<small>[ December 03, 2004, 11:44 AM: Message edited by: lovemyhubby ]</small>

Very true Lmh,

Also got your mail.

As far as eating right and enough sleep, I'm satisfied right now with eating at all and getting any sleep.

I did an exersize program earlier this year and nearly met my goals, but I still had a little weight around the middle that didn't want to come off. It's almost gone now!

At least it's something to be happy about <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Rob -

You are so new at this that you are doing quite well. After you have read and posted here you will have a better understanding of how these WS's are.

They are exactly like drug addicts. They don't care about their spouse, children, friends, nothing but their "fix". Then they deny everything. So don't take it personally. That is what they all do.

Look at it this way Rob, at least your boss understands your pain.

My boss was a [censored] and after coming back to work after D-day and I ended up not only losing my cool but also my job. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Keep plugging away bro - I feel your pain and am going through the same feelings. Long road ahead of us.

Rob
Hope you are having a better day today. In speaking of ws, Believer said....."thats how they all are".... but some of us do change and have remorse for our actions. believer... what we "all are" are human after all and all humans make mistakes.Also I never stopped loving my husband and his forgiveness is all I need to feel good about myself again. In posting to Rob I am only trying to help in some way by sharing my experiences and what I have learned from them .. He can find help from FWS as well and if he cant then his wife might.. I am only here trying to prevent someone else from making the same mistakes I did.
.
Rob take care of yourself and if you or your wife want to write please do so. I'd be happy to do anything to help if I can.
Peace,
Lmh

Well, I had a blowout last night, but all in all I think it managed to clear the air on a lot of things. After my anger subsided, we had a good conversation. I was ready to leave, but I'm still home.

My W started looking at the boards, including this thread (If you're reading this now, "Hi Honey, I Love You!!!" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> )

I spent a long time talking to her mom last night, it was very helpful.

My boss took my W out last night, and I think they had a good talk. Hopefully they'll do more of it.

I feel a bit like I'm turning this thread into my own personal blog, but it helps me express what I'm going through, and I really appriciate the input from everyone!

I've noticed that I have had an affinity with certain songs. When I'm feeling more positive, I really enjoy "Smooth" by Santana Lyrics, and when I'm feeling more down, I find I identify with "Someday" by Nickelback Lyrics.

Perhaps this should go into a new thread, but I'm curious what songs some of you latch onto are.

In a way it is good to see that you are just normal.This is so hard,seems WE the BS do all the work just waiting for our WS to notice and realize what they are throwing away.

Your wife will wake up on day and realize what is going on,she is still in the fog the problem is this is the hardest time for us,waiting and watching.Boy do I remember those days of him mourning over the loss of OW.
I did everything for him with nothing in return except him checking on me alot thru out the day ( I believe he was afraid I would kill myself and he did not want that on his shoulders)He even made the comment one time to OW that he never knew I could be so wonderful.......LOL funny thing is I was always that way up until about the last 6yrs before the A,when I was just to worn out to keep giving with nothing in return.I guess in our case really I should have been the one to have the A not him.

Any way did not mean to get off on all of that.This is going to be a very hard time for you and you are lucky that you found this site and have this support plus outside support it will make things easier on you.
By the way how are the kids doing in all of this??I know they are small but they must suspect that something is not right.

Well I hope today is a little better for you.
Remember you are not alone.
WE are all here,know your pain and know that rollercoaster very well.

I doubt the kids know anything. we've been very careful about discusing it around the kids. My son could tell I was upset last night, and he asked about it, I told him that it's a grown up thing that hopefully he wouldn't ever have to understand.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I guess in our case really I should have been the one to have the A not him.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No. It's what led to his. If there is anything I understand well, is that the major force that brought my situation about was my own emotional distance from my family. It caused me to say hurtful things, and not giving enough back. I had my priorities completely screwed up. I wasn't any fun to be around, and never wanted to do anything but gripe. In a sense the EA was what I needed to kick me in the A$$ and open my eyes. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I'm very sorry for the way I've behaved, and I'm working on making amends. I'm also trying to live the life I always wanted, that was always there in front of me, but couldn't see it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I love my family more than anything. I've always wanted to give them everything I could, and I was deeply depressed that I couldn't accomplish it. I know now that what they really wanted and needed was for me to be there for them. I feel awful about how many opportunities I've already missed with my W and kids. I can't and won't let it ever happen again.

