I want to end an adulterous relationship, but having trouble with guilt and pride. OM says I am his very life. He divorced his W for me and expects me to do the same. I am coming out of the fog and realize that to walk in love is not to sacrifice my kid's happiness or hubby's happiness for mine. I have made several promises to OM, but can't keep them. I contributed to the break up of his marriage and now I'm supposed to say, sorry, I've changed my mind? Any advise?

When you are doing something wrong, it's not wrong to catch your self, and stop.

You made promises to your H too, and by having children, you made committments to them.

Are those promises to your family important?

These promises (to your family)came first, and in my mind, they are most important.

When you promise to help someone break up two marriages, and they you realize you made a mistake, and back out, I think you are doing the best thing you can.

Does your family know, and do you have a plan for recovery?

SS

PS, I am not a WW, but I hope I helped at least a litte.

<small>[ September 22, 2004, 04:03 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

Waking Up,
I'm not a WW either, but I hope some will come along soon to help you out.

I just wanted to tell you I'm sorry you're going through this. You must be feeling terrible on all kinds of levels.

If it helps ANY...many WS have this difficulty ending the A, because of exactly the reason you stated...promises were made, and there is no way they can be kept.

Your strength and courage will get you through. Don't let "the right thing" pull you back though, make it because you LOVE your family, and want to rebuild your LIFE, not because of any other reason or you TOO will resent the decision you've made.

We can get you through this.

Talk this out...

Does anyone know about this affair ?

If you break it off will OM tell your H before you do ?

We'll get you through this...we're here for you.

OH...by the way...you did NOT contribute to the breakdown of his marriage, that's solely the responsibility of him and his wife. He could have just as easily "woken up" as you have, and not left his wife after all.

After reading here for a bit, you'll come to realize that infidelity really ISN'T the reason his marriage broke up...it was HIS decision.

Anything and everything you've done can be worked through. There is no damage done that's not repairable.

Hang in there.

Thank you Still Seeking and BetrayedinJersey for responding so quickly.
The promises to my family are important. At this time I feel compelled to keep them to my children and know that in time I will feel the same about keeping them to my H.
My family does know of the affair. H was very mean and self righteous in telling DS13 and DS11 details they did not need to know.
Plan for recovery....It's taken over a year of counseling and lots of prayer to get me this far. H wants marriage to work, but there is lots of hurt and deep wounds on both sides. My only incentive for recovery right now is for the kid's sake. Nothing in my heart for H now. Let me say in addition to that, I know a life with the OM will not work and I now know I don't really love him. I can't get over my guilt and the promises I made...crazy I know. OM reminds me constantly how he divorced his W, left his kids, moved and changed jobs so we could have a fresh start. What is sad is through all the promises and plans, I knew I could not leave my family. So now, I have to tell him that I cannot continue to lie to myself and believe we will be together. I am afraid to hurt him...even though I have hurt my family. I am trying to get my priorities straight, but as you can see, I'm not totally there yet...
In my head I do know that OM made his own choices and I am not responsible for them, but tell my heart that....

Waking Up,

You did not ask for this advice, but I am going to offer it to you anyway. First, you have two fronts to deal with: your H and family and your OM.

Oddly enough your H can help you with respect to OM. I don't mean a punch in the nose either. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I mean as you already know there is a lot of guilt you must deal with, AND there will be withdrawal from the OM. This is tough stuff, but it can and is done.

I would strongly urge you to read the articles on this site especially about the 4 rules of marriage, and the two main policies. The policy of joint agreement, often referred tohere as POJA, and the policy of "radical honesty". They are tools to rebuild you marriage. Read about Love Busters and NEEDS. Then if that is not enough reading for you, go buy Surviving an Affair by Harley and His Needs Her Needs by same.

Why these two books? Well, you will see the phases and steps of an affair and of recovery in Surviving an Affair, and that knowledge will help YOU and your H get through this. It is a process and sort of like grieving a death in the family it has well defined steps that all go through, some faster than other, but all seem to go through them.

Then there is the issue of your marriage. I am guessing that your marriage was better than you recalled during your A and now, but it was NOT all you needed. Hence the book His Needs Her Needs, it has a questionaire in it that will help you both. Actually, I think the questionaire is on this site as well. When you get ready to make the break, print it out and both of you do the questionaire. It will highlight areas where you both need to work.

