I have never had to post on any board before. But reading this board has been very helpful. I want more answers.


Its been 45 days since My wife told me of her affair. We had what seemed to be the perfect marriage, 13 years and two great children. I have worked many jobs in my life that were long hours, weekends, holidays. I took a job 4 years ago that allowed me to be home EVERY weekend but I had t otravel 6 to 9 night a month. We thought this was great I could make the soccer games and mow the grass when all the other people on the block did.

Well distance didn’t make the heart grow fonder. We got comfortable with our great life, friend’s family a great neighborhood always something to do and forgot about our marriage. We still had an active bedroom I thought all was good.

Then talk started about what I would say if she wanted to "try" another man. This was so out of character for her but I went along with it thinking it was just talk to make our night more enjoyable when we got home. Usually after this talk we went home and had great sex. I went along with the talk for 9 months. Then on what I think all call D DAY I asked the question "have you been with another man?" the reply was “ I want to plead the 5th”. Game Over. The talk had become a reality and I could not handle it. I dug my own hole on this one. I played along with the talk so I had to live with it. Then I asked WHO and How often. The WHO is killing me that it is someone that lives 10 houses away with his wife and new baby. ( the affair happened while his wife was pregnant). How often was answered 2 times. Then after reading many hours on the subject and many discussions with my wife she told me three. This was a set back in my mind but we are working through it.

My wife has stopped the affair and we are now working through all that comes with this discovery.

My questions are

Does anyone have to deal with living in the same community (same street) with the other guy?

All that I have read says to get away from the other guy. Should I move?

Is it the act of SEX that bothers us?

Why did she need him for the emotional support? Why didn’t she come to me?


I have not written all of my thoughts they are still jumbled in my head. This looks like a great forum to get answers or at least opinions and that is what I need. I can’t talk to anyone.

. I truly believe that this would not have happened had he not pursued my wife. He is known to have an “open” marriage. I made the mistake of not showing my wife the love and attention she needed. I thought that if I continued to earn $$$ so she wouldn’t have to work I was doing my job. How wrong I was. I am sorry for rambling. I am not very good and organizing my thoughts on this issue yet. I am sure I will post more.


I will share the email I sent to the other guy and his response.

My Email to Him three days after finding out:


Well I just experienced the worst day of my life. My Wife told me of the situation that has been going on and now I don't know what to do. You may not value Marriage or Friendship or being neighborly but I do. I want you to know that you have ruined my life as I know it. I want so much to ruin yours by telling Your Wife but that would cause more hurt to my Wife. I have not ruled out the possibility of telling your wife for the sake of my families recovery. I now can't sit on my porch or walk down the street without the fear of seeing you and bringing back all of these thoughts.

I find it hard to believe that you would choose to hunt in your own neighborhood for prey. The damage you have caused to my family will be life long. I hope but doubt that you feel any remorse.

I would appreciate if you would stay away from my family and refrain from driving on my street. I don't feel that this is too much to ask as you have given me a lifelong memory and torn my family apart forever.

I will never forgive you for what you have done. Nothing will be the same with my best friend again. I am trying real hard to forgive my wife for the sake of my children and the fact that I love her more than anything.

I hope this will change the way you operate and maybe save another family from the grief you have put mine in.

His response:

I am ashamed and remorseful. The experience did cause a change. There is no ongoing thing nor was there any motivation to pursue such a relationship.

I am truly sorry that my poor judgment has interfered with your life. I am sorry that my actions have jeopardized a budding relationship between our families. This alone will hurt my wife. Hind sight presents the clarity and profound nature of my actions.

I will respect your wishes and hope that this helps. I have taken too many liberties already and am too ashamed to ask for your forgiveness now. I have many feelings about my behavior, but do not believe that I deserve to share them. I am sorry for intruding into your life the way that I have.

If you wish to talk with me please call. I would be happy to meet with you. Email will prove to be slow and inefficient.

I am sorry for this burden.

travel,,,

The Om sounds just like my wifes OM,, yes they are sorry especially when they get caught.
There was opportunity to end this affair after the first encounter they chose not to do so. Im not saying bash him or your wife for this but I really do so appreciate the unfaithful spouse who strayes one time feels the regret and confesses all to the spouse. To me that shows remorse.

I also think it is a good sign that your wife answered you honestly when you asked. She probably decided to tell you and had to make you ask that question.

AS far as the outsider living down the road,,,Geeeesh. Thats going to be hard,, maybe at least a move out of the neighborhood would be wise.
My wifes OM lives in the same city and I know where he lives but at least I dont have to see that sucker everyday. That would totally destroy me. I would reall consider moving.

Is it the sex that bothers us?
To me it was at first I gave the OM way to much credit if you know what I mean. As time has gone by I tend to think of the emotions between the two of them.

