Hello everyone,
I've been reading posts all week but this is my first time posting. A week and a half ago I accidentally discovered that my husband had set up a secret e-mail account and wrote to an escort service "provider" asking to meet with her. I also discovered that he had been frequenting strip clubs and drinking heavily when he travelled on business. When I confronted him he confessed everything. He said that ever since he got into the sales division of his company a year ago and has been doing extensive travelling, that he has been living this lifestyle of drinking, smoking, going to strip clubs and bars, and that one time he had sex with a prostitute in his hotel room.

My husband and I have been married 14 years and have three young children. We are both Christians who had never slept with anyone else before we were married. We lived a very clean lifestyle and I thought that I knew him. To find out that he has done these things is so utterly shocking that I don't know how I will ever get over it. He says that it had nothing to do with me, that he regrets everything and will never do any of it again, that he loves me and our children and is grateful to me for giving him a second chance. He has begun seeing a Christian counsellor and reading a lot of books to help.

I am just so devastated. I guess my life up until now has been pretty happy and sheltered, and I have never been so wounded and crushed. I hardly even have the heart to be angry. I still can't understand how my husband, my best friend, the man I trusted implicitly and who I thought I knew everything about, could do this.

We have been very close since this happened, talking a lot with lots of intimacy. I don't know if I have forgiven him yet, though, or how I ever will. I don't know if this almost physical ache in my heart will ever go away. Worst of all, I can't ever tell anyone about this. Our families would be almost as devastated as I am, and I don't think that my family could ever forgive him. I'm too humiliated to tell my friends.

I feel that he is getting off too easy in all of this. I don't know exactly what I would like to see happen, but all I know is that I am suffering intensely every day, and that he is mostly relieved and happy that I am staying with him and that he still has his family, and that no one will ever find out.

Just wanted to talk to people who can understand. Thanks for listening.

Sweetie - I do understand. And I am so sorry. A couple of things you need to address pretty quickly. One is the issue of STD testing. 70% of workers in those clubs have at least one STD - I'm sure the stats are more shocking for the prostitutes.

The second is the need to eliminate the travel. I know this is a terrible thing to contemplate, but this lifestyle is very seductive. You have no idea. Simply saying one won't do it again is not nearly enough.

And finally, you should have some sort of spyware on your computer to monitor the possibility of secret email accounts.

I'd be happy to talk with you more about this off the boards. You can email me at penny.tupy@symcinc.com

Many hugs,
C

I can sympathize with you and your H. The lifestyle is very seductive, and especially in your H's profession (peer pressure is not an excuse, but it is likely a factor). Odds are that he thought if you never found out that it would not hurt you.

You BOTH should see the MC. Your H is/was dishonest, and has probably kept some dissatisfaction with your M from you. A MC will help you deal with your resentment, and hopefully help to build a stronger M. The upside of this is that, if you choose to stay with him, you know his weaknesses and you can protect yourself and your family.

"I feel he is getting off too easy on this"

Welcome to our (BS) world! It always comes up that there is no "justice", just seems to be forgiveness,...then moving on and getting over it.

Some WS are very remorsefull and get depressed and are ladened (sp) with guilt. I guess that is the justice.

Unless you D the guy and take him to the cleaners!

k

I can relate very much to your situation. My best advice is hang in there, I know it is so tough, and the pain is incredibly deep right now but as days, and weeks go by things will get better. I promise!!!! I know it is sickening that he is happy and relieved while you are still in shock. He is happy because he is free of that burden, not because he is proud of what he has done. He has to live with the incredible pain he has caused you. Something I truly believe that has been my saving grace through all of this is that what you place upon others will one day be placed upon you. One day he will feel the pain you are feeling. I'm not saying the reason or circumstances will be the same or even similar but in one way or another things always make their way back around. Best of luck, and hang in there!!