Waking UP, you can do this. More importantly you NEED to do this for yourself, for your children, and yes your H, who you don't like much right now. You loved him at one time, so it will come back IF you both decide to work on rebuilding this marriage. Don't underestimate the damage this A has caused. That is frequently the most common thing the WS does. They want to "get over it and move on" but the BS must heal and it takes time.

Finally, if your H is aware that you are going through withdrawal he can help you, but he will need to know what it is. He will need as much information as he can get, and this is a good place to get it. Send him here if you like. The people here will help you both.

I'm sure some of the WW's will come by if they don't in the next day, I will contact a few and have them come look in on you and help you.

You will also get some harsh posts, like all of the posts, take what you need and just leave the rest in the ether of the internet.

You can do this, but realize it is a process and it takes TIME and PATIENCE.

hang in there and...

God Bless,

JL

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Waking Up:
<strong>I contributed to the break up of his marriage and now I'm supposed to say, sorry, I've changed my mind?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yep. See, the thing is, you are both adults in this wrong relationship. You made wrong choices, and he made wrong choices. While you contributed to the demise of his marriage, he could have, at any point, broke it off with you and put his effort toward saving his marriage. He didn't choose to do that.

I guess what I am trying to say is that his decisions are not your responsibility. As for your change of heart, you can't be held accountable for promises to him that were based on lies.

You are both adults. As adult, we all make our own decisions and we live by the results, good or bad.

~ Snow

Hello Waking Up (I like the name my dear <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ),

Any chances of your OM getting back together with his W and working on their M? That wouldn't be a bad thing, especially since there are kids involved.

I'm afraid you cannot make "everyone happy" in this scenario. Sometimes such situations just happen to us, sometimes they are the result of our own selfish/stupid actions, but they s*ck anyway <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> .

It's like breaking up with your highschool BF when you realise that this relationship really isn't what you want, but he doesn't see it that way and is really heart broken. You cannot stay with him out of pity or because you once promised "forever" to each other.

If you still have contact with OM you might tell him that you have realised you first made promises to your H and your children and that you need to keep those. Hopefully that will remind him of his own promises to his W and his children. That's where his responsibilities are. But he'll need time to get over you, of course. Grant him that.

I'm not sure the other MB'ers will agree with me on this, but I would also tell him that you realised you don't really love him. The sooner he comes out of the fog and goes back to his M the better, and if he thinks you're just doing your duty with your H and kids and you are still pining for him, he might decide to wait for you.. not a good idea..

Good luck to you my dear - stay strong!

<small>[ September 23, 2004, 03:09 AM: Message edited by: brownhair ]</small>

Just Learning, Snowbelle and brownhair,
Your words are encouraging, thank you very much!

JL-I read this website for a week before I joined the forum, I have the books you recommended and have read them as well as several others.
I know the damage the affair has caused and I'm really confussed as to why my H would even want a wife who has lied and deceived so much.
D day was 2/14/04, H went ballistic to say the least, threats to OM and me, etc. I told him the A was over, but that was just to keep us all safe and get OM out of town. We are safe, OM is out of area and because of the distance between OM and I, I am starting to see the light. So the support I have found here will be the only support I will have for withdrawal, I am not strong enough to tell H I lied, again...I am ready to put the past behind me and make every attempt to save my family.

Snowbelle,
Your advice was right on. I want to act like an adult, end it and move on. I think one reason I feel guilty is I have decided to get serious about my relationship with God and I find God is there, he didn't abandon me and I feel so priviledge for that, on the flip side, OM put all his faith and energy in me and I am dropping him like a hot potato with no one to support him.
I know that sounds wacked out and I guess it's a good thing I can now recognize those kinds of statements as such.