Why didnt your wife come to you? I still dont know the answer to that one. If you ask your wife she will probably be trying to figure that one out as well. Alot of the times you get the first response out of her mouth,, like "you were not there" "I tried" "it just happened it was not planned"

You said the key words though,,,, you still love her. You want to repair your marriage. Despite what you may think you did to cause this please remember it was her ultimate decision to betray you. It sounds like your wife had a ego affair,, a wake up call so to speak. Now you two have to find out what went wrong and how she was able to make that terrible decision.
I am glad to see you come out of the shadows on this board It has also helped me so much to post my thoughts and feelings.

Tell his wife.

Move.

Click on the link in my signature line.

Oh yes,,,, thanks John


tell the wife!!!! by all means tell her,,,, maybe she will prompt the OM to move. It will also eliminate any relapses of the affair.

Travel,
I jumped over here from your response to my thread. I’m glad my story could give you some hope in the most confusing time of your life. I’ll try to offer some insight but please know I’m no expert, just someone who plodded through this.

First change that name, your no fool. Bad stuff happens to good people, both you and your W. Your not fools just humans.

Move, tell his W, is it the sex that bothers us, Why, why and why?

Moving is completely up to you, some say yes, I refused to sell my home, I wasn’t giving him the satisfaction. However, after 3 years we did sell for other reasons and I must say I don’t miss the haunts that I left in that house.

Tell his W, That is a tough one, and again it is something you have to choose for yourself. If they were still involved I would be first to tell you to spill it. Now that they are not I would just say consider all the ramifications of telling, consider your W, the neighbors, his W reaction, etc. Again, I personally never told today I have some regret for that but in not telling I was protecting my W and using it as leverage against continued contact. I.e. anymore contact and I spill the beans. You will struggle with this because as you go through the steps in recovering you will feel bad because the OM W has a right to know, you will be angry that he walks clean and your M is deeply affected.

I will say this, an open M is bull$hit, they don’t exist happily for very long, my guess is this was a line he used to downplay his and your W’s guilt. His W is clueless which is why he recommended you calling him rather than e-mailing. E-mail leaves a trace, phone calls don’t, he is scared!

Ultimately you do not have to make this decision today, there is no statute of limitations on this, you can wait until your M is on stronger ground to decide.

Is it the sex that bothers us?
Very much so for men, women also, but I believe men look at it differently. Three women talking about a common female friend who was cheated on call her H a pig.
Three men talking about a common male friend who was cheated on joke that he must stink in bed for her to run. Both are very wrong and both cause tremendous shame for the BS.

Having said that, no it is not only about the sex. We feel shame, betrayal, hurt over much more that the sex.

Why him? why this, why that. Some of the why question have no answers. Which is what makes learning what really causes A to happen so important. Read Travel, read all you can to get a grasp on some of the whys that really have no obvious answer from your W. Focus on fixing the whys she can answer, and while you’re at it be brutally honest with the shortcomings you may have felt in your M. Now is the time to create something better for both of you.

Hang in there,

Oz

P.S. Also learn to filter what you read from posters. Take what you can use, We've all either been in or are in a bad place and everyone means well, but not all applies to your M.

<small>[ August 31, 2004, 12:05 PM: Message edited by: oswald ]</small>

You think your having it hard now?

ohh...you just wait a year or 2.

Dont blame the OM, your wife wanted it WAY WAY before he came on to her.

3 times?, lies, it was every chance they could, trust me on that one.

Id tell the OM's wife and tell him to move out of the area or out of state You will not be able to ever forget who your wife really is but you dont need the penis down the steet to remind you even more. Remember your wife enjoyed the sex, thats why it happend more then once.

Having the OM around is like waving candy in front of a child. Take the candy away.

Bog:

You sound like a troll!

Travel:

My wife and I used the fantasy of her doing other men for many years before it became a reality. When she started the affair she would still use the fantasy while having sex with me. She probably thought, “If he only knew this stuff is now true” as we made love. Very ironic!

I think the type or quality of the OM has to do with opportunity. At some point when a man or a woman is in the right frame of mind to cheat they may not be very choosy as long as the opportunity to cheat is convenient. My wife’s OM is vastly inferior to me, but she eventually fell for the guy big time with his sweet talk and everything else. My wife freely admits she had a great time in bed and that is why she kept coming back for more. It is shocking to hear stuff like that, but remember sex is sex. My wife also admits that I give her the same or even better orgasms. The OM thought my wife was anorgasmic with me. The issue with the OM is that he is a new guy and a new person in bed is always very exciting when compared to a mate that has been around for many years.

My approach to the affair was as follows:

1. If you really like the idiot you can have him. I am divorcing you!

I know this may be the wrong approach according to MB, but she immediately dumped the OM and begged me not to divorce her.

However, three months later I know she is still in withdrawal and she freely admitted she would like to sleep with the OM again. Well at least she is honest and trying to follow the radical honesty thing. I told her again that I could leave her so she can have her OM (BTW, the OM lives in a very far away state). However, wife wants to be married and wants to make sure kids never find out. She has not made contact with OM as per our agreement. However, I often wonder if she is trying to manipulate me into an open marriage. We are having great sex now that I have become a victim of the sperm competition syndrome. However, I am getting some strange vibes from her regarding her desire for the OM. How long will this withdrawal last?

