I have a situation that has stolen my sleep and trust. My wife met a guy in fla, who is a contractor. He was helping fix her dad's home (he was old and needed help). they became "friends" she says. We were having "marriage problems a year ago and I found out about him. I asked that she break the relationship and I told her I would not tolerate it especially since we had troubles and it could make things worse. She agreed (very reluctantly) to break it off. A year later I found out she lied. She still talks to the guy about 3 hours a month on her cell phone. She did this even while We were going to marriage councelling for a year now. In MANY ways our relationship is better but I am NOT happy, because now I am struggling with trust issues. I do not believe a married man or women should have a "friend" of the opposite sex that they spend time with when they are NOT with thier spouse. Especially a single person. I belive it leads to infidelity. I am ANGRY, HURT and feeling like I have been lied to. I feel Unimportant in our relationship. She says she loves me and needs a friend to talk to now and then. My wife says she will give it up if I force it but it is only because I am "Bullying" her and not because she wants to or feels it is wrong... though she is "sorry" about lying. I think she is "crazy" and lying to herself. Zig Zigler says that he does MANY things to avoid compromising his marriage. He will not even ride in a cab with another women so that he avoids putting himeself in the wrong place at the wrong time. This makes sense to me and I am now tortured emotionally. Is there another side to this I am missing? Should it be OK for her to have a relationship (not sexual...assuming it is not) with a single man that I do not know see or have any interest in as a friend? I am ok with the spouses of women who are our friends. But this to me is different and likely to cause trouble.
DrJR

Welcome to marriagebuilders. It is a great place to be under the circumstances. It sounds like your wife may be having an EA (emotional affair), although talking 3 hours a month is not bad, as these things go.

Check out the emotional needs questionnaire here and make sure you are meeting each others EN's.

Weekends are slow, so you might want to post on the General Questions forum. Also see if your wife will read here. MB has a great program for making your marriage better than ever.

My wife had "a male friend" and I was too scared to tell her to end it. It wasn't bad, just friendship. It turned into a physical affair.

Don't kid yourself, if she's lying then she knows it's wrong. Don't let yourself be bullied.

Good luck.

My H had a female "good friend." Yeah, right. EA for at least 1 year, has been PA for over a year. Before this, I would have said it was possible for a person to have a friend of the opposite sex. I will never believe that again, even though I have many men friends myself and feel no romantic attachment to any of them. I just love my H. No other man is even interesting to me. Several people have recommended a book "Not Just Friends." I can't remember who wrote it, but I want to read it myself if I can locate it. You might find it interesting, too. I am not experienced enough to give advice on this site, but I can advise you to read, read, read. There is good information in "Surviving An Affair" and "His Needs, Her Needs" by S Harley (available on this site.) If I could go back in time, I would have somehow put an end to my H's "friendship" before it became an EA or PA and saved my marriage sooner. As it is, it has gone on so long now, I feel my odds are not good. Do everything you can to IMMEDIATELY stop her contact with this man.

dj,

Most folks really don't realize the danger in having opposite sex friends until it's too late. Here is an EXCELLENT link to test for EAs from the late Shirley Glass...written to help evaluate the dangers of friendship. Her book "Not Just Friends" would be a really good read for you and your wife, and may help her understand your concerns without causing so much conflict.

Please check this out:

http://www.shirleyglass.com/quizfriendship.php

ofcorse,,,,,,

it is dangerous to have a friend of the opposite sex. No marriage counselor will tell you any different.

Actually my wife has still refused to sever all ties with her male friends even the ones she has had relationships in the past. I have requested that she end all of her so called friendships with other men. She is not making a very good effort to do that and while I am giving her time to get these other men out of our lives it could ultimately lead to our undoing.

My wife would freak if I told her I had lunch, or was even talking to another woman I claimed was a friend. I simply do not have any opposite sex friends that I have one on one contact with.

I even went as far to tell my wife that if I ever claimed I was talking to another woman on a regular basis as "just a friend" I am in truth admitting to an affair.

it is dangerous to have a friend of the opposite sex. No marriage counselor will tell you any different.
This is incorrect. There are many marriage counselors will tell you that you SHOULD have friends of the opposite sex and there is nothing wrong with it. It'll somehow "help you" to understand your mate better.

Chris,,,,,

Ok maybe so but I myself would not go to any marriage counselor who supported opposit sex friendships.
Why even give infidelity a chance,,, even Harley states it is not wise to confide or compare another woman to your mate,, so what since does it make for me to use an opposite sex friend to better understand my mate?

I agree.
I was simply commenting on the fact that some "marriage counselors" lack common sense (and/or are idiots). <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

A MC should help you to strengthen/recover your marriage, not just listen to you mumble about how crappy your relationship is and agree with everything you say.

If they cannot or will not do this, get a new one immediately.

I think I pretty much knew thats what you were saying.

From reading your posts in the past I did not feel you supported that advice. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Dave_2004__:
<strong> My wife had "a male friend" and I was too scared to tell her to end it. It wasn't bad, just friendship. It turned into a physical affair.

Don't kid yourself, if she's lying then she knows it's wrong. Don't let yourself be bullied.

Good luck. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thanks for the reply, Dave. She says she did not tell me because she knew I would not agree to it and she did not want to fight. She maintains it is not even an emotional relationship. She says she was even planning to bring it up in our councelling sessions. The shrink is on vacation for 4 weeks... 2 more to wait.

