Help me, friends.
I am a 35 years old Asian, and I married 6 years ago, my husband and I have a good relationship. We did not desire to have any kid because we love each other and we were all very busy. We live together with my parents-in-law who are more than 70 years. Our family is a warm family and we all get along very well.

Recently, my husband has been tested with HIV+ because of a tragic medical error; I am HIV-. We know with the treatment, HIV+ can survive longer than before, but the average is 10-20 years. Maybe 20 or 10 years later, my husband and my parents-in-law are all pass away, and leave myself alone in the world. My husband and my parents-in-law all feel sorry for me, and worry about my future, they all hope I should have a kid of my own.

I have checked many materials and consulted the doctors, if I want to have a baby with my husband’s sperm, his sperm must be washed, unfortunately there is not washing sperm technique in my country now (Actually, even in the US, the washing sperm is not 100% safe to get a health baby and also have a low probability to transmit the HIV to the woman). Because I should take care of my husband and my parents-in-law, I am must kept in health position, so I cannot use the sperm of my husband and there are not any romantic behaviors between my husband and me now.
I have talked with my husband, and he hope me to have a baby and he promised he would love the baby just like his own, so did my parents-in-law.
There are two ways to make me pregnant. One is artificial insemination use the sperm from sperm bank, in my country, the sperm bank will pay for the donor, so most of the sperm donor are college students and those who lack of money, artificial insemination is very expensive, and the successful rate is less then 20%.
The other way is find a compatible man to have sex. I am not interested in sex now and what I need is just a baby. If I pregnant I will leave the lover ASAP and I won't let him know he is the biological father of my baby.
I want to know which way is better and how you think about the second way? Does God can forgive me?
And I also want to know, do you think it is necessary for me to have a baby?

Melissa of course you CAN but SHOULD you?

Firstly your religion is unlikely to support such an action and you are likely to regret it forever.

Secondly, there is NO WAY you could guarantee what you would feel for the man you sleep with who makes you PREG, if that happens. Emotions have a way of sneaking up on us all especially in a situation like this.

Lastly, you do not sound like you really want a child and all the commitment that goes with that. If all you are worried about is being looked after as you grow old, wouldn't you be better putting away some money in some fund to pay for care and housing etc? Yes you cannot buy love, real love that is, but if you work on making yourself a good person who cares about others you will find there are those who will really care about you, no matter how old you are.

However, if you do want a child and want to give that child all the love in the world then there are options.
Now in Aust at least, Art Insem has got to the stage where it is around a 50/50 chance where there is no medical issue for the woman.
I think you should seek medical advice on the options for you, what is possible and consider all that.
Also SF between you and your H using condoms IS safe. Australia has been in the forefront of this issue for some years in regards to HIV and safe sex and SF with a condom is safe...again seek medical advice.

Whatever you do dont jump in before you know ALL your options.

Melissa - I am very sorry to hear about your husband's HIV status. About the only way for him to have been infected through a medical procedure is through a blood transfusion of contaminated blood. Are you certain that he was infected through a medical procedure?

With regard to your question, the answer is one that you already know. NO, you should not have sex with a man you are not married to, not for the purpose of having a baby or for any other reason.

I do understand your desire for a child, although I think your "reason" of "being alone" will NOT be solved by a child. A child cannot "take care of you" or be your substitute spouse. I am also very skeptical about the future for such a child as you said, "We did not desire to have any kid because we love each other and we were all very busy. " What I hear in your question is how to USE SOMEONE, not action that is based in love.

You want to USE a child to make you feel better or more secure, not to love a child as a gift from God. You would USE another man for your own selfish purposes, yet the child WOULD be his also and you would propose to keep that knowledge from him. At the very least, the potential OM might not want a child either and you are playing with a potential child's life. I have serious doubts about the wisdom of you becoming a parent, but if you would truly want a child to love and cherish as a gift from God, then there is another way that does NOT violate God's laws, your marriage vows, or that uses others people so callously.

You can ADOPT. There are many children who are in need of a good home, but I think you really need to think about the potential child. You are going to bring that child into a home that did NOT want children. That child would form emotional attachments and the "father," your husband," is going to die unless a real cure for HIV is found.

Melissa, the news of HIV infection IS devastating. There is no question about that. But you and your husband CHOSE to not have children because it was "inconvenient" for the two of you and your chosen lifestyle. A child IS NOT the "answer," or the "latest purchase" to fulfil some selfish desire or want. A child is a GIFT and a RESPONSIBILITY that I don't hear you talking about.

The long and the short of it is, a child won't help the situtation, it will more likely complicate it even more.

Spend the extra money and time and go for artificial insemination.
I guess the question is, what price are you willing to pay to do things the right way?

Melissa,

I am a mother of 4 children. Two of whom I adopted. There are many children in this world whom need parents. My adoptive children don't feel any more or less my own.

I love all of them the same.

Check out adoption......there are ways that are not expensive. In fact my children cost me nothing other then the labor of waiting for them!

Check it out , don't close the doors to this option.

Lori

Hello Lori!!

I've been looking for you on the DB site. How are things progressing with your H.

Have you been checking in with chas? She is Shamone over here.

Take care and keep in touch,

Steve

Thanks for checking up on me!......I'll be back at DB soon...I just started posting a gain for awhile I was going through a slump! I will look for Shamone!

MELISSA.....If you want help on checking out adoption PLEASE email me personally. i will help you out the best I can. My two youngest are so special and you CAN love your adoptive childen just as much as Biological ones!!
Lori