Myrta,

Reading your post and Waking Up's posts have helped me a bit. I was the WW. My ex-gf broke off our A in July of '03, but we remained close friends until this past May, when she cut off all ties with me. I was still in love with her, and I'm sure I made it hard on her. Every day she had to be reminded of how she hurt me and how her choices hurt everyone around her. Simply said, she chose to HURT ME this time, instead of continuing to hurt her H and her children. I lost a lot of trust in her and my mind wandered. I wondered if I was "played" (which I doubt I was). I wondered how she could hurt me, when she assured me of what I meant to her (daily).

Hearing you say how hard it was to break your OM's heart helped. Although my ex-GF told me that daily, a part of me wondered if she sat back, laughing about using me and then discarding me when she was done. Otherwise, how didn't she know that it was killing me every day? Why didn't she take me back?

I'm slowly realizing that she did all she could to help me through that rough year (nearly a year). I think that she was still in love with me, but could no longer act on those feelings. I had the feeling that she was trying to act properly and not act on her feelings, and it WAS hard on her.

So, thank you both for making me come to some more realizations. I wish I still had her in my life AS A FRIEND, to discuss these things. It would have made things much easier on me, and probably on her. I wish I knew the answers to so many pieces of this puzzle. I'm not too good at being patient enough to figure it all out on my own! I like closure and resolution and I never got that. So, thanks again!

CC

Myrta-
Thank you for your thoughts. I have read some of Stanley's thread, Help! Serious setback. I too understand both yours and Stanley's pain. I just need to transfer that understanding of pain to my husband and get my head out of the clouds.
Each day I see more clearly and the things OM says to me no longer ring true. I thank God everyday for his truth and that he hasn't given up on us yet.
PS- you gotta love JL, he has a way of getting to the heart of the matter...

Waking Up:

You and Myrta feel guilty about deceiving the OM. I strongly believe that folks who get involved in affairs have poor perception of reality. Let me talk about Myrta's OM and you will see what I mean.

1st of all Myrta's OM did not believe he was having an affair with my wife. He convinced himself that their relationship was beautiful and quite normal. According to the OM they were a normal couple. A normal couple that only saw each other in hotel rooms every few weeks. That was the extent of the physical interaction. The rest of the communication was done via the phone and Internet. In fact the OM's biggest dream was to be able to walk in broad daylight holding Myrta's hand. Does that sound like a normal couple?

The OM started to dream about a time when they would get married and move to another city. He had fantasies about taking vacations, working together in the home, and chatting in the kitchen while Myrta cooked. He saw Myrta and himself as the ultimate soul mates where everything was so special. Their relationship was so unique. He defined the relationship as true pure love. This OM was either a master manipulator or a fool building castles in the air.

The truth of the matter is that Myrta never told the guy she was leaving the marriage. This is something he wanted to believe. These two were never soul mates. They had been classmates thru elementary and high school. During those years Myrta was never attracted to him. Now all of a sudden 30 years later they are soul mates------- bulldookie! Poor reality perception. Myrta acknowledged that living with this guy could be hell. IF Myrta had a fantasy about this-- it probably lasted one second.

Then D-day came and the most solid and beautiful relationship of the world crumbled to the ground in to nothingness with just one phone call. It did because the relationship was built on absolutely nothing but fantasy and bull-dookie.

I give Myrta credit, she now sees reality. The poor OM----- he is still in Disneyland!

How could you or Myrta feel guilt about misleading such a fool who has no concept of reality?

<small>[ September 29, 2004, 11:19 AM: Message edited by: Stanley568 ]</small>

Thanx for the welcome CC and Waking Up. Just lurking 'round here has helped tremendously. The last two days have been the best out of the past six months... <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> -free

Last day on leave...and working an extremely erratic schedule for the next eight days...so hoping to post my story within the next several weeks.

Myrta and Stanley...married? Wondering if it would be too weird/hurtful to read each others' posts...my H got me here but has not gotten into this forum.

