I am desperately looking to hear from fellow men who are dealing with their wife cheating on them. I would like to know how they are coping with it once she says that it is over. How do you begin to forgive and rebuild your marriage? Looking for success stories or just stories of others who are going through what I am going through.

Yeah, lots of us are here. Click on the link in my signature line to find out how to recover.

scdazed,,,

it truly amazes me and troubles me on how many betrayed husbands i see coming to this site.

There are quie a few of us...

First of all I would sugest you read up alot about what has happened and why it happened.
There is no hope of forgiveness until you get an understanding of her affair. There is no easy way of doing this,, for me it took alot of reading and coming to terms with how my wife was able to betray me.

Once you can understand why this struck your relationship you will begin to think more clearly about forgiveness. Do not expect your WW to give you the answer to why she did what she did. It is very common that once an affair is exposed the WS comes out of LA LA land and then and only then do they start to feel the repercutions of thier actions. This does not mean they will have a reason for you,, and most of the time when they do it is to put all the blame on you. I hope you realize her affair has nothing to do with you,, what I mean is that it is not your fault. I read that a number of wayward spouses were asked if they thought they would have cheated on a different man (say she married someone else) 90% replied they believe they still would have ended up having an affair.
Believe me I know an affair rips every drop of pride, esteem, and manly hood out of you, but it helps to understand that you alone were not the reason of the affair.

I wish I could tell you this is going to be easy but I am sorry it is very hard,,, and I mean hard.
First of all get rid of all the physical aspects, for it is well documented that a womans affair is hardly ever a result of the physical aspects, such as the sex. My wife had to be made to feel very good emotionaly before she would let him in her pants. I am sorry to say this but the Other Man usually fully understands this and can become the smoothest talking man she ever met. The OM has to lower the wife into a false sense of love or affection, combined with the everyday stresses of a marriage and an urge to relieve that stress a woman finds herself in the arms of another man.
All affairs differ in some way but for a wife who is not looking for an "exit affair" (an affair to end the marriage)this is usually the process.

This is something you must come to terms with. For me it was anything but easy. It cannot be done by yourself. Your WW will have to understand the damage she has inflicted upon you. She will have to make an effort every chance she can to assure you she loves you and truly regrets her mistake.
I would be divorced right now if it was not for my wifes effort and suffering she has, and still does display to me. It is just not as simple as "I am sorry" You have to see that she is sorry and if she truly is trust me you will see it.
While I sleep at night sometimes I still wakeup and see my wife just staring at me with tears in her eyes. If your wife and when your wife feels this way you might feel the urge to exploit it, for example saying hurtful things to her, such as "you should be sorry" or "if you loved me you would not have done this"... I wish I could tell you I did not say these things but I did. As a result I drove my wife into a state of depression.
When she is showing you she loves you and truly regrets her actions,,,HOLD HER more than likely you will both break down and cry over the hurt you both feel,, you have to hurt together!

You will make mistakes trust me. It is hard to control the anger and resentment of being betrayed. Remember forgiveness is not something you can make yourself feel it will take hurt, crying, and some mistakes to reach true forgiveness.
A trick I still use is to tell myself this is a challenge... I am being challenged by an outsider. Much like 2 bucks challenge each other over the rights to the Doe. BE A BETTER BUCK! You allready have the edge,,, she married you because she loves you. That is something this other man can not compete with. He is nothing more than an outsider. You do not beat him with violence. You beat him by showing your wife you are the better man,, the Husband and the protector of your family. The OM has allready shown his true colors.
He has no morals,,, and does not car if a woman is Married or not. A good Man does not persue a married woman. And like I said before with a wayward wife almost allways the other man has to persue her and keep persuing her.

