I discovered my wifes affair by cracking her secret email name freespiritboatluv which I now know means the first time they had sex was on a boat.

I knew for about five weeks and did not say anything because my WW and daughter were going on a vacation to NYC and I didnt want to ruin that for my kid. She was looking forward to it besides when they returned both kids were going to be at my in-laws for a week.

I have been suspicious for about 3 years and in denial for about 8 months. The funny thing is this didnt get sexual until about 6 weeks ago. It is deeply emotional though.

From what i had seen heard and gathered I knew it was bad and pretty much doomed myself to the divorce she had asked for five weeks ago. When I asked her if she was having an affair she said she was " too damaged to have a relationship for a long time ". I knew it was a lie and collected a lot of evidence quickly.

I expected her to bolt when i showed her the graphic emails but to my amazement she stood right there and confessed and even came home with me. She admitted to everything including the sex was miserable (he couldnt perform 2 of the 3 times) but she was deeply envovled emotionally because he provided her with everything I couldnt. I really could have cared less to hear the details of the sex but the emotional end was even worse. She had gradually shut me out over the last three years.

I have hung in there and supported her the last few days and have even felt some hope as she said she wants to work it out. However the totallity of this hit her yesterday when she quit her job (on her own) and left her lover. She is in withdrawl bad and it hurts me to see her so low. It also hurts to know why she is hurting. I am five weeks into "knowing and dealing" and am ready to move on. I am worried her withdrawl will be lenghty due to the tight bond. I want to show her i can be everything to her but i know it will do no good now. How can I help her get through this. Tonight we are writting the NC together but she has already told me it is hard and we may need to relocate. What do i do. i cant pick up my family and quit both jobs. i do want her back desperately but will not be played a fool again.

Consider yourself lucky if the OM was lousy in bed. My wife's OM was good (according to her). She will get over it-- I see good things for you!

How could you keep quiet for so long? Once I entered my wife's email and discovered the affair I exploded like Mount St. Helen!

Don't say nasty things about the OM. WWs hate that!

Check out the emotional needs questionnaire here and see if your wife will fill it out. Then you can start meeting those needs. I know it doesn't seem fair, but very necessary.

There is a lot of hope for your marriage. Very, very few WS's will quit their jobs. So it sounds like your wife is trying very hard.

Is the man married?

Also see if your wife will come here and read or post.

Other pluses are that she wants/is willing to write an NC letter and relocate elsewhere with you. I second the advice about the OM--don't say anything bad about him. Be her sounding board for venting her feelings. Be there for her if only as a silent partner. Emotionally it will bond her to you which will also be good for your M.

<small>[ August 26, 2004, 10:12 AM: Message edited by: SAB ]</small>