I have 2 kids and physically seperated from my H (married 13 years). We are in the process of a divorce but neither of us are sure anymore. I started having an affair with a man at my office 2 years ago. At that time my H and I were having serious problems. He hid & lied about a chemical dependency for 4 years. We also had a 3some only one time which really hurt our relationship. And he has a tendency to ogle at other women when I am in the room. But he is a Wonderful loving father. And willing to seek help to save our marriage.
I am still involved with the OM and still have feelings for my H. One day I care more for one, the next, the other. I feel like I can't commit one way or another to which path I want to take. The most important thing is my kids. They seem to be well adjusted with us living apart, but sometimes I can see the pain in their eyes and it rips me to the core. Both my H and I have done a good job of keeping our anger and frustration away from them. But I know it still hurts them.
The OM just ended his marriage of 27 years, is madly in love w/me and wants to be with me. He is so many things that my H is not. He dotes on me, writes poetry, is kind and thoughtful. He's a very good man, wonderful lover and provider. I think I am in love with him but not sure 100%.
My H still loves me and wants to make us work and is willing to forgive me, but I am not sure that either of us can get passed all the pain.
I feel confused every day on what I should do. Afraid to make a decision because I don't want it to be the wrong one for me and for my kids. How do I know?
I have made an appointment for yet another counselor, but sometimes, they just sit and listen. I want someone to give me some answers and thought that I would try here and see what other people have experienced. HELP ME!

hi - Welcome to marriagebuilders. It is a great place to be.

I can tell you right now that your kids are being hurt by your actions. Kids from broken homes, no matter how well adjusted, suffer the rest of their lives.

As far as the other man being so wonderful, that is how they all start out. If you were to marry him, he would become just like your husband is.
And he can't be too wonderful to leave a wife of 27 years, and take up with a married women with a family.

Many people have used the information here to build a great marriage, much better than before the A. You can do that too. But the other man has to be completely out of the picture, or you will never regain your feelings back for your husband.

I know that is not what you want to hear, but it is the truth.

Believer, This IS what I want to hear... No one is telling me this. Everyone is telling me "do what you feel in your heart", but my heart is confused. Thank you for being so candid!

You might want to post on general questions, as weekends are very slow. I am the betrayed wife, but we do have lots of women here in your exact position.

I have a lot of sympathy for the other side. I have seen the terrible sacrifices that my husband's other woman has made. She left her home, and daughter to live with my husband.

I will warn you that it is extremely hard to have no contact with your lover. There are lots of women here going thru that, and it is NOT easy.

Good luck, and keep reading and posting.

The common (but erroneous) belief among people today is that when a marriage doesn't work out, it is because the two people involved were not "right for each other". That is one of the reasons so many affairs are involved in divorces - people believe that they have met someone who is right for them. However, those beliefs are not supported by the data. The majority of people who have affairs stay with their spouse, and after exposure and true recovery, they see their affair partner, who they once said was their "soul mate", in a different light, and frequently say that their spouse is their true soul mate"." The majority (70%-80%) of people who get divorced for any reason and remarry get divorced a second time, usually for root causes that are the same as their first divorce.

Taken together, this data suggests that the real cause of divorce is that people do not know how to have a great marriage, tell themselves it is their partners fault, and only discover too late that the reality is that the divorce was due to the lack of marriage skills on the part of BOTH partners.

Your affair partner has already proven that he does not know how to have a great marriage: his failed. If he did know how, he never would have been available to you to have an affair.

Oh, yeah...Did I mention that according to Pittman ("Private Lies"), out of 100 affairs, only about 3 spawn marriages that last even 5 years - and as for whether those marriages are any good - I question the quality of any marriage that is born out of lies, deceit, and the destruction of one or more families, where one or both partners have proven that they will not neccessarily keep their wedding vows.


I thought I had a pretty good idea what it took to have a good marriage: my parents have been married for over 40 years, and my wife called me "The Greatest Husband in the World". Then one day she told me about her three-year long affair, which essentially ended the day she told me. I found marriage builders, we read "Surviving An Affair", and I got my head straightened out about what it takes to have a good marriage.

It won't be easy to do the work required to develop the habits that you both need to have great marriage, but if you have to do the work, anyway, it should be with your children's father. Divorce will damage them in ways you can hardly imagine. If you went through with one before doing EVERYTHING you possibly could to stay together, you would regret it forever. As long as you have any contact with the OM, you have no chance.

As for the OM's divorce - that was his choice. He can get re-married to his first wife, if he wants. My brother-in-law did. Don't make it your problem.

So, tell your husband, buy "Survivng an Affair", and click on the link below to find out more about recovery.

What you have heard here is right.
Your kids will suffer. It doesn't matter who is right or wrong
I am going through a difficult time with my kids who 'hate' their mum for cheating not just on me but them.
At least that is the way they seem to see it.
I have done a lot of reading about this & it is showing that kids are affected right into their own relationship when they grow to adults.
So I guess my thoughts have changed on staying for children where there is a chance even a remote one on the M working in a reasonable fashion.
Of course that means no OM for you and no OM for my WW I guess.
Hope it works out.

We often feel that we have married the wrong person.....

how do we decide this?

even if we marry,,, say "the wrong person" and treat them right the person would feel right.

if we marry the right person and treat them wrong the spouse would feel like the wrong person... my point is,,, its all about how one spouse treats another that decides if they are right or wrong for us. There is no such thing as fate in a marriage. A marriage is based on actions. If we do wrong the marriage feels wrong,,, its that simple. When we are done wrong we feel we married someone who was never meant to be with us.

If both spouses treat each other right,, then both spouses feel they are right for each other.

Be careful how much faith you put into the term SOUL MATE. In all truth we make an individual our SOUL MATE.

JMO

MUB,
Think the kids are getting adjusted to it?
No, they are adjusting to hiding it.
I'm 30 yrs old. I'm still affected from my
parents divorce when I was a child. 10yrs old at the time. I won't get into all the details, but their divorce was considered a good thing. It doesn't matter.

I've never heard anything different from anyone I have ever known.

Also,
this "Do what you feel in your heart" approach isn't exactly the right way to make decisions.
First ya gotta use logic to determine if your decision is part of walking the good path. If it is, then you can involve emotions.
Anyone who makes their life altering decisions based on emotions only always ends up in the gutter, unless they get real, real lucky.