I had a hard time last night,,,in the 4 months that have gone by since my wifes affair I have learned to deal with the TRIGGERS> when everything is fine and then in a moment your mind falls into nothing but thoughts of the affair, I hate when that happens, its so hard to tune the images out of your head, and I allways picture it with exagerration of what it really was. Triggers can tear your whole day down and keep you down for several more. For me I replace the images of her OM with me. Well last night it just would not help. I had to go to my secondary option and my last option and that is my WIFE. When the images and thoughts will not fade I run to her, hold her and feel her love for me, perhaps even make love to her. It may feel like you are using her and in a since you are, but trust me she is the only one who can get them damn thoughts out of your head. I speak from experience when I say "no other woman can do it for you" I tried like a dumb [censored] when me and my wife were separated. I tried to use someone else,,,,,Big mistake. Dont buy into the saying-> "the best thing for a damaged love is a new love" its total horse s_ _ t.

Kepp posting and asking your questions here for a good while, it helps so much to get the BH and The WW,s input.

any time you would like to talk, vent, or get advice the people here will respond very helpfully and aide in your journey toward forgiveness.

Hang tough,, you are about to discover just how strong your marriage is. You will discover it is only as strong as you and your wife make it.

<small>[ August 26, 2004, 03:12 PM: Message edited by: eric. n ]</small>

Here's mine.

SCdazed - Check over on the general questions forum, and look for the faithful husbands thread. The last time I counted, there were 50 men posting there.

Eric that was a magnificent post!

SCdazed:

I have been married for 30 years and never cheated on my wife. I was the only sexual partner my wife ever had. She cheated on me after 30 years with an OM who is inferior to me in every category I can think off: Height, looks (OM fat and I am thin), intelligence, education, values, income (OM even took money from my wife who does not work), ect, ect.

The OM called himself the beast as he could not believe my wife (the beauty) would go for him. He was an old classmate from school (elementary thru high school). When in school my wife never paid attention to the beast.

In any event the only advantage the OM had was that he knew how to sweet talk to women that have self-esteem issues. It is not your fault, some women with a tendency to stray will do so if they believe they don’t get attention. When they find someone who fills that need they lose their mind. It takes time and it also requires a cunning OM with no scruples to work on them. They build them up with love units and in the end the WW cannot escape the addition/

For some strange reason there is a need to use reverse psychology with the WW. Don’t say nasty things about the OM, don’t get upset with her or try question her motives. This will make her want the OM even more. Remember the OM will never say anything nasty about you the H. The OM will say he would never get mad at a wife who strays. The OM would say that he would have a talk to the wife and ask: “Where did I go wrong Honey?”. The OM is generally a guy who may be a scumbag, but will present himself as an outstanding man with high moral values. When the OM does his job correctly the WW thinks very highly of him and cannot see his obvious flaws.

Do as Eric said!

A loyal husband!

<small>[ August 26, 2004, 09:16 PM: Message edited by: Stanley568 ]</small>

Do check out the Loyal Husband Thread in GQII. And just for ref, her is the short version of my story:
my story

Wish you the best, with prayers,
T

Hi SC

yeah way too many of us here, I think many of us not too sure why or how.
But its good to have a few friends around here to talk to, swap ideas, vent etc when it gets bad.
Sorry to say welcome

<small>[ August 27, 2004, 09:56 AM: Message edited by: aussie2 ]</small>

"I wish I could tell you this is going to be easy but I am sorry it is very hard,,, and I mean hard....Please believe Eric's words. You've been invited to a very nasty experience. Unfortunately, this is not an invitation that any of us can decline (unfortunately).

My Saga

I am new to this forum and new to discussion boards altogether. Can somebody please explain to me step by step how to get to this "Loyal" or "Faithful Husbands" thread on GQII? I have looked back 15 days on the GQII and can't locate it.

Eric, magnificent post ! inspirtional. I pray my WW comes out of the fog as yours has.

Thanks for that post !

SCdazed - sadly, there ARE one or two of us Betrayed Husbands around the system. Some of us tend to "hang out" more on one forum and occasionally visit the others. I tend to spend the majority of my time on the Recovery Forum, especially since we are about 2.5 years into recovery now.

Any specific questions you have? Are you up to sharing your situation with us yet?

