have monitored this board for almost 4 weeks now.

Wife and I bought a new house, a week before the move, she told me of her boyfriend. The day before the move, she told me to stay at the old house (the day prior to our 7th anniversary) I tried everything. And probably the wrong way. She said she needs time to make a decision, but she still sees him and we are separated. She vacillates between telling me that she doesn't want to be married and then she will call me and tell me that she loves me, misses me and things will be ok.

She hasn't filed yet and when I asked about it, she said that she has no plans.

I tried to be understanding and respectful, but I couldn't control myself knowing what is happening and that she refuses to leave him.

So I realized that she made the short-term decision to keep seeing him and still be separated. I told her yesterday that until she ends it with him, that we should have no interaction because it is not fair to her or me. If she needs time, without pressure, and I need an answer, that seemed the most fair thing. Quite frankly I didn't feel as if I had any other choice.

As soon as I tell her that, she is crying telling me that she has been thinking that we can do this. Then I get sucked back in. She still talks to him - although she says she hasn't seen him in a week. Then Saturday morning, I rage and tell her that I am absolutely done. She cries and says that she has been thinking that we can do this, but she is still talking to him.

Yesterday, it seemed like we connected again for the first time, we just sat on the floor and talked and talked like we used to, about life, not heavy 'us' topics. This morning, I dropped off Torn Asunder and she said that she would read it.

Where do I go from here? I am so worn out of the highs and lows and her vacillating. How do I negotiate with her to end talkign with him?

I didn't tell her that yesterday, I told her that last Wednesday....

Hi 'thatsall'

I'm pretty new as well but have picked up a bit.
My ww, well fww told me out of the blue as well so I can understand I think some of your feelings.

I think you must have been doing a type of plan A without knowing it and then are now looking at what is called here Plan B. Plan B is for the betrayed spouse to avoid all contact with the wayward spouse until the affair has completely ended and the wayward spouse has agreed to a plan for recovery.

However, you seem to be right here now. I do think you should be doing this plan B NOW, your ww is playing you and doing what is called 'cake eating'... basically wanting her BF & H & getting it so why would she get off that fence?

I see a pattern here 'thatsall' where your ww is using emotional triggers to have you 'just hold off we will get through this' ..unfortunately, if she knows it or not..what she is really saying is let me have my affair and I'll MAYBE/will want to come back if it does not work out.... frankly I dont think you should put up with this at all.

I believe your W & you talked about filing previously and to be honest it does sound to me that she manipulated you into buying a new home so she could enjoy it with her lover, I'm sorry to be so blunt but it does appear that way to me. Everything just seems a bit too pat for me.
Perhaps more detail from you may show a different light on all this.

I think your best alternative is to proceed to file for a separation and division of assets and then do a plan B...you do not have to proceed to a divorce but you have everything in place if you want to or it all goes to hell in a hurry.

I dont think I'm being overly suspicious here but this all sounds just so well planned to me.
Another thing to consider regarding property, would you even want to go to this new house now where she has had the affair? I guess only you can ans that one.

Now just because I'm suggesting you protect yourself asset wise I'm not saying dont fight for your M if thats what you want, after all this is MB isn't it? So In plan b you are not contacting her at all other than for emergencies like parents, that sort of thing. The aim is to cut off ALL your support, material and emotional that she is using to continue the A. Thats why I suggest a legal separation because she is using this new home - no its a house not a home - YOU purchased.

I understand this is soul destroying, and must hurt very much, I can't think of any good in this mess for anyone at all. But I felt so much more in control of my life when I started taking actions to save my M. We never know if that will work out, we just keep going until we cant anymore I guess.

Sorry you had to join our club but at least you know you were the one who was faithful and honest, sometimes it helps to know that. But dont sit there in limbo hoping it will get better, it probably wont, Do something to get your control back, fight for the M or end it, whatever it is that you need to do for you.

Plenty of people to help you here too so when you need advice or to vent just log on.

Hope it works out well.