Lovemyhubby-

Sorry for posting that "they are all that way". It was not a very nice thing to say. I realize that many, many FWS's are here to help others, and I should not have written that. Please accept my apology.

I'm not sure how to feel about today.

I had a decent day at work, talked with my boss about her time with my W. Came home and it was almost like the last month had never happened. Everything seemed perfectly normal.

Although I should be happy about it (I am somewhat) it's also bothering me. I'm not sure if it's due to my skeptical nature, or a longing for how things used to be, or some other thing I'm not taking into account.

Something I should have mentioned earlier, is that my W is Bipolar. She was diagnosed a few years ago, and has also spent time in the hospitial for it on one occasion. She's currently in a manic state (has been since the beginning of summer), her Doc has adjusted her meds, and she seems to be falling out of her manic state, and heading into a mixed state.

If you're not aware, mixed states can be more dangerous than mania or depression, for example, a manic person tends to feel on top of the world, and is very active, whereas a depressed person wants to die, but can't work up the energy to do anything about it. In a mixed state, you can be depressed enough to want to die, and have the energy to take action.

I have no doubts that her BP condition is contributing to the current situation. not that there aren't any problems in the relationship to be addressed, but it's possible that things wouldn't have gone this far had it not been in her current mental state.

I'd love to hear from anyone who's dealt with anything like this from a BP spouse.

Rob -

You might want to post on the general questions forum. There are quite a few people here that have bipolar spouses, or have it themselves.

I hope your wife will post also.

Sorry to hear about this condition your W has,I'm sure it only adds to the situation.Do you think that dealing with this condition also lead to the way that you began to behave as a H in other words dealing w/her bipolar made you push away?? Some times we do this to protect our selfs and dont even realize what we are doing.

It is good that you are able to reconize the areas in your life and M that you made mistakes and are now doing all that you can to change.I think this is the key to a successful recovery.
This is all that I ever asked of my H but he has never been willing or able to do it.

For me my H never spent time w/the family I took the kids on vacations alone,to church alone,school attivities alone I'm sure many people thought I was single.On many occasions when people would ask who my H was they would look surprised and comment "I did not know he was married".It always made me wonder "why",why would people not know he was married.

Anyway enough of me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> As hard as it is try and keep doing what you are,I can only speak from my stand point but if my H would have done all that you are I'm sure that we would be together now and not seperated.

It is also good that the kids are not aware that is just one more thing to deal with.

GS,
I have always tried to be there for my family, I just realized I wasn't doing enough. Sometimes it's enough to be there but more often, it's more than just being there, you have to "BE" there.

That is more than just physically there, focusing on what's going on at that moment, rather than spacing off, checking your watch, making phone calls, etc.

I am often reffered to as a model husband and father, (probably part of the reason that I was oblivious to the reality), but in retrospect, a lot of it was more like lip service. That can be as bad, if not worse, than not being there at all.

I would say that I have been a person who never really knew what I wanted, but was continously dissatisfied with what I had. It has taken an event this destructive to make me really think about what is really importaint in my life, what gives my life meaning. That's, IMHO, why WH's don't wake up until W gets to plan B, and why it takes an A of a WW before an otherwise decent H figures things out.

It really feels like the healing process has started for us. I feel fortunate that I caught on before it got to a point of no return. I'm sure there's still to be some ups and downs in the future, but I feel as though I have some hope now, and at this point, it's a very warm blanket. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I guess if there are any potential WW's that happen to read this post, I have one piece of advice. If you are calling out to your husband and he doesnt hear you, kick him, pinch him hard, or just leave to stay with family for a few days. Men react to the physical, words sound hollow.

If you say to a man "I'm unhappy." a man will think to himself, "well, yeah, so am I." even if he sounds understanding. but when a relationship has slid headlong into a rut, for a man, it's a cross to bear, and even if he wants to pull out of it, it's his responsibiliy to pull the family out (my story) without taking into consideration what the rest of the family needs, or just sit in the rut until one of the spouses has an A.

