My story..continued. First of all, thank you Jo for being here so completely for me. I could not have gotten to today without you. Thank you all of you MB members for your kind, intelligent responses – you are keeping me calm in this horrific storm. Your strength is incredible…I would not continue to have mine with out you. I know there is a long road ahead. I am dreading it. This is incredible to have all of YOUR extended thinking processes to help guide me through this awful time – I feel incredibly blessed with all of you by my side.

In answer to some questions you have had:

Pepperband, you asked if I have spoken with OW. Sort of.
THE OW: 3 years ago we moved into town. We spent some time in the local Karaoke bar. My husband sings very well. The Karaoke coordinator is the OW. My husband soon after we began going into this place, was asked to bartend (on the side – he, at the time worked a well paid FT job, in town) – He used to own a restaurant and this was a fun outlet for him. So he started working a few evenings a month. I need to go back and find out exactly WHEN he started…it is on my "to-do" list. ALL of last year 2003..he worked there A LOT. I did not like it and mentioned it to him on numerous occasions. I was asked (looking back, I was told) that I should not come into the bar where he worked, because he was too busy to chat with me, and it would make him sad (something to that effect). I also was told to not call there, only his cell phone – the reason was it was hard to hear on the phone. I did go in a few times with friends – and yes he was uncomfortable, which of course I did not understand. One time I went in and SHE glared at me as though I had GALL to even come in there. She had always been very nice to me, when he and I went in together. He worked some holidays – particularly New Years Eve, many days that I just did not understand. I also never really saw a paycheck, I did ask him about it - I guess he probably lovingly & kindly blew-me-off. I insisted that he quit at the beginning of the year. I am sure I will learn more about WHY he really changed his primary job. He did this in January 2004. He took on a position that now has him traveling out of state every week. In the first month, he did not travel. Soon after, he was home very little.
Back to the OW: He has told me that she has been in the dark too. That NONE of this is her fault. He told her we were getting a D…Man what a blowing shock to me! There are just so many things I am figuring out. While he and I were on vacation this past week, a badly needed one for us to be together, for us to re-new, for him to relax because this new job has been so chaotic with all of the travel – he really hated that! Yeah, right. He had to fly out to another state “to save their biggest account”…he really flew home to her, because she found out that he was with me. When he returned the next day…I got the news. Many things were revealed, but back to the point…at one time he came into the room with his cell phone and said to me “OW is on the phone, she would like to talk to you”. I could not believe it. I told him how insulting that was, BUT took the phone for the opportunity to arrange a meeting with her…I do not know her number, but figured I could figure it out. She said to me “I did not know you were still married” and I said to her “I did not know about you”. I asked her if we could get together to talk…she was surprised I was willing to do that (me too!). I said “wouldn’t you like to figure out what our lives were like the past couple of years?” She agreed to call me. Hasn’t yet, but I suspect she will by Monday-Tuesday, as H (I think) needs to go to a business meeting this week in FL. He went to her side Friday night after he brought me home. He said after he talked with her, he would be taking a couple of days alone to “think this through”. If she does not contact me, it is my intent to find her.

Again, this is exactly how he and I got together 8 years ago. His past wife had tried to talk to me (she came to my work with her dad), I called him and we both sat with her. Of course, I had the story of her, told by him.

And you are suprised that a man that cheated on his wife with you has now cheated on you, why would that suprise you?

Dawn

Yeah, you are right Dawn. Shouldn't really be a surprise. My mistake, and now I get to deal & clean up the mess.

I guess in the back of my mind I thought I could fix him.

Dear Infaith,

I'm sorry you should find yourself in this pain.
A lot of women make that same mistake - to think they can "fix" their husband's problems... whether that is drinking, abuse, lying, anger, whatever. But if the H doesn't want to recognize he has a problem then it's probably better to get out that to be taken down with them.

Cheating as a way of life IS a serious problem. In my opinion you should only think about getting back together with your H if he agrees to go to counseling and find out why he chooses this "easy road", conveniently ignoring the pain he inflicts on his partners.
If he chooses to come back to you for some reason, but doesn't want to "fix himself", I guess you are realistic enough to realise he'll probably have another A and another and another, or just leave you for the next woman.

Maybe you should also take a look at yourself - why did you choose a man who is a liar and a cheater to be your partner? Someone who is not returning the same love and dedication you are giving to him? Do you believe somewhere deep down you're not worthy of such a caring and loving partner? I'm not judging you - I'm telling things I found out about myself the hard way.

Please take all steps necessary to restore your self-confidence, your self esteem. And remove the things from your life that make you feel bad, worthless, unlovable. Take care of yourself. And don't be afraid to keep posting here, we are here for each other, how ever often you need it.

(((Infaith)))