too good right now, but at last we are going to get some help via MC. At least I seem to have a wife who is very remorseful, though I feel feed up with the whole deal. It must have been so tough to have it thrown in your face..blah..dont think I could have put up with it for very long.
You must have a heart lke Farlap (the famous race horse)

Your wife is probably right. Though it would not surprise me if your XW has come to realise what she has thrown away and she can do nothing about it now. Might explain her continuing anger??

Well with summer not that far off we should see some good cricket this coming season. Though I love the traditional tests I have to admit
(heresy) that I have come to really enjoy the one day matches. We will have to see what Warnie can do this year!

Are you going to watch the Australian Vs South Af Rugby test?? Saw them beat New Zealand and as the test is in SA I think the Wallabies are going to have a real tough time.
Well hope you can get to watch it.

All the best

<small>[ August 18, 2004, 09:49 AM: Message edited by: aussie2 ]</small>

Hi Aussie

Yes, I'm certainly going to watch the rugby match. Just read in the papers our captain sustained a knee injury during the All Black match last Saturday and did not join the practice sessions. In the meantime our coach and the Wallaby coach are sledging each other through the media. Wonderfull publicity and hype creation.

Regarding my X: she is hyper sensitive to squables about the kids and we went through a bad patch where we almost had each other in court about custody and alimony. I decided to grant her her wishes and let the kids stay with her during the week. I have custody. I want to show my goodwill by granting her as much access and control over the kids as possible. It also gives me and my Wife some breating space. Furthermore, I want to cool down the animosity and decided to stop refering to what happened in the past and treat her like a partner who must help me take care of the kids as best we can.

Regarding your M: Hang in there. Give yourself time, lots of time. Try to get as much information on what happened as possible and get perspective over the past because it will indicate which way to go. I am very glad that your W is willing to work with you. That is a very good sign. My X used the revelations of infidility as a means to scare me off instead of coming clean. I went through an extremely torrid time. Looking back over my marriage I could label it "The marriage that never was."