I never thought in a million years that I would be here, but then again I guess no one ever does. I've done my homework, read books, watched Dr Phil and Oprah and talked my friends to death about this but no one understands where I've been or where I am now. Thank goodness I found this site!! From the day we met my husband and I were instantly connected, best friends from hello and that still remains today. We have been together 5 years and married for 4. Prior to marriage and even in the first year to 18 months everyone, and I do mean everyone was so envious of our relationship. Friends looked at us and said "I want what you 2 have" it was awesome!! I was the luckiest, happiest woman in the world. My H is 5 years younger but age never really factored in until all of this. We married when my husband was 19 it was his life dream to be a Police Officer, so when he turned 21 he wanted to go to the Police Acd. Being the supportive wife I called and requested an application, it came and he did nothing with it. As the deadline was approaching I filled out his application for him, basically he signed it and I returned it. Not knowing of course I was commiting marital suicide. So classes start, that was a turning point in our relationship. We had just purchased a new home so we couldn't afford for him not to work. So he worked fulltime during the day and when to school 4 nights a week and all day saturday. We saw very little of each other for 9 months and our marriage suffered greatly. Finally it was over, he was immediately hired on with a small department working nights 7p-3a and with an hour drive both ways. So again we saw each other little but things were slowly better. After 8 months a position came open in town where we lived, although a big pay cut it seems sensible for him to work closer to home. Hours were better, (I thought) 12a-8a. He was very reluctant to make this change becasue he had grown up in this small town his whole life and thought it might be difficult to do his job and have respect as an Officer. Again I strongly encouraged him to make the change, and reluctantly he did. Within 1 week of being on with this new department he was a totally different man! I thought it was due to the change and general stress of the job. As the weeks pasted he began talking about this young girl often. A girl that was ofcourse 10 years younger than I and that had just finished her junior year of HS. She was 17, he was 22. He told me he talked to her alot on duty becasue she was having a lot of problems at home and needed someone to talk to. And nothing went on during his shift so it helped pass the time. I had never had a reason to be suspious so I didn't give it much thought until a few weeks later. Day by day he became more of a stranger to me, wanting to go out with his "friends" - people I had never met. When he wasn't working he would still stay out all night and sleep all day. At this point I knew something was up and I began to question him. He told me again he had been talking to this girl alot, I told him it needed to stop becasue I didn't feel comfortable with it and his reply was no I like her and I like spending time with her. I guess I allowed this to continue over the summer becasue I was afaid of losing the man I loved so much. At one point we had concert tickets to this event we had gone to every year since we were married and this year he wouldn't allow me to go with him. He and his brother were going. So I was forced to drive a seperate car, yet he knew I would be there. And much to my dismay I arrived to see him with her and another couple!! I lost my temper, there was a scene and I left before the concern ever started. He came home that night, crawled in bed with me, told me he loved me and was sorry. It was better for a about a week he didn't talk to her, then it started all over again. We went on a vacation alone for 7 days, to try to "fix" things. While we were gone everything was great. A month later he moved out. I lost my car and almost lost my home as a result of that affair and he could have cared less about me or the kids. I can not describe the pain I felt or how he crushed my heart. Six weeks after moving out I decided he had to make a choice me or her becasuse I couldn't live through this nightmare any longer. I went to his apartment said my peace and told him I was not leaving until he made a choice me or her. He was very angry not wanting to give her up, for the past 4 months he had us both. I was shocked when within 30 mins he said "I chooose you, there is no other choice to make". He agreed to call her within 24 hours and inform her he would never see or speak to her again, and he did. He wasn't ready to move home yet, nor was I ready to have him home. We spent the next 4 weeks spending some time together and he eventually started staying over and then finally came back home. All of this in about 4 months from begining to end. It was all very tramaic. So now he is back home and things are good, very good. Not what they were but I had finally lost hope that we would ever get that back. It was a really rough year of dealing with pain, resentment, blame, and a lot of anger...etc But with a year drawing near I felt like I was finally moving past it and letting go of some of the anger. Things were continuing to get better and better. I did still question him like crazy and from time to time I felt uneasy about this girl or that in the end I felt like I was being controlling and overbearing, an over jelous wife is what he would say. In the mist of all of this I rekindled a sort of lost friendship with my neighbor. Which by the way had somewhat ended becasue in a drunken stuper a few years ago she was making advances toward my H. So throughout the A I was confiding in her. She was very negitive toward him, always telling me to leave him, and continously creating doubt in my mind. He of course said "she's causing trouble stay away from her". So over the course of THIS summer our friendship began to dwendle again from 2-3 hour daily conversations and hanging out to once every week or 2 20 min conversations. I tried to surround myself with positive people and she was very negitive. I felt like I was begining to obsess about the A again becasue I was home alone all the time. So I decided to get a PT job just to get out of the house. This seemed to improve things greatly!!! So I came home from work one saturday afternoon, about a month ago to an empty house. My husband was at his parents and had called and left a message to be ready we were going out to dinner and a movie. I was so excited, we had not been out in Months!!! So I get all ready, taking the time to look extra special. He comes home, we are getting ready to leave and I walk out the door to my neighbor standing there, with tears in his eyes he says he needs to tell me something. My H comes outside and starts saying "no, don't do this". Boy was I confussed about what's going on. These guys are friends, what in the world?! Right, finally the neighbor tells me my H has been cheating on me again, and with his wife. I felt like I had been hit by a truck to say the least. Once again I lost my temper. My first reaction after I calmed down was Im not going through this again, Im done, Not again. Now that this is out, I see all the signs I missed. This woman I thought was my friend and 10 years older than he, so I never felt the need to be concerned about her. This A took place in my home on Valentines Day and several times while my H was on duty. Within 30 mins of all this he called his chief and quit his job. He told me all about both A's and more from the first came out, more things that he had been lying about for the 11 months that we had been "back together". He had been having sex with both, unprotected sex with second and myself. The later of two had resulted in pregnacy, the child was miscarried therefore the father was undetermined my H or hers. As the first A was about to end the second was just begining. So for almost 2 years he had conviced me I was an overbearing, over jelous wife that was so insecure about myself that I took it out on him. When all the while I was dead on what I was feeling. I feel like such an iodit!!! All the signs were there the first time, I choose to ignore them. I didn't see the signs the second time. And now I am blaming myself for both. I gave the second girl all the information she needed to persue my H. His pager #, work schedule, private information about our life that she played off of. Times I felt neglected I know I pushed him away, and she was there. He claims that she persued him the entire life of the A and that everytime it occured he told her that was it, it was over and then she would threaten to get him fired (because he was on duty) or tell me because she had heard me say a billion times if he did it again I was leaving him. Basically the just of it is he admitted to the first as being his fault. The second, he is trying to convince me she was blackmailing him, he didn't want it to contiue beyond the first time he just did it to keep her mouth shut. Which brings about so many questions for me. I think the biggest one for all of you is in both A's I have felt more anger toward the OW than my H. I don't know how I can ever trust him again or even begin that process. I have found myself being overly sexual with my H I guess in a effort to keep him from wandering again? The first time I thought it was because I was older and he wanted someone younger but the second was 5 years older than I. These 2 girls are very different from each other and I from them. I feel helpless and I feel like no matter what I will never be what he wants regardless. I keep thinking maybe I shouldn't have pushed so hard about the Acd or about changing jobs. I feel like a crazy lady, I can't handle the up and down of all this. Please help!!! Any info would be greatly appericated.

