Thanks for the support GS,

You know, it's not so much that I don't trust her to make the trip, I just don't trust him. It's like what was mentioned by some others in another post:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I wish I could tell you this is going to be easy but I am sorry it is very hard,,, and I mean hard.
First of all get rid of all the physical aspects, for it is well documented that a womans affair is hardly ever a result of the physical aspects, such as the sex. My wife had to be made to feel very good emotionaly before she would let him in her pants. I am sorry to say this but the Other Man usually fully understands this and can become the smoothest talking man she ever met. The OM has to lower the wife into a false sense of love or affection, combined with the everyday stresses of a marriage and an urge to relieve that stress a woman finds herself in the arms of another man.
All affairs differ in some way but for a wife who is not looking for an "exit affair" (an affair to end the marriage)this is usually the process.

The OM has allready shown his true colors.
He has no morals,,, and does not care if a woman is Married or not. A good Man does not persue a married woman. And like I said before with a wayward wife almost allways the other man has to persue her and keep persuing her.

In any event the only advantage the OM had was that he knew how to sweet talk to women that have self-esteem issues. It is not your fault, some women with a tendency to stray will do so if they believe they don’t get attention. When they find someone who fills that need they lose their mind. It takes time and it also requires a cunning OM with no scruples to work on them. They build them up with love units and in the end the WW cannot escape the addiction </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">and I cannot trust him in any way, shape, or form, and shouldn't be expected to. I'm feeling soooo much pain from just a EA, I can't imagine how I'd feel, or how I'd react if it advanced to a PA.

Just remember the grass is AlWAYS greenest where it is watered.

God Bless,

JL

Or perhaps in this case, it may seem greener elsewhere due to large amounts of fertlizer... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Rob - Glad to see you now have a good sense of humor. These things are very hard and it takes lots of patience. So far you are doing very well. Keep it up.

My sense of humor gets me through most things. I'm hangin' in there, but it's been less than a week since d-day. I can't say I'm looking forward to the long road ahead.

((((( Getting out the plow and the emotional snow tires....)))))

What you said is true for us women it is all about the emotional connection(I'm sure for a small percent it is purely physical).
This is the area my H has never connected w/me but some how he did w/OW.
I remember when I talked to her that is just what she was looking for,to feel special,loved,important and so on.

It hurts to think that my H was all those things to someone else but could not be to me.Now it is hard for me because when he says certian things to me I feel like I am getting her leftovers.

Try and make your W feel that there is nothing in this world more valuable to you than her,you can do it.Have you read SAA yet it is a great tool in how to do a good plan A.

I did a great plan A without knowing it,yes his A ended but nothing in our life changed and without change after an A even a EA I dont think the M can survive I am a perfect example of that.The pain of loosing a 27yr M is so hard for me.

Keep up the good work.

Yes, I started a plan A as well, without realizing it. Although I could have done better from the git-go. But hey, I was tumbling through an avalanche of pain. all things considered, I did pretty well.

I don't know what SSA stands for, well, except for that group that puts on pails for helmets and beat each other silly with duct tape swords.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Try and make your W feel that there is nothing in this world more valuable to you than her,you can do it. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">There is no one more valuable than her, I treat her like that and tell her daily. I just hope he opens up to it.

What's really tough is when I look her in the eye, and tell her how I feel, and she will at most smile at me, but the whole time she's looking right through me. But that's also my progress benchmark. Waiting for signs that she "Sees" me again.

Well we got some quality time together last night and started M Counciling today. She's not ready to do N/C with the OM, but she did agree not to discuss our relationship with him, or having conversations that fulfill needs for her that I should be fulfilling.

She understands the difficulty in having councilling move forward while she's still in contact, but in some ways she's not ready to accept that I've reformed my ways, or that it will last.

She implied that she wants to keep the OM around simply to insure that I don't go back to my old habits.

but, all in all, it seems like progress. Just gotta keep being me...The NEW me, that is. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Rob - NC is a must for your marriage to move forward, or counseling to work.

Would your wife consider posting here?

I'm very aware of the need for no contact, But at least it was a consession. I'd rather have that than have her claim N/C and then not do it. hopefully it will make her more aware of what she converses with him about and why.

