I have posted here several times, and feel the need to start a new subject line because I have new reactions, emotions and questions each day. D-day was 2 weeks ago. Long story short, my wife wants a separation so she can sort things out. Her plan is to take our 2-year old girl out of state (to her hometown) for an October wedding and use this time to figure out what she needs to do. Problem is that I have found out she is having an EA with an ex near her home town (long phone calls for months). She admitted she had feelings for him but strongly denies any type of A. From what little I have learned, this reaction seems like its from a textbook. I'm not dumb; my wife is calling an ex more than she calls her mother or sister, especially given the circumstances? I also found notes and emails. I don't thing a PA yet, only an EA.

Last night I started plan A. I gave her 3 requests 1) break ties with this guy forever 2)start MB today with me and 3) don't go to the wedding or let me go with. I really tried not to sound demanding but that is the way she took it anyway. Her reaction was very angry. She said absolutely no to #3, was wishy washy but very defensive about #1, and was really pissed about #2. She felt I was pressuring her into a decision right now. Believe me, that is not what I intended. I hope I didn't LB too much and do irreparable damage. I tried to stress to her to give us another chance and all that I was asking was that she have an open mind and think about all my requests. It didn't help much.

There is 5 weeks before she leaves, and I hope I didn't push up her timeline. In her rage last night, she said she shouldn't even be here and she doesn't have any feelings for our relationship right now. The only reason she is here is because of our daughter. I am sleeping downstairs as of last night.

One other note, I am seeing an attorney on Friday to dicuss my rights and responsibilities. My wife doens't work and she would be living with her parents out of state. If she goes to the wedding with my little girl and has not broken off ties with this guy, I doubt she ever comes back and I may have a battle getting time with my daughter. If I do have certain custody rights, using these rights to prevent her from taking my daughter also may be the last straw. I guess I am hoping this is an ace up my sleeve if it comes to that. However, this is a worst case scenario that I don't want to see happen.

She also thinks that I will try to ignore our problems and hope they go away, like I admit I have done in the past. But I fully realize this is different, it has never come to this. I tried to tell her that I am dead serious about our issues and am 100% committed. I don't think she believes me and I don't know what to do next. She wants me to back off for a while and give her space.

Please, any advice or interpretation would be much appreciated. Jmash

First
you are not the one doing irrepairable damage to the M, its your wifes actions,

Secondly, your wife is in a EA at least. That comment that she is only here for the child is a classic fog comment from all I have read here.

jmash, I think you are right and have a ligitimate concern that once she takes your daughter out of the state she wont be back. I really do think that based on what you say,
to take a child on trip for a 'wedding' in the circumstances is unusal.

I think that at this time you need to understand that your wife is fast disappearing to be replaced by an alien. You obviously caught her off balance when you let her know your knew about the OM, because that man is the OM you know.

I think you need to get your lawyer to start some moves to stop your wife removing your child from the state. I suggest you calmly and sensibly ask your W not to take your daughter in light of her reluctence to cease all contact with the OM, not commit to seeking & working on your M & say that you have great doubts based on her affair that she is being totally honest with you - dont tell her about the lawyer or she may run now.
Up until whatever time the lawyer says is the latest he can act to stop her, keep asking her not to go as you did previously. Give her the opportunity right up to the last to rethink her position.
But if you let her & your daughter go, frankly I'd be surprised if she returned in the fog she appears to be entering.

My guess is that the more she fights to take your daughter the more I'd be a bit suspicious that she has other plans.

I hope that I am wrong however every day I am referring clients to the family court which is federal in Australia where exactly this sort of thing has happened.
Sadly, all too often the parent left behind can loose all contact for a LONG time as the parent who takes off argues they are in a new relationship, the child has a steady reliable home life blah blah blah & it would not be good for the child to now move back to their'old' state....... if you have $$$ you can fight this & win BUT it takes forever. Just imagine the mess where different state courts get involved.

So avoid it & stop it........ the other MB experts here will give you good advice on how to keep the plan A etc, but you need to protect YOU & YOUR DAUGHTER from soemone who is probably not thinking too clearly in that fog land.

All the best.

Errr... YOU are sleeping downstairs? Why? Why not her? She's the one who wants to leave, not you. You are making this much too easy on her.

Although I am hesitant to suggest this, because it is your lawyer's interest that you divorce (that's what they get paid for, right?), you may want to file for a legal separation first, before she takes your daughter with her. Then you can establish custody arrangements which are legally enforceable, which will likely prevent her from moving out of state (that's how it works in Minnesota, anyway - check with your attorney). Once she is gone it becomes much more difficult to get her back.

Do not believe her when she says she needs space to sort things out. This is simply a CLASSIC WS line that means: "I want more 'space', time, and opportunity to continue my affair". Don't tell her this. Just know it, and respond accordingly. Meaning: respectfully, calmly say you don't like the idea.

Lastly, re-read the Plan A links in my signature line link at least three times.

<small>[ September 09, 2004, 11:22 AM: Message edited by: johnh39 ]</small>

Hang in there! You have 5 weeks for a very effective Plan A. They all think the M is over. It is time to show her the man she fell in love with.

I don't think you LB'd. Was there any yelling or screaming? If so, that needs to end. Now. Making requests is not LB'ing, it's in how we react to our partners.

Okay, you have your work cut out for you. First, make your homelife a pleasant one for WS. Talk to her, ask her about her day. Try to think of some fun stuff to do. I know this is very difficult with a 2-year-old (we have one, too), but can you get a sitter? Try to arrange a date once a week for the next 5 weeks. Have fun, don't talk about your relationship. Remind her of the man she married.

Did you talk to her about what she perceives to be the relationship problems? She needs to see that you understand where she is coming from. Also, can you get her to Retrouvaille? You need to get an emotional connection again.

The lawyer/legal separation thing is very tough. I know my FWS would have freaked if I brought a lawyer into the mix, but unfortunately, it needs to be done. Perhaps, you can frame it very matter of factly. You know she is planning to leave you, you know she is not planning to come back, okay, but you would like to establish a legal separation. You want to be able to see your child. Perhaps agreeing with her will get her off the defensive.

We have talked about what I perceive to have been our problems. I'm not sure she agrees with me, only knows that she is unhappy and doubts whether we were ever in love. She thinks that I am trying to force my plan on her. I tried to tell her that my only plan was to make baby steps by smiling, cooking dinner, asking her about her day, etc. I will try a date with her after things hopefully cool off from last night. We have never yelled and screamed but she was very upset about me implementing Plan A and asking to not go to her best friends wedding. I guess I'm going to try to be a Plan A doormat for a while and see where things are going. If I ask her about her contact with the OM again, I'm afraid we'll lose all our progess again. After 5 weeks, I'll have to assess the situation and see if I need to file for a legal separation. Thanks, Jmash

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> guess I'm going to try to be a Plan A doormat for a while and see where things are going. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What are you talking about? Plan A is not about being a doormat. Did you read those links even once?

I am guessing from your posts that you are somewhat of a pleaser personality to begin with. If that is wrong, and you are really controlling by nature, then being a doormat MAY be OK. But if you are a pleaser by nature, it DEFINITELY is time to try something different.

Yes I did read the posts and your links. I'm reeling right now and don't know if I'm understanding what I should do. Should I get tough with her? How do I do that without LB'ing and at the same time try to meet her EN's? Very, very confused. Jmash