I want to give an update for those old timers that have followed my story, and offer some hope to everyone here. I have been through the whole process.. It was Thanksgiving of last year that my husbands affair started. I have been in plan A, plan B, have seen withdrawal of my h's at its worst, seen my h move in with ow and sign a lease to an appt.. We also discussed divorce a money settlement and who gets what furniture.... I am here to say that there is hope for everyone... Because we are making it, and I honestly never believed it could happen...<P>In short for those who do not know my story. My h had the worse kind of affair,, the romantic one,, yes, in love with ow etc, said he loved me but wasnt in love etc. My h's affair started 11/98. I discovered it 3/99 (pre harley) 3 weeks after discovery I kicked him out because I found out he was with ow again. I planned to divorce him. He moved in with and signed a lease on apt with ow (I didnt know it but found out later). About a week or 2 after he was out of the house, he began calling me on my pager and he would cry and say he knew he screwed up.. He would leave me notes at the house when he came to pick up bills and tell me he still loved me.. I really didnt respond much to him.. I was confused.... <BR>THEN, I did the best thing I could have ever done... I picked up a copy of Surviving an Affair, and found this website... For the first time, I actually understood some things, and had hope.... Since it was very difficult for me to see or talk with my h because he was living with ow (it hurt too much),, I wrote him a plan B letter.. I also changed my pager number so he couldnt leave me messages crying (those killed me). After 2 months of him being out of the house and me really not contacting him (unknowingly plan B), and 3 weeks in a strict plan B.. My H wrote me a letter and told me he wanted me back and he was serious... I still was gun shy at taking him back and didnt respond to his note.. That really freaked him out and he wrote me another...<BR>I paged h and told him to call me if and only if he was serious about cutting off his contact with ow and working hard on our marriage.<BR>I got the phone call I was hoping for. We met that night and my H was telling me all sorts of stuff.. He wanted to go to a church retreat, he would go to counseling, he owed me his life, he will always remember that I had stuck by my side.....I thought to myself,, Oh my God,,, its a miracle ... hes cured, he is over her,, he knew he screwed up and life is good... He told me he would break the lease with ow, and on our wedding anniversary, (June 8th), he moved home while I was in Chicago on business..<P>I was so happy! I posted here and said,,Its a miracle he is home... And I thought all would be good. Well,,,,,I found out,, it takes time,,, and these types of affairs take time to end and they need to run their course. Easy for me to type here and tell you...Difficult to live.. I mean DIFFICULT... <BR>I posted here quite often back then trying to help others, when my situation unknowingly wasnt over with. Everything was going good, and then in August I found evidence he had seen he again.. DEVISTATION, pain and everything all over again. I thought we were making progress, I had so much hope... I would give my h reading material, he posted here once, I tried everything.. My h cried to me and held me and while he was crying he said he needed someone to help him,, he was desperate. He didnt want to live the life he was living, but couldnt stop. He did not want to lose his wife, his home, his family, his respect, his friends.....BUT HE COULDNT STOP!!!! And it was the saddest thing to see. I watched the person I loved the most in my life cry and cry and try everything to quit seeing ow, but he couldnt stop,, and there was nothing I could do.. I tried everything...<P>We went on vacation and had a good time. When we got back, I started to see for the first time in a YEAR, small little signs of my old h.. He would call me honey, or give me a hug.. Something that little was progress, as I had got absolutely nothing back from him for 1 year. H even told me that he was finally starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel.....and he knew his future was with me!!!! I started to get hopeful again..<BR>THEN......Another bomb......My h came home and told me OW had just bought a house around the corner from us on purpose!! I was sick.. I mean, I almost got physically sick... We decided to try to stay here to see how it would go. (We just built our brand new dream home, and it isnt financially conducive to move right away)..Plus this is the area we always wanted to live in.<P>So we tried.. H went about a good 3 weeks, then Whammo... Evidence he had seen her again.. I was crushed.. I cried... Then he went about another 3 weeks,,,,then whammo.. Again,,, I caught him....... For me,,, this was getting near then end for me.. I was trying plan A approach, and was seriously considering plan B.. But I met Kat1 from this site and began writing her private email.. She helped me with patience, and many of you on here helped me a lot. I do not post a lot, but I read every day..<P>I am now here to say that I think my H is almost through this... We are selling our home now and moving away from ow (1/2 hr.). From what I have heard H and the ow about have finally realized the relationship would never amount to anything. Ow now is dating, and h seems to be the best he has ever been.. <P>He talks to me.. He kisses me, he tells me he loves me,, Our christmas was awesome.. He got me special things like he always used to.. and treated me like a queeen..<P>I think ow true colors started to show also..<BR>It just takes time.. And you will need the patience or it may not work..I can say now that I believe we are finally into recovery, and we will beat this thing.. We are gonna make it.<P>This post is for all of you that never could believe that you spouse could come around.. Mine did,,, full circle,,, and I was just like you... I thought, awe,, that just happens to the lucky ones... Well that isnt so.. That happens to the people that educate themselves on this.... I would never have understood this without reading, and I would never have had the patience without this site, and without people that have never been there.. My h said the same.. H didnt want to talk with a counselor.. H needed to talk to people like freedom and airheart who knows exactly how he feels and have been there.<P>I have some thank yous... First of all, I thank God.. I prayed daily and he has helped guide me through this ordeal no matter how it was going to turn out..<P>My heartfelt thanks to Kat1, Freedom, Airheart!!!!!! You guys will never know the good you have done and the lives you have touched by helping me and my husband... You all took the extra time to help us on the side, and we will never forget it... We still need ya,, but we wanted to thank you!!<P>There are many others on this site that have helped, some oldtimers, some new. Chris,, HG Brawner, Samantha, Bev1234, and many others I am forgetting..<P>You can do it if I did.. The ordeal lasted over a year... Sometimes it will feel as though you have to swallow your pride and it will really bother you,, but it is worth it..<P>Take care to everyone, Good luck and God Bless!!<P><BR>

