I found out nearly 4 months ago that my H was having a PA with a MW. She has 2 children. We have 3 children. I had felt for a few months that something was wrong, had attempted on several occasions to get my H to tell me what was going on. The, I really pushed and he confessed. The A had been going on for nearly a year and a half.
Of course, I was devastated, but I forgave him. We went to MC, which was horribly painful. We went for 1 month, during which time my H kept commuicating with the OW, via phone and e-mail. I was completely opposed to this, but the therapist, a Psych PhD, stated is was too soon to make ultimatums, also stating that my H was in a 'bad place emotionally', and, IMO did not recommend strongly enough at all that communication be broken off. Then my H lapsed, saw her while out of town on business, and they spent the night together. He confessed immediately upon his return home. I was very upset and asked him to make a choice, me or the OW. He told me the choice was me, he loved me, was in love with me, wanted to make it work. We agreed all contact with the OW would cease. We stopped MC. We renewed our wedding vows. We went on two great trips. It seemed we were moving into a real recovery.
However, I noticed the same pained expressions on his face that were there before he initially disclosed the A. So, I spied. I feel very guilty about this. I read his e-mails. I learned he and the OW have resumed communication. Some of her e-mails detail how sad she is that she's lost him. OK, fine. But, the e-mail contined, including journal entries that I interpret as an EA. He is calling her 'Dearest'. He doesn't sign 'Love', but it's clear they are carrying on emotionally. I feel he - and we - are regressing. I have not confronted him yet about the e-communicating, as I am unomfortable about the spying. But, I have confronted him about my perceiving a change in his feelings. He says the A is over, admits to e-mailing 'rarely'. I told him this is breaking an important promise and is a betrayal. I am praying very hard over this and would appreciate suggestions

Hello,

It is absolutely essential that you inform the OW's husband. Otherwise you are enabling the affair to continue. If the roles were reversed, wouldn't you want to know?

Umm...How did you get into his e-mails?

Your first marriage counselor was incompetant, if what you say is true. Please click on the link in my signature line for some resources from people who know what they are doing.

Oh, yeah...Bryan is right. Tell her husband. Today.

<small>[ August 31, 2004, 07:39 AM: Message edited by: johnh39 ]</small>

Hi, and thanks for the replies. First, how did I read the e-mails? I knew his PW. He told me. Was that subconcious desire on his part for me to find out? Next, calling the OW'sH...this creeps me out. First, they live almost 1K miles away and they're unlisted. What about confronting my H with the truth that I read the e-mails. He has admitted to me that he has resumed the communication, but he isn't truthful about the frequency or the content. What about confronting the OW? I guess there are ways to get these #s, if necessary.

OK, I just called the OW...and hung up when she answered. I don't think I can call her H. Enabling? I don't think I agree. I plan to confront my H with the truth about reading the e-mails. And I am thinking of calling the OW (and saying my piece - not hanging up).I realize now how unrealistic we were to think we could solve everything in such a short period of time, less that 6 m, much less 1 yr. I've read on this site it takes 2 yrs to recover from an A. True? As far as MC, after the disastrous experience we had, my H refuses to go back. To anyone. Could the resources from MB be enough for us. I really do not want my M to end. I always thought an A was the kiss of death for a M, but I love him dearly, and would do anything to have this work out for us and our family. I know I cannot have an open relationship.

OK, I just called the OW...and hung up when she answered. I don't think I can call her H. Enabling? I don't think I agree. First, I do plan to confront my H with the truth about reading the e-mails. Second, I will call the OW (and say my piece - not hang up).I realize now how unrealistic we were to think we could solve everything in such a short period of time, less that 6 m, much less 1 yr. I've read on this site it takes 2 yrs to recover from an A. True? As far as MC, after the disastrous experience we had, my H refuses to go back. To anyone. Could the resources from MB be enough for us. I really do not want my M to end. I always thought an A was the kiss of death for a M, but I love him dearly, and would do anything to have this work out for us and our family. I know I cannot have an open relationship. We've been M for 20 yrs., faithfully for 18 1/2 yrs.

Why can't you tell her H? You would want him to tell you if the roles were reversed, wouldn't you? </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> A word about confronting the OP, when a WS is unwilling to end an affair on their own, because this question comes up a lot, and many people advise that you avoid confronting the OP, because discussions between BS’s and OP’s tend to be unhelpful and painful for the BS. I do not suggest having much of a discussion. I DO suggest confronting the OP, and also informing the OP’s spouse or girlfriend or boyfriend of what you know, if they have one. If the OP’s spouse/friend is likely to be violent, you may want to hold off on that exposure, but that is the only exception I know of, other than a message from God.