It's been such a help to share in the stories on this forum, and most everyone here seems like great people, it's so unfortunate that we come together under such circumstances.

In the last week, I've come to look at marriages more like an egg in a hailstorm, or lemmings thoughtlessly wandering to the cliff's edge. Blissfully unaware of what lies ahead for them.

It makes me want to leap up on a soapbox on the street, and try to wake people up, trying to tell them that "The End is near!!" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Of course, people who do that are either ignored or committed. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Wow now those were some deep thoughts and all so true.Thanks for the insite of how a man thinks and feels.

My story is a very long one but the words that burn in my head most are the ones he said to me that "I" did not pay enough attention to him",sure I guess I could have done more but I dont know what, he is a very spoiled man and I have no one to blame for that but me,but I felt that was what a wife did,take care of her H.
In reality I was the one lacking in attention but learned to accept it as "thats just his way" he always felt that if he took care of me finacially and we had sex than I was being taken care of.This all came from a man that would take me out to dinner and read a newspaper instead of talking to me.

How I wish he would open up his eyes and heart and do the things that need to be done.

I hope that your W will realize how lucky she is that you are able to see what needs to be changed and change them before it is to late.
Keep up the good work.

<small>[ September 10, 2004, 04:25 PM: Message edited by: gingersnap ]</small>

The Fog has Lifted!!!

My W ended her EA last night, by telling the OM that she would not be coming to visit him. He was, of course, rather upset with the news, and started to show his true colors.

What brought the change was my W becoming more aware of how manic she was, due to her BP. That is what really shone the light of day on her behavior. The woman I married has returned.

Now, that's not to say that there isn't any work to do on our M. We've both got a lot of work to do. The BP really emphasized the unhappiness she was feeling, and caused her to stray.

This is like a second chance for me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> an opportunity to be the H that she always needed.
I'll be using the MB information to help strengthen the relationship.

Thank you all again so much for your support through this difficult (albiet short), terrible chapter of my life. I don't know if I could have survived it without you! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Rob

Rob,
My husband has worked nights for the past 2 years until I recently discovered the affairs that had been taking place while he was at work. We tried to get through the first one, which was about a year ago. But it was only weeks before another begin. By now there is nothing to talk about and only one choice to make....it was either quit and find a day job or there was nothing to work on. My husband immediatly quit his job, which as a stay at home mom really wasn't feasible for our family but it made all the difference in staying together or getting a D! Working opposite shifts is almost impossible for a marriage because it doesn't seem like there is any time for you and your spouse. Having been through what I have and also having been in a place similar to your wife my best advice to you is try and remove her from the situation (working nights) which creates so much opportunity. Ultimately she will have to find out for herself if the grass is greener. I know it's tuff!!! But sometimes that is the only way people get a true sense of what they have and what they have to lose. Best of luck to you

So glad to read this,I sure hope all goes well for both of you.
Best of luck keep us all posted on how things are going.

FitnessMom -
Since my W works in Long Term care, the few people she works with are female. Although she is going to be looking into getting disability, since her condition makes it difficult to work normal jobs at normal hours. It becomes overwhelming very quickly for her. That's why she's always worked night shift. Nice and quiet.

Gingersnap-
I will keep posting, but perhaps not as frequently (I've got a marriage to tend to... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> )
Your support and advice have meant a lot to me, and you seem like a great person who didn't deserve what you've been through. I hope things work out for the best for you. Stay Healthy! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Rob - Glad to hear the good news. Now you better rest up. I hear that recovery is the hardest part.

Thanks Rob
You are right you have a M to work on and good for you for realizing what is most important in life.

As for me,I am working on the healthy thing....and none of us deserved what we got dealt.

My H will probably never change I have hoped and prayed for a very long time on this one.I look at it like this,I either just accept life w/him as it is and go on(mostly very lonely and unhappy)or I start the paper work for a D.I still dont know what I want,he is all I know cant imagine life without him in it good or bad.
But I know that I want more than I have right now.

Best of luck to you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />