I found MB a couple of weeks ago and have been reading and learning much and so I have finally plucked up courage to post my story and ask for help and advice in my situation.
The basic details are-

BS (me) 46
WAW 40
Married 22 years
Together 25 years
3 sons 19, 17, 14
D-Day 25 June 04
W moved in with her parents 27 June 04
W moved in with OM 20 Aug 04

My wife and I are both Christians and have been actively involved in our church all our married life. We have been faithful to each other for 22 years and neither of us previously had other sexual partners. I always believed that we were together for life and never thought that infidelity would ever enter into my life. It therefore came as a huge shock to me to discover that my precious wife had started a PA with a man at her workplace.
I discovered a text message from the OM while we were on holiday. The boss had found out about their affair and he was alerting my wife that they had to be careful in the future. He was also encouraging her to leave me saying "I know you love me and want to be with me. You have told me many times that you dont love your husband". I went into a state of great shock and when I was able to speak to my wife she confirmed all that he had written was true. They had been having an EA for a few weeks and it became a PA the day before we left for holiday.
We were unable to fly back to the UK for two days and on the day we arrived back my wife moved out to live with her parents. I pleaded with her not to go but she said that she needed a few days to think things through.
Four days later she told me that she was not coming back as she loved the OM and did not even want to try to save our marriage. I was totally devastated and had no idea that our marriage was in trouble, let alone finished. I could not understand why this had happened when everything seemed ok. We had made love within hours of her adultery and several times also in the week before D-Day.
She has also always been such a devoted mother to our three boys and I cannot understand how she can leave them in this way. To date she has only seen them a few times since she moved out.
Initially I did all the wrong things such as sending letters, text messages and phone calls pleading for her to return home. This only drove her further away and she became angry with me for not accepting the situation. In the past two and a half months I have backed off and tried to give her the space she wanted. Our only contact has been over financial issues and matters concerning the children.

What I have not mentioned is the situation of the OM. He was working with my wife while he was on day release from prison. He has served several years in jail for manslaughter. The PA occured after everyone else had gone home and before he had to go back to prison for the night.
He was in an "open prison" to finish his sentence. I just cannot understand how my wife who loved and served the Lord and taught Sunday School for many years could fall in love with such a person.
The prison authorities on finding out what was happening moved him to a jail some distance away. My wife went to visit him every week. He was released on 20 August and moved home with his parents. (He is divorced, no children). A couple of days later my wife also moved in there. She is now travelling over three hours daily so that she can live with him and still work at the same place. He had hoped to get a job there upon his release, but the authorities have not allowed this. My wife blames me for this situation!! It was not me who told them, but I did write to the prison governor to express my anger that this man was not only in a position to conduct an affair with my wife but was also able to collect my son every saturday morning and take him into work also. Of course when this was happening I had no idea that the man was a convicted killer and still in prison. I did not find this out until a few days after my wife had left. It seems incredible, but here in the UK prisoners are given cars and mobile phones and left alone to go out each day to work to enable them to get used to living in the community again.

I am still desperately in love with my wife and long for her to come to her senses and return home. She is so far from this at the moment but I hang on in faith that the God of the impossible can change her heart and I am praying towards this end every day.
But I long to know if there is anything that I can do to get her back. I have read much in the last couple of months and learned so much from various people. I have just ordered two of Dr Harleys books and have also read books from Gary Chapman, James Dobson & Michelle Weiner-Davis.
My wife just does not want to know me at the moment. She has been so besotted by the OM that she has only contacted our boys once since the OM was released from prison. She takes every kind and thoughtful move that I make in completely the wrong way. I can do nothing right.

I believe that God will answer my prayers but continually wonder if there is anytrhing that I should be doing. Is anyone else in a similar situation? Can anyone offer me advice?

Scotty,

I don't know if there is anything you can do, but allow me to make a few suggestions. The articles on Plan A and Plan B might help you. I suspect you are beyond plan A given her attitude, but it is worth reading, especially about Love Busters. It is time to reflect on your marriage and see if there things you could do differently that would set a better tone at home. Then, read more about plan A because it sets the tone of things.