mickey65,<P>What a story! WHEW! You have been throught he wringer and out the other side. GREAT that you guys have really reconnected and things are finally clicking for you.<P>Sharing your happiness and wishing you more of the same....<P>Roll Me Away<P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

Wow. A story with a happy ending. I am happy for you and wish you the best of luck. You seem to be a strong and amazing woman. Appearently faith can move mountians after all. You just have to do it one rock at a time, with your hands and your heart.

Thanks for your letter of hope.. I too have read not only Harley's book but many more and I know this takes time. All my friends think I'm crazy and should give up, I know even if our divorce is finalized that he may still wake up, however I no longer hold that thought if he doesn't come home I won't make it, I will! Christmas was a big stepping stone for me, knowing he was taking my kids and her to all his family things, but guess what? I made it. Little things I have heard thru the grapevine indicate things aren't rosie across town and as time goes on I'm sure things will only get worse. But, as each day goes by I feel more and more confident of myself and that I have learned a lot from this experience (even though it is far from over). I do hope though I never have to experience this time of learning lesson again. To all, chins up... you are a great support system.

Thanks for your letter of hope.. I too have read not only Harley's book but many more and I know this takes time. All my friends think I'm crazy and should give up, I know even if our divorce is finalized that he may still wake up, however I no longer hold that thought if he doesn't come home I won't make it, I will! Christmas was a big stepping stone for me, knowing he was taking my kids and her to all his family things, but guess what? I made it. Little things I have heard thru the grapevine indicate things aren't rosie across town and as time goes on I'm sure things will only get worse. But, as each day goes by I feel more and more confident of myself and that I have learned a lot from this experience (even though it is far from over). I do hope though I never have to experience this time of learning lesson again. To all, chins up... you are a great support system.

Mickey,<P>Thank you for the best Christmas present of all, this year. Hope. You are truly amazing! May God be with you and your wonderful family.