Let me caution you, though, there is NO "magic bullet" to end all the pain, suffering, and work that is needed to recover a marriage from infidelity. But if you are willing to do the hard work, you improve the chances of saving your marriage immesurably.

Mine went from an ongoing affair of 6 years duration and "hopeless" when we began, to essentially recovered and "in love" with each other after a little more than 2 years.

So, yes, there are many success stories here, as well as some where the marriages did not survive. But in ALL cases, the spouse who tried their best and learned what they could from their time here emerged as much better and stronger people, "refined by fire" as it were.

God bless.

I am in the same boat as you. With one exception. I just found out that my youngest daughter that I love with all of my heart is most likely the OM. Everyday, she is looking more and more like him. I hate it and I am dying inside. My W and I are still together and went to some counseling, but I am having a very difficult time. I spend most of my time wishing that I were dead or that they were. I am awakened at night by the images, (OH, the freaking images) of the together. I do not know if I am going to be able to handle this. And what is worse, we are supposed to be a Christian, church going family. I was even the youth pastor until I found out about this. My Bible tells me that if I cannot forgive him and her, that God cannot forgive me. It also says to pray for those that despitefully use you. I am afraid that I cannot do that. I wish thing were different. If it were not for my children who I dearly love and am loved by, I would leave and never come back to this area again. I am sorry that I cannot offer any advice, but a drowning man can not save another. Thanks for your post and putting up with mine.

SC

I am not a man. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> But I have been betrayed. I am almost three years past d-day. (the day you "find out") We have been at true recovery for 19 months. Thats not even as long as his affair was with the OW. (other woman) This site, and lots of books, and prayer saved our marriage. For some, their marriage doesn't get "saved". But this is still a great place to be. I am a better person now, because of what I learned.

Start by telling us about yourself, if you are ready. How long married? Children? Was the afair an EA (emotional affair) or PA(physical affair)? Then I'd reccommend "Surviving And Affair". AND "HIs Needs, Her Needs". Go read. Get informed, and start fighting for your marriage. Good luck and God Bless, SC. You have come to a great place. Although I am so sorry that you have found yourself here.

tSC

Alright….here goes… Here’s my story: This is really hard. I just found out about 6 weeks ago and things are getting a little better each day but I still can’t believe that it happened.

Well, I have been married for 2 years and 9 months. I am 29 and my wife is 7 years younger. We got married 2 Decembers ago when she was 19. We had met just 8 months before that and had fallen very much in love. We decided to go ahead and get married and have a small ceremony for just the family since that’s what we could afford at the time and we didn’t want to wait. We had been talking about getting married since about 2 months into the relationship. It felt right so we went through some very tough pre-marriage counseling with her pastor and got married that December about a week and a half before Christmas. We enjoyed a modest but romantic honeymoon in Savannah afterward. She was living at home with her parents at the time….very nice Christian people who just loved me. I had already moved in with her at her parent’s home a couple months before we got married while we were engaged. I guess her parents already kind of considered us married at that point.

Anyway, we had our fights and disagreements like any young couple does who are still learning to live together. I didn’t think anything of it though, since many I had talked to said that it was normal. Our good times far outnumbered the bad. It was hard living with her parents though since it was really like 2 families trying to exist in one house. Her mom was always giving her unsolicited advice on being a wife. She was attending a 2 year school at the time with the hopes of transferring into her dream four-year school the next fall. Well, she finally got her acceptance letter that February and we began making plans for our move. We were having normal 1st year marriage stuff but nothing that I really worried about. Once we moved into our own apartment, things got better. We still had some bad fights but we were doing ok.

Let me go backwards in my story for a bit and fill in some stuff. My wife had several relationships before she met me that were meaningful to her. Of course, everybody does. Anyways, when she was in 10th grade, she dated this guy for almost a year that she just liked ok. It was a casual relationship that I still don’t know why she stayed with but she eventually broke up with him. The guy would ignore her when she would come over to visit and even get up and leave to go hang out with his friends. Anyways, she would stay at his house because the guy had an uncle who was a little older at the time (22 or 23) that DID pay attention to her, and they would hang out and really became good friends. My future wife was 15 at the time so the uncle never pursued his attractiveness to her further than a friendship. At the time she liked him too, but never knew how much he liked her. And again, the age difference thing kept them from going any further. She has told me though that she liked being around him so much….that she continued the relationship with her boyfriend; just so she would have the opportunity to be around the uncle.