However, it may be time to go to plan B and just cut all contact with her. Affairs usually end, but they take time. The problem is that unless you protect your love when it ends you may not care. So plan B is to slow down the rate at which you lose your love for her. It is NOT an intervention or a way to MAKE her come back. It simply reduces the daily pain so that you can go longer.

You have not mentioned if she has filed for divorce. I am guess she has not.

How are your children taking this? It is very important that you be very present in their lives right now. One of their parents has just abandoned them and you are the remaining parent. Do you best to talk with them, help them, listen to them and see if there is someone at your church to counsel them, and you for that matter.

This is a very hard situation. But, worse have turned around so give it time, lots of prayer, and do some homework as you have indicated you are doing.

God Bless,

JL

JL
Thanks for your helpful comments. I guess that I am already trying to put plan B into action. It seems much the same as what Dr. James Dobson calls tough love.

I have only met three times with my wife since D-Day. The first time was in week one when she told me that she did not want to try to mend our marriage. The second and third time was three weeks ago.
When my wife found out that I had written to the prison authorities about the OM coming to back to work in this area (amazingly the parole board told him that I had written!) she phoned me in a very angry way demanding to see me that night saying that she would no longer contribute towards the upkeep of the children and demanding that I start divorce proceedings. We met at the home of a couple of our friends and although she was very angry and bitter that her plans for her and the OM had been ruined, she eventually calmed down and agreed to still pay half of what she had been paying. She says she now needs to support OM as he has no home and no employment.
It appeared her prime reason for wanting a divorce was so she did not have to use my surname. I told her that there were simpler ways to achieve this! I agreed to meet her at the bank to open an account for her as she did not know how to go about this as I have always sorted out the finances and bills. After seeing her twice that week my feelings for her were of overwhelming sadness for I saw her in away that I had not seen in 25 years - miserable, angry and bitter. I find it hard to understand this reaction as I don't know what I have done to deserve this. My Pastor says this often happens when the guilty party tries to put the blame for their actions on the betrayed spouse. The woman I saw was not my wife of 22 years, she is not there anymore.

The only other contact (if you can call it that) is when I sent cards and flowers for our anniversary (no response). I sent a text message inviting her to come to our house and spend an evening with the boys, while I would arrange to go out (no response). I sent another text message this week saying that I was thinking of her and praying for her as she went into hospital for surgery to remove a non-cancerous lump from her breast (again no response). I want to show her that I love and care for her still.

There are thing that I have learned during this time alone that I now know were not right in our marriage. Dr. Harley has shown me how I was clearly not meeting her emotional needs or invoving her in all decision making. I was also involved in a couple of hobbies that included the boys but not my wife as she was not interested in these male pastimes. I can see how wrong I was and would love the opportunity to put thigs right (especially POJA).

The boys are doing much better now than in the first few weeks. I am giving them all my attention and our relationship has grown even deeper since their mum left home. I am trying to be extremely careful in everything that I say as I do not want to affect their relationship with their mum, although that is becoming strained as they do not see much of her. They have had great support from their friends and youth leaders at church, as indeed I have had also.

I am praying much for her and our marriage at this time and I have also grown even closer to God as a result of these events.

Thanks again for your input.

Scotty

Scotty

I am very sorry to hear this. Like you I am a BS as well.
I think first up you have to know NOTHING can make your ww come home to you, she has to decide that for herself.

Ok secondly YOU are going to have to protect your children from your WW actions and the OM, an ex killer and who knows what else. The authorities moved him very quickly after you complained about your child being picked up by him so I would say that is enough & all you need to know.

YOU cannot allow your WW to place your kids in danger. I know you wouldn't but you have to remember your w is deep in the fog, why would she leave her kids otherwise?

So I suggest you quickly see a lawyer to get SOLE custody based on abandonment & the character of the OM, do you know if he is on bail??? Now I know your youngest is 14 but still, you dont want him or your other kids hanging around someone who has already shown he will break the rules while at the open prison....sounds like hes well on the path to reforming himself doesn't it?
You also need the house, the family home in your name only..... eg your sons etc family home...

Can you do a formal separation in your state? It might be best to do that to protect your family & assets from the Om's influence. You dont have to divorce at all.


My kids ae 17 going on 18 & 16 going on 17 & they really dont want much to do with mum right now. Thats sad for all of us. I guess your kids are feeeling abandoned and angry too so you need to be be there for them even amongst your own pain. Are they taking theirs mums leaving hard or not saying much? I found the kids took my w actons VERY personally even though I tried to keep out of our problems, doesn't work.

I do think you need to do a plan B from right now. I think in your case you need to cut your WW from all contact & support. If she wants to talk finances - talk only about her requirements to pay for kids etc, in fact, if possible dont talk directly with her at all. Have her send written notes or have contact via a 3rd party - not any of your kids - right now your love is draining away and the more you talk to her direct the more love you will loose.

There is little you can probbably do now except expose the affair to her work, may get pressure to end from there, even if she lost her job it puts pressure on the affair, the church, family, you will have to see what is viable for you & may work.

As time goes on the odds favour your ww coming out of the fog and seeing what she is doing, however this can take a long time. During this time you may say the hell with her I dont want you back...well that is your right. If you decide to try & forgive & rebuild, well you are in the right spot.

Besides protecting yourself, the kids and the family assets, because I bet you anything you like the OM will start to put pressure on her to get 'their piece' of the goods, dont make any big decisions like divorce unless you are totally totally convinced that there is no other option.
However a legal separation or agreement will protect the kids at home where right now they need to be.

So read up here, ask for advice, and if you can get some couselling , maybe even book in for phone couselling here with Steve Harley who I understand has a lot of exprience in this area and scenario.

I wish you luck and God speed with looking after your family.

All men in the forum as well as betrayed women are with you.

1st of all I am struck by the fact that your W would go for an unemployed convict. You probably are saying---- "what is she thinking?"

Well---------- she is not thinking. This convict probably provided emotional intimacy that can only develop with a new person. In other words a new body is always more exciting even thou I would bet a case of Coca-Cola the convict is vastly inferior to you.

OM simply paid a lot of attention to her and probably allowed your wife to be his counselor. These things are intoxicating to some and in no time the brain chemistry changes and they don’t think rationally anymore. Do not blame yourself-------- sometimes these affairs occur in perfect marriages.

You will not be able to reason with W. However, sooner or later she will see that she picked a loser. I am sure this subject is in jail for a good reason-------- do you agree?

Tell her to pack her belongings and do not communicate with her. However, advise her that she is welcome to the home again. I don’t think there anything else you can do.

My W had an affair with a man who was highly inappropriate for her as a mate. This did not stop her-------- once the brain changed she could not reason very well. It is the addiction thing------ ask around.

On D-day I told my wife to leave with the OM and for some reason she saw the light and in that instant and decided to stay. I guess her addiction was not as bad.

The big deterrent in my wife’s case was the children. In your case your wife seems to care little for your kids. Remember the children feel as betrayed as you. Luckily in my case the children never knew that their mom was unfaithful.

She will come back------- hang tight.

Good Luck!

Aussie and Stanley,
Thank you for taking time to reply. I really do appreciate your thoughts and advice. I will try and answer your questions and comments.

I am determined to protect my children from this man. The very fact that my wife will tell me very little about him alarms me greatly. She will not even tell me his full name so I am unable to do any research (newspapers, websites etc) to find out the full details of his crime. All I know is what my wife has told my oldest son and that is that he has served 4 years of an 8 year sentence for manslaughter. He is now out on parole for good behaviour while in prison. Apparently he knocked down and killed a man in his car. He knew the man he killed and there was a bad history between them. My wife says he is reformed and she is accepting him for what he is now and for how he has been to her. I really do not know the full truth and much of what I have been told does not ring true.

I am very fortunate to have a personal friend who is a divorce lawyer and he has advised me that because the boys are all teenagers and one is now an adult that any judge would always let the boys choose who they wanted to live with. He has also advised me that my wife cannot force me to sell the family home until the youngest has reached 18 years old. I'm in the U.K., not sure how this compares with the USA.
However, when I met with my wife at the bank she told me that she did not want her name to be on the mortgage and has decided to sign the deeds of the property solely to me. My bank and solicitor are now working on this and I hope that she will sign before the OM gets her to change her mind. I am very aware that the OM has nothing. No house (living with parents), No employment and few possessions. I am sure that half of my property seems a very attractive proposition to him.

Aussie, I agree that it is very difficult to keep the boys out of our problems, especially at their ages. They have been very hurt by their mum's actions, even more so as what she is doing is totally contrary to all that we have ever taught them from a Biblical point of view. They are naturally quite quiet boys and at times really do not want to talk about the situation and I am honouring this. However, last night my mum accidentally let slip to my eldest son that his mum was now living 70 miles away in London with the OM and travelling back and forth each day for work. I had no choice but to confirm this to my son and he was angry and upset that she was doing this. He asked his mum about this in a text message and she denied it! LIED to him!
I have proof that it is true and she has even confirmed it to a friend of ours. The wife I completely trusted has decieved me and lied to me and now she is lying to her children. She is getting deeper and deeper into the mire.

Stanley, I agree that my wife is not thinking at all right now. She is deep in the fog and I hope and pray that soon she will see the OM for what he is... a loser and a man with a bad record against his name. I do really hope that you are right that one day she will come to her senses and come home. Reminds me very much of the story Jesus told about the prodigal son (Luke15) where the father was waiting and longing for the return of his son. It was only when the son sank to his lowest point (literally in the pig pen!) that he came to his senses and returned home to the father who was waiting and watching for him.
I am praying and longing for that day. I cannot do otherwise, I love her too much.

Scotty

I failed again in plan B today!

I sent some mail on to my wife at her place of work and she sent me a message saying "why did you open it". rying to do plan B, I almost ignored this but then thought I had to explain that I thought it was junk mail (we receive many daily which I have not been sending to her), but when I opened it I found that it was a bill for a new contract phone that she had taken out using our home address where she has not lived for three months.
My explanation fell on deaf ears and she then told me "dont you dare do that again". I responded by telling her that all future mail for her would be returned to sender.

This small episode upset me for the whole day as I just cant figure her attitude. She is so angry and bitter yet she is the one who has betrayed me and left her children!
My responses to her were always polite and I also asked how she was doing after her surgery two days ago, but she totally ignored this.

Everything I do or say seems to be taken the wrong way. I just cannot do anything right.
I think I will have to cut all contact with her and follow Aussie's advice to use a third party to contact her over finances etc.

her behaviour is not unusal Scotty. From what I have read here and elsewhere your WW is almost following a script laid down for WW's.

She is blaming you for her cheating & betraying you and is convinced the adultry was something you caused.

The closest explanation that makes sense to me I have ever heard came from an FWW who posts here sometimes and said she NEEDED to blame anyone but herself, because she could not face that all her actions were her choices, that the people she loved most she chose to hurt and betray.
It was a deliberate act of complete and utter selfishness and disregard for anyone including her children.
I'd bet it is the same for men who cheat.

As for your children, I can only advise what quite a few people who had gone through this said to me.... dont volunteer unless they are so upset you need to interfere, but if they ask DO NOT LIE, tell them the truth relevant to their ages. That means if your sons ask is she really living with the OM then you must answer with the truth. If you do not really know but have some info to indicate this, then tell them it would appear so because of..... they do not need lies from you now, you are their pillar and anchor in a world gone crazy. They need to know they can trust you absolutely even when the news is bad.