Biggest things I have learned:<P>1) Praying and going to Church helped me a lot.<BR>2) You cannot do this for them.. They need to figure out that it wont work on there own. Just be there for them, make home a safe place, and NO LOVEBUSTERS.. Really folks, everytime I lovebusted, which was not often, and only when I knew he saw the OW, it sent him the other way toward ow.. H thought I was snooping or checking.. He didnt like the fact that I didnt trust him. (I know, doesnt make sense).. Now, everytime you begin to think about lovebusting this is what saved me... Remember,,, ow is sitting over at her house just waiting for you to lovebust so it will send your spouse in there direction.. That was enough to make me not lovebust,, thinking that she wanted me to...!! I sat back and let her freak out every or anytime my h couldnt see her or wouldnt leave me.. Let her do it folks,,its a waiting game.<P>3) Educate yourself as much on affairs as you possibly can.. My recommendations: Surviving an Affair; Private Lies; After the Affair are 3 of my favorites.. If your spouse is willing to read at all,, highlight some of the book that you like, and leave it for him,, dont force it,, just show him and in time they may read it.. Especially chapt. 13 of Private lies.. Your spouse needs to know that the chances of his/her affair to be a successful relationship are rare.. But they need to read it.. If you tell them, they think you are just jealous and preaching,, etc. etc..<P>4) Only talk to freinds that either are supportive, or that have been through this ordeal.. None of my closest friends have been through this.. They all could not understand it, and wanted me to ditch my h.. But the fact of the matter is, until they have walked a mile in your shoes,, they will NEVER understand infidelity or what we are going through.. I never did until it happend to me.. On the flip side,, if your spouse can find someone that has been in his shoes to talk to that can understand,, it will help. We had a friend that was excellent for my h to talk with.. H reached out to him a few times and it helped. Freedom was the person who finally helped my h get over the hump. He and my h emailed each other and still do quite a bit.<P>5) The last time my h sent me down the roller coaster.. I started to let go... I really began giving him a lot of space and basically didnt have a lot of hope at this point... I was inside, planning on maybe leaving him, a plan B first, but I was starting to plan for what life was going to be like without him.. Giving him space helped him get through this...<P>If anyone needs help,, please reach out,,, I am always willing to listen.

RMA, Nonplused, CBS, Sidney:<P>Your welcome for posting my story! Yes I have been through the ringer,,, but as Nonplused said,, Faith really can move mountains.. <BR>RMA and Sidney.. How are your situations going? I always read your posts... Am curious about things... One thing Kat1 taught me too, and I learned on my own,, that kept me in plan A and kept me going was,,,as long as I was seeing progress in my h,,, however the slightest,, it kept me going,, I had to expect the setbacks,, and not give in to it.. It was baby steps and still is... Believe me... many times I wanted to throw in the towel,, Kat1 helped me..<P>CBS-- Sounds like things could be turning for you also,,, it usually is the case,, just takes time for them to work through it.. <P>Nonplused: Sounds like you have things going for you in the right direction no matter what happens... Good for you!! Thank you all for responding to my post! <p>[This message has been edited by mickey65 (edited December 27, 1999).]

Hi Mickey. I have alot of questions, Is it possible to meet at talkcity.com on Mon. Infidelity "chat" room. I think things are starting to turn around for me too, and I just don't want to blow it?<BR>Tyra71 on chat is my name. Thanks

What time will you be on the chat line? Otherwise if I miss you,, you can write me at PNAGEL@steelcase.com anytime..

Hi my friend !<P>I'm glad to read a hope post from you, and I'm also glad that I was able to help in any way, that's the reason I keep coming here now. When it happened with me, I just wished and wished that I could see or read something that would give me some hope. Unfortunately I didn't know about this forum yet, so I had to do without. Having a chance to give some hope and maybe help someone in the same circumstances is my goal.<BR>By the way, I understand a certain fear of posting something positive, I rememebr when I first start posting here, I was all happy and thinking everything was o.k. and there were still some issues pending kind of thing, and one or two times things got a bit worse. But you guys seem to be doing fine. I'm happy for you.<BR>Lots of hugs<BR>Kat<P>------------------<BR>Each and everyone of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought, and the gift of understanding.

mickey65,<P>Thanks for asking. How is my situation?<P>Here it is: My H has been gone about 10 1/2 weeks now. He sees the OW in FL weekly. He never calls me. He sees me sporatically when he pops over. We had a date a couple weeks ago which was GREAT, but he has not followed up on it. We had a talk on two days last week - on Tuesday he told me he had "picked" the OW, was in love with her and we were headed for divorce. On Wednesday, he came over and said he does not want a divorce right now - does not want me to file and he is not planning on filing. We briefly discussed some "mediated talks" as he won't go to counseling. He told me to talk to Steve Harley (which I did the next day) aabout the mediated talks and he would call me. I have not heard from him..no Christmas card, no gift, no call and no e-mail. He spent all the holidays with the OW - she came here to Atlanta. I am confused and hurt and depressed. I have no idea what to do about anything, anymore. This is my situation....<P>Roll Me Away<P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>