She eventually broke up with the boyfriend and then kinda forgot about the uncle because she had heard that he had gotten married and had a kid. Fast forward to a few months before my wife and I met. She ran into this uncle (let’s go ahead and call him OM) in town and started talking to him and catching up. She learned that he had caught his wife cheating on him and was getting a divorce. They quickly discovered that they still had feelings for each other and my wife was completely swept up in the moment after learning that he too had always had feelings for her. They ended up sleeping together but he told her afterwards that he wasn’t ready to have a relationship with her yet because he was still dealing with his divorce and child custody and all that. So they parted ways and didn’t talk for a while.

Now I come into the story. My future wife and I meet and we are struck with each other. I fell in love her very quickly and she fell for me very soon after that. You know this part of the story already.

Ok, so before we moved away, she ran into OM in Walmart one day. He came on to her and asked her out but she told him that she was married and that he was too late. He couldn’t believe it! He had his nephew (old boyfriend) call the house later that night to confirm that she really was married.

Fast forward again… We’ve been moved for a year and a half, married for 2 years and school is going well for my wife. We have bought a house and I am taking classes at her school, part time working on a masters. So we are both very busy and don’t have a whole lot of time with each other. She ran into OM while we are home for Christmas (again at Walmart) and they talk and catch up. He asked her how married life is and she tells him good…blah blah. Anyways, he asked her for her email address and thinking nothing about it, she gives it to him. She has said that she honestly just thought that he just wanted to keep in touch as friends.

So he emails her back this February or March. A very suggestive email saying he wished he could be with her again (sexually) and how much he thought about when they were together before. It was obviously not meant to be read by me. She was honest eventually, and about a week after she got it, she showed it to me. She said that it had shocked her and that she thought that it was completely out of character for him. I asked her to write him back and tell him that he was completely out of line and that she wouldn’t be friends with him if he was going to be like that. She said that she did. And then, that was it…..to my knowledge at the time. Since D-day (the day the affair was confessed) I have learned that that was not it. They continued to email back and forth for 2 months or so. He is involved in an unfulfilling long term relationship and she was giving him advice and apparently, she was filling the same way. They expressed that they both wished that their feelings could have had a chance and constantly daydreamed what could have been. Anyways, he asked her several times in emails if he could come see her. She was very unsure about that though and told him no.

At this time I knew something wasn’t quite right with us and our relationship but I thought it was something else. I just thought that WW was struggling with her own identify and who she wanted to be…believing in herself and all that. She withdrew from me and I withdrew from her, thinking that she needed space and that I should just be patient and she would come around. I absorbed myself with work and school because I didn’t feel needed by her. Little did I know that I was really making things worse by not trying to be close to her. It made it easier for her to look to be close to someone else. At the time when she really needed to feel love from me to defray her doubts about our marriage, I wasn’t there for her. I was stuck in a do nothing attitude because I thought she wanted space to figure things out. I was lazy with our relationship and stuck in the rut of routine.

About May or June (don’t know exactly…she says she can’t remember and I can’t look up incoming phone call records without legal documents) he called her one day when I was at work and she was not at school. He had gotten our home telephone # from my mother-in-law who he had run into him in town. All she knew was that him and my wife had been friends and didn’t think anything about giving him our telephone # number to call and catch up. She said that they talked for a long time about his relationship and her relationship and how they wished they could have been together. He asked to see her but she again told him she wasn’t sure and that she didn’t feel right about it. Well, he kept calling her like every other day and she eventually started calling him. She agreed to meet him at a mall somewhere in between so that they could just talk and spend the day together. She told me she was going shopping for the day which I believed with no problem. Spending time with OM filled the needs she had that I was unknowingly neglecting. He told her everything she wanted to hear and gave her the chase that she desired. She enjoyed the chase and felt wanted.