She has agreed not to talk to him anymore but I do not know how "permanent" that is as we had that agreement a year ago. I have been unable to sleep beause all I see is myself beating the crap out of him when I lie in bed trying to fall asleep, and it angers me. This is not a good thing and I am trying to trust her and sleep. She has never given me reason not to trust her, before.

I really want to call the guy and tell him I will kick his [censored] if he calls her again but I am not sure that is wise. I think It would make me feel better at least.

DrJr

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by johnh39:
<strong> Emotional Infidelity </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thanks for the article on emotional infidelity. I sent it to my wife by email with a "gentle" request that she read it so that we can communicate better. She reminds me of an alcoholic in the sense that you cannot communicate with an alcoholic until they recognize that they "may" be drinking too much. My wife says there is NOTHING going on in her communications with this man. She believes it is all in my head, not hers.
DrJr

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by star*fish:
<strong> dj,

Most folks really don't realize the danger in having opposite sex friends until it's too late. Here is an EXCELLENT link to test for EAs from the late Shirley Glass...written to help evaluate the dangers of friendship. Her book "Not Just Friends" would be a really good read for you and your wife, and may help her understand your concerns without causing so much conflict.

Please check this out:

http://www.shirleyglass.com/quizfriendship.php </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thanks for the reply. I did look at it and try to get my wife to complete it. As she did this (reluctantly) with me she chose all the answers to make her a saint. Then I asked her how it could be that she was not uncomfortable with sharing: her converstations with him, a video of their meetings etc... (the questions in the questionaire) and yet she had to keep the whole thing secret from me after promising to give it up a year ago? She got annoyed and walked away asking if I was trying to create distance.

You can lead a horse to water.........

Thanks for the idea.
DrJr

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by eric. n:
<strong> ofcorse,,,,,,

it is dangerous to have a friend of the opposite sex. No marriage counselor will tell you any different.

Actually my wife has still refused to sever all ties with her male friends even the ones she has had relationships in the past. I have requested that she end all of her so called friendships with other men. She is not making a very good effort to do that and while I am giving her time to get these other men out of our lives it could ultimately lead to our undoing.

My wife would freak if I told her I had lunch, or was even talking to another woman I claimed was a friend. I simply do not have any opposite sex friends that I have one on one contact with.

I even went as far to tell my wife that if I ever claimed I was talking to another woman on a regular basis as "just a friend" I am in truth admitting to an affair. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I believe this... but she does not so there is not real communication. Your wife does not want to break off her relationships because she probably does not see anything wrong with them.... anything that she WANTS to see anyway.

This is the problem alcoholics face, first is admitting that they are wrong (a big ego challenge) and secondly now figuring out WHY then wanted the relationship.... or what is missing in the marriage.

The last question is the fix for the whole thing. Once you know what is missing, you can provide it and she does not need to go elsewhere it would seem. The odd thing for me is that she says I do not listen to her enough, but I am available. I am willing to listen... I just suspect it is easier to talk to someone who is uninvolved and get nor "real" feedback.
DrJr

DRJR,,,

Since my wifes affair I have to accept that she can be persuaded to have an affair. The proof is in her actions. Her talking to another man actually ther are three of them in her cell phone.
She has had sex in the past with all of these guys (before me and her were an item) its just disrespectful to me as her husband. Did I allways feel like this? NO. I used to believe what my wife told me I trusted her and did not see these men as threats to my Marriage. She has made it perfectly clear to me that she would not like to see an old flames cell # in my phone. I respect that and would not even think about trying to make her accept it.

Why does this not apply to her. I mean come on she has past boyfriends in her cell phone that she does call and does receive calls from.

Is this something I should continue to accept?
I dont care if they truly are friends. I made a mistake once by believing my wife was just friends with the OM. Why in the world would I turn right around and do it again?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by eric. n:
<strong> DRJR,,,

Since my wifes affair I have to accept that she can be persuaded to have an affair. The proof is in her actions. Her talking to another man actually ther are three of them in her cell phone.
She has had sex in the past with all of these guys (before me and her were an item) its just disrespectful to me as her husband. Did I allways feel like this? NO. I used to believe what my wife told me I trusted her and did not see these men as threats to my Marriage. She has made it perfectly clear to me that she would not like to see an old flames cell # in my phone. I respect that and would not even think about trying to make her accept it.

Why does this not apply to her. I mean come on she has past boyfriends in her cell phone that she does call and does receive calls from.

Is this something I should continue to accept?
I dont care if they truly are friends. I made a mistake once by believing my wife was just friends with the OM. Why in the world would I turn right around and do it again? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't know the answers. I just know what I have read from others. It seems like it is NOT a good idea to keep in touch with old boy friends and girlfriends. It is even worse to start new ones, I believe. The challenge as I see it is that the idea of marriage is to develop trust and intimacy. This almost always (I believe) means going through some tension and growth in learning to communicate. For ex: One of you or both may come from a "crital" home and be critical without even knowing it. This makes communication LESS pleasant. It is much easier for the spouse to talk to a stranger as they have nothing vested in the realtionship and they can listen without much reaction as it means nothing to them. On the other hand when you and your spouse talk .... you can see and feel emotional implications and this is much harder. However it is is a two edged sword and the good side is that it gives you the opportunity for growth and greater intimacy and trust.

Here is the other side...... if your spouse continues to communicate with other "friends" you do NOT communicate, you do not develop intimacy and trust and your realationship is the loser.

All this said.... what do I know. It is just my opinion. I suggest you find someone with knowlege to talk to and read. My comments are just my thoughts and I am no expert on anything in this realm.
DrJr