Should you do the plan B thing you do need to tell your older kids for sure that you are doing this because it hurts to much to stay in contact with her. I think they will need to understand what you are doing and why. I wouldn't force them to know but I would offer to explain Plan B reasons, not nessessarily the strategy behind it, but the effect. This is important where you have a third person do the contact. You dont want the kids caught in between you and WW so the truth from dad will aid in that process.

You did well with the letters I think by not jumping in to the fight she was looking for. She wants you to LB her now to justify her decison to leave. She can then point and say, 'see look what I had to put up with!' steer clear of her attempts to engage her in such disputes.
Should she make outlandish statements do not respond to them directly. Instead turn them aside with gentle rebuffs. Your ww will twist the history of your entire life together Scotty, be prepared for that.

Scotty you need to go dark for your sake and the remaining love you have for our Wife. If this continues she will drain your love for her from you and that will be that.
This is really a last ditch effort to let her stew in her own choices for as long as it takes.
You may fail every now & then but thats ok, you start over from where you left it.

Scotty, I do work wih a lot of x cons & their partners and unfotunately most relationships fail a lot with domestic violence or behaviour issues. The odds are against them. My caution to you is not to be her cousellor and helper ok? Leave that to someone like me who is paid by the Gov to help her out of where she is into refuges etc. I have seen xh or partners rush to their X's aid only to have them run off AGAIN to the piece of you know what................remember
always you must have your plan in mind, she is welcome home WHEN she will NEVER contact OM again, agrees to go to MC with you to work out problems etc etc

However Scotty I would take her up on the offer to get only you on the titles asap. No one can say if she will ever come to her senses, I guess she will, but who can know for sure.

The kids, the house titles, Plan B then wait & see.
Is there any hope to expose the affair to her employer and family friends etc?? This is a good move in your situation if you can.
The more pressure she gets the better for her to end affair.

Scotty,,,

Your story saddens me to the core.
Your wife even has me asking "what in the world is she thinking" I have read alot about affairs and yes her actions are not uncommon. However they do seem un motherly. 22 yrs of marriage,,, kids and is willing to say the heck with that life.
This OM has definately got some strong hooks in her.
There is no better advice that I can give you than the others have allready offered.

Please be strong, and perhaps in the future the tides will turn.

Scotty:

You don't have to do a thing. The chances of your wife having a successful relationship with OM are near 0%. All stats are in your favor.

One more thing------ Things may be real difficult now, but if things don't work out you are young enough to find another nice woman. However, stats suggests that your wife be be back at some point.

Aussie,

Thanks again for your very thoughtful and helpful reply. I really appreciate you taking interest in my situation and also taking the time to reply.
I know that I have to go dark on her and not respond when she does challenge me. I do believe that she is in the depths of a mid-life crisis and is getting close to breaking point. Last Christmas she had major stress problems in her previous employment where she had worked for 10 years. She had three weeks off work and then had to leave because she was unable to work for her bullying manager anymore. We took legal advice and were told that we had a strong case to take to court for constructive dismissal. However, my wife was in such a distressed state that she just wanted to put it all behind her and start afresh. She was offered the first two posts she applied for and took the one where she works today. It was here that she met the OM....
I think in reflection that no-one (doctor, family, myself) really recognised what she had gone through and I now wonder if she was suffering depression. She seemed to regain confidence in her new job, but I saw changes in behaviour and attitude which concerned me.
We talked and she reassured me that it was nothing to do with our relationship. She still loved me, told me so and sent messages to me on my phone saying so, but she did say that she felt she was no longer needed by the boys as they were growing up and becoming independent. I understood this and we talked about their changing needs and assured her that they still very much needed her but in a different way from when they were younger.
But then the OM started working on her. She told me about something that he had said to her (that she was a wonderful woman and he loved working with her). I was greatly alarmed and told her that he was making moves and she needed to be very careful. She told me that the next day she warned him off and that was the end of it. I trusted her completely and never asked anymore, but clearly he did not back off and they started an EA, soon becoming PA.