This led to her seeing OM three other times. They met secretly at a midway point one day at a hotel and slept together. She said that at first she didn’t really plan to take it that far, but that she just wanted to be held. But one thing led to another and she was swept up in the moment. She came home about 8:30 or so and told me she had been shopping and I believed it without question. Looking back, I can’t believe how naïve I was but it never crossed my mind that she would ever betray me like this. About a week later she was 2 days from having to start summer classes. It was late one evening and she told me that she had been thinking about him and had questions that she had to find closure for (I found out later, via her cell phone bill, that she had just talked to him for 45 minutes). She had to see him before her summer classes started because she would too busy after, and there was also a sense of urgency with the fact that OM had recently been called up for active duty in the Guard and was scheduled to go to Iraq 3 weeks later. I had no idea the depth of their affair or that they had slept together already. I just felt like this was in the way of our marriage and if she needed to see him in order to move on, I was reluctantly all for it. She came up with a plan to drive down to her home town and get a hotel room. Get up, go see her parents and “surprise” them by having lunch with them appearing to have driven 6 hours in one day just to have lunch, and then meet up with OM to talk, and then go home. Classes would start the next day.

I agreed to take her. She said that she wanted me with her, which baffled me at the time, but it gave me hope that this would soon be over. That was the hardest thing that I had ever done to that point. Like I said, I had no clue that she had already had a physical affair with him as well, or that she had talked to him as much as she had. I just thought that she had been unfaithful in an emotional way and she was trying to deal with that and move on. If I had known then, what I know now, I would never had agreed to being an accomplice to her affair. Anyway, the plan went off well. Her parents bought it and enjoyed lunch with us. He called to arrange meeting her after he got off work and she dropped me off at a truck stop to wait while she went to meet him. She was gone for almost 2 hours! That was the loneliest feeling I had ever felt. But remember, I had no idea how far it had gone already so that was just the tip of what was to come. When she got back, she got out and walked around to the passenger side and got in, waiting for me to jump in so we could leave to go home. She never said a word and did not look at me. She had warned me beforehand that she probably wouldn’t want to talk after so I shrugged it off. After about 15 minutes or so, she started talking to me and telling me that she still didn’t know…..if she wanted to be with me or him. She was confused and started listing off the pros in OM’s favor….qualities that he had and that I didn’t. I was hurt and got really defensive….then apologized and eventually asked her to decide when she was ready. I told her that I would wait for her to decide. She assured me that all they did was hug and no kiss, which I later found out was a lie. I told her that I needed her to not see or talk to him anymore but that I wanted her to decide that when she was ready. I wanted and deserved 100% of her heart. I said, “When you’re ready, I long for the day that you come to me and say that you don’t ever want to see him or talk to him again. But don’t tell me that until you are sure and you mean it. “ I asked to tell me if she talked to him or saw him and she agreed that she would.

He screwed up and called her once while I was home so I knew about that. But after taking her to see him, as far as I knew, she never talked to him or saw him. In fact, she came to me about a week after we got back and said that she had decided on me and that her feelings for him were over. Every night I counted down the days in my head till his ship out date to Iraq would be and the nightmare would be over. I wouldn’t have to worry anymore and then I would have a year and a half to work on my marriage and make her love me again.

