I was a poster on here two years ago when my wife had an affair.....Guess what? now im back.

Here is the story....its a long one....

In later 2000 i discovered that my wife was having an affair (not 100% sure if was EA or PA.. I think PA but she still denies it being that). This first one was with a trusted neighbor that was hired to paint our home. We were having the home painted because we were selling it to buy a new larger home. At the time we had 3 small girls.

The A was discoverd in Late november and was pretty much over by April. In the mean time we lost our buyers and we lost the home that we wanted to buy we also lost about 20K$ in downpayments and other fees. During hte A i was made to feel like im the bad guy and i was on anti-depressents. During this A i read RR by Dr. Phil as well as SAA.

In late may we had an accident in our home that took the life of our youngest daughter. She fell into the family pool and was in a coma for several days unitl we had to decide to take her off of life support. I am convinced that my daughter was sent to this earth to help me through that situation. She was only 2 1/2 but she seemed liked the only friend i had during that time.

PART 2


As traumatic as that is my mother in law's cancer progressed. My wife and i subsequently made up and rekindled our relationship. It wasnt the way it was before but it was good. We then found out that she was pregnant. Our son was born in April of 2003. In august of 2003 my mother in law passed away from the canser. This was very devastating to my wife. My wife is a twin and was never really close to her sister or father as she was to her mother.

The next several months were ok. In May of 2003 my business started to take a downturn and caused some financial problems. I dived into my problems and was very angry and distant.

This past July 4th weekend we went to my cousins upstate home where his firend (OM) and his firneds child was also staying. I started to suspect something between the OM and my W but didnt voice anything. I thought she could never do that again....yeah right.

Over the next couple of days i noticed more phone activity than normal and my wife started exhibiting more of the hatered behavior that she showed during the first A. I started to become more suspicious.

We had been having some issues and then i decided to take the kids to work with me. When I did she peaked my curiosity again by her percular questions and demeanor. I checked the phone records and saw an unusual number, called it and the person hung up on me.

I then confronted her and she denied it and even tried to call the number again while i was upstairs. We had an all out brwal. She said many hurtful things (im not IN love with you anymore, I dont want to hurt you, etc etc etc.)

She still denied the calls even when there was no one else in teh house that could have possibly made them. A couple of days of hell passed and she then said that she is willing to give our marraige one more try and that the calls have stopped. (stupid me # 1).

We then started working on things. Several days passed and her twin sister was here and i caught her using her sisters cell phone. I grabbed the phone and saw the same number. I called it again and another hang-up. I handed her the baby and asked her to come upstairs to talk to me. I did this without any anger or hatered.

I asked her to explain herself and she said she didnt know what to say. I told her that she needed to figure out what to do and she needed to leave after the kids went to bed.

She left and i gave her a hug and a kiss and she drove away to her fathers.

The next day her father called telling me that the affair was my fault. I listened to what he said and informed him of his daughters previous affair (which she hates me for doing).

She was gone for about a week and we kepta talking trhought. She swore on our daughters grave that she was not talking to him any more (stupid me #2). I decided to meet her for dinner so we can talk. As i was driving to meet her my cousin called and told me that he confronted the OM (his friend) and that they are still talking. I thanked him and went to dinner anyway.

I confronted her with his again and she of course denied it. She got very angry and said i didnt care about her because i didnt believe her. I told her that i knew because the OM said so and then she basicaly shut up.

On the way home i decided that if we ar egoing to work this out then we need to be in the same house and try. (Its amazing how i forgot everything i previously read in RR and SAA.)

I asked her to come back and she did the next day. (stupid me #3)

We then planned to go away for the weekend (alone) and work on things. For a week or two things were great....

LAst week she turned into the devil again acting the same. Anything i did or said was wrong and she was unleashing on the kids.

I have been feeling very anxious up unitl this point and we then had an argument this past sunday. She left to her sisters with the kids for dinner and i told her i would join her later.

After she left my chest was pounding and i couldnt breath so i checked myself into the ER with server chest pains. That was at 2:30pm. I was allowed to call her at about 3:15. I told her where i was and what had happened and then i had to hang up.....She didnt show up to the hosp unitl about 6:30-7pm. She claimed she was waiting for our sitter but there were 3 other adults in the home that could have watched the kids.