Her employer does know of the situation. The message I found from the OM on D-Day was him telling my wife that they had been seen together and that the boss knew what was happening. Her employer wanted the OM to come back to the garage to work when he finished his prison sentence, but of course the authorities would not allow that when they discovered what had been taking place.
My wife's employer values my wife's work highly and seems to not be concerned about the situation.

All her family know too. We were on holiday in France with her sister and family when I found out about the affair. Immediately on our return she left our home she went back to live with her elderly parents. They were devastated by what she had done, but took her in out of love for her.
In the first two weeks I had much contact with my in-laws who I love dearly and they told me that they so much wanted her to return to me but they could not change her mind. Then I received a call from my SIL telling me to stay away from my FIL &MIL as I was making them ill!!! They could not cope with the stress of counselling my wife and dealing with my pain also. Out of love and respect for them I have not contacted them since and they have not sought to get in touch with me or their grandchildren. I am very saddened by this as I had such a good relationship with them over 25 years. My FIL and I were at one time both deacons in our church and we spent much time together. In fact, I looked on him as my father as I had not had contact with my biological father since I was a child. It really hurts that they too seem to have rejected me and the boys, or perhaps the pain really is too great for them and they cannot cope with it. Both are in their mid-seventies and have suffered poor health.

My wife is behaving in a manner that is just so different from the way that she has lived all her life. No-one would ever put her and the OM together. They have lived such different lives, but she seems to be giving up on all she has ever believed and practiced to be with him. She has not attended church in three months, whereas she has been every Sunday all her life except in times of illness. Could the stress/depression have caused this change??

Last week she came into our house when I was at work (I have not yet changed the locks) to take some possessions. She took no clothes or other personal items, but only took some miniature cottages that I had bought her as birthday and anniversary presents in the first years of our marriage. Why did she take THEM?? She would not tell me butI hope they are a reminder to her that I bought them out of love.

I take encouragement that she seems almost to be following a classic script for WW's and hope and pray that it will have a happy ending.

Scotty

Stanley,

I do hope you are right. The situation does seem unbelievable and everyone I have spoken with says that it cannot work between them. But at this moment she seems infatuated with him and this has robbed her of all sensible thinking including care of our children who she was previously devoted to.

I know that I am still young enough to find someone else, but I cannot begin to entertain those thoughts. My wife is the only woman that I have truly loved. I still am deeply in love with her despite the affair and the way she is treating me now. I really meant it when I vowed before God "for better for worse...till death"

Scotty

Hi Scotty

just wondered how you were going and if you had started to get your plan b into operation?

My thoughts are that the affair will collapse eventally but it could be sometime down the track. That she has given up everything, even her own kids, will hit her sooner or later. Especially as the kids will probaly become more resentful as time goes on.
I do think she will find out very soon that she has painted herself into a corner in her own mind.
Its possible that there may be another difficulty which will complicate matters. Young adults and older teens tend to see things in black or white when it comes to mum & dad. Just be prepared for your kids NOT to be too receptive about mum coming home which hopefully will be what she wants to do one day.
They will feel very angry that she has rejected them, because thats what they probably feel even if they cannot verbalise it as such.
I know that in my cousins case a similar thing happened with them when around the same age as your kids, they really did not have a relationship with their mum after that.
They ignored her & still do. It is a very sad situation especially as one of them was killed on active service.
Just be aware of the issues here as the kids may also need some help to handle this.

<small>[ September 19, 2004, 10:38 PM: Message edited by: aussie2 ]</small>

Hello Aussie,

I had a bit of a rollercoaster day yesterday. Some friends of ours invited the boys and me to Sunday lunch and to spend the afternoon with them. We had a really lovely time and I greatly appreciated their kindness. It was great to eat a real Sunday roast dinner for the first time in three months since my wife left. I'm not too clever with cooking, but trying to learn quickly!
It was a beautiful early autumn day and after lunch we went for a walk through the woods down to the river. It was very enjoyable, but it did remind me of how alone I felt. My friends were so thoughtful, but I just kept wishing that my WW was there too. I cried many tears alone in bed last night and my head feels a bit fuzzy this morning. I've got a busy day ahead so I have got to get things straight.