Welcome to marriagebuilders. It is a great place to be under the circumstances. No one will understand what you are going through like those of us who have gone through it too.

It sounds like your husband does love you. But he needs to do some self-examination to figure out why he keeps doing this.

You might start by printing out the emotional needs questionnaire, and trying to meet each other's top needs.

Also you might want to try posting on the general questions forum, as there is much more activity there, and you will get more input.

Please keep reading and posting, things are terrible at first, but do get better.

Welcome to MB FM,
Wow,
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My H comes outside and starts saying "no, don't do this". Boy was I confussed about what's going on. These guys are friends, what in the world?! Right, finally the neighbor tells me my H has been cheating on me again, and with his wife. I felt like I had been hit by a truck to say the least. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I felt the truck hit ME when I read this. How awful this must have been for you. You were completely blindsided, I am SO sorry for that. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> I didn't do this to you, but it's next to one of the hardest things I've read on here so far. I remember DDAY...I remember the OW answering her phone, and when I asked her...do you know MR. First Name Last Name...she said...yes..that's my Boyfriend. I nearly puked right on the kitchen floor..felt my knees weaken. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Tell me what YOU want. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> Forget about what HE wants, what kind of woman you think he's looking for. Sweetie..this has absolutely NOTHING to do with you, I promise you...this is HIS issue...don't try to take ownership of it.

What does your H want now ?

I know how you are feeling and I wish I could have some answers for you. I think you know what you need to do as I know what I need to do but it's hard to do it and take the step forward. I can only tell you what I'm trying to do and that's take care of me. Our husbands obviously have a problem and it's not sex or how great we are or how much we do or don't do. They are the ones that are not confident with themselves and seek gratification from other women. We have to learn to love ourselves enough to put an end to this. As for me I just have not learned how yet but am learning more every day. I hope you find your answers but remember to love you first.

Jersey~
I'm not really sure what I want. It really changes from day to day as Im sure you know. As long as things are going good I want to stick it out becasue I think if we make it through this we can make it through anything. But one little upset minor as it maybe and I want to run. I am scared to death he will do this to me again and that is what makes me want to leave. Regardless I love him with all I have, and feel like I would die without him. But I also feel like I would die if he ever does this to me again. Any suggestions on how to get past those feelings? Or the constant reminders and thoughts everytime I close my eyes?

Since he quit police work he is happier than ever, back to the man he was before. Everything is awesome....he is working his @ss off trying to makeup for what he has done. He wants to work it out and is putting forth great effort. I just don't want to be stuip again!!

Coswife,
Thank you for your reply. That is exactly where I am at right now. I know lately I have said and done a lot of things that have hurt his feelings. I have apologized for them and explained to him that I have to take care of ME and make ME happy again because he hasn't been. I know this happened for many reasons, and I am partially to blame but mostly I am not. I want to help him overcome this need for attention from OW. I just don't know HOW to be enough for him so that he is not lured in by aggressive women. Sometimes I feel like no matter what I will never be enough.

Hi! I don't really have advice, but just want to say we seem to be in the same boat as wondering how to deal w/the fact that our WH's need attention from OW. I wonder too if that will ever change. I'm glad to hear he seems to be working hard at trying to make things work. Best of luck to you!