I need some advice. My wife recently told me that she is no longer in love with me. She says this has been going on for about 6-12 months. I admit that we have become distant recently and have lost the "thrill" we once had. She finally told me her feelings and that she is considering taking our 2 year old daughter and moving out of state for a while. This scenario scares me to death. We agreed to work on these issues and are seeing a counselor this week. I've read Dr. Harley's columns this week and am trying to take small steps to meet her emotional needs for her to start falling in love with me again.

Yesterday, an old boyfriend of hers called. I also found a note from him saying that he enjoyed seeing her last month on a trip back to her hometown and that he can't wait for Oct when she visits again. He also mentioned her marriage problems so obviously, she has confided in him. I don't think she is having an affair but I am thinking of confronting her about the phone calls and telling her to be honest with me in order to resolve our problems. I know she has been talking to this person frequently throughout the week. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

Jmash,

Welcome, I'm sorry you find yourself in this position.

The counselor this week is good!

Do begin your Plan A today.

Don’t confront her, talk rationally and with out judgment to her. (part of Plan A)

Begin reading all you can about the principals on this site.

I even suggest the books Surviving an Affair and or Torn Asunder.

Oz

Thanks oswald. I did end up talking to her about what is going on with the phone calls, etc. that have been too coincidental. She claims that she has just been talking with an old friend. I told her I believed her and maybe said too much about "being here for her to talk to" as well. I'm still planning on taking baby steps and we are going to counciling tomorrow. I'm just worried that she is not 100% committed to resolving our isses. Thanks again, Jmash

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm just worried that she is not 100% committed to resolving our isses. [/QB]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">See you're good at this stuff already. It's called the FOG and even though she would deny it, she's in it.

There is nothing wrong with reasurring her your safe, or taking baby steps.

Good Luck in Consiling I hope you found a good one.

Hang in there,
Oz

<small>[ September 01, 2004, 03:54 PM: Message edited by: oswald ]</small>

Oswald, I'm sorry, I'm new to this site and don't know all the lingo. I have figured out the H, W, but not the FOG. Can you define? Thanks,

Jmash

Pages could be written explaining the FOG. But in a nutshell it is how we refer to the fantasy world that a Wayward Spouse (WS) is in during and following an Affair (A).

It’s like this; the WS doesn’t live day to day in the real world with the other person so they fantasize about what life with them would be like. Since no one ever has a bad fantasy this other person is put on a pedestal, he or she would never do X,Y or Z because they understand me better than anyone.

It is exactly the way you and your W felt about each other when first dating. Eventually though you married moved in together and reality set in, she does fart and you do snore. She gets tired doing laundry and taking care of things, you get tired working and mowing the lawn. Guess what, you disagree some times. In the Fog none of that exists because again, what’s the point in having a fantasy if its going to be bad.

A word of caution though, in the beginning, don’t tell her she is in the fog. It pisses them off because perception is truth in the eyes of the perceiver. I mentally noted things my W told me years ago and have just recently told her what she said. It’s funny she doesn’t remember sounding so stupid. Today we can laugh at it, back then I wanted to club some sense into her.

Jmash,
You may want to buy Harleys book, Surviving an Affair. Even if your W didn’t have a physical affair (PA) it is loaded with valuable information.

Oz

<small>[ September 02, 2004, 09:57 AM: Message edited by: oswald ]</small>

I'm new too jmash but have been lurking for a while learning a lot but still find it hard to actually do the same things I can clearly explain to others to do...isn't it the way? When it effects you it seems so different,

OK, the famous or infamous 'FOG' is the thinking process and actions of unfaithful spouses, male or female it seems much the same to me here.

They say many of the same things, take similar selfish hurtful actions and think they are being so sane, moral and considerate. They are 99% of the time the exact opposite.

Jmash, well I'm going to say it, your W comment of 'I dont think I'm in love with you any more etc etc' is a absolute classic FOG comment. If you read the postings here you will see similar comments over & over again.

Your discovery of the messages from her old boyfriend are a worrying sign too. Now I'm leaning like you towards a Emotional Affair - EA-right now because there has been no reference to any sexual activity - thats called a PA - but just in case be prepared to hear the worst. Anyway EA's seem to be just as bad as its all fantasy.

Yes I think your estimate of your WW is right, probably not fully committed to sorting things out, she would rather run to her FOGGY knight in shining armour right now, the old boyfriend.
Now frankly I would have a great problem letting my kid go out of the state in such a situation, you get my meaning ?? Fight that idea gently firmly as the worse thing you can do is separate now I think. How can you work on growing together each in other states???

Anyway first find the truth if its possible, maybe bring it up at MC and state your doubts and concerns about this contact with an old boyfriend, I guess if she starts getting hyper defensive then theres a big issue there.

Also listen to experts here who have been around this place a lot, read the articles and lets hope you have nipped it all in the bud so to speak.

Thank you very much for your advice and thoughts. Our first MC session is today and I am looking forward to it as a first step to recovery, but also very nervous. Last night my W undressed for bed hiding in the bathroom instead of in front of me. This is brand new. I probably mistakenly asked her about it and she said she just isn't comfortable anymore. It bugged me but I guess it is just part of her feelings right now. I also found out she called the old boyfriend yesterday after I gently asked her about her contact with him. I found an several month old email from him saying he thinks about her alot and he cryed when she told him that "I may have married the wrong man" meaning she should have married him. This was in June. I am very worried about her Oct trip back to her hometown (where he is). I think we need to make some serious progress before then. Thanks for listening.