My H and I have been married for 10 years. We had dated 7 years before we were married. We have two beautiful little girls ages 7 and 5. Since March I noticed my husband was spending too much time with his assistant. She was calling the house all the time and always trying to get together with us. I questioned him repeatedly if he was having an A, always denied it. As time went on I became more and more suspicious, finally on July 5, 2004 I found my proof. Since then I feel like I've died. My husband says he has lost his feelings for me and loves the OW. I ordered him to stop seeing her and fire her right away. He did. Three weeks went by and I thought things were getting a little better. Then he fell into this fog again and I knew they were seeing each other again. He swore he would stop again. Three weeks went by and I could see the signs again. He tells me he can't be a husband to me, he loves me but not like a husband should love a wife. He admits to still be talking to her. I have read all the books, he doesn't seem to want to listen to anything they say. He now promises to try and not talk to her, but he really loves her. He says he feels like he is betraying her by being with me. This has all hit me so hard. We had a few small problems, but most people thought we had a great marriage, including myself. Two weeks have gone by since WS has talked to the OW. He seems to be depressed again. I just don't know what to do. We started seeing a counselor when I first found out, but he had lied in almost every session. I don't understand how he could even think of leaving his children to be with her. She is also married and has 2 children. My question is does anyone get those loving feelings back for their BS. I don't know how much more of the cold shoulder I can take!!! Any help would be greatly appreciated.

Me:BS 36
WS: 36
2 children 5 & 7

Oh, my gosh. She is married with children.

I think that what leaps out at me reading this is that you need to call her H and tell him about your H and her having an A.

Don't warn your H or the OW.

Just call the man and tell him what you know.

Welcome to marriagebuilders. Your husband is the classic wandering husband. All the stuff he tells you is right from the WH handbook. So ignore it all.

Start in Plan A. You can read all about it on the link in my sig line.

The best thing you can do right now is to expose the affair to the other womans husband. I know you don't want to do that, and yes, your husband will be mad. But that is the way to bring the affair to an end.

I told her husband after the second time I found them still in contact. She must have given him the heads up that I might be calling and saying they were having an A because when I spoke to him him he didn't believe me and said I was harrassing him and his wife. This whole mess is taking such a toll on my mind and body, I have lost over 16 lbs and I was already very thin. My father offered to call her husband and tell him again, but I'm not sure if I should do that or not.
Thanks for the advice, it's nice to know there are others out there going through this.

Classic WS fogbabble. All us betrayed spouses have heard it.

It may be time to go public with your proof. And hell, yes, if your father is willing to talk to the OW's H, let him. And if your father is willing to have one of those father-in-law to son-in-law talks with your husband, hell yes to that too.

Don't make it easy for your H to continue his affair. There needs to be no contact, ever, even if ... and that "even if" includes EVERYTHING that could possibly come to be.

Read about the no contact letter, and get ready for a long ride. And take any good support offered you, from trustworthy people - like your Dad.

What about your H's parents? Can you enlist their help? Would your Dad be willing to talk to them with you, to put pressure on your H to clean up his act?

Stay in Plan A. While the OW's husband does not believe you (happens a lot), he will be looking for signs. So don't worry about it right now.

All of the stuff your WH is saying is just the typical "fog talk". Ignore it and do a good Plan A. It is difficult, but you can do it. When you feel like you can't stand it, come here and vent. We have been through this and understand.

Thanks for all the advice. My H parents are both deceased. My Father has been like a father to him since his past away. This whole thing has broken my parents heart too because they love him so much. My Dad has sat down and spoke to him in hopes of clearing up his head. I guess I have a long road ahead of me.
Thanks!

Yep, you have a long road ahead of you. It is completely miserable at first, but gets much, much better.

All of the stuff your husband is saying is right out of the WH textbook. Ignore it, and please don't take it personally.

Most WS's come back to the marriage. And when they do, they can't believe all of the crazy stuff they did and said.

So you need to be the best wife you can, and show your husband the way back. If there is anything that he complained about BEFORE the affair, work on those things.

What helped me most was getting busy doing things. I cleaned the house sparkling, rearranged, organized, exercised, and joined a women's Bible study group. It raised my self esteem which was in the toilet, and gave me something to feel good about.