JL...is it too soon for me to say "you're AWESOME" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

k...my eyes hurt <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> may i take this brief momment to laugh at myself...haven't had one in soooo long <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> Just learning about my addiction to the OM...now going through serious withdrawal since 09/01/04...have i started my new addiction here on MB <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> OR is that "normal" as well...

Myrta and Stanley...married? Wondering if it would be too weird/hurtful to read each others' posts...my H got me here but has not gotten into this forum.

It is easier to have an argument over here than in person!

Let me ask you a few questions. I ask so I can have some insight. My wife keeps her poker cards close to her chest so maybe you can help.

1. You started NC as of 9/04. Are you really sticking to NC or have you broken the rules?
2. How is the withdrawal so far? My wife said that she really missed the high of the affair. Yes, she was full of energy and as high as a kite. Apparently it was very hard to crash. How are you doing?
3. What was your view of the OM during the affair? What is your view of the OM now? Can you post your views of the OM on a monthly basis as you are getting out of the fog?
4. Was your OM similar or different than your husband? I am completely different than my wife’s OM.
5. Do you feel sorry for the OM?
6. Has your OM been unfaithful before?

I look forward to your replies, as this will help me understand this mess.

CIAO!

Stanley,

I hope this can help...want to elaborate more, but short on time.

1. You started NC as of 9/04. Are you really sticking to NC or have you broken the rules?

Took me three months to agree to NC, but have stuck to it thus far...what other rules are there?

2. How is the withdrawal so far? My wife said that she really missed the high of the affair. Yes, she was full of energy and as high as a kite. Apparently it was very hard to crash. How are you doing?

Cried almost everyday since the PA began in 03/04. Guilt and sorrow too much to bear. I have cried several times a day since the NC began and many times in the presence of H and hoping that he'd be wanting and willing to comfort me (selfish and unfair on my part) Had felt very alone though surrounded by many others, but getting better after discovering MB.

3. What was your view of the OM during the affair? What is your view of the OM now? Can you post your views of the OM on a monthly basis as you are getting out of the fog?

Don't have time to address this one now, but will include in my story. And definitely will keep updated as I get out of the fog.

4. Was your OM similar or different than your husband? I am completely different than my wife’s OM.

My OM is completely different than my H. OM seemed to possess some of the qualities that H didn't have.

5. Do you feel sorry for the OM?

Yes and I worry about him constantly. I know this sounds weird...he has absolutely no support as he's also entered the withdrawal period. It had crossed my mind to send him a link to MB since it's helped me but then decided that it'd be an extremely bad idea.

6. Has your OM been unfaithful before?

He's 38 and has had countless relationships, M'd and D'd once. He admitted to one betrayal while in a committed relationship and also a ONS with an engaged woman, divorce not related to infidelity. So do you think that he's one of those typical OMs? Why would he feel the need to disclose his previous indiscretions...why not just let me think he's the most wonderful person in the world? I honestly believe we're soul mates, but is that still the fog talking? Guess i still need much time to sort things out.

Stanley
My OM thinks the same things as Myrta's OM, the big difference is I did tell him I was leaving and the affair did last 6 years. We were both wanting the same thing, I just couldn't go through with it. He did divorce his wife believing we were soul mates. As much as I wanted to be with him, I couldn't justify it in God's eyes or my families, no matter how hard I tried, and I did try...

The OM and the WW always think they are soul mates-- that is a given!

I am trying to understand how my wife Myrta replaced me with a man SO MUCH different than me. I thought I had all the qualities my wife wanted. She has not been able to tell me where the OM was better than me--- I am stil waiting. However, I am convinced it was all about sex and this is always more exciting with the freshness of a new body.