In any event------- I think it would be best if OM is not near the WW.

<small>[ September 01, 2004, 12:44 PM: Message edited by: Stanley568 ]</small>

Thank you all so much for responding to my post. As you can tell this is hard for me and it is still hard to believe that I can get help from strangers. But I have, Thanks for all the topics to think about.

So the new question is

How to you all handle being NUMB?

I am finding myself not having fun at any of the activities I used to enjoy soooo much. Going to parties, My Fantasy Football Draft any thing with a lot fo people around.

When do I start having FUN again?

Well, anti-D's will do the trick, and only take about 3 weeks to work. Get some.

I'm with you travel

3 months now for me since my W told me. Most of that time I have been so angry and hurt I haven't cared one way or the other if we split.
I guess I am still partially numb emotionally, I cant let her in, not to the smallest part of me yet...again I was told give it time

Because of my anger my w would not tell me any details, she was just resigned to leaving me & the kids, they are boy just about 17 & girl 18 in few short weeks. They found out and are very angry with their mum as well.....so the damage continues.

Yes she is remorseful, and wants to make amends, but she probably can't. What do you do to make amends, lket me cheat, cut a finger off, become a slave???? Nothing I want. I want the happiness she took from us as a family and that wont happen overnight I finally accepted yesterday.

Just this Friday I decided I would really try to restore our M, I have all the movies in my mind still too, like you I dont find enjoyment in the many things I used to, I dont trust her, I am trying to 'like' her again and working hard on forgiving.

Forgiving is very hard but as our MC said to me, forgiving is NOT giving up anger or hurt or pain, they are separate and will come as you learn the skills to deal with them, that was what she was there to help with, so I thought why not? as it was we were heading for sparation and I always have that option dont I?

So how do you get over the numb feelings? I dont have any quick ans I'm still finding my own way. However, I will say this, go to a pro marriage MC and start working both of you on this. Dont go through all the weeks of non productive pain like I did...get help now & read all the stuff here to. If you are looking for a good MC then I would recommend you look on the AAMFT website (American Assoc of Marriage and Family Therapists).

Like many I would suggest someone with a PhD as opposed to a M.S.W., L.C.S.W , I read somewhere that this was the main criteria for selecting a MC for a few people in our situation.
Through the website, you can apparently find many names for your area (you can do a zipcode search i believe). The person who advised this said they called and spoke to a number of them on the phone before they made any decision.

Hope you will find some good help and the strength to get through this. I vent here & it helps...means I dont say it to my w.

Travel,

I see you’ve had lotsa of good replies. I wanted to chime in here too because our stories have similarities.

My FWW and I have been married 13 years. D-Day was 2 months ago. We have 4 boys. I blame myself for getting lazy about showing my affections to her. She made a friend at work who (she thought) really cared about listening to her. He played it that way anyway. Long story short, he found the chance he was looking for after a night out “with the girls from work”. She gave him a ride home and he knew she was just drunk enough for… Anyway that only happened twice.

My story had a twist that you haven’t had to deal with. She got pregnant during that time.

She is sorry for all that and a little wiser. 100% committed to me and our boys. Like you we are working through all that.

We live ½ hour from OM, hardly on the same street. But they still work in the same general area and same shift. We are working on that problem still. I imagine things would be easier for you if there were some distance from xOM. Selling a house isn’t easy though. My FWW won’t be tempted back to OM. I know this to be true, so in my case I’m not that worried about our situation. No Contact is a good idea in a perfect situation, but I don’t have that luxury.

Yes it is the sex that bothered me! FWW didn’t have time to develop a very emotional relationship with dork. If she had told me that she was making time to visit him outside of work, I would have been irritated and ask that she stop. She didn’t though; she got naked and pregnant (obviously a byproduct of sex). 1st She’s not supposed to do that with anyone other than me until other arrangements have been made. 2nd We had sex after their little fling, so their cooties are now my cooties also. (after some tests, no cooties) 3rd She didn’t even enjoy it! She was just buzzed enough to forget to say no.

To your next question, Why didn’t she go to you for emotional support and all that other support as well. I will never understand that one. I actually knew that we needed a stronger marriage and was working towards that goal. She claims that she thought I was only there for the kids and not committed to her. I pointed out one thing after another I had done or said trying to build her up, or us up… DURING the same months! I guess she was looking for something and forgot to ask me if I had it.

Your e-mail to him was good I thought. I haven’t had a chance to even see our OM much less let him know what he’s done to us. I don’t think he’d care anyway. He got what he wanted.

I don’t feel numb anymore. I know what you’re talking about, but I can’t say when it went away. FWW and I have made it a point to make new memories to distance ourselves from the old ones. Over 13 years, we quit dating. It’s not easy for me, but I try to ditch the kids and get her away to be alone for a while. We don’t have to go out to dinner, just a walk in the park or drive to the lake.

I hope something in there helped…