I've suggested that she join the boards, but she's doesn't care for message boards, but I think it would be good if she does.

<small>[ September 08, 2004, 12:07 AM: Message edited by: SkepticRob ]</small>

Hi Rob
SAA is the book suggested to read from this site it is Surviving An Affair,it is good reading not only for you but your wife to if she is open to it.
I read the book my H promised to read it he got to chapter 4 and said he had enough.It was the whole thing of not wanting to have to really face what he had done,not only to me,but our life,family and marriage.

Your wife can not work on your marriage 100% if she is still in contact w/the OM besides is that really fair to him,that she keeps him on the side just in case.I think they call that cake eating on this site.

You seem to be holding up pretty good all things concidered.Hang in there keep posting the support here is what has gotten me thru my darkest hours. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ September 08, 2004, 12:37 AM: Message edited by: gingersnap ]</small>

Thanks GS,
I'll look into that book.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You seem to be holding up pretty good all things concidered </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Some times are better than others, but I've decided that:
</font>

• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm not losing hope</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
</font>

• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm going to do everything I can to bring her back to loving me</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
</font>

• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Make sure she never has a reason to feel this way again.</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> That's all I can do. I figure that if all works out, we'll have a better relationship than ever, and if not, I honestly gave it my best shot, and it ultimatly wasn't meant to be. It'll hurt real bad for a long time, but that's life. Sometimes life sucks, and other times it's great. just gotta roll with it the best you can.

Rob -

You are doing just fine for so early in this. I was a miserable mess for the first 4 months. Of course, I didn't find this board until then.

Now that you have a plan, things should get better. Remember, your wife doesn't have a plan.

Ok, a bit of a vent post...

I am back at work today. It's my fist day back since D-Day. It's extremely hard to be here. I can't look anyone in the eye, and I don't want any interaction with anyone. I'm usually a very positive person at work, and I can be friendly and upbeat even when I'm having a bad day. But I can't do it now.

My boss is aware of what's going on, and she's been very supportive. She was a WW several years ago that led to her D. She's very regretful of what happened and wants to talk to my WW about her experiance, because the situations were very similar.

I feel like I'm dying inside right now. It makes me feel a bit better when I hear my W's voice, but when I hang up the phone it comes crashing back down on me. The fact that there's nothing I can do about it only compounds it. I want my W back so much, but I also wonder how much of this I can take...

Rob - Your feelings are perfectly normal. I was just like you at work. I didn't tell anyone for several months. But everyone knew there was something wrong. Finally I felt comfortable talking about it, and was able to enjoy my work days again.

It is good to be at work, and be doing something productive.

<small>[ December 03, 2004, 01:01 PM: Message edited by: lovemyhubby ]</small>

I really appriciate that lovemyhubby.
Tonight She'll be going out with my boss, who's been through the same thing as well, and seen it from both sides. I think the more voices she hears, the better.

you can send me an e-mail at ciskeptics@hotmail.com

I'll discuss it with her, but I think she'd be willing to e-mail you.

<small>[ December 03, 2004, 01:00 PM: Message edited by: lovemyhubby ]</small>

More venting now...

This rollercoster of emotion is accellerating again. I'm feeling a lot of rage at the moment. I feel like standing in the middle of a fiels and screaming my head off. I'm in a cubicle surrounded by coworkers at the moment, so it's not really the right place and time for an outburst.

I imagine that the more you love your S the harder it is. the passion that you feel for the person is no longer focused on how much you care but how hurt and angry you are.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

I know this is in it's early stages, and it will probably get worse before it gets better. It seems like it would have been more humane for her to have killed me than put me through this. Not to mention what it will do to the kids, and both of our families and friends.

It's beoynd me that after the A has been exposed, it seems so simple for the WS to justify actions that do so much harm to all the rest of the people they love and who love them and still be determained to continue them.

I'd understand if I was a violent wife beater, or an alcoholic, or otherwise abusive. But all the things that created the distance between us were things that I thought would strenghten the relationship, not tear it apart. And when I became aware of what was happening, I actively started taking steps to change things back to the way they should be.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

There's still more, but that's all I can get into a coherant thought at the moment.

Thanks Lmh!
I'll be looking forward to it!