BTW, my wife’s OM had been unfaithful when married and he was unfaithful to Myrta with another OW who lived in the same city where he resided. From the onset I believed he was a serial cheater (most OMs are) . Myrta didn’t want to believe this, but I always suspected the OM was not a very honest person. Then one day Myrta got a phone call from the other woman and my theory was confirmed. This is what Myrta needed to accept that the OM had flaws. Up until this point Myrta had continued contact while I thought there was NC. She felt VERY SORRY for the OM-- she still does! The OM owns me a lot of money, but somehow I don’t think he will pay.

San San

Please keep me posted! I really need to get inside the head of a WW to see if I can understand this.

Why didn’t you elope with OM if he was your soul mate?

CIAO!

WakingUp----I also did tell the OM I could not continue with the A. But I guess I never did it with conviction. The woman that called me, was really not with him at the same time he was with me. She told me herself!!
He kept her I guess, on a long leash, in case, him and I did not work out. He wanted to have a life with me, I know that for sure! My husband wants to convince me that he is this horrible man, sserial cheater,that took money from me,etc,etc. I gave him some money for his stay in the hotel, because I felt bad that he was always flying here to see me. He was coming to see me, so I thought I could pitch in some of MY husband's money. Because like he just stated in his post the OM owes HIM some money. Not our money, but HIS money. In one of the trips he attempted to pay me, but I did not let him, I did not see the need for that!
Yes, he was very different from my husband, physically and intellectually. I guess what attracted me to him, was his zest for life, his energy. My husband WAS kind of a passive personality. I have always been the noisy one, the one with energy for ten people. So, I guess, that attracted me to him. He also had a good way of conversing with me, he truly looked interested in what had to say. Myhusband on the other hand , many times, when I told him something, he did not "listened" to me. My husband thought it was not interesting enough for him to hear. But the OM, anything that I had to say, was very interesting.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
Of course, now my husband is so attentive to me, is TOO MUCH!!! But I guess, he will eventually change to his old ways. Even though he says, he will never go back to his old self!
The OM had been separated from his wife for like three years, and after the DD, he proceeded with his Divorce, because he really believed, we were going to be together!!

San San, Waking Up, Myrta:

By definition a man who willingly dates a married woman is not being 100% honest. Would you like a man like that to marry your daughter? If you say yes, please explain.

OMs always say sex with current partner is lousy and it is not their fault. They always re-write their marital history to paint themselves as the victims. Of course, the WW does the same.

In Myrta's case the OM had just left his wife for an OW so he told Myrta sex with the OW was lousy, she was frigid! Let me get this straight the OM left his wife for an OW who was frigid? What is wrong with this picture?

So he kept this other OW available while he dated Myrta. Myrta still wants to believe OW kept her on a VERY LOOOOOOOOOOOONG leash. This is called defending the OM no matter what!

As all OMs go they are well above average with smooth talk. Myrta confirms this in her post.

OM took money from Myrta. I give all the money to Myrta and I have not seen the check book in years. Myrta has 100% control over the finances. I don't know how much money the OM took. It could be $500 or $10,000--- I will never know. I don't know how much money we had in there. I trusted Myrta blindly. I don't think the OM will pay, he is cheap!

So the question is:

How come Myrta, San San, and Waking did not elope with the OM?

Why? I want to know why someone gives up a soul mate just like that.

BTW, Myrta:

Was your OM your soul mate?

CIAO!

OMG...been here on and off all day...neglecting my household chores <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Stanley...i had never meant for the A to happen, had never, never thought about leaving H for OM until months after DD when H and I set a date for separation. Thus no eloping for that and multiple other reasons i won't discuss here. So complicated. I REALLY had wanted OM as a friend.

Don't think i would say that Myrta "replaced" you with OM...maybe "supplemented" would be more fitting, though not very much better. He had met an emotional need (conversation, interest and undivided attention, etc) that you had not provided. It would seem that you ARE perfect for her 90-95% of the time and that the 5-10% was what she missed most in your relationship. Myrta, let me know if i'm way off base. It's just what i see while reading your posts.

BTW, do you two share the same 'puter while at home posting to MB?