About a week later I took her for a romantic getaway to a big city for a night and we had a really good time. I was really feeling positive and hopeful that we would be alright. Then, about 10 days later, 15 days or so after seeing him last, she called me one afternoon and said that she was going to study with some friends for her really hard test that she was going to have later that week. She said that she would be at their apartment and that they would be pulling an all nighter. I was surprised because she doesn’t like to spend the night without me much, but I admired her seeming dedication to getting a good grade in her class. So I told her that I would miss her but that I didn’t mind. After D-day I learned that she met OM again, spent the night with him, and had sex with him again. She told me this bit of info after her first confession. This is when I realized that it wasn’t a fling or a short thing but a full blown affair. I asked her why and she said that she wanted see what it would be like to spend the night with him. To be in his arms…to see how it felt. She said that it was like her final test to see if he was really worth throwing away her marriage with me. She said that the result of that night was that she knew afterwards that she did not want him and wanted me. I remember she came home that morning about 7am. I was still waking up in bed and she jumped on me all smiles and hugged and kissed me. After D-day she said that she had felt relief and joy over her decision to be with me.

A few days later she wrote him an email and told him that it was over and that she had screwed up. She said that she told him that she didn’t want to see him anymore. (This is what she says, but I never saw the email). (As you can see, I am having a terrible time trying to trust her again). After that she called him a couple more times to make sure that he got the email and then had no other contact with him. Her cell phone bill confirmed this. We had been starting to do nightly devotions a couple of weeks earlier in an effort to bring faith and spirituality back into our marriage. She had suggested it and I agreed. This apparently started after she came back from seeing OM the last time. About a week after final contact with OM we were reading a passage about keeping the marriage bed holy and clean. God spoke to my wife and told her it was time to reveal the whole affair to me….everything. She had almost convinced herself that it would be better never to tell me but God wouldn’t allow that. Slowly she started telling me bits and pieces….that she had seen him once at a mall that I hadn’t known about….I started to shake….she told me about talking to him on the phone and email…revealing contacts that she had hidden from me….I was trembling and in shock…then she started bawling and saying that she was going to hell over and over again….I reached out to her and said that it wasn’t true and asked her why she felt that way….that is when she told me that she had slept with him. I was mortified and in disbelief. But I told her that I wanted to forgive her but she had to promise me that she would not leave in fear. She has a tendency to take off when we fight or have conflict and I didn’t want her to do that now. I needed to be sure I knew where she was so I that I could try to trust her and wouldn’t think that she was with him. It was hard for her to promise that, but she did.

Two days later the cell phone bill came and that’s when I discovered his # and how much she talked to him. I called her at work and asked her about it. She was defensive and upset. I went and saw her at work and then she revealed about the second time when she spent the night with him. I was very upset that she had lied again by not telling me everything to begin with. She said that it had been hard and that she felt that all I needed to know was that she had cheated and not how many times. I told her that in order for her to regain my trust, I had to know all except for the intimate details. That is the only part that I haven’t asked her about. I figure what good would that be except to create even more vivid images of them together in my mind. But I have questioned her several times about the affair, looked at phone records over and over and I now know how long and how serious the affair really was. She said that she is really sorry and feels terrible and that she will never ever do it again. I want to believe her. But there is a nagging worry that OM will go after her again when he gets back from Iraq a year and a half from now.

About a week later after D-day, we went on our already planned vacation and had a good time kinda reconnecting and spending time together. We have continued our devotions and have worked on loving each other and filling each others needs. I ordered and I’ve read about half of “Surviving an Affair”. I have read a lot of scripture and a Christian book called “Total Forgiveness”. I didn’t sleep much for about 5 or 6 days after D-day so I read A LOT. Each day is getting a little easier. I am committed and my wife seems to be too. We want to fix what is wrong with our marriage and put this behind us. I didn’t know it was possible, but I seem to be falling in love with her again. I hope that she can fall in love with me again. She is trying. She is seeing a counselor about working on her issues of learning to love herself. She and I both know that she will never be able to love me fully until she learns to love herself.

We are going to try marriage counseling whenever she is ready but I’m not pushing it on her. I’m trying to be patient. I talk to God daily and I’m struggling with figuring out if I’ll ever be able to forgive OM for what he did. I believe I can forgive WW because I love her so completely, but how do you forgive someone you feel nothing for and who wronged you so deeply? I know that hating him will only continue to torture myself.