I'm sorry you're going through this. It sucks, doesn't it? *hug*

What I would do is send mail or some other PROOF to the OW's H. He won't believe you until he sees the proof. Can you afford a PI? Pictures speak a thousand words.

Is your H willing to stay married to you or does he think he wants to make a life with the OW?

C-dub

My H says he doesn't know what he wants. He feels he can't leave the kids and me, but he is so in love with th OW he doesn't know how he can stay here. I received a phone call yesterday from a friend of the OW wanting to let me know if I knew my H and OW were having an A. She also let me know this is not the first time the OW has done this. She got her husband by having an A with him and breaking up his marriage. She also had an A with my husbands partner and another man she used to work with. When I told my H he was blown away. My H is pretty successful, I think she just is looking for money.

I'm surprised your husband believed you about the OW. When I found out from OW's husband that she had multiple affairs, I told my husband. He does not believe me.

Stay in Plan A. This affair will end for sure.

Hi jkhippy,

I also would just like to lend my support and say that even though you are so new to all this and it is extremely painful and confusing,just know that you are definitely not alone.There are thousands of us dealing with the very same issue: Infidelity.

Also,your story is so very similar to mine and all the other's.The ILYBINILWY( I Love You But I'm Not In Love WIth You) speech,indecision,lying,denial,sneaking,promises,pain,destruction all around.Different names,same story.

If it helps,try to think of what your WH is going through like he's addicted to crack.The pull of the drug(OW)is strong and I agree that you are in this for the long haul.It's a terrible path to be on but nevertheless,you are here.When people are addicted to the high feelings they have with the new person,all reality and common sense goes out the window in favor of fleeting,but very strong emotions tied up in the OP.Of course they are both living on Fantasy Island right now and will do anything to keep that feeling,anything.What they don't realize is the feeling is not true love and is infatuation.Which,in time will fade,as it does for all of us.

So,in order to deal with all of this,you have to have a plan and that's why we're here.Here's some steps to take while you are enduring one of life's most painful blows:

1) Counseling.This is good that you already started.What you need to consider is that if the A is still going on,it is a waste of time and money for marriage counseling.But,you can still go alone to work on your feelings and how to cope.It's important.Go with or without your WH.

2) Get the books SAA(Surviving and Affair) and HNHN(His Needs,Her Needs) by Dr.Harley.Absorb them.There are also many other great reads:Torn Asunder,Not Just Friends,etc.

3) Get support from friends and family.If they already know,great.This is a very stressful time in your life.You may find it difficult just to get out of bed in the morning.Make sure you have people who can help you during the acute phase,even if it's just to make you and the kids dinner a few times or take the kids off your hands so you can rest,etc.Discuss with yoru doctor getting on AD's(antidepressants) if you find that you are unable to sleep,eat or function during the day.They have helped me a lot.Take care of yourself.

4) Keep busy.Like believer mentioned,you need to occupy your mind for at least a few times a day to cope.If all you are doing is thinking non stop about the A then you will go nuts.As bad as it is,your mind needs some relief here and there so make a list of To Do's and things you can do with the kids.They need you now more than ever as the *stable,loving parent in their lives.

5) Keep coming back here to post your thoughts and get support.There is nothing like talking to people that know just what you are going through.Family can be helpful but unless they have been on the recieving end of adultery,they don't really know this kind of pain.

6) Read up on and implement Plan A.This will be hard as it will go against all that you think you should be doing.But,Dr.Harley believes that A's can come nto play due to unmet needs in the marriage.And,from spending too much time in an inpappropriate relationship with the opposite sex.

-Keep an eye on your finances to make sure that your WH doesn't drive your family into the ditch by spending a lot of money on the homewrecking OW.

So,I hope this helps but you do need to take this one day at a time.It is painfully slow but do the best you can so if you look back on your marriage one day,you can say you tried your best to make it work out.It takes two to make a marriage work and to fix the problems in it but you cannot do it alone.Making the CHOICE to commit adultery is NEVER the answer...to anything so don't let your WH ever make you feel like it was your fault.It was 100% his.He owns it and the pain and destruction he caused by making this choice will come back to bite him for sure.In time.

O