The confrontation of the OP is fairly important, and should be worded carefully. Given the emotional state you are probably in right after you learn of an affair, that usually means doing it by letter or email, or maybe a phone call. I do not recommend direct confrontations because of the strong temptation you may have to become physically violent.

Whatever method you use to communicate, say something like: “I love [spouse], and am trying to fix what is wrong with our marriage. I believe your relationship with [spouse] is interfering with our efforts to fix our marriage, and I would appreciate it if you would cease all contact with [spouse].” If you are CERTAIN it is a physical affair, you can use the word “affair”, instead of “relationship”. If you have children, you may also say that the OP is contributing to the destruction of a family.

They may laugh at you, but it is important to send that message, respectfully, for several reasons:

1. Because the OP may not know the WS is married. If that is the case, confronting the OP sometimes leads immediately to the end of the affair.
2. Because WS’s usually (almost always?) depict their spouse in a negative way to the OP. They say things like: “My wife doesn’t understand me” or “My husband won’t talk to me”, “My spouse is unconcerned about me and/or our marriage” or “We have an open relationship”, or something worse – you are crazy, controlling, cruel, etc. So, you need to confront the OP in a way that shows you at your best – not crazy, not unconcerned, not controlling, not angry, but rather calm, kind, purposeful, determined and concerned for your spouse and your relationship with them. When you do that, it introduces conflict into their relationship, because there is a conflict between what the OP experiences, and what they have been told.
3. Many WS’s and OP’s minimize the seriousness of their affairs with rationalizations like: “It’s only physical”, or, in the case of an Emotional Affair, “It’s just a close friendship” and “It’s not physical.” The language I have suggested avoids giving them a point to argue, and simply says it is hurting you.
4. In most cases, affairs grow in secret, and they die when exposed.


Remember that affairs are addictions. What happens when you try to take away an addict's fix? Frequently, they get angry. It is fairly common for a WS to get EXTREMELY angry when you expose their affair and confront the OP, and accuse you of trying to destroy them and your marriage and of being a horrible human being, so be prepared for an angry response. It is not a lovebuster, it is fighting for your marriage. You are doing nothing horrible. They are. You are fighting to save your marriage. They are destroying it. You are telling the truth. They are being deceitful. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

<small>[ August 31, 2004, 10:32 PM: Message edited by: johnh39 ]</small>

Thanks for the reply. I AM very concerned re confronting the OP. I know both from what my H told me, and from what I read in her e-mails, she has absolutely no guilt over the A. She is well aware that we've been M 20 yrs. have 3 kids, that my H experienced daily, crushing guilt over the A. She has no qualms over risking her own M of 22 yrs. (this was, at least, her 2nd A in her current M). Her H is aware of the PA that, I do believe, is over. I do not know if he is aware of the EA, which I believe resumed 2 wks. ago. That is partly why I hung up when I heard her voice. I honestly believe she will laugh at me. She just doesn't care. She wrote that explicitly in her e-mails. I did confront my H regarding the resumption of the EA. He says he doesn't know if he'll ever get over her, but he is committed to me, our M, and our F, he loves me, etc. I am in a bit of a quandary. What to do? Make an ultimatim? Go for counseling on my own, because he feels burnt(so do I) by our bad experience with MC? Invest in MB materials and try to do this on our own? I did ask him to stop all communications with the OW for 1 month, and work on some MB material. He didn't say yes or no, was silent. In that I had surgery this AM, I thought it best to let him process the matter, then re-address everything on the w/e.

re: counseling - unfortuneately, bad experiences are the norm. Did you read the links in my signature line link that pertain to counseling? It's under item # 2.

Yes, get "Survivng an Affair", read it together, and do the exercises. We were on chapter 5 or so by the time we saw a counselor and he said that that was why we were "headed in the right direction" by the time we saw him. Counseling is still recommended, with the caveat that you have to take the time to find a good counselor. I know that is hard, especially in your current mental state.

Thanks for the reply. I did read the links/comments re counseling. I do plan to "Surviving The Affair". I printed off the sample chapter and will start there this w/e with my H, with emphasis oon the 'ceasing all communication' piece. Of course, I am praying throughout the day - keeping the Lord busy! I have the # of a clerical counselor who is highly recommended.