The next day in the hosp she called and told me that she was not coming to see me and sent my kids with my father to the hosp. Later that night she told me that she wasnt sure if she wanted to be married anymore. This is all while im hooked up to heart monitoring units and the like. The next day i found out that it wasnt my heart (broken hearts dont count). She never called that day i was discharged to ask me how i was doing nor did she come to the hosp to pick me up. When i got home she didnt even say hello.

So now i sit broken hearted and alone again. Back on the site hoping to find some people in the same boat to help me trough this.

Thanks for making it this far......please ....any help or suggestions.

*** more details ***


OM - three time looser that has multiple ex-wives and children with differnet woman.

WW- 36 years old. Heavy smoker who i believe has a drinking problem. recently lost her mother and her father is moving away.

ME- overachieveing business owner that has taken responsibility for what he has brought to the relationship. I have read SAA, RR and have totaly forgotten all i have read.

Kids, 9,7,1

Just a Husband,

I am so sorry that you are going through all of this again. I can't imagine having to go through an affair again. I really am not sure I could do it and I am positive that my marriage would not survive.

I wish the best for you. You have had so many curves thrown at you in the last several years. I can't imagine dealing with an affair, death of a child, and then another affair.

Is your wife trying to fill the void of your daughter's loss in some way? Not that that would be an excuse but there must be some reason she is doing what she does. There must be something going on that she is able to put someone back into hell, especially after being responsible for putting someone there.

Just a Husband

Hang in there, there are many of us. Going thru the same thing. Found out about my W and her A but have not outed her yet. My MC says wait buy time, A will end and then see if we can pick up the pieces. Well I'm not waiting much longer. She has said the same things, our wives are blinded by the OM and the newness of the relationship. Hang in there do the right thing take the high road and pray.
My first time to post a message and it is to someone who is also hurting.

Good luck
3 kids
married 16
found out 45 days ago

Thanks for the kind words. I am trying to cope as best i can. The xanax helps but makes me a little uneasy. last night she tried to goat me into a fight but im proud to say i was strong enough to hold off. In her mind, when we fight it justifys her actions.

Since her mother died and her father is moving away with another woman i think she feels she has lost all the male (father) figures. She is now turning to someone else.

There is no amount of pain that can equal the loss of a child so what ever **** she wants to deal i know i can take it. My personal angel will see to that.

I Hope the fog lifts soon.

JAH -

So sorry for all of your pain.

After reading that you suspect a drinking problem with your WW and the following:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">In her mind, when we fight it justifys her actions. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Pretty typical of an alcoholic. You might want to try Al-Anon if you believe she has a problem. It will help you detach and do an even better job of not getting pulled into the chaos and fights.

Hope things get better for you.

Take care.

sss

WW just said that she wants a separation. She said she is not leaving without the kids. I am not leaving either. At least not until we speak to a mediation specialist that can formulate a separation agreement.

She still denies the A.

I am heartbroken....i only have hope.

Sit tight mate and dont MOVE. My wife started this crap too not long ago, wanted to separate blah blah..... but some here reckon it was because in this case she felt guilty and wanted me to 'kick' her out.

Might be a bit of that in your W.. all the provocation etc justifies her behaviour I sure thats what behind this sort of thing. NO dont let the kids go with her, I dont reckon any spouse who is thinking her way, mine or yours is able to look after kids in this state of mind.

If she INSISTS on separation, maybe you should say if thats what you want ok, when do you want to leave? The kids & I will miss you. BUT hey get advice on this from the experts here, I'm new like you, but something like I said feels right to me.

See shes an adult who has to make adult decisions - right or wrong - BUT she should not be able to hurt the kids by ripping them up from their home nor getting you to leave them.

I hope she reconsiders, but if you try to argue her out of it use the argument of the MC anything else might just play into her current behaviour. e.g she will be able to manipulate you and upset you even more.

Another thing I have found out from here is that if she is serious about it, get to a lawyer right away and get temp custody of kids and right to dwell in the family home, or she will get it and an order for you to get out.
Remember, kids first, you & wife second.

I know this sort of thing sucks bad but you have to be prepared for the worst if she insists on separation. From what I have read here most judges will give this order to a woman right way, all she has to say is 'hes abusive'

Remember, according to all the experts here you are not dealing with your wife but an 'alien' who will hurt you while claimng she cares for you. Dont ask me to explain that one, I can only go by what I've read of many experiences here and they are all so much like yours its frightening. I think there really is a script out there that WW's read from, the words and actions are so much alike.