Brownhair,
Funny you would ask about OM's W. They have been divorced for 3 years and she still continues to find every excuse to be in his life. She constantly tells him she loves him and I believe she does, I believe she recognizes the mistakes they both made and is willing to work on the marriage even knowing about me. OM still allows her in his life too. She seems to be at all the important events in his life. He says it's because he doesn't have a girlfriend on his arm she can see, so she will continue to chase. I say, tell her to stay out of your life, he says I have several times, she won't listen...I say Bull Cr*p on that...He says he now gets along with her and doesn't want to be mean to her. I say hmmmm, you want me to leave my family and you can't even get your ex of 3 years out of your life....I know for a fact he has been intimate with her on an occassion or two in the past 3 years...so whose being an idiot here???? ME!.... So I suspect that he will end up back with her in time...

You are correct in saying I can't stay with OM out of pity, how stupid to hurt my kids, my own flesh and blood for pity of OM..

Thank you all for your support and comments, I appreciate anything you have to offer!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know the damage the affair has caused and I'm really confussed as to why my H would even want a wife who has lied and deceived so much. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Waking Up - He wants you for the same reason I want my wife (despite her 6 year affair), I love her and he loves you. See, you've confused what love really is. Love is not lust and secrecy and lying. My wife and I are now almost 2.5 years into recovery and reached "recovered" after a little more than 2 years. It IS a long process by human standards, but not by God's standards.

Love is being willing to give up your life for the person you love, to endure the pain and suffering in hope, to commit to being humbly obedient to God's commands no matter what your emotions may be screaming at you.

Yes, some scars may remain as a reminder of the consequences of sin, but God is faithful to all those who love Him and keep His commands. He can, and WILL, restore both the marriage and your love for each other as you both begin to walk more and more in "Christ-likeness."

But for you, the starting point is simple. Confess and repent of your affair to God and seek His forgiveness first. There can be NO CONTACT between you and the OM ever again, not for the rest of your life and not for any reason. And you must begin immediately. It's wrong and it's a sin against God, so don't "play with God," begin to follow Him in obedience right now. You are in a covenant with both your husband and with God. There can be no lying to God, even if you can deceive your husband.

Yes, breaking free from and addiction can be hard and painful. That's why God promises you the all the strength you need for TODAY, each day. One day at a time. And you leave the future in God's hands.

Now go and do the right thing.

God WILL be there for both you and your husband, as will those of us here on MB who can offer our help along the way.

ForeverHers:

I never thought he was capable of that kind of love. He has been very controlling and fearful our 22 years of marriage. When he says he loves me and wants our marriage to work, I wonder, is it just a pride thing, another control tactic, he can't love me like that, he doesn't know how...and yet he seems to be giving love even when I'm hateful. He appears to be walking like a Christian when I am not.
I don't trust him with my heart..

Wake UP,

Well, if you cannot trust him with your heart, yet, then you might as well be HONEST with him and tell him the truth about the continuing affair. Then at least if you do learn to trust him with your heart, you will know you are giving it to someone that KNOWS and has forgiven EVERYTHING.

As it is, if you trust him with your heart and OM decides to tell him the "rest of the story", your heart as well as his will be broken.

If you are going to rebuild, do it with a good foundation and that foundation is honesty. If you don't then anything you and your H build will subject to shifting that YOU and he have no control over...shifting caused by lies.

By the way, in case you haven't noticed, your OM is not all alone and he does have the opportunity to rebuild his marriage as well. Your distain for his W is evident, but I think you will come to see her in a rather "heroic" point of view. Her devotion to her exH is "saving" you from the very thing you fear guilt about breaking them up. Further it is giving YOU the opportunity to do what you feel you must.

I know you are still in the affair, and I know you are in what we call the "fog", but I think if you really do decide to end the affair and start to work on your marriage, you will be very surprised at what you find. It is clear that your H is surprising you, and I think as you finally learn more about him, you will be further surprised. I think the surprises will be good ones.

In any event, step 1 is to decide to end this and then end it.

I am glad you have the books, you will find them even more informative as you go through this process.

God Bless,

JL

JL
How did you get so intuitive??
I so desire to be honest and clean, yet it is very scary..
I hope I am coming out of the fog somewhat. I know this now EA, previous PA will be ended. The only contact is by phone through my place of work. The corporation I work for is closing the branch I work in Nov 1st. All contact will be null and void. My home will be my refuge and my family my only concern.

