I'm glad I found this forum. From what I've read so far there are good people here. Please help me understand this, I am so confused. My husband and I were at a party a few weeks ago and we were both drinking quite a bit. He more than me. It was all close friends of ours, including one very close friend of mine and an acquaintance of ours. Everyone was pretty wasted.

Another friend of mine walked in on my husband and these two friends (my close friend and the acquaintance) when they were supposedly making out. I didn't see it but my friend told me both women had their hands in my husband's pants. She told me this a few days after the party.

I was devastated. I know that he flirts a lot when he's drinking but I never thought not to trust him about going further than that. And for it to be with two friends made it even worse. The one person that I would have turned to for support about my husband's potential infidelity is the person (or one of them) that he was with!

I confronted him. To my shock and disgust, he didn't deny anything. What he said was "everyone was drunk and you can't be held accountable for what you do at a party when everyone is drinking!" It made me physically ill. Of course I asked him how many other times this happened that he didn't tell me about. He didn't answer me but he said "I honestly didn't think you'd care. Nothing really happened, just a little fooling around. I bet they don't even remember it."

Is he right? Should I not hold him accountable? He WAS drinking very heavily and I was too. I don't even know how sober the friend who saw it was. And if he WAS that drunk, how can I blame him? I don't know what to think. PLEASE help. Has anyone else ever dealt with this?

and one more thing. I haven't spoken with my friends about this either. I can't bare the thought of facing them. I don't know who or what to believe or what to do next.

Welcome to marriagebuilders. It is a good place to be under the circumstances.

Your husband has allowed a boundary to be crossed, and it is no excuse that he was drunk. I think it is probably a good idea to avoid these friends - they have shown that they cannot be trusted. That is how affairs start.

OMG!

I would say yes, it was cheating.

I would also add that if he drank so much that that is his excuse (not one, really) than he needs to confront his drinking problem. Who gets so blitzed out of their mind that it doesn't count?!

I would confront these women and never talk to them again. They need to take responsibility for their obscene behavior.

I don't know how you will get your H to see that what he did was wrong. He has rationalized behaviours with faulty thinking for a married man.

Yep, and bank robbers who commit the robbery while drunk are NOT bank robbers.

The "blame game." Guns don't kill, PEOPLE kill.

Personal responsibility is just what is says it is.

Your marriage is in trouble and you both need to be in counseling. IF alcohol is the "problem," then alcohol needs to go. Neither of you, but especially your husband, seems to understand that drunkeness is NOT a "release from responsibity" and IS a huge problem in, and of, itself.

"But it's my RIGHT to drink!" Ya, right. But don't try to blame the alcohol for your CHOICES. As a judge would pull the driver's license from someone who was drunk, especially if they hurt others, so too should you be "pulling the alcohol" out of your marriage. There is too much inmmaturity and inability to responsibly handle it in evidence here.

Hon, you say YOU were drunk, too. But you didn't have some other man's hands down your pants, right? Because even drunk, you know that cheating is cheating.

Your husband -- and your so-called friends -- know it too.

In addition to MC for you and your husband, I'd recommend Alocholics Anonymous as well. Keep posting. You'll find plenty of help here for your situation.

~ Snow

Billybear,
unless he was unconscious, it is cheating. And the fact that he didn't answer your question about how many times it's happened before makes me think it has happened before--and probably more than once.

I don't think that this is a hard one to figure out: when you are married, you don't date, kiss, fondle, have oral sex or have intercourse with anyone other than your spouse. I think his playing-dumb response that he didn't think you'd mind is bulls*#t. Drunk or not, he did it because he wanted to do it, not because he didn't know it was wrong.

Let me ask you this. Suppose someone was drunk, and drove through a red light, hitting another car and killing the people in it. Would you be innocent because you were drunk, or are you still guilty of manslaughter? Do you think the judge would let you off because you were drunk??
Michael