Keep to your guns mate, get to MC, maybe she will then accept IC too if there is a drinking problem or other deep seaed issues.
I'm hoping for you, listen to the experienced ones here, maybe get the Harleys to advise you, sounds like money well spent from what I can see.

Just a Husband

I am sorry for what you are going through...but for heavan sakes listen to aussie...

FIRST you need to protect your children and you...

What ever you do..don't let this woman get custody of those kids...

Anybody that would swear on their own daughters grave and lie in the next breathe..needs some serious help.

Thos kids need you..you are their only stability.. if she gets custody.. you will be powerless of who she drags those kids around.

I wish you and your children the best. If yu ever want to just talk... my email is: enordlee@hotamil.com

Thanks for the advice....all sounds good to me. I have already in counseling and have contacted legal advise. Havent talked in detail yet but i hope we can this week. Tomorrow even.

im not leaving and she isnt taking the kids. If it gets to that ill take the kids and leave. There is no current court order so its perfectly legal for me to take my kids and leave...On the same token she can do the same but i dont think she would. She cares more about herself right now than anything else.

My wife has also threatened to take the kids since my D-day around a month ago? The threat of separation and divorce has been aired but no action taken at this point. Can anybody tell us new people.. at what point should the lawyers get involved? A pre-emptive strike is a scary proposition.

just found out today that there has been text messaging going on....whats next smoke signals...

im starting the legal ball rolling today.!!

Hello,wish there were some magic juice, to see you through to 24 months from here. Your Angel, I cannot even try to approach the pain you and your wife and your two wonderful girls have experienced .

Reading those books was excellent, you did say you'd forgotten half of the stuff. Personal guess not an attack, if forgotten half the stuff, perhaps forgot to apply it consistently aswell.

Original things that lead to A may not have been addressed, or if addressed not protected against?Don't know for sure just a guess.

I know this is a cruel and difficult time without wishing to sound patronising I would love for you have the warmth of a heartfelt hug.

Seems like the work required originally was never properly put in - not blaming either - just a hopeful observation.

You both share the most extreme grief.

I do know that what initially turned my WS around was being on his own with our child, and recognising he was valuing himself above our child. It took him the realisation of losing child's love. Seeing child so dependent on father's love, and relying on father's approval for happiness, 4 year old at the time contorted himself into what ever Daddy wanted to please Daddy... very frightened child, took son two years to come back to confident idea that Daddy loves him, son still has doubts though when Daddy won't make eye contact or participate in play. Often asks if Daddy really loves him still. Note here Daddy never gave him any reason that he was aware of to doubt his love, child just saw and felt rejected, when Daddy was busy working or with his 'friends' all the time.

I hope life improves for you.

PS. on the home front keep your daughters in their own home, where they feel safe, there is enough loss in their young lives, the security of knowing they are in their own rooms, near their friends, school, people the have known all their young lives, is invaluable.

Couple of things:

1) What made the affair in 2000 end?

2) Realise you were both very busy grieving and trying to live, did you every actually address your relationship with each other?

3)Seems like wife is in deep deep fog off in fantasy land. Would you consider plan A?

4)Starting legal ball rolling???? Seems like you're gonna quit!!! You are a fighter a survivor, this I hope is a knee jerk reaction to this latest rejection. - I'll show her....just a thought....

5)Would it be prudent to seek the legal advice, then keep your counsel & knowledge to yourself - not serve papers etc. - that only ups the ante - for a time period that you can cope with say 3,6, 8 or 12 months - But Big BUTT <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Plan A your [censored] off for that period. You than have the confidence in the fact you can drop it at the time you have given knowing you did everything possible to make it right with your wife.

Ktulu

yes you are correct in saying that the proper plan was not carried out during recovery. My daughter passed as we began recovery and we both got side tracked...not an excuse...just reality.

couple of things.

1. the first A ended when om shared pictures of another neighbor with WW. She sensed problems with this for some reason and called me to tell me that we had a problem with this situation.

2. we did not address realtionship with eachother as much as we should have. I take complete responsibility for what i brought or didnt bring to the relationship but that still does not warrant an A.

3. Trying to plan A but she wont admit that there is a problem. I havent expsoed all that i know to her yet.

4. Its rolling. I am going to bone up on plan a.

She has asked for separation and she wants the kids. She has no where to go. im not going anywhere and i will not allow her to take the kids.

So it sounds like a "legal" plan b is necessary. What do you think?

My kids are going nuts. My eldest knows more than we think and she sees whats going on.