For the last 7+ years my husband has been seeing same OW, off and on, or at least having phone contact. When I discover the phone stuff, he lies, and, once again, I believe him. Now he tells me his relationship with her has evolved into a friendship. He admits if we divorce he would be with her. Since I don't feel I get the truth from him, which I have begged for, I try to talk with OW so I can figure what is going on, and she will not have anything to do with me. Then when he expounds on how she is not a bad person, etc, fun to be with, etc., I have a different view of that person. Plain and simple, she's a selfish *****. Not so to him. But just when we're ready to end it in divorce, have had three filed, now none, we seem to dismiss the divorce but not work on the marriage. I have begged him to tell me the truth, have begged him to divorce me because I can't divorce him (35 year marriage and I do still love him). Then he half-heartedly agrees not to talk with her and we go on living together but not actively working on marriage. I begged him for closure, because he does nothing to convince me he is really not seeing her. He won't go to counseling. Tried it and didn't like it. Totally ignores my need for OW closure or dissolution of marriage. This lack of helping me feel secure that he is not seeing her and his lack of focus on "us" is literally driving me crazy. Then I act out in inappropriate anger and he is again talking divorce but doing nothing. The last thing he said was he didn't think we had the "stuff" to stay married. I know he won't proceed forward on his own with finalizing a divorce, but I'll be damned if I will either. I feel he should put me out of my misery by divorcing me, but I won't divorce him. I still believe in our marriage. Any ideas?

Dear Panne,

I am sorry for all this drawn-out turmoil and pain you are experiencing. It is devastating. No doubt.

I think you have seen proof that what you are doing isn't working. Have you read Surviving an Affair? If you want to save your marrige, there is a plan there to end affairs. It basically involves exposing the affair in all its ugliness to the light of day.

Is the OW married? If she is, step one would be to tell her husband. Then you have an ally on your side and it will be more difficult for the two of them to continue seeing each other. If she's unmarried, you may need to widen the circle and tell her parents or his parents, friends, etc.

There is absolutely no room in a marriage for a third party. Keeping in any kind of contact with an affair partner is like leaving the door ajar. It's like keeping the embers of the fire going. It's just a matter of time before the fire is in full blaze. Such is the allure of secret affairs.

Best of luck to you, Panne.

Nat

My wife has been IMing and calling OM for around two years now and I am just finding that out here recently. She too lied about continuing to call OM after confrontation and has said (last night) she would go to him if we divorce. I too hate that word "friend" Panne. When was your D-day? Any children?