I have moved over to this forum from the EN forum due to changes in my circumstances in the M. My original post in that forum is here if anyone is interested in background information.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=8;t=021698

Anyway, I finally figured out the password to my H email account and found messages from ex GF that basically confirm that they had sex on his trip to MI. He lied and told me he never saw her but called her a couple of times. I am assuming he has no intention of ever telling me about this. He does not know that I know.

He never followed through with the no contact order and the supposed goodbye letter he mailed her was just a temporary thing as he continues to email her and vice versa. He has lied to me repeatedly about not contacting her. He keeps telling me he hasn't and when I discover something that indicates he has (phone messages) he lies about it and makes up some excuse.

I read in his emails to her that he has never loved me the way he loved her and feels that he made a mistake in marrying me 8 years ago. He also told her every thing that was wrong with our relationship and how he is trying to figure out a way for them to be together.

He obviously feels that she is his "soulmate" and I have been the rebound chick for the past 8 years to tie him over until they found their way back to each other. Of course through all of this he tells me that she is contributing to the stress in his life and he wishes she would have never contacted him in the first place.

I truly believe that he is just waiting this M out until the right time before he asks for a divorce again. I am a full time grad student and will graduate in May 05. He is probably waiting until then before he does anything. At this point, I am repulsed by him. I can't even look at him right now and I really don't want him to touch me ever again. We have been intimate countless times since he had sex with the ex. All the while I was clueless and trying to meet his SF needs the best I could. I feel like a fool.

I really don't know what to do at this point. I do not trust him anymore, I don't believe anything he says to me, and I don't want to be married to someone who does not love me. I am done with him and tired of his lies.

I don't know when to confront him about the affair though. That will obviously bring things to a head and I don't have a plan in place as of yet. Do I start the process of legal separation or divorce now or wait it out until I graudate and have a job lined up and keep my knowledge of the affair from him until then? (I am basically dependent on him financially at the moment and we have two children).

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

jayla

jayla,

See an attorney. What state do you live in? If it's a community property state...you aren't as vulnerable as you think you are financially, since you own half of the assets and he will have to support you until you graduate as well as pay child support etc. See an attorney so you know where you stand....and then when you feel confident, please confront and expose. I know you feel as though there is no hope for your marriage at this point, but marriages do survive this sort of thing. You might be surprised at his reaction once you confront him.

Good luck chere

New here, but I'll just jump right in. I don't think you can "play the game" until May 2005. I'd go see a lawyer, find out how much spousal and child support you can get and see what you can get out of the division of marital property. DO NOT allow him to blind-side you any more. Be proactive and get your ducks in a row. YOU can be the one in control.

C-dub

Thanks for the replies. I tried contacting a lawyer today but no luck as of yet. I'm looking for one that at least has a free initial consultation so I can find out a few things before I decide what I can pay. Thankfully H is leaving for about three days on a business trip so I won't have to look at him for a while. I may be able to get some control of my emotions while he is gone and try to figure out how to go about this.

I don't see any hope for the marriage at this point star. I truly don't believe he ever plans on telling me about the affair and I am sure he has had others besides her. Found a suggestive email on his account dated in Jan and April from a different woman. Who she is, I have no clue.

What I have overlooked all these years and what I have neglected to mention in my other posts is that he has always had a huge temper. He has been what would be considered verbally abusive in the past. He also has a tendency to curse at me in front of our kids (ages 8 and 2)when we argue so at least for their sake, I need to end this. Just got to figure out the best way to do so. I do believe that he and I could be friends after it was all said and done as long as he treats the children well and provides for them.

Hmmmm. Well, why not try the MB plan? That would be Plan A. You can read all about it on the link in my signature line. The timing is perfect, because you need to do it for around 4 months.

Did you get some anti-depressants from the doc? That will help. You have a lot to deal with right now, with your kids, studies, and your WH.

Disregard all that your husband is saying right now. He is having an affair, which has altered his brain. So start Plan A, make changes in yourself, and ride this thing out for awhile.

After you have done Plan A, there will still be time to do Plan B before you graduate. So stick with us, and get busy.

jayla,
Please tell me your printing out and making copies of the emails.
Is the exgf M ?
Get into Plan A.
STAY in Plan A.
After you've consulted an attorney and know what you're up against..THEN confront him with the proof.

Don't believe anything he writes... of course those things sound awful to you, but put it into perspective...you didn't expect to find proclamations of undying love for his W and children. OF COURSE NOT. It's all fog bound A babble. It's classic.

This is difficult, I know...but you'll begin to feel better once you take control. As c-dub said..you CAN have control over you, you have to take it...period.

I also agree with star*fish, you may be surprised at his reaction upon exposure.

betrayed,
thanks for replying. I have printed out the emails and will be making copies of them. The ex is not married however, has been with the father of her two children for nine years.

I am in the process of trying to take control. It will take a while but I will get there. I sort of revisited H trip to MI last night just in the course of casual conversation. He denied that he cheated on me and of course did not look at me when he said this. I told him I believed him, which I don't. I did not accuse, just sort of "playfully" talked about what happened this summer. I dropped it after he denied it again and figured that he has no plans of ever telling me about it.

I need to read up on Plan A again. Truth is, I am afraid of his reaction once I do confront him. I fear it will either be a total breakdown confession, or he will deny it and get very angry. Either way, I still feel that I don't want to be with him anymore. I doubt I will ever be able to trust him again and I can't live like that.


Just finished reviewing about Plan A. I already tried that back in July and he promised no contact with her. He even signed an agreement with me and mailed her a letter. Apparently this was only to pacify me and get me off his case.

It is probably time for me to initiate plan B, but I need to gather more information first.

<small>[ September 22, 2004, 10:14 AM: Message edited by: jayla ]</small>

Plan A needs to be done for about 4 months. So stay in that Plan. Don't worry about getting too much proof. I had motel bills, bank statements, phone bills, credit card statements, caught them in bed twice and WH still denied.

He has been living with her for over a year and denies that he lives with her.

So I should continue with Plan A even though it is killing me to even look at him right now? I have to bite my tongue to keep from telling him that I know about the affair. He isn't treating me the best at the moment either, even though he doesn't know that I know. I don't know if guilt is making him edgy or if it is work stress or what but he is taking it out on me.

I guess my ultimate goal is just to sustain the M until I have a plan and can move out with the kids. At this point I really don't want to reconcile once I confront him. He has brought up divorce at least once a year for every year we have been married so there must be some reasoning behind that. Either he has been having affairs all of this time or he just hasn't had the guts to admit that we aren't right for each other and just follow through with a divorce.

Thankfully he is out of town until Friday night so I have some time to get a grip on my emotions.