Post deleted by jaguar

Lilybelle, honey,

Welcome. I am sorry you find yourself here and in such pain.

You write so eloquently. I think your writing will help you immensely in dealing with this heartache.

You ask if your pain is "valid". Of course you must know it is. Your writing screams the pain out for the world to hear. Your husband's affair may be ancient history to him, but to you it is news---terrible heartwrenching news.

Know, Lilybelle, that everything you've expressed I and many others unfortunately have also felt. But know, too, that your husband almost certainly didn't sleep with that woman to hurt you. He kept his secret for all this time to save you from being hurt (in his mind).

Read all you can on this website. Visit your library or the bookstore to find some help with this. And call a marriage counsellor. This is a huge blow to you and your marriage. You need help recovering from it.

I wish you all the best,

Nat

Click on the link below for the path to recovery. There are no time limits. Your reaction is completely normal.

The brain has a funny way of making the movies or random thoughts in your head become real-time. No matter that it happened 14 years ago, it’s fresh in your minds eye and your pain is real and valid.

Read, Read, Read. Knowledge is power and is very helpful to surviving.
My recommendations are “Surviving Affair” available here, and or “Torn Asunder” by Tom Carder, available at Amazon.

Hang in there,

Oz

Post deleted by jaguar

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know youn are all in more immediate pain. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Lilybelle, it sounds to me like your pain is much more immediate than mine is and my D-Day (discovery day or the day I found out about the affair) was almost two years ago. It makes little difference when the affair took place. As you know, the betrayal and pain are the same.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He told our counselor he was there only to help me, that he ended the Affair years ago, he was fine. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Did he uncover the flaw in his character that led him down the path to betrayal? Did he determine "why" he did what he did? I don't want to upset you, but are you sure this is the only affair he's had? How did you find out about this one?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have to give up the hope of a better past. This is My Marriage.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No, you can not change the past. And acceptance of that, incorporating your husband's past unfaithfulness is part of recovery. But you can have a better marriage. Especially now that he has come clean and you can recover from a place of honesty.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He did this to me and I have to pay to save my marriage.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You know, it's helped me to realize that my husband didn't do this to me. He really did it for him. And to himself.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He gets it all...the hot affair and the pat on the back for doing the right thing after the fact. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He also gets to look in the mirror and know he's caused this much hurt to the person he loves most. He gets to look in the eyes of an adulterer. He gets to look in his daughter's eyes and think how he betrayed his wife and family when she was growing inside you. He gets to feel the shame of betraying you, God's laws and himself. In spite of the pain, if I had to have a role in this terrible little drama of infidelity, I would choose that of betrayed spouse...I may not have been the perfect wife, but I kept my vows.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> AND THE ONLY WAY TO FIX IT IS TO FORGIVE THE SCHMUCK AND GET OVER IT. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I wish it were that simple. But there is a plan right here on this site to help you fix it. Have you read it?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">HE ENGINEERED IT SO HE COULD DO IT AND MAKE ME LOOK BAD. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Again, I think you give him too much credit/discredit. He probably wasn't thinking very much at all.

I hope I've helped in some way, Lilybelle. The terrible pain you are going through is normal and it does ease up as time goes by. Hang in there. I never thought I'd get over my H's betrayal, never thought I'd have a day when I didn't think about it but I'm there now. Have been for the last eight months.

Take good care of yourself at this time. Nurture yourself. You have a terrible wound to recover from. If you can, let your husband help you when you are in pain. Tell him what he can do to help (hold you, reassure you, etc...) It will bring you closer together.

Take care,
Nat

Lilybelle---

How are things going? Better, I hope....

Nat

Yes, your pain is valid.

I confronted my H last month about online affairs which apparently were also PA's. He denied that they had become physical, but when I asked the direct question, "Have you ever slept with anyone else?" he confessed to a one-night stand 3 years ago, with a coworker.

The bad thing is, at the moment, that confession didn't seem bad at all compared to what I had been thinking the past few days- that he was currently involved in multiple affairs (and I still think he may be- I just can't prove anything further).

Now that I am past D-Day, however, I've had time to think about his confession, and I feel the most indescribable pain and sense of betrayal. I also feel like a fool because for the past three years I have had no clue- I never suspected my H of cheating on me until a couple of months ago. I keep thinking back to the time period when this ONS took place- fall 2001- and I recall things we did, events that took place around that time, and feel like SUCH a fool (although I know I have no reason to feel bad, it's a natural response to something like this). We had been married only a little over a year at that time, and I still thought everything was absolutely wonderful.

Looking back, though, now that I know about his one-night-stand, I can pinpoint changes I started to see in him that fall- changes which persisted and became more dramatic as time passed. I truly think that ONS was the beginning of our marital problems, although I knew nothing about it at the time.

Multiple times every day, images of him with her will pop into my head (I never met her, that I know of, so I don't know what she looked like). I try not to think about it, but it's hard not to.

I know H doesn't realize what I'm going through- for him, it's "ancient history". But it's not for me, and finding out about it years after the fact might even be worse, because like I said before, I feel like a fool, and feel angry for being kept in the dark for so long.

So- I understand exactly what you're going through, and what you're feeling. But at least you have the opportunity to work through things. My husband decided our marriage wasn't worth working on. Just accept the way you feel, try to deal with it, and know that eventually, with hard work on your part as well as his, you can get past it and have a wonderful marriage. Hang in there! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Oh my this just happen to me with in the last month I had thought that something was going on with my H and Neighbor 10 years ago then I was carring my youngest but just did not want to see it at the time. But H confessed just 3 weeks ago and H says it was mistake and that I should just forget it. It is old and he has taken 10 years to forget it there is alot more but to much to go into here. But the thing said here are just what I feel. So how do I get over and forget.

My wife had affairs ten years ago. The thing to remeber is that it is fresh for you, as if it happened yesterday. You must now deal with the underlying affair and the decade of lying that occurred between then and now. Sometimes affairs that are older seem harder to deal with because it is more difficult to understand why it happened and because of the intervening years of deciet and lying.

Bumping this up for InFaith to read.

It is hard because I keep tring to remember what was going on then. What was I doing How did I feel then It is harder to deal with the lying for so long. But then you think of the good times for the ten years.