Trying to put plan B into action and am determined not to have any contact with WW. I wanted so much to write to her last night and send a copy of a letter I found on this site from a former WS to all WS spouses everywhere. But I know at the moment she would not read it and it would only push her furtheraway. I miss her so much and at times the pain is overwheming when I am alone in bed knowing that she is in the arms of OM.

Scotty

Hi Scotty

good to see you getting on well with your kids and going out with friends. Keep that up. let friends & family know you are up for outings etc.

There will be a lot of emotion at this time Scotty so you may want to see your doctor and get some anti d's for a while, maybe Zoloft something like that to help you over this hump.
If you dont want to take those what about taking St John Wort?? being used big time now for AD and it has no known side effects, no prescriptions and you can get it at local health stores.

Keep away from contact or you will be hurt again, nothing surer. If you have not sent your PLAN b letter do so now. Plan B letters set out your boundaries and what she needs to do to repair M, & why no contact.

Hello Aussie,

I am working on Plan B letter at the moment. Have written a draft based on letters on this forum. I want to refine it a bit before I send it. I'm not sure how she will react when she receives it. Part of me thinks that she will be happy with NC as it seems to be what she wants. But I also know she will be angry when I mention that I will always desire reconciliation when OM is off the scene as she has told me in very clear terms that our marriage is over and she wants to be with OM for life. She has only known him for 6 months and five of those he has been in prison! Talk about being in the fog!
Had no contact with WW for a week now

I am on a mild Anti-D from my doctor (Amitriptyline) mostly to help me get a good night's sleep and they are working. I am very thankful to have a very understanding and caring doctor who always asks me about the situation, my wife and boys. He always takes time to talk and has been very helpful.

Thanks for keeping in touch.
Scotty

Update

I sent the plan B letter one week ago and expected my WW to react angrily as she had done to previous letters. She did not even contact a friend of ours to comment on it or complain about me still wanting reconciliation as she had done before. Part of me wonders whether she was just glad that I had said that I would not contact her (except in emergency)while she is still in relationship with OM, or maybe she did not even bother to read it.

Anyhow, yesterday I had to break the Plan B as my eldest son had an accident in his car. He was ok, thank God, but the car was a mess and he was stranded by a motorway three hours away. I had to contact my WW to let her know what had happened and seek her help to recover the car (she works at a repair garage). When speaking to her I heard my caring, thoughtful wife of 22 years and not the harsh, bitter alien that she has turned into in the last three months. It was so good to hear her like that, but so confusing.
Does she only appear that way to me? Is it only me who sees her in the fog.

I cling on to the thought that she is in the fog and one day my real wife will reappear. The affair is so out of character for her and is contrary to the moral and ethical code she has lived by all our lives. But she is still living with OM and having only minimal contact by phone with our three boys.

Day after day seem endless to me as I wait for her to come to her senses and as I pray for her to come home. Although I am surrounded my many wonderful friends and family who have given much help, I feel so lonely without her and cannot see a future without the only woman I have ever loved. I had to go back to the doctor yesterday as I had several nights of crying myself to sleep and feeling so low. He prescribed a stronger AD and has signed me off work for two weeks with depression.
I never thought that I would be in this state. I have always felt so strong, but my whole world is collapsing around me and although I have faith in a great God to work miracles I feel so weak at this time.

I know that time is still young. It is only just over three months since D-Day and she has only been with OM for 6 weeks (he was in prison previously), but three months seems like so much longer and I can't bear the thought of the months turning into years while I wait and pray.

Scotty

Scotty

you have done all you could have to date in the face of great pain & hurt from your ww.
I do think that in the long term this realtionship will fail, most do, but especially with OM's back ground.

Do not worry about breaking contact in the face of emergencies. Its really up to you if you should tell her anything or not, or if the kids want her to know, you will decide that together as any event happens. They may want her around at such times or they may not, I guess you will have to respect their wishes either way.

