I'm really really new here.
I found out for sure last week that my wife was having an affair. I monitor phone calls and heard way more than I wanted to. She promised not to have contact with him.
I new she was having some emotional issues for almost 9 mo. for a list of other reasons that I won't go into right now. I tried to help. She wouldn't let me close. I tried giving her 'space'.
I tried talking again last night. I didn't know the person I was talking with. She looked like my wife, but I didn't recognize much more.
I plan on posting more info on this whole mess later, but am looking for some advise today. See she asked me what I wanted from her last night, and all I could blurt out was "honesty". So I think I need to give her more than that right now. I'm going to give it to her today. soon.
Does anyone have any advise for a completely crushed man on the list I made??
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Last night you asked me what I want.
Here's a start.

I want you to be absolutely 100% honest about every single thing you say. Everything. No lies.

I want you to never see, talk to, email, write, or send third party messages to XXX ever again (which you said you would do). I want you to write an honest letter to him telling him that, and then I can read and send it in the mail.

I want you to give me some time to deal with what has happened, without causing further pain. I guess that means I don't want you going out alone or pressuring me about wanting to do so. I can tell that you have no idea what the pain is when you go out right now, or you know and you don't care. It's like turning a knife in my heart.

I want you to commit to marriage counceling, and convince me that you're committed to trying to make our marriage work. I think we need to first figure out how to deal with the affair issues. And how we will ever rebuild trust.

I want us to go to counceling together to try to help your longer term pain and issues you have held inside so long. Including all the problems that I have caused. I would like to see you try to resolve issues with your family. Maybe counceling can somehow help there as well.

I want you to commit to and go to Dr. XXXXXX. I want you to seek medical help for both physical and mental health. I want you to take seriously the physical health issues that you have, and get them treated. Also, I think you're at least in major depression, and there maybe some more involved real medical issues. Like the Bipolar disorder you mentioned. I think there may be help there somewhere as well. I want to see you healthy.

I want us not to involve our kids in all of this. I guess that also means being somewhat congenial and not disrespectful towards one another while we're trying to work thru this.

I don't want to try to control you.

I want to see you happy.

I'm sorry for all the reasons of any pain I have ever caused you. I never ever have wanted to cause you any pain.

If you can't tell, I think we have two really big problems here to deal with. My pain from the affair, and the pain you have built up inside for a lifetime. I think we need to try to heal them both.

I don't have the answers how. I think we need help.
I think marriage counceling is a place to start.
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thanks to anyone who responds........

<small>[ September 16, 2004, 12:54 PM: Message edited by: freshpain ]</small>

Welcome to marriagebuilders. It is usually suggested that you start in Plan A. You can read all about it on the link in my signature line.

You could give her the letter, but she is probably won't be very receptive to your ideas right now. She may be very cold and tend to blame you for everything.

Please post on general questions, as there is more traffic there. We have several people there dealing with the same illness.

click on the link in my signature line.