D-day for me was 2 weeks ago. My W of 8 years told me she has been unhappy for up to 3 years. She is planning on a trip back home (also taking our 2 year old) for a wedding/temporary separation. Problem is that she is having an EA with an ex back home. I've waited long enough, but tonight I start plan A. My plan is 1) ask her (not demand or insist) that she break contact with this guy forever. Now they talk almost every day. I have been checking her cell phone calls dialed and received 2) by doing so, even though she has doubts about us, start today on working on the M. We have started MC and are continuing. She won't like this request but I am going to ask her to give us a chance. 3) ask her not to go to the wedding. I know she won't go for this either so I am thinking of giving her the option of flying to the wedding alone (wedding is 2 states away from her hometown), or flying back home alone and driving with her girlfriends to the wedding, all while having no contact with the ex. I have a big problem with her taking my daughter home and back to her ex for an out of state separation. She has already said that she will come back but doesn't know under what circumstances. What if she says no to all of my requests? Any advice would be much appreciated. Jmash

Go home with her for the wedding. You can only control yourself, so if she says no, you have to accept that. You can tell her how that makes you feel...

Contact the guy and ask him, respectfully, to not have any contact with her, because his relationship with her is hindering your efforts to work on your marriage. I can't write more about that now, but will give you more details about what to say to him tonight when I get home and can write more.

<small>[ September 08, 2004, 08:47 AM: Message edited by: johnh39 ]</small>

Thanks John for your reply. The problem with this is that we just moved to our current home in May. So I have started a new job and have very little vacation/sick leave. I could possibly get some personal leave and believe me, this trip is very important to our M. I would rather have her not go at all. I have about 5 weeks until she was planning on leaving. However, I start Plan A tonight. Thanks,

Jmash

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> A word about confronting the OP, when a WS is unwilling to end an affair on their own, because this question comes up a lot, and many people advise that you avoid confronting the OP, because discussions between BS’s and OP’s tend to be unhelpful and painful for the BS. I do not suggest having much of a discussion. I DO suggest confronting the OP, and also informing the OP’s spouse or girlfriend or boyfriend of what you know, if they have one. If the OP’s spouse/friend is likely to be violent, you may want to hold off on that exposure, but that is the only exception I know of, other than a message from God.

The confrontation of the OP is fairly important, and should be worded carefully. Given the emotional state you are probably in right after you learn of an affair, that usually means doing it by letter or email, or maybe a phone call. I do not recommend direct confrontations because of the strong temptation you may have to become physically violent.

Whatever method you use to communicate, say something like: “I love [spouse], and am trying to fix what is wrong with our marriage. I believe your relationship with [spouse] is interfering with our efforts to fix our marriage, and I would appreciate it if you would cease all contact with [spouse].” If you are CERTAIN it is a physical affair, you can use the word “affair”, instead of “relationship”. If you have children, you may also say that the OP is contributing to the destruction of a family.

They may laugh at you, but it is important to send that message, respectfully, for several reasons:

1. Because the OP may not know the WS is married. If that is the case, confronting the OP sometimes leads immediately to the end of the affair.
2. Because WS’s usually (almost always?) depict their spouse in a negative way to the OP. They say things like: “My wife doesn’t understand me” or “My husband won’t talk to me”, “My spouse is unconcerned about me and/or our marriage” or “We have an open relationship”, or something worse – you are crazy, controlling, cruel, etc. So, you need to confront the OP in a way that shows you at your best – not crazy, not unconcerned, not controlling, not angry, but rather calm, kind, purposeful, determined and concerned for your spouse and your relationship with them. When you do that, it introduces conflict into their relationship, because there is a conflict between what the OP experiences, and what they have been told.
3. Many WS’s and OP’s minimize the seriousness of their affairs with rationalizations like: “It’s only physical”, or, in the case of an Emotional Affair, “It’s just a close friendship” and “It’s not physical.” The language I have suggested avoids giving them a point to argue, and simply says it is hurting you.
4. In most cases, affairs grow in secret, and they die when exposed.


Remember that affairs are addictions. What happens when you try to take away an addict's fix? Frequently, they get angry. It is fairly common for a WS to get EXTREMELY angry when you expose their affair and confront the OP, and accuse you of trying to destroy them and your marriage and of being a horrible human being, so be prepared for an angry response. It is not a lovebuster, it is fighting for your marriage. You are doing nothing horrible. They are. You are fighting to save your marriage. They are destroying it. You are telling the truth. They are being deceitful.
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