What YOU need now is to look after yourself so you can be there for your kids. You need to move on & enjoy life again as much as you can. At this time most will recommend that you do not date as your M is not over & your ww may want to return to you, then YOU will need to decide what YOU want. I do think that is something only YOU can decide and in your particular circumstances I think that is only right and proper.
Start with going out with friends and family, at work outings or social events.

If you have not had any counselling yet perhaps you should for yourself and maybe seek a session for yourself with the Harleys for advice on where you are and what else you can do. At the very least you will know from their vast experience what your chances may be.

Mate I dont know what else there is for you to do right now but stick it out and keep yourself fit mentally and physically.

Aussie,

Thanks again for responding. I am trying to be strong for the boys. Sometimes it is very hard and I have to shut myself away in my room where they cannot see me upset. When my wife left, my eldest son said to our pastor that one of the hardest things was to see his Dad cry. Well he has seen that many times now and I am no longer ashamed to show my emotion when talking to them, although I make a huge effort to restrain myself because of their feelings. I know that they are really hurting, especially the youngest and he sometimes breaks down over the smallest of problems facing him.

Can anyone (perhaps a FWW) try and explain to me what is in the mind of a mother who leaves her children behind for the love of an OM?
I really struggle with this, particularly as my wife has always been a loving mother who has lived for her boys and been totally devoted to caring for them. How can she just stop seeing them. She has only seen our youngest once in six weeks and that was only for 45 minutes to take him out for a KFC meal. She does phone them and send text messages, but does not arrange time to see them. She works only two miles from our house but then travels 70 miles each way to live with OM. Before I sent the Plan B letter I tried inviting her back to our home to spend an evening with the boys while I went out but twice she declined. It seems all her spare time is given over to being with the OM.

I know that for me dating is completely out of the question. I love my wife and long for reconciliation. I know other people have different views, but I want to and I must stand for my marriage. I promised before God, our friends and our family that I would love, honour and cherish her, through good times and bad, till death seperates us. I know that she has broken that vow, but I just can't.
She has caused me such hurt, but the Bible teaches that true love keeps no record of wrong. I love her deeply and am trying to live by my faith at this tough time.

Still praying and believing.

Scotty

Scotty8===
I am a WW writing you and trying to help you understand your wife's actions!!
She was a devoted mother before, I am sure of that.
But now she is in love-lust with the OM.
I am sure she is completely engulfed in the fog of the affair, but at the same time she can see thru it, and she knows what she is doing to her sons, and husband.
What can she say to her sons when she c omes to visit with them? How do you think she feels? How can she look at them straight in the face and try to be a normal mother, while she is living with another man?
She just CAN'T!!!!
She rather stay away, and not show her face, and be labeled as a "bad mom". She is not a bad mother, but she thinks that if her children see her now, they will think much worst than what they are allready thinkking!!!
When we have A, we get completely involved in the OM. We dont see or comprehend anything else!!! Since she is living with the OM, she will have to find out in due time, what kind of a jerk he is!!! And that, I am sure, with the OM's record will happen soon.
I feel so sad for what you are going thru. I cannot imagine the magnnitude of the pain you are feeling. My husband found out about my A, and I did not move out with him, but he has suffered sooooooooo much. I have seen my husband cry several times. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> And that is a very disturbing thing to see. Crying because of MY actions. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
You seem like a very good, forgiving man. I hope everything solves the way it is good for everyone, but especially for your sons. Something like that it is harder for boys to take than girls, my opinion!!!
I wish you the best, and try to stay calm . You are not going to solve anything by getting "bend out of shape"!
Try to be a good dad to your kids, go to church, and let the days go by, slowly, yes, but things will get better for you. You will get stronger and have a better vision of what you really want to do.
Go to church, pray, stay close to your children and other family members. For me, going to church with my husband and family is very therapeutic!!! I get this peace inside of me, that makes everything look so much better!
I wish you the best!!!
Take care.
MYRTA

<small>[ October 02, 2004, 10:52 PM: Message edited by: Myrta ]</small>