I just confirmed that my W is having a PA. I had initial suspicions several weeks ago. She had at least an EA three years ago so I have seen this before. If we did not have a young child, 8, I would be divorcing her immediately. This is the only thing holding me back. Is it good to stay in a "marriage" which is more like a room-mate situation for the sake of children? My W and I do get along most of the time, we both have professional careers, and we both care very much for our child.

No, you do not stay in a loveless M for the sake of your children. You decide to work on having a wonderful M for the sake of your children (and you, too)!

I'm so sorry you have found yourself here, but this is a terrific place to figure out how to get your WS to return to the M. Be prepared to work on yourself, too. Read everything you can here about Plan A and be good to yourself. This is the hardest thing you will ever do.

Gee, you sound like you are in the same situation that my wife and I were in, except you found out much earlier than I did.

I pretty much agree with the first reply - don't stay in "just" for the sake of the child - stay in and learn how to have a great marriage, so you can show your child what that looks like, and they will not expect or accept the kind of marriage you have had until now. IF you just accept the "roommate" marriage "for the child's sake, the child will expect nothing more from their own marriage, and will likely have their own affair or their spouse will betray them.

Affiar recovery is not easy, and you can't even really get started until she ends her affair, but a road map to the information you need to hasten its end and build a great marriage afterwards is in the link in my signature line. Click and start reading.

two earlier posts were spot on. Years ago I had an affair that almost broke up my marriage. But I had two young kids and I couldn't do it. So I worked hard to communicate better and many years later with wonderful wife and kids I am glad I made the decision.

If your wife is willing to openly communicate - maybe counselling is worthy to consider - go for it... and good luck

Check out my sig.... We hung in there for the sake of the children the first time, nothing really changed, and a more serious, devestating affair occurred five years later.

After that one, however, we got down to work and are now happily staying together just for "us."

~ Snow

Hello,

our D-day was 6 years ago when our son was 9. I suspected an EA between my H and his co-worker from the year or two before that awful day when he revealed that he never loved me even when we had married. (Fog talk, he rewrote history.)

I won't waste time on all the details of the intervening years. Instead, jump to the present:
We live as roommates. There will never again be romance or sex. I suspect he still talks to/sees the OW from time to time. I'm not happy about it, but at least he's not forcing her into our lives any more.

Our son has two parents together at the dinner table, two parents to go to his baseball games and watch him play, one home where all his things are so he never has to pack up a bag for a visit with the other parent and then discover that he's forgotten something important he needs for school. He's lived in this house since his birth, and he is very attached to things from the past. Won't change the bedroom curtains in his room although they are very juvenile, hangs on to childhood mementos.

Financially we are able to afford me being a stay at home mom, so I drive him wherever he needs to go, which means tutoring for support in school. He needs extra help, has some learning difficulties, and is in a small private school that he "loves."

On days school was closed, I was the mother who could have his friends over here for the day off because all the other mothers had to go to work. Lunches around the dining room table, after the kids pitched in to make the food. (The kids peeled apples and made applesauce, mixed salads, made deserts.)

We just returned from a visit to my in-laws. My mother in law is elderly and recovering from surgery and father in law needed a break. We spent the week cooking for them, cleaning, taking mother in law to doctor's appointments.

Our son put in a flower garden for them, did chores and projects, set the breakfast table, took his grandma walking while holding her hand so she wouldn't fall.

For our family staying together was right. I am lonely, and the only hope I have for the future is that our son will benefit from the stability and constancy we have provided.

I might be happier if we had divorced. I might have found love again, remarried, but then I might not have.

My parents divorced. My mother divorced twice. The effects on me and my sister were long-lasting and devastating. I gave our marriage another chance and we aren't a success story. I sold my present happiness for our son's future, and hope it was the right choice.

If you want to rebuild, MB is the place to come to work on your marriage. People here have wise counsel. If you don't want to rebuild, you are certainly in your rights to divorce. Your wife's affair effectively dissolved your marriage.

Good luck.

Jeez Belle:

I feel like I've been visited by the Ghost of Christmas Future . . . I see my life heading your way and it seems so bleak.