We don’t talk about the affair much unless it just happens to come up from one of the “triggers”. That Brad Paisley song “Whiskey Lullaby” is a killer for me. I had to go out of town last week for work for three days. It was going to take me by the hotel where it happened both times. I went to see it. I don’t know why, but I did. I got off at the exit, pulled into the hotel and circled it. I did it on the way to my conference, and on the way back. I convinced myself it was to face my fear, to face my trigger of that place….but honestly I think it was my sick way of dwelling on the affair…wallowing in self pity…..making my images more real. I don’t know.

Day by day, things are getting better though. We are closer now than we have been since we first started dating. The difference is that now we know each other a lot better. This has been the hardest thing that I’ve ever had to deal with but I am committed to sticking it out and saving our marriage. I do believe that I can forgive her….I do it every day each morning. But I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to forget. That old saying to forgive is to forget is not reality. Forgiveness is a choice. A choice we may have to make every day. But the rewards are worth it, I believe. I am still in the grieving stage right now…grieving for my untarnished marriage. I do it in private so as not throw it in the face of my wife. I have no one to talk to about this since talking about it would be betraying her. So I’m hoping that telling my story in this anonymous forum will relieve some of the burden that I carry. This is why I am SCdazed…..Your prayers and thoughts are welcome….

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">We are going to try marriage counseling whenever she is ready but I&#8217;m not pushing it on her. I&#8217;m trying to be patient. I talk to God daily and I&#8217;m struggling with figuring out if I&#8217;ll ever be able to forgive OM for what he did. I believe I can forgive WW because I love her so completely, but how do you forgive someone you feel nothing for and who wronged you so deeply? I know that hating him will only continue to torture myself. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">SCDazed - In my humble opinion, forgiveness of a fellow Christian is required by God IF, and only if, they confess and repent and seek your forgiveness. That is God's model. God forgives us of our sins when we confess and repent, not before. There is no such thing as a "blanket" forgiveness. By the same token, you don't "hate" the OM, you turn him over to God to let God handle him. But as far as your association with him, he is "dead", he is not welcome and no contact with this person for the rest of your lives is in order.

Joint Christian Marriage counseling with a person TRAINED in Christian Marriage counseling would be a very good thing for the two of you. If you'd like a link to a national organization of such counselors, let me know and I'll give you a link to their website where you can search for counselor in your area.

The next thing that I'd suggest you do is get a book called Torn Asunder by Dave Carder. You will both find some very valuable information in there. Needless to say, you are both at the beginning of recovery and you need to understand that the average recovery takes 2 years. So patience and commitment will be a key factor as you work through this mess.

Let me assure you that it can be done. But right now, if you two have not done so yet, you need to decide to willingly be obedient to God's commands, especially on the days when you might not "feel like it." Feelings are what have gotten you into this mess and you cannot let feelings control your recovery.

(((((SCDazed))))) Let me stress that your wife may still be suffering from withdrawal, so be watchful and be patient. Keep the focus on learning all you can about affairs and what you need to do to protect yourselves from the predators out there and the possibility of an affair in the future.

Your devotions together are a very good start. You will, with God's help, build a better and more loving marriage that honors God. As for your statement "She and I both know that she will never be able to love me fully until she learns to love herself", this is untrue. You learn to love someone by giving them all that they need, not by meeting your own needs.

This is the idea that God created when He made woman to be the helpmeet of man. Through mutually meeting each other's needs, through performing your God-given roles as husband and wife, through increasing your individual walks with Christ and becoming more Christ-like, you WILL grow closer to each other in both liking and loving. It IS God's promise to you as part of His being a part of your covenant of marriage. Remember, NOTHING is too hard or impossible for God.

God bless and comfort you both as you learn from this trial and surrender your lives to His keeping.

And for those dark days that are sure to come, lean on Philippians 4:13; "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." It is His PROMISE to you. And God keeps His promises.

Yes, I would like that link to the list of Trained Christian counselors that you spoke of please. Thank you for your incite and advice. I will take them to heart.

Here's the link:

National Association of Nouthetic Counselors

God bless and good luck in your search.