Waking Up,

Ok, if this is going to end anyway, then end it yourself. That is my thought on the matter. Here is way. If you end it yourself, you will be able to tell your H that YOU ended this. Further, you will be able to look your children in the eye and know YOU ended it. In short, YOU should end this NOW, and not let circumstances do it, for YOURSELF. You will know you finally made a DECISION for your marriage and your integrity.

I know it seems like a little thing, but it won't be. WU, you may yet lose your marriage. You have not been a very good W during the course of this affair which is now going on 6 years??? Is that right? It will take you awhile to go through withdrawal.

Finally, I am betting your H suspects that this is still going on. So I suspect he will be deeply hurt but he will NOT be as surprised as you think. It is very unlikely that you have been a loving, and caring human being to him for the duration of your affair, and I doubt being a good W to him was even less of a concern to you.

You two are going to have to build from the ground up, and the "ground" is honesty, radical honesty. Then, you begin by treating with respect and as you would a friend, in fact, your first step is to become friends with him again. Then as the friendship develops you will find you can become his lover, and finally his W. It will take quite awhile and a lot of ups and downs, but it can be done, and it is done.

I suspect that what will help more than you realize is that your H knows about most of the A and is still there, suggesting that you are loved by him even if you don't love him right now.

That brings me to withdrawal. At this point you probably don't LIKE your H much, and love him even less. That is normal as you have given it all to OM. Further, you probably don't see much hope for your love of your H returning. But as withdrawal continues and ends you will see your H in a whole new light, and then you will know what is possible. At this point you judgement on these matters is NOT worth a darned thing. ONce you come out of withdrawal, and it will take awhile, you will see your H differently.

THEN, decide if you can or you cannot.

Step #1 end the affair.

STep #2 tell your H.

Step #3 if he wants to remain married to you if even for the kids, you must endure withdrawal, and it is called this becuase it is like a drug addict you will want to call him all of the time, you will want to see him, you will crave contact with him. But use your H and talk to him when you feel this way, that is why telling is so important.

Step #4 once withdrawal is finished, then start rebuilding your marriage. There is a lot of material here, and we will help.

Must go.

Hope this helps.

JL

Thanks JL-
You confirmed what I already knew, just didn't want to acknowledge it.

Wake UP,

I am glad that I am simply reinforcing what you know. So write a no contact letter. It should be shown to your H, and perhaps that is how you should break this to him. Ask him if there is anything you have left out. Actually, the NC letter should be short, and to the point. It will seem cold, but this is tough stuff, and "feelings" for OM is what got you into the trouble you are.

Sounds simple doesn't it? Perhaps it is time for me to tell you my favorite joke. It will have meaning to you right now.


"There is a cowboy sitting on a bull, wrapping and rewrapping the lead rope around his gloved hand. His friend is leaning over the fence and steadying the bull, and telling him. 'You have enough points to win the championship if you just stay on the bull for 8 seconds. It is really that simple, just stay on the bull.'

Two old cowboys were sitting on the fence, with their boots hooked on the railings. One turns to the other and says: 'That boy over there is about to learn the difference between "simple" and "easy". "

Wake UP this stuff is simple and pretty obvious, but it is NOT EASY. That is appreciated by most if not all that post here. It is simple. Stop the A, tell your H, and then begin the journey into the future with your H and your family. This is NOt easy to do. But, you can do it.

God Bless,

JL

JL
Are you male?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Waking Up:
JL
Are you male?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well if he isn't then his W is certainly going to be very surprised, won't she? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

TOOMuchCoffeeMan-
That is too funny! I know nothing of JL, he didn't make any reference to his W or he being male. Just got the impression he is a male BS?

Waking Up

JL is an old timer [you can tell by his member #] on these boards. What's amazing is that JL is neither a BS or WS but, as you've seen for yourself, he has this gift for looking at an issue and getting to its essence. He came to MB seeking answers to improve his marriage which ,to my recollection, was on the brink of a divorce.

There's an urban legend that has circulated here that JL is actually Dr Willard Harley Jr incognito, but the Dr err I mean JL flatly denies this. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> But all kidding aside, we are extremely fortunate to have JL as an MB member.

TooMuch-
JL is very insightful! Thanks for the info.