I'll try to be brief. I have encountered an unusual bump in my relationship. I've lived with my wife for 15 yrs. We were married 8 yrs ago before our daughter was born. We have her and a 4 yr old son. Over the past few yrs, my work has consumed me and I neglected my family time and they kind of got used to me being away at work. About a month ago, I woke up. I realize I have the perfect woman and family and we had a long talk and our relationship has improved greatly. We talked about us having issues and I'm working on it. It's hard work being a good husband, but I am willing to do it. It's been about a month, and she compliments me every day and tells me she is so happy.

Here comes the snag, my wife is not very computer literate and accidentally left her email on before she left. I'm not normally nosey, but I looked at some. Big mistake. I wish I never found out what I know now. It seems she is falling in love with a woman. She has never been gay, but does have many gay friends. She has always says she could never be with another woman. Her relationship with this woman is just beginning and their emails talk about how our relationship has lost the passion. That is a topic that came up in our own talks and and we both agree it's getting better. But I know she has an interest in this woman. She is always texting her and calling and although she guards her phone, she openly talks about this woman because she doesn't expect me to see a romance there. Beside talking about our problems, they openly discuss their feeling towards each other and their is no mistake, it is very personal and sexual. I now feel as if I'm in a competition. She has no clue I know about the other woman. She says she loves me very much and we are planning for a great future with the new me.

I love my wife more than life itself and would easily forgive her, but cannot stand the thought of her falling in love with a woman. If it were a man, it would be different I guess. They have been talking this way I'd say about a month. I'm not sure if the relationship has become physical.

The big question: I don't know if I should let this play out and hope she picks the new me and this just becomes a fling in her life that just fades away and we live happily ever after, or should I confront her about it and force the issue. Maybe I could somehow stop their relationship before it really starts. Although, this way I stand to end up in divorce which I do not want. If I get her to talk about it, will she just leave me and our family or will she try to fix "us". I feel she went to this other woman because something was missing from me. I now realize that and I'm correcting that but wonder if I did it too late. I want to talk to her but I'm afraid of the outcome. She really values our family and says she wants to be with me forever. I am totally consumed with this problem and have though about seeing a professional to discuss options but thought I would try this forum first.

I would appreciate any input before I confront her with my knowledge. Thanks in advance...

Stumped

Stumped,
If you feel that your marriage is threatened by your W’s relationship with this OW, then you need to confront your W with your fears. Simply sit her down and tell her what you know, how you know it, and what you feel about what you’ve learned.

First of all, it’s the honest thing to do.

Second, your W deserves the opportunity of you letting her help to resolve the problem.

Third, weather her friendship with this woman is innocent or not, it’s causing you, her partner in life, pain and anxiety. On this basis alone, a loving partner should be willing to give up any activity that creates this kind of problem.

Fourth, no matter what your W agrees to do, put key logger software on the computer so that you can monitor the situation. Understand, when your marriage is threatened, there is nothing wrong, dishonest or underhanded about spying.
Coach

Welcome to marriagebuilders. It is a great place to be under the circumstances. Stay with us and read for awhile, until you get the hang of the MB program.

Start in Plan A. You can read all about it on the link in my signature line.

It sounds like this is an emotional affair, which is very common. But it could be headed toward a physical affair.

You will need to talk to your wife about this, but must do it calmly, telling her you love her and want to stay married forever.

Then it will be essential for her to have no contact with this woman. That is the hard part, because it is likely that your wife has become "addicted" to this emotional fix.

If you are considering counseling, you might want to try the phone counseling with the Harley's. It is quite expensive, but they cut to the chase and help you get the affair ended, and is much cheaper than divorce.

Read about the emotional needs here, and see if you can start meeting her top emotional needs. Also you might want to post on general questions as there is much more traffic there, and you will get more responses.

So stick with us, and we will help you through this. You can have a much better marriage than before.

click on the link in my signature line. The path to recovery from an emotional affair is the same as for a physical one.

As long as she is directing her romantic, intimate energy in the direction of this woman, it will be impossible for you to fix your marriage, because her emotional energy will be going to her, not you.

I think it would be interesting to monitor things for a while before you let her know that you are aware of her EA. Obviously, you are in a great position because her A is not yet physical and you can make a superb effort to be the husband you should have been. Maybe your behaviour will help to reawaken her feelings for you and you might be able to avoid the whole 'blow up' of her feeling you spied on her, snooped etc. It doesn't seem to be the advice of the others. It may bring out the best in you both. Good luck.