I too love my kids and will not let divorce visit their lives if I can help it. I just wonder at what cost I do this?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Comfortably Numb:
<strong> Jeez Belle:

I feel like I've been visited by the Ghost of Christmas Future . . . I see my life heading your way and it seems so bleak.

I too love my kids and will not let divorce visit their lives if I can help it. I just wonder at what cost I do this? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I understand completely. I feel like the Ghost of Christmas Future myself, haunting the boards for so long after the first few painful years after finding the Boards.

At what cost? I don't know. Maybe a very unfair one. For the ones who end up divorcing their unfaithful mates, I have no bad judgment toward them. Only they know how much pain and grief they can live with.

I'd rather pay the cost with the sacrifice of "what might I have if I risked the present" than have our son pay it. And given that my H doesn't want a divorce right now, I'll hang on, keep a stable and peaceful marriage (loveless, yes, but it keeps our son secure.)

He is growing up to be a very good boy. If my H decides once he is off to college that he wants to go back to his original plan (go off and live alone) then our son has had at least l8 years in an intact home.

Appreciate the comments everyone. Still a struggle deciding which route to take. Have not had a serious conversation as she has been out of town with my daughter visiting relatives. With a little digging, found out that the OM lives on the east coast so they can not see each other often since we are on the west coast. But, they are trying to make plans to meet up in a different city. They are both members of a national organization so are using this as the reason. I can't forbid and force her to not go, but I am planning to contact the OM's wife and let her know what is going on (if she does not already know).

I will ask my W to go to marriage counseling with me, but I am not too optimistic. I have attempted in the past, and she has repeatedly said that everything wrong in our marriage is due
to my issues, and that she saw no reason to go with me. This "I'm always right, and everyone else is wrong" attitude is what I have been dealing with. Even her brothers and sisters have talked to me about this, so I know it is not just me.

Have you confronted your wife?

Yes and I also had a conversation with the OM's spouse, who had no idea that there was an A going on. My W went ballistic, called me every name in the book, blamed me for everything - that by contacting the OM's wife instead of him directly, that I was passive-agressive. She said that she has hated me for years, and that I do not love her and do not know how to love her. She believes I did this to control her and my behavior is "sick". I was expecting this. Also, before all of this, she had agreed to go to marriage counseling (while this A was happening), but now she says that there is no point. She wants me to leave her alone and pointed out that I do not own her.

bvantz,
I understand your problem but the "staying for the children" argument is in my opinion, not valid.

Your daughter growing up as the product of a loveless marriage invites all kinds of problems that she shouldn't have to confront, anymore then she should be made to confront the problems she will have to face being the product of divorced parents.

If I could choose a course of action for you, I would suggest that you confront your WW with the situation and ask her what she feels the solution to your mutual problem should be. Then I would tell her that no matter what, you intend to expose the affair to the OM's wife (I assume that he's married) as well as to anyone else whose good opinion matters to her.

She will be very angry I’m sure but this is the beginning of you fighting to end disrespectful activities.

Please read the information on this site as to plan A and B so that you can have a better understanding as to how you need to go forward.

Best of luck.
Coach

Bvantz,

I agree with the others about "staying for the sake of the children." It is impossible to "live as roommates" with someone that you love/loved. My husband and I lived like that for years, waiting for something to happen to change it. Neither of us wanting to break from the other. That is the one good thing that came out of the affair, it made us look at our feelings for eachother and what we really wanted from the other. Now we are finally a couple again and it makes me realize how hopeless the other situation was.

My children love that we are a couple now. They are young and had never seen us together in a loving way. They saw us as roommates and we were cordial but never affectionate. Now they have big smiles on their faces and giggle when Daddy kisses Mommy. Children shouldn't miss out on that.

You want the best for your children and having them grow up believing that parents grow to hate eachother will forever taint their belief in love and their ability to have a rewarding and loving relationship will be slim. Would you want to get married or commit to a relationship if you knew that it would eventually turn to hate and everyone would get hurt? I wouldn't. In my opinion it would be better to seperate and let them see you happy. They will know that you gave it your best shot and that you didn't give up at the first sign of trouble. You wouldn't be showing a sign of weakness, but strength.

It takes two to make a marriage. Hopefully, your wife will be able to come to terms with her anger with you and deal with the consequences of her actions and you can mend together.

Cathy