Myrta was in love with the OM, I don't think it was a supplement. Like you she is still in withdrawal.

We use two computers at home plus I post from work.

Did you see how Myrta defended the OM? Everytime she does that I feel as if thou someone is putting a dagger thru my heart.

OK, San San:

Do you love your husband?

Who is a better man? You H or the OM?
Who is a better lover?

How do you see life with your H now that OM is gone forever?

Do you think you may ever see OM again?

Is OM a very important man in your life?

Let me know---- I am learning!

SanSan-Waking UP <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
I should clarify something of my previous post. When I said that the OM was different from my husband, is because My husband is very handsome and extremely intelligent, he is a medical doctor. So he is above intelligence and looks!! The OM is ,people would say, below average looks and he used a high school teacher, but now he has a business of his own and is a policeman in a part time basis. So, as you all can see, there is no comparisson. My husband is above everything!!
He thinks I am always defending him, but thats not what I am doing. I think what I am doing, is defending myself, my actions at the time of the A. He wants me to say, that he is awful, the most horrible, cheap person in the world. But.................I WAS WITH HIM <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> So, I must be just like him,a horrible,cheap person,that does not care about anyone!
I dont think I am going to post here or in his post anymore!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> He uses everything that I say againsst me!!!

Myrta,

Please, please try not to get discouraged...I don't think Stanley's trying to use what you say against you...he's trying very hard to understand the "beast" that's sent his and your worlds spiralling downhill and what he posts are feelings from HIS perspective/point of view. And actually might be a good thing both of you post here since you may not be able to get things out in the open at home. It really does help to keep the lines of communications open, even if you can't do it in person yet. And...even if you do decide not to post on MB again...still try to seek help/guidance from IC/MC/SH

Do you love your husband?
I absolutely do, and I wonder everyday how I could do something so hurtful to the man I claim to love.

Who is a better man? You H or the OM?
Really hate to make comparisons...H definitely has most of the qualities a woman would want in a spouse. OM has even admitted H is the better man.

Who is a better lover?
OM is much more experienced than H. I was H's 1st and he's had one partner after me (that would be the betrayal in '97) But again...none of what happened had anything to do with "sex"

How do you see life with your H now that OM is gone forever?
Undecided on this one...H is unsure if he still wants to be with me...unsure if a full recovery can ever take place...wondering if a new and fresh start would be better in the long run...we have MANY doubts about the future.

Do you think you may ever see OM again?
If you mean by chance...a weak maybe...but he does live in a different state now. If you mean by choice...not likely if I'm still married.

Is OM a very important man in your life?
OM is a very special PERSON in my life...means the world to me...but,because of the EA/PA and the pain we've caused to each other and H, we can no longer enjoy the friendship we once had in the very beginning. I wish things didn't have to end this way.

stanley im a fww who met a married man online who tried to bilk me for money sad story when the om stoops so low to involve money. my h got our money back though

Stanley,

I have put a dagger through H's heart...and not only that...I continue to "twist" it deeper and deeper everytime we talk, everytime I'm falling apart cuz of the withdrawal from OM. I've told H that I miss OM and that he will always be a part of me, always...so here's my question to you...would you rather have your feelings protected or have 100% honesty where you'd bleed to death from the twisting dagger?

Welcome <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Just Me

Doesn't seem that Myrta's OM was trying to "bilk" her for money from what I've read...but glad you and H were able to get yours back though. Have you posted your story?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by San San:

Who is a better lover?
OM is much more experienced than H. I was H's 1st and he's had one partner after me (that would be the betrayal in '97) But again...none of what happened had anything to do with "sex"
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Forgive me for asking but why then did you chose to have sex with the OM for 6 months?
You say that you cried since the PA started in March yet you continued having sex with the OM until the beginning of September, how come? [I ask you this with the utmost respect and only for the purposes of seeking knowlege]. Thanks in advance.

<small>[ September 29, 2004, 10:18 PM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>